Hay Bales or Make Up? Who Am I?
Being an authentic person requires of us to know ourselves.
Who was I…apart from building and maintaining a false image of my children and marriage? That kept me pretty busy! I didn’t know!
How did I grow up?
My memory of preschool days is that I was very much a mommy’s girl. I treasured the alone time with her when she’d lay down with me for my naps. Even though times were tough back in the 50’s, and my dad had to work a second job to make ends meet, my mom stayed home with us children. That was more important to them than things. I was the baby of the family for almost 6 years, so I am sure I had a lot of time with my mom. I remember loving dolls and being a mommy to them. I loved to sing and make up stories and I actually sang some of my stories. I felt safe with my mother. She told me that when I was a little girl, I said, “When I grow up and get married, I am going to live in a house right next to yours so I can come and see you everyday.” However, after two more little girls came along and we moved to the country…something changed.
I became very close to my father whom I loved very much and would do anything to please. I saw myself during those impressionable years very much as a tomboy, and I was okay with that. I was social. I loved sports especially if I was the sought after one to be drafted to the winning team of the day in the neighborhood. And, I usually was. That was a good thing in my 10-12 year old mind. I broke my own horse for riding at age 7, I remember one day falling off five times in a row and getting back on to ride. It made my dad very proud that I was so tough. I believed the more tough and the stronger I was the better. That was the message I got and I bought into it. I was from a family of four girls and no boys. I used to hear that from the men who helped us put up hay in the summer that I was the closest thing my dad had for a son and I was proud about that. I always felt like I had the edge on dad’s affections because of my strength.
I developed very early as a young girl. I got a lot of attention from both men and older boys because I appeared to be a fully developed young woman, when other girls my age were still little girls. That was confusing for me, but somewhere in my neediness I saw this as bringing me significance of another kind.
My high school years were full and completely enjoyable for me. I played sports since women’s sports in the schools were just taking off. I had lots of good friends and was very involved in my church youth group. I never really dated much until I was a Senior, but I had serious crushes on a couple guys who were very spiritually strong. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I was attracted to, but ironically, I wasn’t even sure the guy I dated for five years starting my Senior year was even a Christian.
When I married Roger I felt like I had finally found the perfect combination to fulfill me. He loved the outdoors, and enjoyed sports of a different kind, such as; hunting, camping, hiking, and swimming. We seemed to have so much in common. But Roger also encouraged me to dress up, to enjoy being a woman. It seemed the best of both worlds. I really thought I would finally be able to be myself. However the encouragement for me to be more feminine seemed to be rooted in making him look good. He’d pick out my clothes, my jewelry, my shoes and I would comply. Now mind you, this wasn’t all Roger’s fault even though his motive may have been mucky, I came into this relationship not having any idea of who I was as a woman. I was raised in a very conservative home, which is not a bad thing, but wasn’t really given the chance to explore likes and dislikes that were outside the box. I also had been quite abused verbally and emotionally by my previous relationship and I was left pretty wounded in that area. I didn’t really have an opinion about anything, but my wounded spirit became a sign around my neck that said, “Control Me!”
As we began to have a family, I continued to lose more and more of myself. Now I was a wife and a mom. But because I didn’t have enough confidence in who I was, I become whatever my husband, family or friends needed me to be at the time. Looking back, there were times that parts of me would surface, but I didn’t recognized it because I had decided that whoever I was, wasn’t okay. So I buried everything that was part of me deep inside.
I didn’t see these as problems until the severe problems of our marriage surfaced and we were forced to deal with many things in our lives. Roger and I were encouraged through the ministry that God used in our life’s to bring healing to understand that we both needed to rediscover our God given identity as a man and woman first individually and then within this relationship. God had a work to do in both of our lives.
First, I had to discover what was significant about me…a woman. I had to get to know who I was as a woman, not just as a person. God created me to offer something to man…something that he needed. Adam and God walked in the garden together, sharing many things that only God and Adam would ever share, but still something was missing….A woman, a feminine heart! What does that mean for me? Doesn’t that give me great value! My feminine heart is valuable not just in a marriage, but in life…offering the deepest side of my heart which is God given, God created, to the world. The world needs what my heart has to offer! A unique side of God’s image!
I have to do some research.
Next I had to explore my likes and dislikes…find my passions, my hopes, my dreams! All of this is part of who I am and what I have to offer to Roger and apart from Roger to others around me.
I found that I love lace and pearls. I use them as a symbol to represent a real passion for old things. But it’s more than that. It’s about who lived in my house before me. Who cooked in my kitchen? What kind of conversation took place there? Whose little feet ran through my house and were they cared for? Was the woman loved, was she able to express herself. I am passionate about women’s hearts and offering what I’ve been given as a balm for healing to others. I want to know people deeply. I want to love deeply. I am passionate about building relationships in my own life, my husband and children, our extended families.
I meet God in so many ways other than at church. I am blessed by writing, reading, listening! I meet Him while building relationships…going for a walk in the woods. Not in throwing hay bales to find my significance but in driving a tractor while raking hay for my son and the relationship that is being built in the process. I feel His presence when having special “Tea Parties with my granddaughters and teaching them about the heritage that’s been left them from past grandmother. I feel my Creator when I am spending time sharing my heart and reaching into the heart of another woman over a steamy cup of coffee…or preparing a special meal and serving it to an overwhelmed husband and wife who just need to be loved on and served. I hear His voice… “Thank you for loving your husband today,” when I drive out to a field to bring him a cool drink on a hot day just because I thought of him during my day or in mowing the lawn because it takes both of us to make life work. I still love the out of doors, because somehow God is more real to me there. The cool breeze on my face and the fresh air that I breathe, it’s all from Him.
How has this helped?
Today, I can express an opinion and I know what I like and don’t like. I don’t have a lot of strong opinions, but I have learned to stand strong when I do have one. I walk more naturally today in who I am even when others may think very differently. However, I do still struggle at times not to lose myself, when I am around lifestyles that are not accustomed to a heart like mine. But I know that I must take the risk each day to be true to who I am. Hopefully I can offer something new to someone else. I am trying to stay open enough myself to learn from others, new aspects of life that may challenge and enhance my character.
Offering yourself to someone else is a risk…but the reward is great! Are you willing to explore who you were created to be and walk in it? I did and found the blessings far outweigh the fears. I live today in a marriage that is more often balanced and fulfilling then not. We still fight at times for our voices to be heard, but we both have one. Our differences will only enhance each other’s character and our similarities provide understanding and unity. I admire the parts of Roger’s that are different from me and I know he feels the same. We complete one another and together, when walking in His design, our lives will be a testimony of His love and grace!
February 2nd, 2010 at 11:31 am
Great article mom! You are very special and unique in your huge heart for others. I know that you have helped a lot of people understand themselves and their Creator. I am proud of you!
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:23 am
After reading your thoughts, it’s helped me to realize that I to, at the age of 60, am discovering the real me. I love the feeling of freedom that is found in nature and the outdoors. The caress of Jesus hands on my face is what I feel in a spring breeze! I am building new and lasting relationships. I love a wide variety of people as I glean something new from each one of them. And my aspiration is to be an inspiration before my expiration. My role in life is as a child of God, blessed with the modern convenience of an electric wheelcchair, to transport me in this earthly life. So I fill a special place in life no one else could fill because it’s my role, my place, my duty and my privliledge to fill!