Scenario #13 got my attention. It’s working like some sort of Rorschach test. The man, or young man, who at a support group meeting begins to talk about the lack of change in his sexual desires. What might he be thinking as he drives home? My answer is semi-autobiographical.

FIRST THOUGHTS:

My tears won’t be wasted if I cry about this. The group leader may as well have said: brace yourself, coming out of homosexuality is the battle of a lifetime! The group seemed rather silent. Is the topic off-limits?

SECOND THOUGHTS:

Clearly, not everybody changes. There appears to be a full spectrum of changes. Some make great strides. Some don’t. Some get married. Some don’t. What if the group leader is trying to give me too much hope?

THIRD THOUGHTS:

Maybe some in the gay community are right when they say that change is impossible. Given my lack of change after three years, shouldn’t I begin to question all the anecdotal evidence or what may prove harmful or a waste of time for me? Maybe I should try reparative therapy. Plus, what does the APA say? I need a drink. No, I don’t.

FOURTH THOUGHTS:

Maybe I should just accept as fact that I was born gay. Really come out of the closet. Join a gay church. No, I’m already Episcopalian. I had plenty of opportunities to embrace gay theology. I seem to be inoculated against it. Who invented the LGBT labels anyway?

FIFTH THOUGHTS:

But maybe it won’t be so bad. I know about the theology of the Cross. You take up your cross and you follow Christ no matter what. I think I can do that. Or maybe it will be bad. Homosexuality seems such an all-encompassing cross. Either way, I have to take it up.

SIXTH THOUGHTS:

And there is St. Paul’s example. His thorn in the flesh. He prayed three times for healing. God didn’t remove it. God said in reply the astonishing words: “My grace is sufficient for you.”

SEVENTH THOUGHTS:

My prayer, Lord, is that you help me to try to change. And if, for whatever reason, I don’t change, I will still love you. I will love you forever.

In Christ,
Mike