Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Thursday, March 4th, 2010
For many years I have contemplated the times I have heard that some people have said they were harmed or wounded from their experience with Love In Action or Exodus International. More often than not my reactions have not been favorable. In my own mind I didn’t feel there was any merit to the accusations. After all, “I have given 22 years of my life sacrificially just to hear how we harmed you!”
Well I certainly know the sound of a defensive reaction when I hear one! I was it! I didn’t want to hear anything that was critical or negative. But, I believe in listening to the heart of others no matter how critical it may sound. I needed to check in on my own heart to see if there was any validation to their comments. Of course, there was.
Since I was in leadership with both organizations I have certainly have been at the center of many of the criticisms. The scripture challenges us to be careful with what we say and do as leaders because of the higher standard that is expected and deserved from those whom we care for.
In the last two years I have had a lot of time to ponder, pray, and sort through many facets of my vocational ministry history. Since I have had a lot of alone time my searching has been easier to handle.
I was recently contacted by David Roberts from the “Ex-gay Watch” and online blog for those following the ex-gay movement. David had seen a recent announcement of the new Grace Group that is being started by Grace Rivers and wanted me to write something. In our discussion we both felt it would be good for me to address some of the criticisms out there concerning my leadership in “ex-gay” ministry. I have taken the last week to write a letter and to that end, here it is.
It’s Time for Honesty!
From John J. Smid to the readers of Ex-gay Watch,
Just a little bit of history here. I became a Christian in 1982. My new faith created conflicts in my homosexual relationship and eventually we broke up. It was at that point and I decided to pursue my relationship with Jesus instead of looking for a new relationship right away.
When I had been celibate for several years I felt that I wanted be married to a woman. I had been married previously and in my heart wanted to give that a try again.
I met my wife Vileen in 1985 and we married in 1988. We have had a good, faithful marriage just as I had hoped. I told her about my homosexuality right after we had met. She has walked alongside me knowing that I have chosen her rather than to pursue a homosexual relationship. She is aware that my attractions haven’t changed in general towards men but that I love her deeply and make choices daily to remain faithful to our marriage and have not regretted that decision.
In 1986 I moved to San Rafael California to work as a volunteer for Love In Action. I am passionate about people and spent 22 years with Love In Action. Since Exodus International was in our same office most of those years I also became involved with them right away.
By 1995 I had been involved in Love In Action and Exodus for nine years and was asked to give a talk in a general session at the Exodus national conference. God had brought me to a point where I was willing to admit to myself that I still had homosexual attractions. As a result of my own internal process of disclosure I decided to give my talk on the topic of honesty. I spoke of my current homosexual attractions and challenged the audience to be honest with themselves. I have always been as intentional as I could to share freely about those things whenever I speak or meet with someone who can relate to homosexuality.
The Famous Protest
On June 6th of 2005, when the protestors showed up on the sidewalks in front of Love In Action to speak against the Refuge Program, my world was rocked. But within just a couple of days my heart was humbled by the gracious words coming from those who were outside such as “God Loves You”. The truth spoken from them caused me to think and began to soften my heart.
A lot has changed since then. God does love me and He loved me enough to continue to shave off some things in my life that have been wrong, offensive, calloused and judgmental. Through the humility of Morgan Fox, one of the leaders of the protest, I was humbled once again. His pursuit of a relationship with me, though I did not deserve it, has been another tool that God has used to break through parts of my heart that needed to be touched.
Morgan asked me to interview for a documentary he is producing about the protests. I resisted for a long time. After many meetings with Morgan I began to see his godly character and agreed to an interview because I trusted him. During our camera time the discussions involved things from the past that have been said about Love In Action or about me as the former leader. I had spent many hours and in some cases years, pondering these things and wondered how I could make amends for the things that had hurt or wounded others during my 22 years of leadership with Love In Action. Certainly there were many.
Please Forgive Me
In 1994 an article was written that said that I told a young man it would be better for him to commit suicide than for him to go into the gay lifestyle. I have been haunted by that article all through the years. I have felt defensive, reactionary and frustrated every time I have read it not knowing how I could in any way, clear it away. Maybe this will help.
I want to publically say to the young man, “I am very sorry for the conversation that I had with you that fateful day. I loved you very much as a brother and feel deeply grieved for the way that my words hurt you.” If I could, I would erase the conversation and start all over with ” I love you, and as you move on I will pray for God’s very best for you in your life. No matter what you do, Jesus deeply loves you.” “Please forgive me.”
Some people have spoken out about being wounded through their experience with Love In Action. ” I want to say I am very sorry for the things that have wounded you or hurt you by my hands of leadership at Love In Action or anything I have done personally that has harmed you.” “Please forgive me.”
Exodus International
I was a member of the board of directors of Exodus International for eleven years. I spoke on many occasions in general sessions and in workshops at the national conferences for most of the 22 years I was involved in Love In Action and Exodus. Thousands of men and women came to Exodus ministries and conferences looking for a hand, seeking hope, or for someone to hear their heart and understand.
I am a very verbal person and can speak at times without thoroughly thinking through what I might say before it comes out of my mouth. Without question I know I have said things that may have hurt someone or caused confusion or discouragement. Please forgive me for the things I have said that were not helpful or were further damaging of your tender heart.
As a board member of Exodus International I felt a strong sense of stewardship for the lives we hoped we would impact with the love of Jesus. I have learned a lot more over the last couple of years about how unconditional His love really is. I believe I could have done a better job of letting people know that Jesus loves them purely because He does, unconditionally. I am sorry for not being a better vessel of the Love of Christ to those who deeply need to know of His love. I realize I was often more concerned with telling people how to live than I was with imparting God’s grace so that they would want to live!
Refuge Program
Now, regarding the most highly publicized” Refuge Program” for teens that was held through Love In Action. If I could go back and do anything differently based on what I know today – it would be the Refuge Program. I have a hard time admitting it but the protests did bring about a season for me to reevaluate my life, my heart, and the Refuge Program. God did an amazing work in me through the challenges that resulted from the people who came to the streets in front of our ministry, morning and night, for two weeks.
I really wanted to help the young men in our program but in some cases the design of our program caused more harm for some of these kids that it did good. I am very sorry for the ways that Refuge further wounded teens that were already in a very delicate place in life. I am grateful for the way that God lovingly called us to revamp the methods for dealing with families with teens so that more teens weren’t hurt.
I have been a Christian for almost 30 years. There are myriads of things that I do or that go through my mind that aren’t biblically appropriate. There are many things that God wants me to change in my own life so that I can be a better person, love Him more and love others better. So, while I do not hold to a belief that homosexual relationships are blessed by God, neither are the many things in my own life that aren’t blessed by Him. I do not want a judgmental heart to separate me from people that I love dearly.
Leaving Love In Action
It has been almost two years since I left the ministry of Love In Action in May of 2008. I have had many days and hours alone to think and ponder the last 22 years. God has dug deep into my heart and caused me to see something very important that he wanted me to know. He loves me unconditionally. His grace is sufficient for me. I cannot do anything that He hasn’t forgiven, isn’t forgiving, and won’t forgive and it is up to Him to restore my soul, I can’t do that myself.
I am not the judge and jury of other people. I can’t see another person’s heart like He can. I cannot redeem anyone, only He can. I don’t know what someone might need today but he does.
If you have been wounded by me or harmed through the hands of my leadership; please come to me and allow an opportunity for me to personally apologize with the hope that we can both be released from the bondage of unforgiveness.
Grace Rivers
I am leading a new ministry called Grace Rivers. It’s primary focus isn’t to be an ex-gay ministry but within the context of offering grace and the Love of Jesus to our world we are starting grace groups for people impacted by homosexuality.
As a brand new start, Grace Rivers is an outpouring of the many of the changes in my own heart. I have based this work on nine core values starting with honesty, moving on to listening to others effectively, and in the end giving respect because God does. I have attempted to pursue these values in my own life to the best of my ability. God is still working on restoring me so I know He is doing the same with others. We are all on a road of life that is hopefully improving day by day. He says He will complete the work He has started so I trust Him fully with my life and with the lives of others who know Him.
Sincerely,
John J. Smid
Tags: Ex-gay Watch, Exodus International, john smid, Love In Action, Morgan Jon Fox, Refuge Program
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Testimonies, Uncategorized | 21 Comments »
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
Hidden Feelings Come Out
I was going to Sears to check out something I was interested in but I was a little early so I was sitting in my car waiting for the doors to open. I looked across the lot and saw a young lady get out of her car. She checked out the back seat where her young toddler child was belted in and shut the door leaving her child in the car. She locked the door and proceeded to walk towards the door to Sears.
I was astonished at what had just happend! I felt a responsibility to protect that child who was motherless in the car in a shopping mall parking lot! I quickly called the police to inform them that a child had been abandoned! I was experiencing nerve shattering, exasperation! I wanted her to be taken to jail no matter what else happened that day, I desired judgment to occur – right then!
I am very protective of little children and the times in my life when I have come out of my skin with carefree confrontation of others has always been when I perceived children were being wounded, or neglected. Oh, I have the stories but never saw anyone get the penalty and today I wanted to see that occur.
So I waited, looking all over the lot for a police car to drive up.
About five minutes later this young mother came walking out of the store moving towards her car. Well, I was ready for bear! I got out of my car and moved towards her with intent to harm on my mind. I approached her and out of my mouth came all of those anxious feelings:
What in the HELL!!!! do you think you are doing?
You walked off and left your child unattended in your car!!!!!!
The lady looked at me with eyes wide open, shocked at the intensity that just flew out of my mouth.
She said: “I am so sorry you were afraid”.
I responded, Of course I was afraid! You left your child! That is how kids get stolen, burned alive, abandoned! You should never leave your child like that!
She said, “I am sorry, I won’t do it again”. ”Thank you for caring enough to say something and to be so protective over my child”.
She got in her car and drove off. I was still shaking like a leaf.
That was quite a shocker for me as well! I never expected her to be so rational about what had just happened. When I got away from the situation I saw something really interesting about myself and about what had just happened.
I do a lot of teaching that almost always includes learning how to communicate our feelings in ways that are honest and effective. That day, this young mother called out my deepest feeling, fear. I was expressing deep anger through my overt words but I didn’t know myself what I was really feeling, I was just reacting!
How funny, this mother who is at the other end of a tongue lashing was calm enough to know more of the truth in this situation than I was.
Lady, I feel fearful and anxious about you leaving your child in the car unattended! I feel incensed that you would put your child in harm’s way! I felt protective over your child’s welfare because she was alone and potentially in line for severe danger! I feel confused as to why you would have done that and over how important it was that you left your child in the car to do something in Sears!
I felt embarrased that I had just left my sanity, swore at this young mother shaking her to the core. I also felt some indignation for what had happened because honestly, the lady was careless and did in fact put her child in harms way.
Well, God has His ways of bringing us into teachable moments of life. Fortunately, nothing happened to the child and hopefully the mother won’t ever forget:
Whatever the HELL she was doing that morning!
Tags: Core Values, Feelings, honesty, Journey of Thomas
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
Being an authentic person requires of us to know ourselves.
Who was I…apart from building and maintaining a false image of my children and marriage? That kept me pretty busy! I didn’t know!
How did I grow up?
My memory of preschool days is that I was very much a mommy’s girl. I treasured the alone time with her when she’d lay down with me for my naps. Even though times were tough back in the 50’s, and my dad had to work a second job to make ends meet, my mom stayed home with us children. That was more important to them than things. I was the baby of the family for almost 6 years, so I am sure I had a lot of time with my mom. I remember loving dolls and being a mommy to them. I loved to sing and make up stories and I actually sang some of my stories. I felt safe with my mother. She told me that when I was a little girl, I said, “When I grow up and get married, I am going to live in a house right next to yours so I can come and see you everyday.” However, after two more little girls came along and we moved to the country…something changed.
I became very close to my father whom I loved very much and would do anything to please. I saw myself during those impressionable years very much as a tomboy, and I was okay with that. I was social. I loved sports especially if I was the sought after one to be drafted to the winning team of the day in the neighborhood. And, I usually was. That was a good thing in my 10-12 year old mind. I broke my own horse for riding at age 7, I remember one day falling off five times in a row and getting back on to ride. It made my dad very proud that I was so tough. I believed the more tough and the stronger I was the better. That was the message I got and I bought into it. I was from a family of four girls and no boys. I used to hear that from the men who helped us put up hay in the summer that I was the closest thing my dad had for a son and I was proud about that. I always felt like I had the edge on dad’s affections because of my strength.
I developed very early as a young girl. I got a lot of attention from both men and older boys because I appeared to be a fully developed young woman, when other girls my age were still little girls. That was confusing for me, but somewhere in my neediness I saw this as bringing me significance of another kind.
My high school years were full and completely enjoyable for me. I played sports since women’s sports in the schools were just taking off. I had lots of good friends and was very involved in my church youth group. I never really dated much until I was a Senior, but I had serious crushes on a couple guys who were very spiritually strong. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I was attracted to, but ironically, I wasn’t even sure the guy I dated for five years starting my Senior year was even a Christian.
When I married Roger I felt like I had finally found the perfect combination to fulfill me. He loved the outdoors, and enjoyed sports of a different kind, such as; hunting, camping, hiking, and swimming. We seemed to have so much in common. But Roger also encouraged me to dress up, to enjoy being a woman. It seemed the best of both worlds. I really thought I would finally be able to be myself. However the encouragement for me to be more feminine seemed to be rooted in making him look good. He’d pick out my clothes, my jewelry, my shoes and I would comply. Now mind you, this wasn’t all Roger’s fault even though his motive may have been mucky, I came into this relationship not having any idea of who I was as a woman. I was raised in a very conservative home, which is not a bad thing, but wasn’t really given the chance to explore likes and dislikes that were outside the box. I also had been quite abused verbally and emotionally by my previous relationship and I was left pretty wounded in that area. I didn’t really have an opinion about anything, but my wounded spirit became a sign around my neck that said, “Control Me!”
As we began to have a family, I continued to lose more and more of myself. Now I was a wife and a mom. But because I didn’t have enough confidence in who I was, I become whatever my husband, family or friends needed me to be at the time. Looking back, there were times that parts of me would surface, but I didn’t recognized it because I had decided that whoever I was, wasn’t okay. So I buried everything that was part of me deep inside.
I didn’t see these as problems until the severe problems of our marriage surfaced and we were forced to deal with many things in our lives. Roger and I were encouraged through the ministry that God used in our life’s to bring healing to understand that we both needed to rediscover our God given identity as a man and woman first individually and then within this relationship. God had a work to do in both of our lives.
First, I had to discover what was significant about me…a woman. I had to get to know who I was as a woman, not just as a person. God created me to offer something to man…something that he needed. Adam and God walked in the garden together, sharing many things that only God and Adam would ever share, but still something was missing….A woman, a feminine heart! What does that mean for me? Doesn’t that give me great value! My feminine heart is valuable not just in a marriage, but in life…offering the deepest side of my heart which is God given, God created, to the world. The world needs what my heart has to offer! A unique side of God’s image!
I have to do some research.
Next I had to explore my likes and dislikes…find my passions, my hopes, my dreams! All of this is part of who I am and what I have to offer to Roger and apart from Roger to others around me.
I found that I love lace and pearls. I use them as a symbol to represent a real passion for old things. But it’s more than that. It’s about who lived in my house before me. Who cooked in my kitchen? What kind of conversation took place there? Whose little feet ran through my house and were they cared for? Was the woman loved, was she able to express herself. I am passionate about women’s hearts and offering what I’ve been given as a balm for healing to others. I want to know people deeply. I want to love deeply. I am passionate about building relationships in my own life, my husband and children, our extended families.
I meet God in so many ways other than at church. I am blessed by writing, reading, listening! I meet Him while building relationships…going for a walk in the woods. Not in throwing hay bales to find my significance but in driving a tractor while raking hay for my son and the relationship that is being built in the process. I feel His presence when having special “Tea Parties with my granddaughters and teaching them about the heritage that’s been left them from past grandmother. I feel my Creator when I am spending time sharing my heart and reaching into the heart of another woman over a steamy cup of coffee…or preparing a special meal and serving it to an overwhelmed husband and wife who just need to be loved on and served. I hear His voice… “Thank you for loving your husband today,” when I drive out to a field to bring him a cool drink on a hot day just because I thought of him during my day or in mowing the lawn because it takes both of us to make life work. I still love the out of doors, because somehow God is more real to me there. The cool breeze on my face and the fresh air that I breathe, it’s all from Him.
How has this helped?
Today, I can express an opinion and I know what I like and don’t like. I don’t have a lot of strong opinions, but I have learned to stand strong when I do have one. I walk more naturally today in who I am even when others may think very differently. However, I do still struggle at times not to lose myself, when I am around lifestyles that are not accustomed to a heart like mine. But I know that I must take the risk each day to be true to who I am. Hopefully I can offer something new to someone else. I am trying to stay open enough myself to learn from others, new aspects of life that may challenge and enhance my character.
Offering yourself to someone else is a risk…but the reward is great! Are you willing to explore who you were created to be and walk in it? I did and found the blessings far outweigh the fears. I live today in a marriage that is more often balanced and fulfilling then not. We still fight at times for our voices to be heard, but we both have one. Our differences will only enhance each other’s character and our similarities provide understanding and unity. I admire the parts of Roger’s that are different from me and I know he feels the same. We complete one another and together, when walking in His design, our lives will be a testimony of His love and grace!
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
Friday, January 29th, 2010
Loving an enemy. Hum. Who is our enemy?
Matthew 5:43-47
“You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”
I have heard this Scripture all of my Christian life and maybe even before. Love your enemies. I have often though about the call on the Christian’s life to heed this concept but never really understood many of the implications that God brings with His challenge for us to love one another, yes even our enemies.
I recently experienced a situation where this passage was illuminated brighter than I could have imagined. It was one of those “aha” moments that blew my mind away.
In 2005 I encountered a group of people that upset my entire world. They interrupted the foundation of my life. Their actions brought about huge consequences that were very difficult to overcome. To some degree there was a lasting impact that is not even completely resolved today. This group was led by a man whom at the time I referred to as my “Enemy”. From what I went through it appeared he was seemingly trying to destroy my very soul.
A few months after the main thrust of this attack my enemy requested a meeting with me. I very reluctantly agreed to the meeting figuring this may get him off of my back. With a second person for support we met in my office for about an hour. I found the meeting to be quite surprising because I saw something in this man that I had not seen previously. I saw a human being who had a heart and a soul. He shared some very vulnerable things about his life which were surprising to me. I responded with an open heart towards him since he seemed to be so open and honest himself.
From this meeting something inside of me began so shift. Several months later he came back into my world through attending a ministry meeting I was leading. He was kind, and socially friendly. I found it easier to be around him this time.
Through his coming to another ministry meeting and a series of casual meetings with him it became clear that there was a connection being built between us that didn’t seem so negative. Feeling caught off guard, I was growing from my interaction with him. He was teaching me things that were interesting and valuable to me.
Now, over four years later, we are working on projects and enjoying the time we spend together. He and I were sitting in my office the other day and we were talking about the events in 2005. I described him using the term “enemy” and something blew through my brain like it came from heaven! The scripture above, “love your enemies” ran around my head. I looked at my friend in the middle of my amazing revelation and directly and said:
“I can’t imagine using the term “enemy” in describing you anymore. You are my friend”
He smiled and nodded in agreement. I think it might have been a little uncomfortable for him to hear that. This was his response to our meeting:
“Hey John. Had a good time yesterday. I am continually excited and feel more and more enriched as more of the evolution of our friendship becomes clear in the ways we’ve affected one another. So cool!”
After our meeting I pondered the concept of loving your enemies and found that God had led me through an amazing life lesson. I wondered if what God had in store for us is that if we can learn to love our enemies, we may find new friends who will teach us things growing lessons of life. I also thought about another scriptural principle that we are not fighting against flesh and blood, but against principalities in the heavens. When I looked back at that day so long ago, I started out thinking I was fighting against a man who was leading a group. I didn’t want to talk to him and wished he would just vacate my life. He was my enemy.
My convictions haven’t changed about the issues that brought us into a battle. I am not sure his have either. We haven’t lived with an agenda to try to change one another. We haven’t made a project of one another out of our time together. I have tried most of all to seek to know him and what he finds important about life.
Today, I really like this guy. He is gracious, kind, thoughtful and faithful. He is a servant, a giver, and loves people. He thinks deeply, he is intensely creative, loves his family and follows convictions that are significant to his life values. Ultimately, no matter what his qualities are, he is human and loved by God. It is my responsibility to battle with spirutual principalities in a heavenly way and to learn to love people, even if they appear to be enemies. I have a new name for the seeming enemy of my life years ago, it is Friend.
Tags: battle, Enemy, Friend, Love
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Friday, January 1st, 2010
New Year’s resolutions are not something I have ever really gotten into. However, when my wife and I celebrated our 21st anniversary this last December we made some decisions about how we wanted to spend this next year.
We love people and cherish our friends. We have been privileged to know many awesome people and really love to spend time with them. But, as many would say about our convictions about money, just look at my check register and you will see where my priorities are. It is the same about our relational calendar. We go year after year “wishing” we would have spent the time more with our friends. There are friends we have known for a very long time that we have not chosen to spend time with unless it is a common event or passing by in a store. We feel regretful and know we have missed out because we have ignored initiating more time with them.
So, this year, we are going to take the initiative to act upon our heart’s desire. We are going to choose to invite people into our lives. We will also invite ourselves into their lives! If it is just a stopping by, or a simple pizza night at our house, it is our hope that next New Year’s Eve we can say we were richer because of the time we spent with people that we love.
Then, there are those who we don’t know so well that God has laid upon our hearts. Those folks that we have said, over and over, we need to get with them. Some of these people are struggling with life and we have wanted to encourage them. Others may not be someone who is naturally who we would choose to spend time with but God is nudging us in that direction. We need to make them a priority as well.
So, friends and soon to be friends, look for John and Vileen to interrupt your lives with our smiling faces! For those of you who may not expect it, look for us to “invade” your lives.
Or, if you’d like, give us a call! It is our intention to not spend as much time letting the weeks go by sitting around home in our lazy routine. I do plan on watching American Idol and Biggest Loser but it may be recorded for later.
How about you? Is there someone God is laying on your heart to spend time with? Let’s compare notes in a year.
Tags: john and vileen, JohnSmid
Posted in Get Into John's Head, Personal for the Smids, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Friday, December 18th, 2009
Grace Rivers Ministry – 2009 Yearend Review
Now that we are closing 2009, I wanted to reflect on some things God has done over this last year. Grace Rivers has been in its formation now for over a year. This is our first full fiscal year in operation. As in any newly formed ministry there are often many unresolved questions about exactly what God has in mind. We began with a tremendous desire to offer a message of healthy relationships. We have had the hope that those around us that are orphaned by the body of Christ might be found and brought back into productive and effective growth in Christ. This burden continues and gets stronger each day.
This year we developed The Journey of Thomas. This material has brought clarity and foundational communication regarding our vision. We have taught The Journey of Thomas at several retreats and conferences and have received tremendous feedback from its truth. Through the summer months John Smid wrote email articles which ended up being the draft for a book named The Journey of Thomas. This book is in the process of being published and we are thrilled as we anticipate its printing. Sue DeRaad has written reflections from her heart for each core value in the Journey making this a tremendous project. Todd Posey has worked alongside John and Sue in helping with the project as a whole.
Over five years ago John Smid had a vision to begin some form of fellowship that might encourage intimate communication and relationships for men and women. This vision was primarily focused on those who were longing for a deeper connection in life with others. In answer to prayer, John was introduced to Stacy Tyson who is the director of Truth Seekers Fellowship here in Memphis. Through weekly meetings together they found that they were in sync with the same desire. They developed a model of small groups of three to read God’s word, share life together and encourage each other towards mission in their lives. They have called these groups Life Transformation Groups.
Since this last summer, there have been numerous “LTG’s” that have formed. There is a desire to build these groups into a network of small groups to become even more effective in deepening individual relationships with each other and with the Lord and in reaching the lost sheep in our world. John is currently mentoring five men individually to impart the message of the LTG into their lives.
Individual Counsel
Several times each week we are contacted by someone wanting to know how they can relate better to a family member or friend in a challenging or stressful situation. Through his years of experience John has been able to provide helpful wisdom or practical application to set these folks free from their fears.
Special Projects
John has been working with two individuals who are producing documentaries that will tell the story of God’s grace and His desire to reach those needing hope. John’s personal story will be told through these works in progress and it is our desire to see them reach the public next year. Through these mediums it is his desire that they will produce opportunities for even more sharing of the Journey of Thomas and hopefully increasing the circulation of John’s book after it is printed.
Dramatic Move of God’s Spirit
The formation of Grace Rivers Ministry is proving to be a dramatic work of God’s spirit. The depth of the message of the Journey of Thomas and a fresh message of God’s grace for His people is certainly rich and still being formulated but the energy is quite present!
It is our conviction that as God has said in His word that Jesus has died to give us LIFE and LIFE ABUNDANTLY. It is our desire to be vessels of His life to a lost and broken world. As in our vision statement, we are postured to be “Followers of Jesus Christ impacting our WORLD one person at a time!” It is thrilling to see this come to fruition as we press on.
Just last week John had the opportunity to have had significant connections with 14 men in one day in different venues. Now this is the church as described in Hebrews 10:25! This is the practical application of stimulating one another towards love and good deeds, two by two, group by group, person by person in the Name of Jesus. This is the mission of Grace Rivers.
When he drew a team of leaders together to build the foundation for Grace Rivers, it was a move of faith. At a time when our current financial environment is so shaky, we have stepped out in obedience to Christ believing this message of hope is more valuable than ever. God has honored our decision and opened up doors beyond our first vision.
It has been with great sacrifice and hard work that Grace Rivers is getting off the ground. It is our desire as a ministry to be as frugal as possible. Our main financial needs surround providing John with a living wage which we have not been able to do as of this time. John and his wife Vileen have given up many comforts and have been willing to live with daily provision as God has led through this year. However, as of this date, there are upcoming needs that cannot be met without God’s leading and provision. John does not have health insurance and has spoken with us about upcoming tax payments and other annual needs that are of concern.
We are pleased that throughout this formational time for Grace Rivers John has been able to put his full time effort in the development of a timely and important ministry outreach. We want that to continue because we can only see more needs coming in this next year that will take his full attention. Such opportunities as more conferences, speaking engagements, and personal ministry for many individuals will require him being able to devote his energies in that direction.
Please join with us in prayer and financially. We hope you will consider making a yearend gift to get us through the present needs. We are praying to close the year with at least $5000 above our typical monthly gifts. This would go a long way in giving us the boost we need to relieve the ministry of the burdens at this time.
Thankfully,
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Friday, December 18th, 2009
Dear Friends,
As we celebrate the birth of Jesus, I cannot help but be thankful for His life and transforming power in our world. It is his personal touch and intervention that brings me hope; not only for myself, but for the many whose lives He will touch deeply.
This year God has taken me deeper into understanding the true meaning of Grace. He has challenged my critical spirit that can rise up when I am feeling fearful or insecure. He has continued to transform my life by shaving off the portions that do not reflect Him.
I have enjoyed spending rich time in fellowship with others who are seeking God’s love in their lives. I have been privileged to know men who are lonely, some who are recovering from a life challenge, a few who just need a listening ear and some that are there for mutual support and encouragement.
My wife and I have had a precious time of renewal in our relationship from an intentional time away with each other. At 21 years of marriage, we were long overdue for a tune up.
It has been encouraging for us to walk alongside the Lord in such a way as to seek Him each day for His provision, His leading, and His plans. I can think of many times I have been at the end of my rope and found myself searching in His Word for hope, an answer, or to know Him better.
Writing the Journey of Thomas has been none other than a miracle in and of itself. To think that I would write a book was clearly foreboding, but God devised a plan through which He would surprise me! Low and behold, when I compiled all of the sections that were written, the basic material was there! I hope it is published this coming year.
I worked as a car salesman for a short period of time. It was surreal for sure. I was willing, and thought I understood the plan God had for me in working there but within two weeks, God surprised me again and showed me His heart – for mine and His willingness to allow me to pursue my dreams for a life of ministry. I am thankful that I was only there for two weeks!
At the end of this year, it is my desire to remain thankful. Just a couple of years ago, God opened my heart and my eyes to see that He wanted to free me to follow a new dream that seemed so unclear. He challenged me to be willing to go wherever He might lead me. My wife and I are at that place. We have agreed to keep our hearts in a “Whatever Lord!” place. It is both exciting and fearful for us for sure. But, at this moment the dream seems to become a little clearer. This next year will surely be interesting.
We hope that your new year will be filled with the knowledge of the Love of Christ in a very personal way. Our prayers go out for you and those you love.
A very Merry Christmas, and a blessed New Year!
John J. Smid
Executive Director
Tags: Development, Grace Rivers Development
Posted in Get Into John's Head, Grace Rivers Development, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Friday, December 18th, 2009
I’ve written a great teaching on the significance of expressing our feelings. I have long touted the importance of sharing the feelings we have in order to express them, release them, and resolve them. The scriptures talk about when one part of the body hurts, the whole body hurts.
This morning as I left the fitness center after a good work out, I was putting my gym bag into the car. I was feeling pretty good and as I slid the rear door of our minivan shut a bolt of electricity went through my whole body! Yeeeeeaw! My thumb screamed to my body, I’m stuck between these two doors!!!!!
I quickly pulled the handle open to release the door from my thumb and looked at a very ugly sight. I will not describe it to you so as to not spread my experience too far into your life.
I grabbed something to wrap my thumb in and with everything in my I began to pray asking God to free me from this pain. I started to intentionally breathe heavy, in, out, in… out, in…. out, with the hope that this may help with the pain. Hey it works for delivering children; maybe it will work for me!
As I was gingerly driving home all I could think of is, I need to see Vileen and share my pain with her. Then I thought about the feelings material that I had written. I really needed to share my pain because something inside me told me it would make it better.
So, as I drove up to the house and went inside, I found Vileen and showed her my sorry thumb. It did help to share my pain. She entered into the solution with me to find something to wrap my thumb. She was giving instruction for making it better. We thought it would be a good idea to get a thumb guard to protect it so I drove to Walgreen’s to see if they had one.
At the counter I spoke with the pharmacist about my smashed thumb. She said, “Oh, I’ve done that. That brings back some painful memories.”
She understood my pain because she had done that herself.
Why can we at times be so reticent to share our emotional pain with others? It helps to let others know. It relieves some of the burden to know someone else has gone through the same thing I have.
Within about an hour or so I had shared my smashed thumb with three people and it started to not hurt so badly. I have wrapped it and am now into the flow of the day. I have a big clumsy thumb but I’m ok now. Life is moving on.
Find a place to share your pain today. Get it out there and release it. Maybe it will help.
I never knew I could draw a lesson from smashing my thumb but God uses some strange things to show us how to live our live better.
Tags: Feelings, Journey of Thomas, The Body
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Monday, November 30th, 2009
Desolate, alone, no where to turn, despair…
So hopeless that taking his own life must have seemed like the only choice.
How does someone get to this place…we were heartbroken as we watched some 450 people came to say good-bye. They spoke of his life…A “Smile” that was contagious, a “Heart” that kept giving! The stories repeatedly testified of people, people whose lives were touched by this one man! One after another stood to bare witness of the man they knew…or thought they knew. He was a friend, a son, a father and a husband…
He seemingly, was a lover of life, people, family and the out of doors.
What went wrong?? How does one hide their despair from 450 people?
What could have been going through his mind?
There is nothing good about me…
If anyone were to find out…
No one would understand…
I am so ashamed…
I can’t ask…I just couldn’t take another rejection!
I must hide…
I feel hopeless…
These are thoughts many of us have had before…the lies that Satan plants in our minds. Our negative self – talk.
As I sat and observed this tragic occasion, I felt saddened at the people coming and going, watching their expression of bewilderment, grief, shock and silence! The truth was…People were crying out for a chance to listen, a chance to have a part in reversing the outcome. But that was impossible now. Questions were raised…why didn’t he call me? Why didn’t he trust me enough to confide? Feelings expressed… “I’m angry… I’m hurt…I’m so sad!” Honesty reigned, but yet many heads still hung in confusion and grief!
I’ve been looking at my relationships…Do I really listen? Do I see the body language?
Do I look beyond his/her words? Am I a confidant? Am I safe for him/her? Do the people I am closest to, feel safe with me. Do they trust me to be a confidant? Am I trustworthy?
There were many times when despair was also a part of my husband Roger’s life. He believed the lies as well. The lies that no one understood, that no one cared and that he couldn’t possibly be honest about his life, that he’d be rejected again.
I too, being in an unhappy marriage, didn’t want anyone to think badly of the man I loved. I didn’t think I had anyone I could tell that another man was paying attention to me. I believed I had no one I could trust with that information.
We both hid and continued in our pain alone. No one knew how messy our marriage was. So sitting through this service was very personal for us… both as a very difficult time to remember back to that life, but also as a time of awakening for us to not take our relationship or our healing for granted.
As I looked over and saw the tears streaming down Roger’s face, he reached over and squeezed my hand. I knew then that we were united in spirit, in our grief, our compassion for this family and in our gratefulness for what God has brought us through.
We may struggle at times with some of those same feelings, but we are confident in God’s love for us, our love for one another and the love of our families that has been tried and tested. When life’s circumstances seem difficult, we are not hopeless, because …
Psalms 37: 23 – 24: The steps of a man are established by the Lord; and when he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
There have been times, when I thought my life was out of control and this verse brought me peace. A counselor once shared with me that while driving along, he has reached over to hold the hand of his Heavenly Father. What a sweet reality! It’s a comfort to know that He is that close!
Lord Jesus, May your love penetrate us so deeply that others are moved by your presence, may they sense your love, and be drawn to You through us. Make us approachable, honest and open in our relationships, so that others feel safe. Help us remember that every relationship is divinely appointed by you. Make us aware of opportunity everyday to make a difference in someone else’s life. Forgive me for the times I have overlooked someone because of time, busyness, or my own selfish agenda.
Open the eyes of my heart Lord, to be sensitive to the needs of others and available when someone needs to be lead into your presence. Thank you for the privilege of placing the hand of a hurting person into yours…Amen
Tags: Sue DeRaad, The Journey of Thomas
Posted in Sue DeRaad's Blog, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Friday, October 30th, 2009
As Iron sharpens Iron, so does one man sharpen another. Proverbs 27:17
Derek was only 18 when he learned of his father’s addiction. Sitting on the step of a stairwell in a hotel close to his college, he hung his head. First anger, then such severe grief for an 18 year old to have to endure, just when he was trying to figure out his own identity and place in this world.
As a mom, I felt so much pain for my son. I felt so fearful of the effect this news would have on his future choices. I wanted to protect him, to keep him from hurting, but I couldn’t, I needed to let him feel and then handle it in his own way. I could‘t fuss over him or coddle him. He was alone in a whole new environment, knowing very few, no family around him and having to deal with such devastating news about his father. How would this news change their relationship? Would they ever be okay?
Today, I look back to that time and I marvel to think of what God has done in ten years. The progress, the healing of the hearts of two men that I love so much, two men who are learning together to live…wild at heart!
Derek, is a dad himself now living in South Dakota. One night, in the Fall of 2008, while still living in Minnesota, we got a call from him. He asked for his father and said,” Dad I need you!” He worked on his in-laws family farm, but had recently gone on his own and he was feeling overwhelmed! He had so much on his plate and wanted his dad close by. Derek is a risk taker, He was willing to trust God and step out, but now he was asking for help. His dad could have said, “Derek, I’m over 50 years old, I’m done moving around. I am staying right where I’m at.
But instead, he wrestled with God until there was peace, and then he dropped everything and ran to his son! By that I mean…God provided full time work for Roger as a farm hand with Derek’s brother-in-law. Within two weeks after the offer for the job, he was on his way to SD. I went with Roger that first week and then I had to come back to MN and stay working until our house sold. Starting with the very first day we arrived, Roger and Derek spent most nights sleeping in the barn calving out 200 heifers. Derek had spent a couple weeks preparing for our arrival. They had a single mattress and a recliner in the tack room with a small heater and a compact refrigerator also, not to mention a portable DVD player. Many hilarious stories have come from that experience along with some life lessons I am sure.
Mutual respect came from all the experiences they had as they lived in very tight quarters depending on one another to get through day and ultimately the calving season. Walking together in the middle of the night through blizzards and frigid sub 0 degree temperatures…one holding a light and one picking up a new born calf who was on the brink of hypothermia, carrying them to the barn, rubbing them down to increase circulation then placing them in a warmer to save their lives. They worked together assisting many of the cows who were struggling to have their first babies. There were nights where they were exhausted. They had to continue setting their alarms every two hours and getting up to check the cows who were getting close to delivery. Some nights Derek would wake up and sneak out to let his father have some extra sleep and some nights Rog would do the same for him.
Derek saw his dad walking in the newness of the man God created him to be. He saw a seasoned kind of calmness he had not seen in his dad before. He respected him for being willing at his age to change his entire lifestyle and his job to be near him and his family, taking the opportunity to rebuild that relationship.
Roger saw his son as the man he was becoming, strong and adventurous, organized and knowledgeable of the task at hand. He had a strong work ethic, willing to work hard to provide for his family.
This relationship didn’t happen over night. There have been some hard times where the growing pains of honesty, love and respect were being sharpened. But they have worked hard to regain that mutual respect that comes from working through the steps of the journey!
As Iron sharpens Iron, so does one man sharpen another…Proverbs 27:17
This is a verse we have up in our family room near the pictures of Roger, Derek and Jason our son-in law. It is a good reminder of the importance that relationship plays between men.
As a mom, I am moved again by God’s goodness and grace in the lives of Derek and his father. Just 2 weeks ago Roger got a phone call. Derek sounded like a kid in a candy store. He had been invited on an Elk hunting trip. They were leaving for the Rockies the next morning. They would be hauling their horses to the southwest corner of Colorado, unloading, riding up into the mountains and sleeping under the stars. He wanted his dad to come along and be a part of this adventure. It was a very difficult decision; however Roger knew that with the symptoms of West Nile virus still present in his body, it wouldn’t be a good idea health wise for him to go on this trip.
I continue to thank God whenever I see them together. I still, after all these years, am moved to tears as I think of the gift of relationship between these two men in my life. Without both men trusting the God of the universe…things could be very different! The world says, “Just write ‘um off!” But our God is in the business of healing and restoring, He says, “Come to Me…”
Tags: Derek DeRaad, Father and Son, Journey of Thomas, Roger DeRaad, Sue DeRaad
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