Full Report – San Francisco
Thursday, June 16th 2011
Some good friends of mine held a prayer meeting for a weekend trip to San Francisco for the Frameline Film Festival. One of my personal requests was that I would not feel alone. I had contacted two people to meet with me while I was there but had only one confirmation for Saturday. I also asked to pray for our critics and enemies. In the New Testament, Jesus and others give us the exhortation to pray for our enemies so in this situation I felt it appropriate to follow that model.
Friday, June 17th 2011
Sitting at the Memphis airport waiting to board my flight for Detroit, I received a phone call. It was from a new friend named Jeff who contacted me a year ago to talk with me about his story. He told me that he had just happened to go to his FaceBook account earlier that day and read my website blog. He scrolled down on the page and found out that I was coming to San Francisco where he lives.
Jeff asked if I might have some time to talk with him while I was there. I told him I had Friday evening and Sunday afternoon and evening open. He said he wanted to meet with me on Sunday afternoon so we put it down. I was hoping he would say Friday because I didn’t really want to just sit around after getting into San Francisco. A few minutes later, he called me back and asked if I wanted to have dinner with him on Friday. I was really glad he was open and began to relax about the weekend.
Hotel Mirabelle
So I took the BART subway train from the airport to San Francisco. Out of the subway station I walked just one half a block and saw my hotel! How easy was that? I found the bed and breakfast type of hotel to be clean, comfortable, and practical. It was the cheapest hotel I could find in San Francisco! I had also booked the hotel because it was just one block from the theater where the film was going to be presented.
When Jeff called to give me directions to where he was going to meet me for dinner it was just a few blocks from my hotel. That was great! So, at dinner time I walked out of the hotel and found an easy and quite beautiful walk to meet him. I stood on the street for a little while and then he called and said he was waiting inside the restaurant.
Dinner With Jeff at “Home Restaurant”
I found Jeff to be very hospitable, kind, and interesting. Jeff began to tell me that he had been involved with Love In Action in the early 1980’s. Since I arrived at LiA in the mid 1980’s we found common ground in people we knew. So we shared our history and we related in our journey with homosexuality and Christ. After several hours and lots of easy conversation we said goodnight and I walked back to my hotel.
Breakfast with Morgan and Friends at Mission Beach Restaurant
Morgan Fox, the creator of the film we were going to see on Saturday, had texted me with information about meeting Saturday morning for breakfast with him and his friends. So Saturday morning I got up and looked at the map to find that the restaurant was just a few blocks away as well. I was familiar with the location since I had walked by it the night before so again, felt quite comfortable with the plan. Morgan’s partner was along on the trip, so at breakfast we met for the first time. I found him to be quiet but very pleasant.
I was feeling anxious as I sat there. I was in San Francisco at a LBGT film festival to see a screening of a film that focused on a critical view of the ministry I had been involved in for 22 years. I tried to come up with what was in my heart but found it hard to think and didn’t have any idea what to expect. So our conversation at breakfast was pleasant but distracted due to all of us being in thought about what was coming.
Mick at Victoria Theater
I had arranged with another friend, named Mick, whom I had known from the early 1990’s to get together on Saturday afternoon. He contacted me and said he would be coming to the film. I was glad to see a familiar face when I arrived at the theater for sure.
As Mick and I sat down at the theater he began to ask me about my recent history regarding the protests at Love In Action as well as what has gone on since my departure from Love In Action in 2008. As I talked, I realized that God was preparing my heart for what I might say when Morgan and I gave our opening statements at the presentation. I was amazed that God had provided me with the opportunity to process my thoughts with Mick in preparation for the film.
Then I looked up and saw another familiar face. He had made a mad dash across town to be at the film. It was so good to see him. Earlier on Saturday morning I was chatting on FaceBook with Ryan who was in Love In action in the early 1990’s. Amazingly, my wife was chatting with Ryan at the same time! We arranged for breakfast on Sunday. I had contacted another friend, who knew Ryan as well, for a Sunday breakfast but it wasn’t confirmed as yet.
A Film Shown Before Ours
There was one film that was going to be shown prior to Morgan’s film so I was curious to see it. It was titled “All We Need is Love.” It was a film about an 11 year old girl who lived in a world where being gay was the norm. As she grew she realized she was heterosexual and began to discover how hard it was to be heterosexual in a gay world. As the film moved on she was teased, bullied, and beat up. Her parents didn’t seem to understand what she was going through and she felt alienated and unheard.
As this film was moving along I began to feel fearful and anxious. I thought, “oh, boy, why did they have to show this film right before our film. This will raise the defensive emotional level in this audience and I could get slaughtered when they show Morgan’s film.” His film focused on a youth who was experiencing the same internal conflicts that little girl felt and his parents took him to Love In Action when he didn’t want to go. I actually came to the realization that I could get accosted maybe even physically beat up here. I just prayed asking for God’s grace no matter what. I had to go through this and also had to trust Him in it.
So, when Morgan and I got up to give an opening statement, from my recollection, this is what I said.
“In 2005, a huge protest uprooted my life. My entire world was rocked and through this one event I began to evaluate my spiritual, emotional, moral and ethical positions. Much like when Jesus came into our world and challenged the very core of our existence, Morgan Fox came into my world with this protest and challenged me deeply. (At that point I had tears in my eyes and heart.) Then we sat down and the film began.
I listened to every word in the film intently. I paid special attention to my own words. There were excerpts from media interviews as well as some from interviews with Morgan. My reactions swung from embarrassment to confidence. I realized that this one film was taking me through a season of my life when Jesus did some of the deepest work in my own heart that has been done in my entire Christian walk.
Questions
As the film ended the crew from the first film, and the folks from Morgan’s crew, including myself, walked to the stage. The audience was then asked for questions. After a couple of logistical questions about where the films could be seen again and how they could get them for themselves, the audience turned to questions for me.
To be honest, I don’t actually remember the questions or much of what I said. Two people filmed the question time so I’ll be able to find that out at a later date what was said. All I remember is that several people spoke to the negative issues represented but affirmed my being there to stand with Morgan and to represent the changes in my heart relating to what God had done in me. It was all quite respectful and appropriate.
Connection with Friends
Afterwards, there was a line of people to speak to me and we had to move our discussion out to the street. Two people stood out to me. One was a lady who came to me in tears. “John, your honesty and your heart changes along with your apology have healed a deep wound in my heart.” She hugged me closely and said “thank you so much.” Than another man came up to me and talked with me vulnerably about how he had felt alienated from the church. He spoke of his family’s rejection and the losses he had experienced. My heart went out to him and I told him to contact me if he felt I could be of any encouragement for him.
Phew, no one beat me up. No one was rude. No one was angry with me. Our prayers for our enemies had been answered. I am certain there must have been those in the audience that didn’t like me and were angry, but the Lord had kept them at bay and I am thankful.
Just Because I Love You
So, as we all prepared to go to lunch Ryan came up to me to give me his reactions. He said, “John, I had no idea you had gone through such a change in your heart. I came here to see you just because I loved you and your wife. You took me into your lives when I wasn’t able to see my own family. I felt a little anxious coming to see you because I figured you were going to challenge me with something “out of love”. But I just put that aside and decided to see you out of being friends even if we disagreed.” He then told me of his shock when he heard my apology and that I had discovered a new perspective of grace. I was humbled that this man would come to see me even though he felt challenged by the potential of disunity.
Mick came with us to lunch so there we were on one side of the table were Morgan and his friends, the other side were my friends with me. As the discussion began, Ryan took the lead and began to ask questions and make comments about our history from years ago. It was a lively discussion especially when in front of the crew who just premiered their film that was posed against Love In Action. They found it interesting to meet these men with a Love In Action history.
After lunch, Mick and went off to spend some quality one on one time at my hotel. As we talked our hearts were knit together once again. We were really good friends when we had lived near each other in the early 1990’s but hadn’t spoken at all since then. Mick told his story of how he had come to accept his homosexuality and that he had been with his partner for 14 years now. He talked about their involvement in a home bible study and how connected they were to their Christian fellowship and friends. I told him how my life had been and the things I had experienced through the years. I think we were both captured by the grace of God in each of our lives.
Oh, My Gosh, Something is Different
After a couple of hours we walked several blocks to have dinner together. As we got to Chow restaurant and sat down in the window along the sidewalk something stirred in my heart and I was rapt with something in my heart. I looked around me and saw about 90 percent of the people were gay. Here I was in San Francisco, just a few blocks from the Castro, the gay district. I was across the bay from where Love In Action was founded and I lived for 8 years. I was captured by this dichotomy and the current situation.
As I looked around at the diversity of those in the restaurant and those who were walking by the window I realized for the first time I didn’t feel fearful of these people. Rather I saw them as men, woman, young and old, just people. I recognized that I was feeling a kind of camaraderie with them and a love for them.
Through the 22 years I was involved with Love In Action I would often say I loved the homosexual community. But that night I realized that I had loved with conditions on my love. I felt softened towards a homosexual if they were seeking Love In Action’s help but when I thought of homosexuals in San Francisco I just felt darkness, a type of pungency that kept me away. I saw San Francisco as a dark horrific place where people were lost, rebellious, anti God!
How Will You Ever Encourage Them, If You Don’t Love Them?
All of a sudden something in my soul said, “How will you ever encourage them if you don’t love them?” That’s it! I didn’t love them. I had a boundary, a barrier, a wall that I was unwilling to see through or climb. But this day, once again, Morgan Fox was used to break down another wall. His film brought me to San Francisco where God would reveal to me my own heart of judgment and showed me His heart of grace. I was in tears in front of Mick as I told him what had just occurred to me.
We finished dinner and Mick walked with me back to my hotel on his way to his car. We embraced and talked of how wonderful it was to know each other again in this season of our life.
A Good Day!
I felt fulfilled from the day. I sensed an amazing dose of God’s heart, His grace and mercy upon me. I felt protected and connected rather than fearful and alone.
Sunday June 19th, 2011 at “It’s Tops Diner”
So, Sunday morning came. Ryan sent me a text and said that in fact, our friend Michael was going to meet us for breakfast. I was elated. I always loved Michael but hadn’t seen him for 15 or more years either. When I got to the restaurant Ryan had just arrived. When we sat down he said, “John, I had to do a pretty good sales job to get Michael to come this morning. He was feeling angst and asked me if I knew why “John Smid” wanted to see us. He said Michael, like Ryan was on Saturday, was tenuous about our meeting.
I felt grieved about what he said. I thought I always loved them with unconditional love. But as he shared of their fears of being with me I realized that they didn’t see the same unconditional love that I thought I was showing them. Obviously, in their angst, they felt conditions and expectations might be in play here.
Ryan was single and had accepted his homosexuality. He is deeply involved in events connected to the San Francisco gay community. Michael had also accepted his homosexuality and had been with a long term partner for over 6 years.
When Michael arrived, I began by telling him that I wanted to put him at ease. I told him of how God had broken my heart open for the gay community and that I was not here to confront him for his homosexuality or for him having a partner. As I sat there looking at a man I had known so well over 15 years earlier I saw his soul and could clearly look past anything that was on the surface of his life. I saw the same man I had known and loved earlier in our lives.
During our conversation, Ryan mentioned to me that he had chosen to divest his gifts and passions in fund raising and support of organizations he felt were doing really good things. He said that years ago he felt alienated from the church but still had a heart for missions and reaching people. So since he couldn’t find a place that would accept him as a homosexual in a Christian place, he found other places to fit. He talked of how the Gay Games of San Francisco embraced him and wanted him to help them. He felt significant. But along the way he had distanced himself from any public or outward connection to God but he knew that God was still with him inside.
Michael began to tell me his story. He said that when he was in his early 20’s he remembers “hiring Jesus” to fix him. He said that when Jesus didn’t seem to do what He had been hired to do he became disenchanted with God and just walked away. He came to accept that he was gay and met his partner. He said he hadn’t been in any church or read a bible in many years.
As I heard their stories my heart broke. Here were these two men that I loved dearly years ago. When I knew them their hearts were expectant for God to move and were soft towards His mercy. But when they got discouraged and lost hope they went away and those who said they loved them abandoned them. They left them because these two men weren’t performing like the others wanted them to so they just virtually left them on the street.
I was one of those who did that. I remember distinctly when I heard that Ryan was living in San Francisco. I was frustrated with his choices and just accused him of being rebellious. I thought, “why would anyone who is a Christian with homosexual desires want to live in that city if they were pursuing God?” I didn’t really care about Ryan, all I was interested in was someone agreeing with me and following my expectations. And Michael? I had lost touch with him. When I found him on FaceBook I saw that he was with a same sex partner and living in San Francisco.
This day, sitting in a diner on Market Street in San Francisco, I was in their living room of life. As I saw their faces and heard their hearts, how could I possibly be judgmental about their lives? I felt nothing but respect for their honesty, and was privileged to hear their stories.
So, God seemed to speak to me and I looked at Michael in the eyes and said, “Michael, I want you to know something. I want you to hear the truth. You ARE God’s best. Not your flesh or your life choices, YOU! You, Michael, Are God’s absolute BEST!”
I followed with an apology.
“Michael, Ryan, Please forgive me for anything I have said, done, or represented that has ever communicated to you that you are anything less than loved by God deeply, richly, and that you are both His absolute BEST!”
I was amazed and almost wept during our conversation. I saw an aspect of God’s amazing grace at work right before my eyes! The changes in the hearts of these two men were almost instantaneous. I began to reflect on something that Paul said in the book of Romans, “because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
We went on to spend the next hour or so encouraging each other in our lives and in our faith. We dug into the truth of God’s Spirit in each of us regardless of all lf the shortcomings and imperfections in our life of flesh. We talked of how God’s desires for us are always for good and that He never leaves us nor forsakes us.
Michael then told me something he remembered from way back almost 20 years ago. He said, “John, I remember you telling me that I was a ‘Jewel’ and to never forget my testimony. You told me that people were always drawn to me and would remember me.”
I said, “Michael, how cool is that. It is true! You are a “Jewel” and I have never forgotten you. And… this is your testimony. The dark times, the invisible times of Jesus, and the good times, your life is your testimony. You are on the Journey of Christ!”
He said he and his partner were moving to Southern California and that he was looking forward to a new beginning in life. He said that this conversation gave him hope that maybe his new beginning would include renewing his relationship with Christ.
Oh, I sighed and then Ryan said that he also was looking to a new beginning with God. His plans are to hike the Appalachian Trail next spring and that he was looking forward to finding God there and gaining a renewed life. He talked about how being with me this weekend and hearing my story of God’s grace caused him to see the dominoes in his own life had begun to fall down rapidly this weekend.
A FaceBook Message From Mick
FaceBook played a very significant role in this weekend. Connecting with friends from California became an impetus for me to go to San Francisco for the festival. Throughout the weekend, it was a communication tool to keep me intouch with several friends I was meeting with as well as some comments after the meetings. Mick, my friend who came to the film, wrote me and said he felt deeply encouraged and renewed in his own faith through our conversation on Saturday. All three men told me how much they looked forward to keeping in touch and following through with what God began this weekend.
So, I went back to my hotel just for a short break to get ready to meet my other friend Jeff, from Friday evening. He was bringing along with him a friend who was in town for the weekend. This man, Samuel, had been in Love In Action in the early 1980’s with Jeff. So, we met at a hang out on Market Street in the middle of the gay community. As I sat there I felt a little uncomfortable because it was more of a social gay atmosphere. But I prayed and continued to see God’s grace there too.
As Jeff and Samuel and I got together Jeff had brought two other people with him. They were a heterosexual married couple who just happened to live in Omaha, my home town. How curious is that? As we began to talk, they brought up that they knew there were Christian programs that targeted gay youth to try to change them. I said, “That would have been me.” I went on to say that from what I knew we were the only “program” for youth and that the film I was involved with was critical of that very program. How interesting?
Then Jeff, Samuel and I went to dinner and reminisced about all of the friends from “way back when.” And caught each other up to date on those we had updates on.
As I got back to my hotel I realized that God had sent Jeff at the last minute to be my host for the weekend. Bookends from Friday night and Sunday night, Mark brought security and comfort to my angst of being all by myself in San Francisco. God had removed my enemies. God had provided incredible connections with others for encouragement and support. I had all of a couple of “free” hours of time in all three days. He broke open a new part of my heart for the gay community and showed me the value of His grace at work miraculously!
So, we’ll see what is next. This is only a milepost on my Journey of Grace.
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July 1st, 2011 at 9:28 am
Really appreciated hearing of your trip to my hometown! Also am grateful to you for sharing your process – helpful to me as I process the reality of a couple significant friends who have left their families to re-embrace their homosexuality. Also fun to see the pics of familiar sights from SF! thanks for sharing!