Intimacy With God by Sue DeRaad
Oh satisfy us in the morning with Thy loving-kindness, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. –Psalm 90:14
My soul thirsts for Thee, my flesh, yearns for thee… -Psalm 63:1b
My heart aches for this kind of relationship with my Heavenly Father! I have experienced this, I have taken Him in and know that it is good, but why does He feel distant today? What happened? How did I get here? How do I get back? Or maybe, how can I experience this for the very first time?
Do these questions sound familiar to you? I know I have asked all these questions and more.
The Journey of Thomas shows us that healthy relationships begin with my relationship with my Jesus! When I find that relationship distant, it’s always because I have lost an honest evaluation of my own life, my motives, my source of life, which is Jesus!
Who fills your cup? Who satisfies your soul? Most of us women, if we were honest would say—my husband, my children, my friends, or my job.
When my husband winks at me from across the room, or when he walks out of his way to open my car door, I feel honored. When he helps me with the children without me nagging at him, I feel respected. Maybe he brings home that something special (flowers, a piece of jewelry) for no apparent reason other than he is thinking of me, and I feel loved! One of our children comes running into the room, throws their arms around us and exclaims their love for us. Maybe a best friend calls and asks us for some advice or prayer. You pray for her and then before she hangs up she tells you how much this friendship means to her. All these are constant little deposits into our cup.
After being devastated by dishonesty in my marriage, feeling ripped apart with aloneness and despair, Jesus met me. He showed me in a unique way that He wanted to be my cup filler, that He could meet all my needs. But first, I had to face the reality of my condition. I had to get honest!
One night almost 5 years ago, in 2005, while Roger and I were separated, I laid in bed, feeling empty and alone, begging my heavenly Father not to ask me to stay married to this man; pleading for Him to release me of this covenant. I had every reason to leave, and I was ready to move forward. Then He whispered to me, Do you love him? I managed to breathe a yes as I struggled to swallow. Then can you be his friend? I heard within my heart.
I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting a fight with the Father, demanding I take back my rightful place as a faithful, forgiving wife or else! My defenses slowly rested at my side. The reality was that He was even more alone than I was right now. He had little to no one walking by his side. He had burned his bridges and he was experiencing real aloneness! Even though I had no intentions of staying married to him, I did love him and wanted him to be healthy emotionally and spiritually. I wanted him to carry on in a healthy relationship with God and his family. I wanted to be part of his support system, even though I didn’t know what that might look like.
Who fills your cup? I expected my husband to.
When I was laying there that night feeling so empty, I was calling out to God, pouring out what was in my heart, as honest as I could be, letting him know that I needed an unconditional love that would last. I fell asleep and woke up a few minutes later with the words of Dennis Jernigan’s song playing on my stereo; I will love you with an everlasting love. It was a gift, straight from my Savior! He knew exactly what I needed and He was offering it to me.
I felt drawn to get out of my bed. As I put my foot on the floor beneath me, I was suddenly swept away being held up only by His strength. He continued as I wept, Let me be enough for you, and let me be your husband, for I will love you with an everlasting love! I danced that night in the arms of my Savior; He was enough! He filled my cup as I emptied myself out. He satisfied my soul! Could He have met my need without my pain and despair that brought such honesty? Yes, he could have, but he wanted me to come to Him in complete honesty and transparency!
Even though I am no longer in despair, I have recently begun practicing emptying myself out each morning. Ridding myself of “Self.” Any fears. Anything that I am hanging on to, craving, or anything I depend on to fill my cup. I need to confess my brokenness and pour myself out to make room for Him. He is able and willing and desirous to fill me completely with himself. So often there isn’t room for Him, because I am not in touch with my feelings or just not being honest with Him. When He fills me, I am complete, I am satisfied.
The blessings I receive from my husband, my children and my friends now are the overflow of the joy, peace and contentment He has already given me. Now, I don’t have to have an expectation within my relationships anymore because that only brings disappointment. The extra blessings I receive from those around me are the overflow!
May this kind of honesty and intimacy between you and your Savior, leave you complete in His fullness, blessed to overflowing and more than satisfied!
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