Our Mailbag: John, can my gay friend be a Christian?
Dear John,
In light of all you have been saying about grace, do you think that people who say they are Christians, yet claim to be homosexuals are going to go to heaven? If Christians struggle and have to fight the temptation to rebel against the Lord, doesn’t that mean that those rebellious things would also include money, kids, perfectionism, job, any kind of sexual acting out, etc? I find I struggle wanting to place homosexuality outside of “other” things that I think are wrong.
I have a good friend whom I think is a Christian, yet he claims to be gay. I know that his life is his own, but I’ve felt led to really pray earnestly for him recently.
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
You can’t go wrong in praying! Your question is a very complex one. Whenever we are asking questions about salvation it gets complicated. People are all very unique and frankly, cannot fit into our nice neat little boxes. Life would be easier if that were the case, but thankfully God understands each of us.
I believe in the basic message within the gospel. We are saved by the initiative of the Holy Spirit to enliven our hearts towards Jesus. In a miraculous transaction between God and us there is a salvation process that has begun. I believe God completes the work He started and if that imperishable seed is in place, nothing will stop us from receiving His reward of eternal life.
Having said that, there are many religious “copies” out there who pretend to act like they believe but they do not. Religious performers are all over the place and look like good church goers but know nothing of the grace of a redeeming Christ. In their unredeemed thinking they perceive they will earn His favor by their religious practice.
I believe when we are brought to life by our Father’s work, we are also given a new heart of flesh that is good. At that time our lives are turned towards Him and ready to move through the sanctification process with Him.
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:12-13
It isn’t a work that is done all at once but in the end, it is a complete work. Hence, we are to work out our salvation every day, not to say we work to gain favor, but the sanctifying process can certainly be hard work and toil sometimes.
So, can someone appear to engage in homosexual sex and as a Christian also find themselves in God’s favor? I believe a resounding YES! In Him we are righteous, not of our own work – therefore if someone is a Christian, he is in God’s favor.
I would respond with, “Why would we even ask the question?” Is there any behavior that would keep us from being Christians or would remove us from His righteousness?
Can someone appear to be in overt opposition to God’s desire for their human life and be a Christian? Yes, I believe so.
Anytime we engage in idolatry, selfishness or sexual lust, we are in opposition to God’s desire for our lives. I think we need only be honest with ourselves to answer that question.
Can someone have a life that seems not to fit His plans and be moving towards God’s desires for them? Yes, of course!
How can we say we know another’s motives or wounds. We just don’t have that kind of ability in our human condition. . Personally, I am living in opposition to God’s desires for my life every day. When I am impatient and try to gain comfort or favor my own way rather than turning to Him and believing in Him, I am not living within His desires for me.
Frankly, I think God is much more in tune with my heart than anyone and He says what He sees is good. We can run around and look for darkness in another life trying to figure out where someone is at spiritually. But, I believe God would rather we spend our energy in three ways:
Delight in each other revealing how much He delights in us. We are called to love each other. This means to look one another in the eye and say, “you are an incredible creation of the Living God! The magnitude of your significance to Him is unexplainable by the human mind”.
Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. Romans 13:10-11
Dig in to what is true. It would be great to also nurture, focus on, enhance, and pull forth the goodness in each other’s lives. Believe in one another, but most of all believe that God has replaced our heart of stone with His new heart and feed its growth.
Demonstrate grace. When we find ourselves confronting the flesh that is in us, it is for the purpose of nothing more than to reveal God’s incredible grace – which redeems, renews, and is always for the good.
I have an image that helps me to see this very significant point. When I am faced with the Living God at the end of my life, I believe that in His glory I will see my humanity. In that revelation I will recognize how far short I came from His ultimate desires. In that reality I will recognize more than any other time just how much He loves me, forgives me and that I don’t deserve His awesome gift of grace. In this immeasurable transaction I will engage in thanksgiving that transcends this world and ushers me into eternity fully disclosed, and yet fully forgiven. Even as I write these words I want to shout with the reality of this truth.
We try far too often to be the spiritual police rather than lover’s of God and each other. We have jokingly said we were “fruit inspectors”. But I am not sure many of us are called to have that job to be honest. Even the fruit of the Spirit comes to us through Him, not of our own work.
Our little poodle, Mollie, is struggling with intense anxiety from being raised in a puppy mill. She is frightened of people. Our dog trainer has revealed to us that we must remove her fr
om the intensity of the target of her fear. That would be us. This means we must pay very little attention to her which would raise her anxiety. At the same time he has toldus that, for a dog, their love language includes mostly – you guessed it – food. He said while we lower her anxiety, we are to passively drop a little treat into her space without any words or other things that would cause her fear to increase. In the end the goal is to teach her that we aren’t so scary and that we love her with a safe love. In her response she will hopefully say, “These people aren’t so bad. Treats just drop from theirhands!”
Considering this I have thought of the fears that each of us may have towards God. Do you think it might be possible that God will not put anything in front of us that we cannot handle? I have not seen His conviction of all of my sin at one time. He has graciously worked in my heart, layer by layer, for years now. He has worked over time to bring about the changes needed. This means that there have been seasons where I didn’t feel convicted about certain things because that is not what God was working on at that time. We are all on a journey of grace.
Wouldn’t it be better to respond to homosexuals with grace? Doesn’t that sound more like what Jesus is asking us to do. I believe He is asking us to love them and nourish their faith with affirmation of what is growing? Isn’t it more of God’s heart to put out our arms, our lives, and our love to reach into their souls.
Sometimes a person may be too wounded in a certain place for God to dig around right there. He may have to work to remove some of the anxiety through releasing the pressure of conviction while He is drawing us unto Himself. It is in that kind of Love that real change occurs.
This could look like we aren’t heeding something that others may think is vital to an obedient walk. But God may release us from moving towards our greatest fear at the moment, while He is loving us with our own love language to bring us to a place of trusting Him. His plan is to take us down the road to a place, where little by little, we trust Him more. In His time, He will deal with those things that He thinks need to be dealt with.
My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27
So, regarding those whom you might not relate to, I believe with all my heart they can truly be Christians. I want to celebrate that God is working within the deepest part of their being. We all know of people who appear to not be connected to God in a way that we understand. However, if the Holy Spirit is at work in their lives, I want to join Him. I want to encourage the life that is indwelling them. I need only to listen to their words and validate what they say. If someone says they are a Christian, they speak of the gospel correctly, I take them at face value and treat them accordingly.
I have most recently come to a place to embrace homosexual people with the love of Christ. I want to listen to their hearts and to stop trying to change them and to let God do that. In this newer place I have met many new friends that have a great burden to share the gospel of Jesus with their friends and loved ones. I see spiritual growth in them that can humble me. I’ve met missionaries, servants, leaders, pastoral hearts that profound my former position of keeping them at arms length. I want to encourage anyone who calls himself a brother in Christ. I want to lovingly embrace anyone who is my sister in the Lord.
That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9
This is not intended to be a message of “approval” or a permissive gospel. But when we are responding to other people’s lives we must accept that “it is what it is” regarding today, and there is nothing I may be called to do about it other than to love people right where they are and celebrate the good things that God may be doing in them.
I have turned a lot of tables over in the last couple of years and found that I see more clearly than ever that God has spoken through Jesus to us regarding His commands. His most prevalent message to us is to love Him, and to love each other. In these commandments we will find the sum of all of His desires.
I’d rather love others than to put them into my own judgmental box and get in the way of God’s grace with them. I don’t want to barge into a fleshly interruption of His touch on their lives unless I believe I am truly called to do so. There are times for loving confrontation for sure. He has led me to do that on occasion but normally, I am learning to leave it all up to Him and just keep loving people. I have fortunately had the privilege to fertilize the new “God heart” in many people. I find that this breathes life into them that helps to move them forward and closer to Him.
How about it, can you trust God to do the work? All you have to do is to be a part of the gifts of His love dropped into their lives. In time, maybe someone will grow to trust you more and see that you aren’t so bad because you trust in the Ultimate One!
Maybe what your friend needs the very most right now is just for you to be a friend without conditions. If God wants other things to happen, I trust He will lead you in that too.
Thank you for your frank and challenging question.
October 1st, 2010 at 10:18 am
From our “e-mail bag”
Hi and thanks for your well written article!
I just want to be sure that I am understanding your heart. I appreciate your approach of love and grace to a gay person, but I get the impression, perhaps incorrectly, that you feel if a practicing gay person professes to be a Christian that you are comfortable with them openly practicing that lifestyle and trust their testimony. I do agree that we should reach out to gay people and love them as people and not just out pet Christian projects. I also agree that mercy triumphs over judgment, but the Bible clearly teaches that homosexuality is wrong. I get the impression from the article that you have somewhat neutralized that sin as long as someone professes to be a Christian.
Do you believe that someone can be a practicing homosexual, openly condoning that sin in light of what the Bible says and be a devoted follower of Christ?
Again, forgive me if I am off base or did not comprehend something correctly. Thank you for your heart and the refreshing spirit of grace in all of your writings!
Blessings & love,
FM
October 1st, 2010 at 10:22 am
John
Thanks so much for the clarity you provide for my head and my heart. I love the way that God has used his creation (Mollie) to show you His Father heart. Why am I even surprised??
Your words are like the Balm of Gilead for my soul and I appreciate your obedience to speak from the heart…..your heart of flesh. Thanks for the encouragement to delight, to focus on the good and to speak the truth in love!
Carondelet
October 1st, 2010 at 10:32 am
FM,
You have asked the question of the day!
First of all, I want to ask you if you read the entire article from my website?
http://www.gracerivers.com/gaychristian
Second, I am so glad you wrote to me asking for further clarity. I am sure many have the same thoughts but are not writing me with them.
I believe God created men and women with heterosexual design. In Adam’s sin, everything went haywire and we are all living in “less than perfect” experiences. This includes all of our frailties, insecurities, fears, temptations, and yes, our overt behaviors.
I had a friend who left his wife and family five years ago. He left because his marriage had become so bruised he was hoping to find relief. There wasn’t any sexual adultery involved, just wounded relationship.
While divorce is clearly spoken of in scripture as “God hates divorce” he chose to leave anyway with no desire for reconciliation. He has said that what he did was positive and allowable by God. In my heart I really struggled to love him. I grieved over what is happening to him, his wife, and his family. I was closed off from him to some degree because I think he took the passive way out.
But, in Christ, I am called to love him, delight in him regardless of what is happening. God is big enough to deal with this man who loves Him but is faced with life – as it is. He is made choices, rationalized, and is living in a way that is clearly contrary to God’s intended plan. But, He loves God. He says his relationship with the Lord has improved dramatically due to the relief from the negative marriage. He therefore sees this move as a positive one. He is not acting out in sex or adultery and has lived as a single man. He is not pursuing another woman. He merely fled discomfort seeking a more comfortable place that has less anxiety.
Now let’s say there is another man who truly is a believer. He lives in shame and personal condemnation over his same sex desires. He has tried every way possible to learn to deal with them. He has prayed for them to go away, he has sought counsel and tried myriads of other ways to find relief. So, he decided to accept that – it is what it is. He is gay. He moves away from condemning friends, from those who seek to try to change him, and from his own personal condemnation by accepting his life the way it is. He has found a group of friends who can relate to him as Christians and in his struggle with homosexuality.
In his acceptance, he finds another person who loves God and has come to the same place. In their relationship they do have sex but do so with faithfulness to each other. They experience a sacrificial relationship they are committed to. They both love God, see Him more clearly now that the pressures are lessened. They are excited about Jesus, His gift of the gospel and excited about sharing this with others.
Many might grieve over their choices, see them as negative, and theologically define them as contrary to God’s plans.
What is God asking us to do?
We love them right where they are. Accept what is. This does not mean that we believe their homosexual relationship is God’s best but we look at our own lives with humility and at the same time, we take them at their word as Christians and we encourage their faith. Just like the friend in the divorce. I knew his faith. I wanted to encourage his walk with Jesus because I KNOW that is where the answers are found. Jesus is the only one that can make this situation right out of the pain and disappointment. I don’t have the absolute answer for an individual’s life needs. Jesus does.
Do I believe homosexuality is God’s design in the origin of man? No.
Do I believe there are gay people who love God and that He is working deeply in? Yes.
Can I support them in their life? I will confirm, bless, encourage their faith. I will choose to love them as members of the Body – equally with all of the others like me. I will chose to love them as friends.
I don’t think I have neutralized the sin, I have just put is on the same level as all of fallen humanity. We all experience it. Like I have said, there isn’t one day that I fully embrace or live in God’s intended design. So, I hope that I can receive encouragement from the body in my fallen state. I hope we all can connect with each other without condemnation and criticism. I pray that we will live with each other in the love that God says will show others that we know Him.
I got divorced in 1979. I left my own fears and pressures seeking relief. I found relief to some degree and the pressures just resurfaced in another way. At that point I chose to leave again hoping to find a better place. I did find that. I was lonely, so I chose to marry again. There are many within the Christian community that preach that second marriage is adultery. There are scriptures to support that line of thinking. Right before I remarried I had second thoughts based on what I read in the Word but chose to push them aside. I have been married for 22 years. I do not regret the marriage and I love my wife dearly. But if the scriptures teach that my marriage is adultery than I have been living in it all of this time.
It may be the same for a gay couple. God is certainly big enough to handle my own flesh, rebellion, and passive choices. He wants us to love each other and allow Him to do the work of cleaning us up – His way in His time. He may involve us, but He may just need us to love each other.
Actually, that is what He said to do! He didn’t tell us to go around trying to change each other. He said for us to point one another to Himself.
I hope this helps.
October 1st, 2010 at 10:33 am
Boy, I sure needed that this morning! I have become more comfortable with Travis’ choice but I am struggling with what other people think. My Pastors wife thinks that I should throw him into counseling RIGHT NOW! She and Bro. Danny have a ministry that deals with homosexuality but I know that Travis would not respond to them. It is becoming more clear to me that I have no control over this! It is going to be a journey between Him an God. He is a wonderful and talented young man and I love Him so much! Thank you for the devotionals every week. They really help! Stacy Ferrell
October 1st, 2010 at 10:37 am
Carondelet,
I have been more surprised than I expected to see how
God has used our little Mollie to teach me about Himself and how we relate to each other. It has been worth it all to see Him through her.
October 1st, 2010 at 10:40 am
Stacy,
How wonderful to release Travis. We cannot fix anyone! We can love them, however. We can build such anxiety filled prisons for those we love that have bars of fear and control.
Fear that they could not be what we expect and hope for, control to prevent OUR fears from rising up. It has less to do with loving them and and more to do with keeping our own anxieties at bay.
Love you son and let God handle him.
October 1st, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Neutralizing sin? Isn’t that what Jesus’ death on the cross was all about? I’m shouting with you, John, at the thought of being fully known, fully loved and forgiven, and fully free!
October 1st, 2010 at 2:24 pm
I have had the opportunity to tame a few truly feral cats. You cannot tame all of them; you can tame some of them. I watched as they fought me, mistrusted me, and feared me. They did not understand that what I was doing was for their ultimate comfort and safety.
It struck me at some point that God “tames” us just as I tamed those cats. He wants us to understand His “gentling,” and we fight Him. Anyone who has worked with animals will tell you the greater the damage the greater the fight. When those cats finally trusted me, I had a bond with them that was incredible.
I think God gives us little creatures like Mollie and my cats as “shadows” of His relationship to us. I loved those cats and fed those cats. Why would I not do the same for any sinner? Why would I single out a gay person as unworthy of the “taming,” if you will excuse the metaphor? God is still “taming” me. Oh, to conform to His views of us–precious in His sight.
October 1st, 2010 at 5:26 pm
I really believe the LORD wants from us to do what you have said…And, trust Him for the rest. When someone can see Jesus in us, is when they really engage in relationship and dialog.
AM
October 1st, 2010 at 5:27 pm
John- This is priceless! HALLELUJAH.
I cried through most of this letter.
I love you in the Lord John Smid!
LD
October 1st, 2010 at 5:27 pm
Good stuff, John. A similar transformation in my thinking is taking place. When we start to see ourselves as equals before Christ, all we can do is love and serve each other.
JT
October 1st, 2010 at 5:28 pm
John, on this 5th anniversary of Son’s death, I found your words comforting and your theology sound. Thanks for your ministry. May God bless you abundantly. BT
October 1st, 2010 at 6:51 pm
John,
Nicely expressed. Thanks for spreading grace and love in a place where Christians are known for harsh judgment and often ridicule and even hate. I appreciate your transparency and willingness to be open about these difficult issues.
October 2nd, 2010 at 9:29 am
October 2nd, 2010 at 10:44 am
Website Comment
Thanks so much for your article on being gay and Christian. I have come to the same place as you. As I pastor a small Sunday evening congregation, I have 3 gay men regularly attend. They respond amazingly to the work of the Holy Spirit. Even though they know my testimony and what I believe about homosexuality, they still come and listen to every word I preach. It’s amazing to watch. God is not finished with them yet. Thanks again for your thoughtful and caring article.
BG
October 2nd, 2010 at 10:46 am
Email Comment
Dear John,
My husband (who is a pastor) I met you several years ago through an Exodus event. I just wanted to send a note and say I love what you have been writing in your articles. The life message that consumes my husband and I is that of the uncompromising grace of Jesus. We have spent many years trumpeting the same message that you are, that His grace is complete … we are righteous through Him and Him alone and He has cleansed us totally. Doesn’t mean we don’t struggle in our flesh with all kinds of things… but who we are in Him is holy, righteous, perfect. I just wanted to encourage you to keep teaching and writing that message of grace as you have been … no doubt it makes some religious folks mad but then so did Jesus.
Blessings to you
October 4th, 2010 at 6:24 am
John,
Isn’t the church supposed to hand those, who are engaged in sexually immoral behavior, over to Satan (ie. not associate with them) as is stated in 1 Corinthians 5:1-13?
P.
October 4th, 2010 at 11:01 am
John,
I like your heart here. I’m not quite so sure re some of the theology, but realize we are all struggling to find a way out of legalism and homophobic formulations.
I do believe that gays can be simultaneously Christians. I think, however, that because of sin’s power to complicate and subvert relationships with both God and our fellow human beings, it behooves us to be careful here.
I live in intentional community (Jesus People USA). If we embraced the idea of practicing gays being part of the community, the results would be predictable. There would be more sinful actions and perhaps even those who had previously been walking in purity would be tempted toward sexual failure on the basis of their gay Christian neighbors’ activities.
But more deeply yet, there is the issue of what persistent rebellion in ANY area does to a believer. Yes, some gay Christians may be moving out of the lifestyle. Others, however, are not doing so. While it is important that we respond with grace and with thoughtfulness regarding our gay neighbor, Christian or not!, it is also important to remember that our interrelatedness as Christians does require us to uphold biblical standards of behavior and reject — sometimes with pain to both others and ourselves — unbiblical behaviors.
Of course in a regular church setting, it might be easier to open one’s doors (literal and metaphorical) to those calling themselves gay Christians. But remember, we are all affected by one another even in that context. Our compassion and love for gays must be balanced with our compassion and love for those who are walking out God’s will and need our every helping hand to continue walking away from what they and Scripture know is sin.
We mustn’t make homosexuality some sort of special category of grossness and disgust (as many on the Right do). But neither must we make homosexuality into a special category of permission, disregarding clear biblical teachings. It is a dance, a struggle, a dynamic balance none of us will probably achieve perfectly.
Again, I appreciate your heart and most of your comments…. just wanted to add a touch of balancing “salt” as it were.
Blessings,
Jon Trott
October 14th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
John,
I have supported over the years “Love in Action” ministries because I feel it is a source of help to those with same sex sins. I know you left there and started your own ministry, but I must say I am shocked by your reply above to this question. As a married man who experiences same sex temptation and has for many years, I have to disagree with your approach. I believe that we as followers of Jesus Christ are instructed by the scriptures to repent of our sinful ways, not to accept them and hope we can grow out of them. How do you interpret Galatians 5:19-21? These verses are very clear to all sinfulness in our lives (which include homosexual sin,(fornication which is sex outside of marriage)) and that we are to not practice these sinful ways any longer. How do you interpret 1 Corinth 6:9-11? You mention we have to accept “it is what it is”. Do you think the Apostle Paul would say these to those he ministered to? We know there are daily battles with the flesh and we are instructed not to accept what it is, but to flee temptations and repent of our sinful ways. Would you give the same response you did above to a man who is married, but has sex with other women and say “it is what it is”? Homosexual sin is no different, it is sinful and we need to flee from it and repent, turn away from our sinfulness. I would like your response if you would.
October 16th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
Charles,
I have responded to your question in a separate blog due to its length.
http://www.gracerivers.com/cor6-9-11
John
November 22nd, 2010 at 3:56 am
Let my life be a testimony to John’s statements. I am gay. I am in LOOOOOOOVE with Jesus, but it always hasn’t been like this. I wasn’t really connected to Christ before I “came out” like I am now. The reason? I wasn’t connecting my true self to Christ. I wasn’t putting forth my all. It was when I truly accepted myself and stepped out of denial that I found the healing power of Christ. Am I still gay? Yes. There was no “heaven opening up” moment in which God “cured” me. I am not sick, I’m broken. There is no cure; there is only healing. I cannot love a woman, nor did I wake up one morning and choose to be an abomination to my the modern church or society. Like John said, “It is what it is.” When we recognize this, healing can enter into our lives. Do I feel like me loving a man like heterosexual couples love each other is an infraction against God? No. If God is there in that relationship, how can it be. The trinity is not assigned to sex or gender, but to hearts and souls. When I speak of healing, I do not mean that I feel like my attraction to men spawns from my woundedness, but that my woundedness spawns from culture seeing me as tainted. The healing is a process in which we let go of needless shame, shame that ultimately shields us from Jesus and his wonderful grace. So do I think that God wants for me to be a heterosexual one day? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. I’m not a heterosexual now, so I realize that this is the moment that God has me in for whatever learning and sanctification is appropriate. And during my sanctification, I have learned that it is hard to be proud of something else until you are first proud of who you are. God is a diverse God, so it makes sense that he creates a diverse creation. God is not assigned a sex, so are our souls? And honestly, my sin is not against another person, but against God. Shouldn’t He be the one to take care of that? How arrogant for someone to think that it is their responsibility to modify a person’s behavior or to convince someone that they’re spiritual life is less than par. That is ridiculous.
Also, let my mother (Carondelet, post seen above) and I be an example to the healing and redemptive power of Christ, as we work to renew and replenish a broken relationship. A relationship that’s path to healing was onset by my admission to being gay. I’m sure that she will attest to the fact that she has learned just as much about herself and about Christ vicariously through my journey and through her own personal journey. Her spirit is constantly called to attention on my and her behalf, as we walk this road together. I’m sure she will also say that this road hasn’t been a path of roses for us. It has been hard, as we have been put through the refining fires, Hallelujah!!! But God is faithful and that things work out for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28, a favorite verse that we share. God is working to redeem fear and angst every day in our relationship, so that the Devil may not have a foothold in this relationship. Christ has already claimed victory in our lives. Hallelujah that our battles are already conquered for us!!!
Above all remember: I am not sick; I am not a case study; I cannot be grouped; I do not fit in a box; I cannot be merely explained away or put on the top shelf by a set of scriptures for they are my redemption and grace, the very word made flesh; and to do any of these things is to deny my intrinsic-ness and by extension, to deny Christ in me.
From one broken heart to others,
Braxton