Glamorous new look behind the wheel! The F-85 instrument panel is completely restyled, places all gauges for quick and ready reference. New “Delcotron” generator keeps electrical system charging even at idle. Entry and exit is easier, too, with smaller steering wheel for increased clearance.
Buckets on a budget! Solid-tone pleated “Morocceen” is offered in five shades-blue, red, white, black and saddle. Decorative chrome moldings and nylon carpeting add a sparkling luxury touch.
Appointments on the DeLuxe F-85 include full carpeting and foam padding in the front seat. DeLuxe steering wheel, safety-padded instrument panel and two-speed electric windshield wipers are standard equipment.
I don’t think I can remember a time in my childhood when I was more elated.
Our 1963 Cutlass
I was in the 3rd grade, I loved my teacher, Miss Dolan. Life was good! My mom had gone back to work for a really classy hotel as a desk clerk. She would dress up each day with her hair perfect, nice clothes and Tabu perfume. Along with her job came other benefits like movie tickets to the “Cinerama Theater” which was next door to the hotel. We got season tickets for incredible films like “The Wonderful World of the Brothers Grimm, How the West Was Won, and many others we really enjoyed.
Dressed as "Tom Jones"
But the movie tickets didn’t compare to the day I saw her drive up in our driveway in a 1963 Oldsmobile convertible. I don’t know why, but I was completely enamored by convertibles. I thought of them as a way to have incredible fun on great sunny mid-western days. I was always curious about the mechanical tops and how in seconds a car could be transformed from a clumsy looking canvas topped car to a beautiful sleek envious ride. I loved seeing all of the models large and small and couldn’t wait to watch someone push a button and slowly lower the top into the back of the car and drive away.
I never thought in a million years we would ever have a convertible sitting in our driveway. My mom was almost as enthused with her new car as I was. I remember sitting in the front with a sleek console beautifully separating the “bucket seats” while she explained the car with such detail. My grandfather, her dad, was a car buff. She had grown up with all of the incredible Chryslers that he had owned, so she was familiar with terms and features that were exciting.
“Johnny, this is an Oldsmobile, F-85, Cutlass. It has a “ROCKET V-8” engine.”
I thought, “A ROCKET engine?” Wow. I remembered seeing one of the first rockets going up into space and to think of a car as having a rocket engine was even more exciting. She pointed out the button that would lower the top and down it went. Oh my gosh, this is so amazing. “Let’s go for a ride!”
Mom worked the afternoon shift so she wasn’t home much when I was. She came home late in the night and was always asleep in the mornings when I was getting up for school. But almost every morning I would go out into the garage and take a look at “my” new convertible. Well, it wasn’t brand new since she told me she bought it from a customer at the hotel. But to me, a nine month old car was pretty new. Some mornings I would go out and find that she drove the car into the garage with the top down and left it down. Those were the days I would talk her into taking me to school in the “Rocket Engine Cutlass”. How awesome to have the kids at school see me riding up the driveway, proudly announcing, “We have a convertible!”
There were days I would talk mom into letting me stay home saying I didn’t feel well. It usually worked. Since I was “sick” I would often get a new game or toy to help keep me entertained and even better, it was a time to spend with mom since I didn’t see her much. Our weekends didn’t include much family time either. But even better than the new games, in good weather, I would entice her into a ride with the top down.
We had a family room in our basement next to my sister’s bedroom where we watched TV. One night my mom had been laying down in there from being sick. As we were in the family room, my dad came through carrying my mom saying he was taking her to the hospital. She was there for a few days and I was worried about my mom getting better. When she came home I suggested she sleep in my room saying, “You can sleep there so dad wouldn’t bother you in the night”.
Giving her my room was a tremendous sacrifice. Mom had just completely redecorated my room with an Indian printed bedspread, pillows, and décor. I really liked my new room but mom was sick, so she slept in there and I moved to my dad’s big double bed and slept with him. This was fine until one day it seemed she was better and never talked with me about giving me my bedroom back. Week after week, all I saw was my bedroom door closed and sensed that I wasn’t allowed to go in. So, one day I wondered what my new room looked like so I decided to open that door and look in when she wasn’t home.
I was shocked at what I saw. My room was a disaster! I couldn’t find my bedspread since it was buried underneath all of the junk. My new dresser had dried fingernail polish that had spilled on its top which permanently damaged the surface. I felt the air go out of my lungs. I wondered, “What happened to my room?”
I never said anything because I tried to always be the good boy and not upset anything. Not only was my mom sleeping in her private cave, we hardly saw her any more. One Sunday stood out to me because our entire family was in the back yard playing badminton. This had become a rare occasion and its oddity became etched into my mind. Our family was beginning to splinter.
I remember hearing an argument between my mom and dad about the new convertible. It seemed my dad wasn’t as excited about the car as I was. It appeared she had bought the car without him knowing about it. He kept talking about how they couldn’t afford that car. It was clear this wasn’t a joint endeavor. I never saw my dad in the car. It was another private place in my mom’s life that my dad didn’t enter.
As things continued to seem confusing, I found out that my mom had added a second job to her schedule. She was a waitress at a little diner down in town. At one point, she took my sisters and I to eat there where she introduced us to the owners, the Browns. A man came into the diner and sat down with us. I had never seen him before but he was seemingly a really nice man. He paid attention to us and seemed to think we were pretty special. I looked at his smile, his kind eyes, and heard his affirming words. I wanted to spend more time with him, to see him again. The desire to be with him was coming from deep inside me. His name was Mel. I liked what I felt but it also felt confusing.
So, as the weeks went by we saw Mel some more times and I always felt so warm around him. But I never thought about it being strange that the world with Mel never crossed over the world with my dad and our home.
It seemed my dad had become a virtual single parent. He also worked two jobs. He was a mailman during the early part of the day and delivered the daily paper in the afternoon to around 500 people. He was certainly busy but always seemed to be home with us every evening. My sisters were in middle school by this time and were quite capable of fixing simple dinners so they would make “Chef Boyarde” Pizzas and hamburgers and we would sit around the table without mom. Every Tuesday we went out to eat at a local café which was always special for all of us, but mom wasn’t there either.
Sunday morning was always the time to go to church. My dad came from a Catholic family. He made sure my sisters and I always went to church. We learned that God was at the center of life, Jesus died for our sins and offered us a place in heaven. Dad taught me to have faith in God for the little things and the big ones. He lived what he believed and laid a foundation of faith in my life that in a simple way carried me through my childhood. But my future would become much too hard for my lack of maturity in understanding God in the difficult times.
The Gary Moore Show, or Dick VanDyke, or Mary Tyler more also stood out to me as memories with my dad. We also enjoyed sitting on our large front porch on warm evenings just quietly watching the cars drive by. We had a game we played where we would guess the brand of the next car that drove by and see who would get it right. These were good times with my dad. But the household was soon to explode and things were shaking loose. The separation of lives that was growing with my parents but it didn’t seem to bring any arguments. My dad never talked about the things we were seeing so we were left to our own imagination to figure it all out. This split way of living went on for about two years.
My life just seemed to be a crazy kind of normal until one day when I was in the fifth grade. As I walked out of school to take my usual, three block, walk home I saw the convertible drive up next to me on the street. I was a little shocked since my mom was usually at work. The door opened up and mom got out of the passenger side and told me to get in. I looked in and my sisters were in the back seat. When I got in I quickly looked into the driver’s seat and to my surprise, Mel was driving.
I felt the joy of seeing him, but I also felt a tremendous rush of confusion and fear. Our home world had just collided with Mel’s world. Mom said we were going to the Brown’s house and stay there for a couple of days. I don’t remember how she continued on in our conversation but it seemed that my dad was leaving our home. From what she had said, it seemed that dad had become dangerous and was to be feared. She told us we shouldn’t see him. So that night and for a couple more days I slept in a sofa bed with my mom in a strange place.
When we finally went back home things seemed to become angry around us. We didn’t know any details, but after a while my dad would come over on Sunday’s to see us. He was friendly and yet it all seemed so clumsy.
Our lives had changed drastically. Many times my mom would take us to bars where she would meet Mel for a “few beers”. The music, smells, and atmosphere are unforgettable to me. Even to this day I can’t stand the smell of beer because of the remnants of those times in my mind. But, at the same time, considering Mel was there I would sit close to him, touching his life next to mine. He was warm, friendly, and continued to be affirming and loving towards us. So, with mixed emotions, going to the bars was something I hoped we’d do, as long as Mel would be there with us.
Later that year my mom had planned a family trip to go to Denver to see our grandparents. I really looked forward to our time with them. My mom had a friend named Lucy who was going to go with us. So, we all packed into the Cutlass convertible and drove 500 miles to Denver. When we arrived we were all excited to see our family there. Smelling the wonderful aroma of her homemade dinner rolls was incredible.
Shortly after we had arrived a man came to the door and my mom invited him in. She introduced us to him for the first time. She said that he was going to go with her and Lucy into the mountains for a few days. I felt so disappointed. This was our vacation together and mom was leaving us! But that’s the way it was, so arrangements were made for this stranger to stay the night at our grandparents house. Since I was the boy, it was decided that he would sleep with me in the double-bed in the guest room.
As I went to sleep that night, this strange man began to do strange things that included me. In the fog of sleepiness, I am not quite sure of the details but I knew he took my hand and used it to touch him in ways that were strange and shocking to me. When I woke up my first reaction was to wipe it away and excuse it as though it didn’t happen. Or, I thought, maybe it was something he had done in his sleep and didn’t know about it.
The next day they left for their three day trip and my grandparents took us on our own mountain tours, as they always did. We drove through the hills in my grandpa’s Turquoise, 1962 Chrysler 300 Two-door hard top. It became a typical fun time with them so it was a good trip. I just wished my mom had been with us rather than with this man.
Soon, the elation of the wonderful Oldsmobile, F-85, Cutlass convertible became a bad penny. The changing climate of my life had gone from a dream come true, to a dream that wouldn’t go away. No one ever knew about the interchange that occurred that night other than this strange man and me. I buried it into the recess of my mind and moved on.
About six months after our trip my mom sat my sisters and I down for a serious conversation. We never had those, so this was quite unusual. She merely wanted to ask if we were to have a choice, which man would we want her to marry, Mel or the Strange Man. By this time he wasn’t so unfamiliar to me. There were a couple of times he joined us at the bar but it just wasn’t the same as it was with Mel. He invited me to go on a ride on a great big train engine and my mother assured me it would be fun. So a few hours were clumsily spent with him and I couldn’t wait for the day to get over. You might imagine what our answer was. We were unified, “We want you to marry Mel, Mom”.
No more was said but one day I came home from school and the house was all rearranged. Not only didn’t I get my original room back, but my temporary room was dramatically changed and new furniture was moved in and a lock was placed on the door. I was shuffled to the basement into an unfinished room and couldn’t imagine what had happened.
The Strange Man moved in. The house rules changed to reflect his “On Call” job at the railroad. Everything that was familiar became unfamiliar. Our home became even angrier. Fear entered my heart as it did my sisters’. We didn’t get our choice, Mel was now gone and we never saw him again. We were trapped into our home with someone that very clearly didn’t like us. It seemed that their arguments always included his anger towards something related to “those kinds”.
1957 Ford Fairlane
Shortly after this man moved in, the convertible was gone and a 1957 Ford Fairlane four door had replaced it. I was so disappointed to see this utilitarian vehicle had replaced my “Rocket V-8″. It seemed it was a money thing. The Man brought along with him a White 1963 Ford Galaxie 500.
His ford didn’t have a Rocket Engine, it was sluggish because it had a special edition “Salesman’s Edition” economical engine. I think it was a Ford thing! I heard along the way that he didn’t like Oldsmobiles.
1963 Ford Galaxie
As the world around me began to crash we also found out that mom was pregnant. A few months later, she had a baby girl and we were all so excited to see her. I always wanted a new little sister or brother and now I had one!
We paid special attention to her and spoiled her because we really enjoyed having her around. Wendy brought a special light to our household in the midst of the challenges. But my sisters’ joy of their high school years were snuffed out by the restriction of all of the new household rules. They had no social life or liberty. This brought me to become fearful of what was coming ahead for me.
The unfolding of my years of pre-pubescent development were laced with anger, confusion, fear, and seemingly invisible pain. I was living with a mom who seemed to not care at all what I needed or wanted. A man, who for all intents and purposes, had blown up our home with his own unresolved conflicts of life.
Memories of convertibles are still wonderful and I find my heart skip a beat when I see a particularly beautiful classic with its top down. 1965 Lincoln Continental’s are really special. And I can really get excited when I see a wonderful mid sixties Ford Thunderbird with a top that slides into the trunk like butter.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Life brings with it joy and pain. The fulfilled dream of having the convertible in our family was a wonderful time to enjoy. Pain symbolized from the same special car became the nightmare that wouldn’t go away. Life continued on with my step-dad. The conflicts never stopped. The fighting between him and my mom did not end until his death over 30 years later. I have learned that all of these memories are what make up who I am today. Nothing is wasted in God’s economy.
When I look at the totality of my life experience, cars seem to span the years with fun times, wonderful excitement at their beauty, and hope that one day, in the twilight years of my life, maybe I’ll have a beautiful convertible that I can drive around to my heart’s content. If not, surely God has the very best waiting for me to drive on the “Streets of Gold”!
This is a series of reflections on my own life that I hope will encourage you to think about yours. Many of us have things in our lives or activities that are energizing for us. Sports, hobbies, maybe places or memories that are really special to us that came from our connections to those around us as we grew up. Mine hangs on wonderful cars from my childhood that were connected to significant memories.
Through the Windshield of My Life
An Unspoken Hero
We were all in a white 1959 Buick LeSabre going about 85 miles per hour.
Can you imagine this car barreling down I-80 from Omaha to Lincoln Nebraska with a bunch of cub scouts and a radical den mother? I can remember it as well as yesterday. I was only about 8 years old.
A two door “hardtop” with large fins, slanted quad headlamps and all the style anyone could ask for. 1959 General Motors cars are probably my favorite of all time. I have several scale models from this year. You don’t see many of them on the road today. If I could only get into the drivers seat of one of these it would be awesome!
In 1959 Buick Motor Company built the most radical and wildest Buick yet. With fins that swept from the front to the rear, and a grill made of rectangular squares, the 59′ Buick was created with all new design!
The LeSabre included bright trim strips that ran the length of the body. Standard LeSabre equipment included dual horns, electric wipers, glove box light, horizontal Red Line speedometer and a trip mileage indicator.
Much like the radical impact of the star ship design the Buick had on the American scene, we can impact one another’s lives in some wonderful ways. Read on and and see if someone comes to your mind that influenced you with acceptance, affirmation or just feeling loved through them. Let the good times roll!
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Heb 10:24-25
It is my desire to be more proactive in loving people in word and in deed. I believe so strongly that people are more responsive to personal improvement when they are encouraged for the things they do that are right and good. So, “spurring one another on” in this context is through building relationships that include encouragement, affirmation, and messages of love towards one another.
An example from my own life
My life has had many ups and downs. I have spent a lot of time processing through my personal history and have often spoke of the pain I’ve experienced. But, I would like to give honor to my past positive experiences here through a person who influenced me. An unspoken hero of my past that made a huge difference to me personally.
There I was, in the highlight of my grade school years. It was just a year or so before my family imploded from divorce. There was a storm brewing in my family that I didn’t know about. The season before the storm later became a bright spot in my history. Maybe this is why I remember this time in my life so well. It was good.
We had just moved into a brand new subdivision in Omaha Nebraska. It was called Westridge. The road in front of our house wasn’t even paved yet. We were one of the first completed homes built by the Thornton Construction Company. Bill Thornton, as my mom called him, was creating a new living environment for the bright and hopeful late fifties. The designer colors for kitchen appliances were pink, turquoise blue, or yellow but we were coming from our previous home and the ones we brought with us were white.
We had one black and white television with rabbit ears on the top. It was the same TV that my sisters and I watched the Beatles television debut on the Ed Sullivan show! A vivid neighborhood memory of mine that recurred often was of the ladies in the fresh new neighborhood. Just like he movies, they were walking down the sidewalk with coffee cups in hand visiting other ladies to get to know each other. Ah, yes, this was the fifties! A seemingly lost decade that only some of us baby-boomers remember.
The Speedy Driver
So, back to that wonderful 1959 Buick, the speedy driver was Dot Wheeler. Dot was a unique character. She was the mother of two boys and a girl. Their family lived four houses from us on our main street in Westridge and I played with the two boys almost daily.
Bobby and Larry, were great friends for me throughout my grade school years. If I had a quarter for every time I told my parents I was going down to “Bobby and Larry’s to play” I might be richer today. We rode our bikes, walked long distances together and dug holes to China in the weeded area behind our houses. We had many sleep over’s through the years. They were my pals, my buddies. Their mother also had a significant impact on my life.
Dot was my Cub Scout den mother. We made Paper Mache’ space alien heads out of huge balloons. We also built an six foot tall dinosaur in her basement for the Cub Scout parade. She knew how to do everything. We built it out of a wood frame, chicken wire and Paper Mache’ . We had actual dried ice for smoke coming out of its nostrils. There wasn’t anything Dot wouldn’t do for us or with us. We camped out in her huge back yard many times. I remember being there one afternoon making a Bunsen Burner out of a “juice can” and a “tuna can” and cooking my own hamburger on it. Um, I can almost smell it right now. I got a badge for my accomplishment that was a great reward. Dot supervised the entire process while allowing me to make the project by myself.
As we thoroughly enjoyed all of the neighborhood activities we also drove to some of them. Dot would pack a bunch of us in her ‘59 LeSabre and out we’d go onto the interstate. She always drove fast and we loved it. Just a few miles down the road was the Western Lanes bowling alley. I loved Saturday cub scout bowling league events. I always took a dollar along so that I could buy one of the best soda fountain hamburgers in the world! I wasn’t so hot at bowling, but the day was always great fun. We had turquoise bowling shirts with two white stripes down the front. We were a team! Dot was right there with us rooting us on.
Once a year Dot would take us all to her home town of Lincoln Nebraska. It was about 50 miles down the highway from our home. We were always so excited to go. It felt like a fancy vacation!
Lincoln had everything an 8 year old boy would want, caves, a planetarium, natural history museum, and every boy’s favorite, dinosaur bones all over the place.
Robbers Cave was great fun too. A small cave just the right size for a group of boys to explore. It was sandstone so we could carve our names in the walls easily. As we’d look into the ceiling cracks and crevices we’d often see bats too! We also enjoyed touring the Nebraska State Capitol. The huge towering domed building was always significant to walk through. An hour’s drive to and from Lincoln made it a long day of fun and memories for us all. With Dot’s enthusiasm we enjoyed it even more.
Without the ability to digitally reproduce one of the most memorable things about Dot, all I can do is try to create it here. It was a signature whistle;
She’d open the back door of her house and out it would come! Every day we’d hear Dot calling her kids home. Her whistle could be heard from all around the block. We all stopped playing and went home when she blew the announcement that it was “dinner time”.
This last year I had the awesome opportunity to reconnect with one of Dot’s sons, Larry. He was a little older than I was and I lost track of him when I moved out of the neighborhood when I was 15 years old. Doing the math, I hadn’t seen or talked to Larry for over 40 years. Thanks to FaceBook, we found each other and have become reacquainted over the last few months.
Larry became a Christian around the time we last spoke. He went on to become a pastor for a life vocation, had a family and moved around some. We talked about his mom. Regrettably, she passed away a few years ago. She died from heart disease, but she was with her family who loved her so much.
Who has influenced you in your lifetime?
Do you have someone that encouraged you to grow or brought some excitement to your life as a child? Is there someone that made a difference that you won’t forget? What makes you think of them? Is it something like a 1959 Buick LeSabre or a special baseball team. Maybe it is something you might see in a second hand shop that you say, “Oh, I remember those”? One lady I knew once said that she gets excited when she sees the Giants play because it reminds her of sitting on her father’s lap while he watched them throughout her childhood.
I have had many challenges in my life that are painful to remember, but I don’t want to forget Dot. My eyes and yes, my heart turns to these old cars to keep my memories alive of those things in my life that were good! Fun times with people who loved me and others with great sacrifice are important.
I never saw Dot again, but when I reconnected with Larry I mentioned going 85 miles an hour down the interstate in that white Buick. He had remembered the fast driving, but not the Buick. I never forgot the memory and therefore, the Buick comes attached. I will not forget how his mom took me into her life of fun, encouragement and great times.
Maybe the person who made a difference in your life would like to know. Tell them how they impacted you. It just may make their day!
I am beginning a series of reflections on my own life that I hope will encourage you to think about yours. Many of us have things in our lives or activities that are energizing for us. Sports, hobbies, maybe places or memories that are really special to us that came from our connections to those around us as we grew up. When affirmation comes to us or special times involve people we have felt connected to, we often want to recreate those times by going back to them over and over. I believe that men often like sports so much is because of the coach, or the dad who encouraged them or spent special time with them surrounding baseball or football. Women may like to cook because of their moms mentoring them in making their first cake, or sewing because their grandmother helped them make an apron that she wore when she moved around the house.
Something that really makes my heart jump is a beautiful car. I have loved cars all of my life. Mostly, the ones that really make my heart sing are those from the late fifties and early sixties. It is no wonder that those are important. On warm summer nights my dad and I would sit on our large front porch and play a game of “guess the car” as they would drive by. We would talk about which ones we liked the most and try to name the maker or model as we saw them. In the fall we would go to car dealerships and sit in the new models one by one.
One particular time I remember was when the 1963 Corvette Stingray came out. I’ll never forget the strange “ball” door knobs that you would pull to release the latch on the inside of the door. I remember the famous “split rear window” that was only on that one model year. In the winter we went to our local Civic Center to see all of the custom designed cars and fancy painted beauties.
So, today, the magazine I subscribe to is Hemmings Motor News, “Classic Car”. I can’t wait for the next issue and can’t seem to throw any away. As I page through them I see my life before my eyes. One car reminds me of Boy Scouts, the other of my Aunt and Uncle. A special edition of Cadillacs allowed me to stroll through my fondest family memories of living with my Aunt and Uncle and the summer vacations I had with them. Fond, positive, memories bloom like the whisps of clouds above when I stroll through old car shows. “59 Cadillacs are my favorite but then a wonderful 1966 Thunderbird convertible will cause my heart to go “pit-a-pat”. I am not really connected to sports but I am sure for some men a Giants game is not to be missed. Hum, I wonder why?
As I write future issues, if you don’t like cars, just think of what makes your heart sing. Ponder why you like what you do or why you spend so much time on a hobby. Picture in your mind a special place where you long to return to some day so that you can relive a part of your life that brings you to a warm pleasant memory.
I am going to begin with a story about my dad. This lays a foundation for my life that is very significant to me. I am who I am because of who my dad was. His faith, his unconditional love, his kindness and stability all laid a foundation that I live out of every day.
The first car I remember as a child was a red 1953 Oldsmobile. It had a two tone paint job that included a bright shiny black top. It was bulbous in design and was a tank.
What symbolizes some of the first wonderful memories of your life? Was it the Yankees? Was it a Singer sewing machine? How about a flower or a lake cabin? Maybe a fishing boat? Or the smell of a freshly baked loaf of bread. Whatever it was, I hope you will remember, ponder, reflect, and turn to our Lord, Jesus Christ with thanksgiving for those things that are positive. Life can surely be challenging but even in the deepest pain lies a good God who can paint a wonderful picture out of our difficult world.
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God
Psalm 42:3-5
A Tribute To My Dad
For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:6-8
In 1948 Norman Smid married Vera. they were married for 16 years most of which were tumultuous and broken. They had three children, two girls and then I came along as the youngest and only boy. In 1965 my mother divorced my dad and his life was broken into a million pieces. His greatest grief was that he would no longer be with his kids on a daily basis and that somehow he felt that he had failed God and the church from being involved in a divorce.
For twenty five years my dad lived as a single man. He struggled with loneliness and at times experienced some very low times emotionally. He was extremely committed to his convictions that a man should only be married once and if divorced, he should live as a celibate man and not pursue anything that would tempt to lust or inn inappropriate behavior with a woman.
As I grew up my dad often referred his life before he was in the Army Air Core. He had a green army trunk that held objects that meant a lot to him and reminded him of his life. Amongst the things he had pictures of people that he knew. There was a couple of pictures he talked about with fondness that were of a lady we always knew as “Monica”. Monica and my dad were engaged to be marred before he went off to the war. Upon his return they broke up and my dad moved on to marry my mom.
Working as a letter carrier he had many great friends that were a working family for him. He showed his character through how his friends loved him and were committed to him through the trials of life. Due to some bone spurs on his feet he found he could no longer work so he retired in 1974 at the age of 52. This left him with a lot of empty time on his hands which was a challenge for those who loved him. He went through some depression and a heavy dependence on others which caused some pressure on his family. It was a time in our lives when we were heavily tied up with little babies and just couldn’t seem to meet his relationship loneliness. He started to volunteer with a local agency that helped mentally challenged kids. He became a swimming coach to them and they all loved him dearly. It seemed to me that this is when my dad’s life began to improve. The unconditional love he received from those kids began to break through his depression and he started to see life with a different view.
In 1987 my dad called me with some interesting news. He said he had found out that Monica was a widow and he wanted to talk with her. So, he proceeded to drive half way across the country to see her again after all of the years of their lives passing by since their last conversation. Needless to say, a flame was ignited again in their lives and shortly thereafter they got married! They lived in Las Vegas Nevada and were both extremely happy with their reunion and in their marriage. 50 years had transpired and I was 33 years old and finally I knew my dad as a happily married man and a husband who loved his wife dearly. It was pure joy to see his life come to a fulfillment of his dreams from when he was 19 years old.
This story would be like something you would see on Oprah. Their love was rich, they shared a common faith and served each other sacrificially through their married years. Monica survived cancer, heart surgery and double knee replacement as well as the challenges of her own adult children. During this time my dad had illnesses of his own so their life wasn’t pain free but they supported each other, loved each other, and were deeply fulfilled.
So, after just 8 years of marriage, my dad passed away in 1997. I sure wished he could have had more time with Monica but through those years they were so happy together. As we began to talk about the memorial plans I felt strongly led to ask to give a eulogy for the two services that were going to be held. One in the church he was attending in Las Vegas, the other in his home church in Omaha Nebraska. I asked each officiating Priest if that would be permissible and both of them said yes. So, as I thought about my dad’s life I could think of no better way to tell others who he was than to talk about the way he faced his own life with grace and how he related to others along the way. One of the greatest strengths my dad had was the way he could love each person as though they were the only one. He loved my sisters and I so uniquely that we often would tease each other with, “I’m dads favorite”. We truly felt that way.
During our family memorial service several of my female cousins came up to me and showed me a pin that my dad had given them. Each one a little different but they proudly wore them and they walked in to the service several of them whispered to me, “your dad gave this to me” as though someone else didn’t get one like they had. I found that indicative of who he was and the way he treated people.
I wrote some notes for my eulogy which I still carry in my Bible today. When I got home from the last memorial service I compiled my notes and I sat down and wrote an article to show others who my dad was. I wanted more people to know him and I didn’t want to forget that day or what I had shared about his life.
Through My Dad’s Eyes
“Dad, I’m gay and I’m going to divorce my wife.” All I remember from that evening’s discussion were tears, love, and a father that was trying to share wisdom from his own life experience. “John, don’t do this. Leaving your family will not help anything. I don’t want to see you do this to yourself or to your family.” My dad didn’t scold me or get angry. But I was too stubborn. I was stuck and rebellious. At that point in my life, I wasn’t listening to anyone.
My dad had a life of many sorrows and disappointments. There were times when I saw such depression I wasn’t sure he was going to make it through. But one thing was consistent: his active faith never wavered. As long as I knew him, he never left God’s side . . . no matter how tough things got. One of his many sorrows came as he was faced with my homosexual struggles. I had been married for six years and had two beautiful daughters that I loved very much, but my heart was so confused. When I got married in 1973, I swore that I would never get a divorce. I had been hurt so much by the divorce of my own parents that I didn’t want to ever see my children go through that experience. Yet through pornography and feeding on my deep curiosity about men I developed a homosexual fantasy life. The final step came through a homosexual friend who seduced me into acts of adultery and I willingly followed.
Ignoring my father’s counsel, I left my wife and family and embraced a life of promiscuity, frequenting bars and overall irresponsibility. But through this period of my life, no matter what, there was always a connection with my dad. We didn’t separate from each other. Yet the nature of my sin and the difference in our lifestyles created an invisible barrier between us. I thought by simply introducing my dad to my partners and friends that he would grow to understand and embrace my lifestyle. My dad’s responses continually revealed his relationship with the Lord to me as he exhibited the spirit of Christ. One night I stopped by my dad’s house, testing the waters of acceptance. “Dad, I would like you to meet Jim. He is a good friend of mine.” My dad responded with grace, extending his hand to Jim. He would engage in conversation with my friends, and never pulled away from them.
I invited my dad to my house to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. I still have pictures of my homosexual partner, at the time, cutting the cake amidst a roomful of friends. My dad was right there, supporting my daughter and relating to the others with grace. He never faltered in his convictions or in his relationship with Christ. He was uncomfortable with my lifestyle and disagreed with my choices, yet he was willing to be uncomfortable in order to actively love me.
My friends were aware of my dad’s respect for them. They respected him and trusted him because he treated them as human beings loved by God. Through the witness of a friend, I eventually accepted Christ as my Savior. As I found the courage to leave my destructive promiscuous life, my dad was still there rooting for me. But my new life in Christ was not yet clear to him. As a result, when I decided to move to full time ministry work he was very uncomfortable with the idea. “John, I ’m not sure about this. You’ve always had a hard time sticking with something. You might change your mind, and be worse off than you are now.” I stood on my convictions. “Dad,” I said, “that is how I used to be. But Christ is changing me. He’s giving me the strength to be committed to His will.” About a month later my dad came to me with these words, “John, I believe this is a good decision and I want you to know I am with you all the way.” With my father’s blessing on my work and calling, nothing could stop me!
I found I was invited to share my story in very public ways. In June of 1997 I was scheduled to be on Larry King Live. My dad once more showed me the spirit of Christ. The day before the program was to air he called me. “John, I told all my friends this morning at breakfast to watch the show. I told them my son was going to be on TV.” My dad was not ashamed or embarrassed about my life, past or present. He carried no guilt or shame from my choices. He was proud of me and supportive of me sharing my life story. He continued over the years to tell others about me and the new life I had found.
In one newspaper interview regarding my recovery, I stated that during part of my childhood my dad had been emotionally absent. I later asked if it had hurt him to read what I had said. “Sure it hurt,” he responded. “But it was true. During that time in my life, I was under so much stress that I was unavailable for anyone.” His response put healing salve on my wounds. I saw more clearly into my dad and the way our father–son relationship had developed.
Over the last couple years of his life, my dad’s health began to fail due to a lung disease. He hated being attached to an oxygen hose, and became frustrated when he couldn’t go places like he used to. But each time I would call, or he would call me, he would repeat the same message. “Everything with me is just great, I love you, keep up the good work.” During the last two months of his life he was in the hospital hooked to breathing machines and IVs. When we went to see him, he would usually smile and wink. It wasn’t until his last week alive that he became more frustrated with the medical input. He knew he was going to die and was ready to go.
March 21, 1997, my father passed away. He was seventy-five years old. We had spent thirteen years building a deep, rich relationship. His godly faith and humility played an important part in my growth towards more maturity. Norman John Smid has left this world for a better place. I still miss him greatly, and would love to hear him say once more that he loves me and I am doing a good job. But I have no regrets about our relationship. During his last bout of illness, he had no dying words or last minute rushed message to tell me or anyone else. He had already shown us and told us many times. Likewise, I don’t feel I left out anything. I had shown him my love and respect, and he had let me know that I had also blessed him in his life and faith.
And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.” Luke 1:17
I received a model from my dad that I share with others as they suffer through the difficulty of having a challenging loved one.
• Tell your kids you love then and actively show them.
• Be willing to be with them even when it may be uncomfortable for you.
• Respect all people no matter how you feel about their behavior.
When they take positive steps of growth, bless their steps and show them that you see the changes they are making, even when they don’t have a proven track record.
• Model humility and trust in the ever faithful Jesus Christ.
I am not sure I will ever be able to measure up to my dad’s reputation or his love, but I know he supported me and believed in me. I’ll never measure up to God’s standards either, but I know I am His and He loves me and believes in me.
“You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”
Thank goodness at the dusk of nightfall we can put the day to rest. Tomorrow is a new beginning. Thank you Lord for a fresh start.
Nighttime can be a time of great evaluation, it can be painful. It can also be a truth experience that leaves us unresolved. Each day has it’s own pain, joy, and journey. I have often said that when my head hits the pillow at night is when the greatest honesty comes out. I might think I am hiding my head in the pillow but really, when I am in the pillow is when I am most alone with myself that my life.
Today I am pondering some unforgiveness in my heart. I have heard “love your enemies” in Scripture all of my Christian life and maybe even before. I have often thought about the call on the Christian’s life to heed this concept. But I never really understood many of the implications that God brings with His challenge for us to love one another, yes even our enemies.
I recently experienced a situation where this passage was illuminated brighter than I could have imagined. It was one of those “aha” moments that blew my mind away.
In 2005 I encountered a group of people that upset my entire world. They interrupted the foundation of my life. Their actions brought about huge consequences that were very difficult to overcome. To some degree there was a lasting impact that is not even completely resolved today. This group was led by a man whom at the time I referred to as my “Enemy”. From what I went through it appeared he was seemingly trying to destroy my very soul.
A few months after the main thrust of this attack my enemy requested a meeting with me. I very reluctantly agreed to the meeting figuring this may get him off of my back. With a second person for support we met in my office for about an hour. I found the meeting to be quite surprising because I saw something in this man that I had not seen previously. I saw a human being who had a heart and a soul. He shared some very vulnerable things about his life which were surprising to me. I responded with an open heart towards him since he seemed to be so open and honest himself.
From this meeting something inside of me began so shift. Several months later he came back into my world through attending a ministry meeting I was leading. He was kind, and socially friendly. I found it easier to be around him this time.
Through his coming to another ministry meeting and a series of casual meetings with him it became clear that there was a connection being built between us that didn’t seem so negative. Feeling caught off guard, I was growing from my interaction with him. He was teaching me things that were interesting and valuable to me.
Now, over five years later, we are working on projects and enjoying the time we spend together. He and I were sitting in my office the other day and we were talking about the events in 2005. I described him using the term “enemy” and something blew through my brain like it came from heaven! The scripture above, “love your enemies” ran around my head. I looked at my friend in the middle of my amazing revelation and directly and said:
“I can’t imagine using the term “enemy” in describing you anymore. You are my friend”
He smiled and nodded in agreement. I think it might have been a little uncomfortable for him to hear that. This was his response to our meeting:
“Hey John. Had a good time yesterday. I am continually excited and feel more and more enriched as more of the evolution of our friendship becomes clear in the ways we’ve affected one another. So cool!”
After our meeting I pondered the concept of loving your enemies and found that God had led me through an amazing life lesson. I wondered if what God had in store for us is that if we can learn to love our enemies, we may find new friends who will teach us things growing lessons of life. I also thought about another scriptural principle that we are not fighting against flesh and blood, but against principalities in the heavens. When I looked back at that day so long ago, I started out thinking I was fighting against a man who was leading a group. I didn’t want to talk to him and wished he would just vacate my life. He was my enemy.
My convictions haven’t changed about the issues that brought us into a battle. I am not sure his have either. We haven’t lived with an agenda to try to change one another. We haven’t made a project of one another out of our time together. I have tried most of all to seek to know him and what he finds important about life.
Today, I really like this guy. He is gracious, kind, thoughtful and faithful. He is a servant, a giver, and loves people. He thinks deeply, he is intensely creative, loves his family and follows convictions that are significant to his life values. Ultimately, no matter what his qualities are, he is human and loved by God. It is my responsibility to battle with spiritual principalities in a heavenly way and to learn to love people, even if they appear to be enemies. I have a new name for the seeming enemy of my life years ago, it is Friend.
“This sounds great John, but I am still holding onto resentments and some remain as an enemy to me.”
I completely understand. I can’t let this article go without being honest about the process. Last night I had a dream that centered on unforgiveness that I am holding onto. I was fraught with turmoil as I held someone at bay with my hurt and disappointment. I wanted them to pay for what they had done to hurt me. My dream included a situation and people that I haven’t been able to love as yet. I still view them with hurt and self protection. I feel a need to be vindicated. At times I want to get them back for the way I have felt hurt by them. I see them as enemies. I certainly can’t feel the “love” between us.
There are some enemies that are more on the periphery of our lives. They may have just offended our standards, or crossed over a line with something that is important to us. They can be a little easier to transition from attack to respect. But what about those who have wounded our soul, invaded our hearts in such a way as to leave torn places. I believe these are hardest to learn to love.
And yet, God is big enough to love us through it and to love them in the midst of whatever may be going on in their lives. So, even in the most painful places, I can trust that God loves them even when I can’t. He forgives them when I am holding unforgiveness in my heart towards them.
What a wonderful thing to trust in a Savior who can love in ways I can’t, who can forgive when I can’t. I am so thankful for a Savior that loves me even in my bitter soul. He is at work in me in the deepest parts of my life. He is restoring my soul and I trust Him in that.
Psalm 23:2-4
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
I’m not trying to get my way in the world’s way. I’m trying to get your way, your Word’s way. I’m staying on your trail; I’m putting one foot In front of the other. I’m not giving up. (Message)
I don’t think there is a question more asked in our lives then “what am I supposed to do?” There are hundreds of books that attempt to answer the quest for God’s will in our lives. I also find there are many discussions and at times arguments on whether or not God has a perfect will for our lives or is the road wide for us to walk in peace with God. Living in the “right” way, walking on the right path is a pursuit that I have attempted to stay close to my whole Christian life. I want nothing more than to follow the will of God. The problem is that I am not sure there is “one” will of God for me or any of us for that matter. I really don’t think any of us has the definitive answer on that one. I can’t think of a topic more intimidating for me to write on than finding God’s will for anyone’s life.
In 2008 I made a decision after many months of prayer and counsel. It was a life altering decision to leave a ministry that I had invested my whole heart into for 22 years. I sensed there was a change coming and wrestled with God and with man to find out what I was supposed to do. I had become disenchanted with something that was at the core of my being for most of my adult life. But, what now?
There have been times in my life when I had the proverbial “sand in my shoes” that brought enough discomfort for me to change something. I tend to be a “loyalist” and really I don’t change easily. This method of moving me towards change was probably necessary and had worked many times in my life. In leaving the ministry there was no doubt that something needed to change. What had been the greatest blessing had become one of the most painful things I had experienced.
Once I walked out the door into a seemingly empty place I found myself telling the Lord, “Lord, whatever you want for me is fine. I do not want to contrive my future out of familiarity or personal desire. I want to turn this season over to you for whatever you want to do with me.” Then I added, “surprise me!” At that time I just worked on building a home office over my garage for a place to work. This would give me a place to search, to pray, to find out just what God had for me to do.
Ps. 37:23-24
Stalwart walks in step with God; his path blazed by God, he’s happy. If he stumbles, he’s not down for long; God has a grip on his hand. (Message)
I began trying new things. I wrestled with my flesh. I started, stopped and sorted through my heart with others. It was a very random place to be but it was certainly interesting. As I looked for my surprises he was faithful to bring them. Each week it seemed He threw in some new idea, a new concept, or added a new person to help me search. I began to describe it as packages under the Christmas tree. I didn’t know what was in them, but I knew they were going to be good. I unwrapped package after package to find He was leading me one step at a time. If I went the wrong direction or failed in some way it seemed even in that, He was leading me forward with the lessons learned or with His abundant grace to fill in the gaps.
Prov. 16:9
We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it. (Message)
One of the most interesting things I found from the Lord was a leading for me to get a job at local car dealership. I believed with all of my heart that I was being obedient, even though it was off the path I had desired, I was willing to go where He led me. I was there only two weeks but those were very significant weeks of learning about God, learning about others, and finding my heart to be alive and well. I also found some amazing opportunities to minister to others there. I wrote more on this story if you’d like to read it from my blog archive on our website.
Surprise after surprise, God led me along the way into some amazing things and some very interesting opportunities. Step by step He is still working and surprising.
Looking back on your own life can you see an order to things? Can you see how God has used your decisions, your experience, and yes, your mistakes; to reveal to you Himself? I’d bet you can see Him through it all if you look for Him in it.
Are you in a pickle? Have you changed paths lately? Do you feel as though you’ll never find His will for you? Maybe you are right in the middle of it and are trying to look elsewhere. Does it seem you are in a place that appears to not fit what you had thought to be God’s will? Are you crying out to Him for direction?
Prov. 20:24
The very steps we take come from God; otherwise how would we know where we’re going? (Message)
I remember times when I had absolutely no idea where God was leading me. My only option was to take a step. No matter whether it was a good one or not, it was as step. I had to trust in the goodness of God to work it out. He will bring others around you, resources to you, and if a detour is necessary that will come also.
Prov. 4:10-15
Dear friend, take my advice; it will add years to your life. I’m writing out clear directions to Wisdom Way, I’m drawing a map to Righteous Road. I don’t want you ending up in blind alleys, or wasting time making wrong turns. Hold tight to good advice; don’t relax your grip. Guard it well—your life is at stake! Don’t take Wicked Bypass; don’t so much as set foot on that road. Stay clear of it; give it a wide berth. Make a detour and be on your way. (Message)
As I grow older I think what I am finding is the truth in the many scriptures that speak to God’s leading in our life. I find that it is a life that is built, step by step. As I cross over strange places, familiar spaces, and the rivers of life there are stepping stones that are quite ordained by God to lead me. I am not as afraid of losing my way anymore because I trust Him more. I am not so afraid of a stumble here and there because I know that I will stumble. He doesn’t need to find me laying in a ditch somewhere because He never left my side and has exactly what I need at the moment. Though I may not understand it, I trust it is for my good.
Jer. 10:23
I know, God, that mere mortals can’t run their own lives, that men and women don’t have what it takes to take charge of life. So correct us, God, as you see best. (Message)
We had sensed there was a change coming for my wife Vileen but we didn’t know what it would be. In our hearts we had been in prayer for a long time seeking God’s direction for her personal vocation. Our marriage had always surrounded my heart’s desire for ministry but we hadn’t discovered what Vileen had wanted. She began to talk about serving others in helping them manage their homes. Vileen has a strong administrative gift in her personality and is very talented in bringing order to disorder. She also has a strong servant’s heart. As she prayed she talked about wanting to move towards a home organizing vocation.
We were far too fearful and needy to make the decision for Vileen to leave her job. It was a steady source of income for us and frankly, just easier to let things remain. But, low and behold, some sand crept into Vileen’s shoes. Hum, what was God up to and what are we to do?
As Vileen prayed I felt more and more uneasy about her prayers. I was fearful about losing even more income and taking that risk by our own initiative. God, in His redemptive love, once again moved us off of neutral. Vileen lost her job in April. She called me when I was at lunch with a good friend. I hung up and looked at my friend and said, “my wife just lost her job”. The blood rushed out of my body with fear and yet I also had some excitement somewhere in there. “Oh, boy, now what are we going to do?”
God amazingly showed up and Vileen has had the wonderful opportunity to start her home organizing business. Day by day, step by step doors began to open that gave us both a peace and a joy about beginning a new endeavor. A fresh start for Vileen was just what God had up His sleeve.
He truly has provided as we have engaged His leading. I have seen the little things each day that have built into the bigger picture. From a meeting to a referral, then to some advice and so on, minute by minute God was at work. He has provided answers to many prayers that were not prayed in faith, rather they were prayed in fear and desires out of the fears and yet, our loving Father heard her heart.
What is your heart crying out for? Do you have unfulfilled dreams? Does it seem you are in a dead end job or vocation? Or, are you experiencing the sand in your shoes? Well, maybe God is ready to move in your life too. Open up the doors of your heart to Him and see if He just might be getting you ready for your own fresh start. If you are praying that way, ready or not, He may move a mountain for you. He may just slip in a little surprise to let you know He is listening.
Ps. 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
As I spend time praying for reaching out to those near to me I ponder who that might be. Who is God leading me to this week, this month? The grounds seemed to have been dry with regards to our seeing new salvations in Christ! But, much to my amazement, God is at work in ways I am not conscious of!
June 9th I was sitting in a prayer meeting with our church fellowship. We were praying earnestly for God to move amongst us. We prayed for those He has placed in our lives and hearts. We prayed for divine appointments and prayed for people by name.
During our prayer time my cell phone vibrated and I looked at it. It was my grandson calling me from Louisiana. We have talked with him some since he left after school was out but this was the first time he initiated a call. I wondered what he may have wanted. Since we talked to him on his birthday on Monday I thought maybe he is feeling the freedom now to call “just because” and I looked forward to hearing what was on his mind.
So, on the way home I called him back. “Hey Devin, did you just want to chat?”
No, Grandpa, I have something very important to tell you. (this means, set aside all other distractions and pay attention!) During vacation Bible school today we went through the Roman’s (what was it, oh yea) and we both said Road. When I got to the top of the hill I stopped by myself and God spoke to me! I asked him what He said and Devin said, “God said “accept” so I did”. I asked him if he had ever heard God speak before and he said, “yes but it was mostly gibberish” but this time it was clear”.
He then began going through things in his bible saying he never understood them before and that he couldn’t pronounce many of those words and names. Then he said, “Grandpa, when I get home, you have to go to a church”. I said, we go to a church, it is just a home group church. He said, “no, grandpa, I mean a building church”. I further assured him that we would be certain to include him in our church where he could grow in his faith.
Our new Celebration Fellowship is a great place for Devin. We have six other kids involved and potentially two more coming who amazingly are between the ages of 8 and 12. (Devin is 10) Boys and girls. We’ve talked about how we are going to put special attention on the development of the kids lives in authentic Christianity and relationship with the adults in our faith. I am thrilled to see Devin become a part of this.
He was very excited about his new relationship with God and I am MORE than THRILLED that he was so excited he had to tell Vileen and I. He knew we would relate to his new faith. After we talked a little more about it all he said, “Grandpa, when did you accept God?”. He is really personalizing this special event in his life which gives me even more hope.
He also told me, “My dad cried when I told him, and it takes a lot to get him to cry!” His dad followed up by sharing about his own experience in accepting the Lord. Devin has many who love him and are praying for him, for which we are very glad.
So, as we prayed, God was already at work in a very special place in our lives. Our Grandson had experienced a very real, significant, God ordained, Holy Spirit led, salvation! Just as we had been praying.
God loves us, hears us, answers us, and moves quite of His own initiative. It is not by our works, but by the grace of a loving God, lest any of us can boast!
Dana loved God’s word to the point of frequent tears. He loved sharing his heart for Jesus with all who knew him. His music was all about reaching the heart of the 10 year old boy with the hope he would know Jesus for his lifetime.
Dana Key was part of the band “DeGarmo and Key” for over 25 years. In 1982, when I was first building a foundational relationship with Jesus the lady who was influential in guiding me to my own salvation gave me a tape of DeGarmo and Key. She said it was an example of the freedom in Christ to find new ways of worship through contemporary Christian music.
Are You Ready? 1985
Going forward to about the year 2000, standing in my office, was Dana Key. He was about to lead a chapel service for some of the men and women who were involved in Love In Action. I told Dana about my first Christian tape from DeGarmo and Key. He was humble in his response but I hope it was encouraging to him to hear how he not only influenced me, but thousands of others like me through the years.
Several years later I had become a part of the church where Dana was the pastor. I was in his office seeking the Lord with him for my personal future. He was very encouraging towards me in my life and spoke clearly of how he saw my gifts and the way they could be used.
Dana was one of my most significant friends and confidants during a very stressful time of ministry transition in 2008. I’ll never forget seeing him laying prostrate before the Lord praying on my behalf for wisdom and insight.
Under Dana’s leadership, The Love Of Christ Church gave me the opportunity to build the foundation of teaching material that later became the Journey of Thomas! It was largely through his encouragement and provision of opportunity that I have come to where I am today in ministry. He encouraged me to write the book I am working to get published from The Journey of Thomas material.
The last few years has been seriously challenging for Dana – in his health, trying to lead a struggling church, and keeping the gospel of Jesus Christ on the forefront of his life. Dana has now fought the good fight of faith and is celebrating his eternity with Jesus. He is among the Great Cloud of Witnesses that will welcome me into heaven when I get there.
Thank you Dana Key for making a difference in my life. I will not forget you.
For many years I have contemplated the times I have heard that some people have said they were harmed or wounded from their experience with Love In Action or Exodus International. More often than not my reactions have not been favorable. In my own mind I didn’t feel there was any merit to the accusations. After all, “I have given 22 years of my life sacrificially just to hear how we harmed you!”
Well I certainly know the sound of a defensive reaction when I hear one! I was it! I didn’t want to hear anything that was critical or negative. But, I believe in listening to the heart of others no matter how critical it may sound. I needed to check in on my own heart to see if there was any validation to their comments. Of course, there was.
Since I was in leadership with both organizations I have certainly have been at the center of many of the criticisms. The scripture challenges us to be careful with what we say and do as leaders because of the higher standard that is expected and deserved from those whom we care for.
In the last two years I have had a lot of time to ponder, pray, and sort through many facets of my vocational ministry history. Since I have had a lot of alone time my searching has been easier to handle.
I was recently contacted by David Roberts from the “Ex-gay Watch” and online blog for those following the ex-gay movement. David had seen a recent announcement of the new Grace Group that is being started by Grace Rivers and wanted me to write something. In our discussion we both felt it would be good for me to address some of the criticisms out there concerning my leadership in “ex-gay” ministry. I have taken the last week to write a letter and to that end, here it is.
It’s Time for Honesty!
From John J. Smid to the readers of Ex-gay Watch,
Just a little bit of history here. I became a Christian in 1982. My new faith created conflicts in my homosexual relationship and eventually we broke up. It was at that point and I decided to pursue my relationship with Jesus instead of looking for a new relationship right away.
When I had been celibate for several years I felt that I wanted be married to a woman. I had been married previously and in my heart wanted to give that a try again.
I met my wife Vileen in 1985 and we married in 1988. We have had a good, faithful marriage just as I had hoped. I told her about my homosexuality right after we had met. She has walked alongside me knowing that I have chosen her rather than to pursue a homosexual relationship. She is aware that my attractions haven’t changed in general towards men but that I love her deeply and make choices daily to remain faithful to our marriage and have not regretted that decision.
In 1986 I moved to San Rafael California to work as a volunteer for Love In Action. I am passionate about people and spent 22 years with Love In Action. Since Exodus International was in our same office most of those years I also became involved with them right away.
By 1995 I had been involved in Love In Action and Exodus for nine years and was asked to give a talk in a general session at the Exodus national conference. God had brought me to a point where I was willing to admit to myself that I still had homosexual attractions. As a result of my own internal process of disclosure I decided to give my talk on the topic of honesty. I spoke of my current homosexual attractions and challenged the audience to be honest with themselves. I have always been as intentional as I could to share freely about those things whenever I speak or meet with someone who can relate to homosexuality.
The Famous Protest
On June 6th of 2005, when the protestors showed up on the sidewalks in front of Love In Action to speak against the Refuge Program, my world was rocked. But within just a couple of days my heart was humbled by the gracious words coming from those who were outside such as “God Loves You”. The truth spoken from them caused me to think and began to soften my heart.
A lot has changed since then. God does love me and He loved me enough to continue to shave off some things in my life that have been wrong, offensive, calloused and judgmental. Through the humility of Morgan Fox, one of the leaders of the protest, I was humbled once again. His pursuit of a relationship with me, though I did not deserve it, has been another tool that God has used to break through parts of my heart that needed to be touched.
Morgan asked me to interview for a documentary he is producing about the protests. I resisted for a long time. After many meetings with Morgan I began to see his godly character and agreed to an interview because I trusted him. During our camera time the discussions involved things from the past that have been said about Love In Action or about me as the former leader. I had spent many hours and in some cases years, pondering these things and wondered how I could make amends for the things that had hurt or wounded others during my 22 years of leadership with Love In Action. Certainly there were many.
Please Forgive Me
In 1994 an article was written that said that I told a young man it would be better for him to commit suicide than for him to go into the gay lifestyle. I have been haunted by that article all through the years. I have felt defensive, reactionary and frustrated every time I have read it not knowing how I could in any way, clear it away. Maybe this will help.
I want to publically say to the young man, “I am very sorry for the conversation that I had with you that fateful day. I loved you very much as a brother and feel deeply grieved for the way that my words hurt you.” If I could, I would erase the conversation and start all over with ” I love you, and as you move on I will pray for God’s very best for you in your life. No matter what you do, Jesus deeply loves you.” “Please forgive me.”
Some people have spoken out about being wounded through their experience with Love In Action. ” I want to say I am very sorry for the things that have wounded you or hurt you by my hands of leadership at Love In Action or anything I have done personally that has harmed you.” “Please forgive me.”
Exodus International
I was a member of the board of directors of Exodus International for eleven years. I spoke on many occasions in general sessions and in workshops at the national conferences for most of the 22 years I was involved in Love In Action and Exodus. Thousands of men and women came to Exodus ministries and conferences looking for a hand, seeking hope, or for someone to hear their heart and understand.
I am a very verbal person and can speak at times without thoroughly thinking through what I might say before it comes out of my mouth. Without question I know I have said things that may have hurt someone or caused confusion or discouragement. Please forgive me for the things I have said that were not helpful or were further damaging of your tender heart.
As a board member of Exodus International I felt a strong sense of stewardship for the lives we hoped we would impact with the love of Jesus. I have learned a lot more over the last couple of years about how unconditional His love really is. I believe I could have done a better job of letting people know that Jesus loves them purely because He does, unconditionally. I am sorry for not being a better vessel of the Love of Christ to those who deeply need to know of His love. I realize I was often more concerned with telling people how to live than I was with imparting God’s grace so that they would want to live!
Refuge Program
Now, regarding the most highly publicized” Refuge Program” for teens that was held through Love In Action. If I could go back and do anything differently based on what I know today – it would be the Refuge Program. I have a hard time admitting it but the protests did bring about a season for me to reevaluate my life, my heart, and the Refuge Program. God did an amazing work in me through the challenges that resulted from the people who came to the streets in front of our ministry, morning and night, for two weeks.
I really wanted to help the young men in our program but in some cases the design of our program caused more harm for some of these kids that it did good. I am very sorry for the ways that Refuge further wounded teens that were already in a very delicate place in life. I am grateful for the way that God lovingly called us to revamp the methods for dealing with families with teens so that more teens weren’t hurt.
I have been a Christian for almost 30 years. There are myriads of things that I do or that go through my mind that aren’t biblically appropriate. There are many things that God wants me to change in my own life so that I can be a better person, love Him more and love others better. I do not want a judgmental heart to separate me from people that I love dearly.
Leaving Love In Action
It has been almost two years since I left the ministry of Love In Action in May of 2008. I have had many days and hours alone to think and ponder the last 22 years. God has dug deep into my heart and caused me to see something very important that he wanted me to know. He loves me unconditionally. His grace is sufficient for me. I cannot do anything that He hasn’t forgiven, isn’t forgiving, and won’t forgive and it is up to Him to restore my soul, I can’t do that myself.
I am not the judge and jury of other people. I can’t see another person’s heart like He can. I cannot redeem anyone, only He can. I don’t know what someone might need today but he does.
If you have been wounded by me or harmed through the hands of my leadership; please come to me and allow an opportunity for me to personally apologize with the hope that we can both be released from the bondage of unforgiveness.
Grace Rivers
I am leading a new ministry called Grace Rivers. It’s primary focus isn’t to be an ex-gay ministry but within the context of offering grace and the Love of Jesus to our world we are starting grace groups for people impacted by homosexuality.
As a brand new start, Grace Rivers is an outpouring of the many of the changes in my own heart. I have based this work on nine core values starting with honesty, moving on to listening to others effectively, and in the end giving respect because God does. I have attempted to pursue these values in my own life to the best of my ability. God is still working on restoring me so I know He is doing the same with others. We are all on a road of life that is hopefully improving day by day. He says He will complete the work He has started so I trust Him fully with my life and with the lives of others who know Him.
Have you felt the way I have recently? Has church become a drag instead of a joy? Does it seem that going to church is just something you do because you have always done it?
Have you experienced painful church splits, arguments, division like I have? Are there questions you have been afraid to ask like: what am I supposed to do with all of this? What is the purpose of going to church? Do I have to agree with my pastor?
Just kidding!
Actually I am in church everytime the doors are open. Whenever the restaurant table gathers believers or each Saturday night when our fellowship comes together I am in church. When I skype my friend in Perth Australia for over an hour or gather each day in discipleship meetings with other brothers, I am in church. When I sit with friends in a worship service enjoying a teaching or a time of celebration, I am in church. When my close friend and I spend three hours grappling over passages of Scripture, we are in church. Wherever two or three have gathered, we are in church.
But, I found myself asking, “What is this all about?” “Why am I here?” “Where does all of this lead”? “Why are we getting together?” I began a new journey in life.
I have spent the last several years writing The Journey of Thomas and I hope it will be published soon. I was reading through the introductory section of the book and wanted to share this heartfelt, God inspired journey of my own with you all.
It is my hope that each person who reads this book will be more motivated and more equipped to share with others the hope they have experienced through their relationship with Jesus Christ. If you are reading this and don’t seem to feel that hope today, it is my prayer that through reading this book, God will show you His awesome love that never leaves us or forsakes us. At the end of this book, you will find my own story of hope that began in my life many years ago.
It is my personal belief that one of the most effective models of sharing the Love of Christ with others is through authentic relationships. This kind of love comes out naturally as we hear one another’s hearts and value one another’s created purpose for life.
How I Started on the Journey
The Dream
In 2005, God began to work in my heart in a new way. He gave me a vision of a church building. This church was a square block style building with a foyer outside of its double entrance doors that was simple and more of a breezeway than a formal foyer.
As the doors opened up I saw people inside that were very busy. They were sitting in a variety of places. There were pews in the room but they were not connected to the floor and scattered about. They weren’t randomly scattered however. They were specifically placed for unique purposes.
There were people praying alone; bowing, walking, sitting. There were small groups of people praying together. There were people laughing in joyous fellowship. It was clear that the image I saw was that the pews were flexible and this room was designed for multipurpose use.
On the walls were stunning abstract sculptures. They were made of hand blown glass in ultra luminescent colors and so beautiful to look at. There was a cross hanging on the front wall that was made of the same hand blown glass. The blues, greens, oranges, reds, and whites were incredible and glistening with swirling brightness.
A man stood up front on a short stool. He was chanting out loud as if he were practicing for something. He had a black cleric’s robe on and there was a tailor that was hemming his sleeves while he stood there.
When I prayed about this vision, the Lord seemed to give me its meaning. He said that he wanted the pews loosened so that we would be free from a habitual existence within our gatherings. He wanted us to be free in our worship, our prayer, and our fellowship with each other. He made it clear that these people in their various activities were a pleasure to Him.
He said that the sculptures hanging on the walls of this room were works of art that exemplified the gifts He had given His people. These were callings, gifts, natural talents, spiritual gifts that were so special to Him that He wanted them displayed. It was to Him like a parent hanging a picture their children painted on the front of the refrigerator for everyone to see. He made mention that too many of His children had their gifts hidden away and that we were not celebrating each other the way He would like us to.
The Cross was the gift of His son to all of us and that it was similar to the others in that all of the gifts were given from the Father to be displayed, that was His gift to us.
Now to the chanting robe bearing man, God said he was representative of the history of the Body of Christ. There are traditions that we had lost as a Body and needed to try them on again and to be refit for them. He wanted us to reconnect to some of the traditions that represent our history and our family. He didn’t want us to forget them. This represented the stories, the lives and the accomplishments of others that brought us to where we are today.
My Response
After pondering that vision for many years now, I am more excited about being a Christian than I have been for some time. I finally felt that God was freeing me to be myself, to experience Him uniquely. I breathed a sigh joy thinking that my Father in heaven was really excited about my gifts and others as well. I have wondered if the dream was more for me than anything! God wants me to be free from the shackles of my own fears.
I spent many years of my Christian life sitting in pews and church buildings. I was relieved to think that there were many ways for us to celebrate our God with each other and it didn’t all have to be in straight rows facing the front or in buildings organized to facilitate church programs.
But something even more profound happened in my heart. For the first time in many years God inspired me to a renewed desire to reach the lost, the brokenhearted for Him.
I began to pray seeking Him for a plan. What did He want me to do with what He had shown me? So, for four years I prayed. I sorted through my varied responses some not so pretty to talk about. I began to wrestle with my vocational life. I had been in the same ministry for over 20 years and felt called to it. It was tremendously satisfying for most of those years but something started to change.
I’ve read through some books on “missional” churches, “organic” churches “house churches” and found some great inspiration through them but there seemed to be something still missing. Some of these books were tremendous and liberating in my heart but at times they left me feeling frustrated and critical. I had to continue working through that too. It seemed they were just another kind of church program that didn’t look that much different from where I had been.
God began to rock my world through adversity and relational challenges. I began to experience shifting in every area of my life. I had no idea how tough things were going to get for me and thankful that the Lord took me through it all gradually.
The Splitting Church
I was a part of a great organized church that went through a horrible and wounding internal breakdown where two thirds of the congregation left along with the majority of the staff including the Senior Pastor. Then I began to visit other churches sporadically almost feeling relieved that I didn’t attend an organized church every Sunday morning. I remember one Sunday sitting on my cool breezy front porch wondering if this pleased the Lord for me to just be quiet before him instead of going out to a church that day. I thought this surely was liberation from being bound to some church habits that had brought so much pain anyway.
I settled into a small Bible study group of about 16 people that were fast becoming really close friends. I started to ask the question about whether this would replace the larger organized church for me and others. Most of the time this weekly Saturday night gathering meant more to me than a majority of formal organized church services I had been to in the recent years. We met together every week, ate a meal and studied the Bible together, supported and encouraged each other with prayer and counsel. We surrounded each other at weddings, funerals, and hospitals. We ate meals together sometimes; I had spontaneous lunches with the men. I affectionately called it my church of 16 members and 12 regular attenders. What is the church anyway? I began to ask questions that I never felt the liberty to ask. I found it challenging to answer the question so often asked, “Where do you go to church”. I would squeamishly say, “Oh, my main fellowship is with our small group that meets on Saturday nights.”
As I looked around my city I found that our organized church wasn’t the only one going through splitting and internal breakdowns. God reminded me of a huge storm that occurred in Memphis where within twenty minutes trees had fallen all around town, telephone poles laying in the streets and electricity out for weeks for some. The word I received from our locals was that the majority of the trees that fell were rotten inside but we just didn’t see it. I began to ponder what had happened.
God spoke to me in response to this event. “I had to clean the garden from the rottenness that was inside the trees. I am sorry it was inconvenient for you all but it had to be done”.
I saw how this event was similar to what I saw was happening within our local organized churches. It became apparent that through the adversity of internal battles for control, God was cleaning my heart, challenging me to new growth and direction. He was also challenging others in the same say. Yes, it is inconvenient, but it has to be done. I also had to get honest about the fact that I had not really experienced true relationship with the majority of those I knew. I had however, experienced the habit of going to church and smiling with a hole in my heart longing for connection that was meaningful.
But there was still something aching in me. I found another organized church that seemed to have something special and I knew some friends who had been going there and said they enjoyed it. So, I happened to meet a couple at a home cookout who went there and they invited us to attend so we went the next day.
I resigned myself that maybe this might become what we needed and would enjoy. The new fellowship of Christians very quickly embraced us. I was invited to speak and share my gifts with the body there. The pastor was very supportive of me personally and spoke into my life with great encouragement. So we joined this church with the hope in our hearts that we would find a special ministry there and fellowship that was fulfilling.
I was invited to share a teaching series with a small group there. I called it “The Tributaries of Grace”. I started out the series inviting the participants to focus this series on a person or people that they wanted to reach with the grace of God. This could have been a friend, a family member or someone they were having a difficult time with.
Something new came alive in my heart. I realized that through the years of ministry experience I mostly responded to healing and recovery for those who came to us. This had changed to looking outwardly into the lives of those who haven’t begun their own journey yet or were stuck along the road. So, there was a glimpse of a major change in my heart at that point.
During this season another very deeply invested part of my life became a huge challenge. The internal workings of the ministry I had led for over 20 years became broken, confusing and wounding. I tried every way I knew how to correct the wrongs. I prayed, sought intercession and counsel but things continued to worsen. The conflicts and distractions increased and I felt trapped in a place I had celebrated for so many years. I hated leaving my home every day to go to a place that was such a personal and corporate challenge for everyone. What was God doing? How could it be like this? It seemed no matter which way I turned I couldn’t find a solution.
I began to search God’s heart for some answers. This time I began to ask different questions than before. I pondered questions that would take me deeper than just asking what organized church to attend. God, what is Your church? Where is Your church? What does it mean to serve You? How do I fit into Your church? Who is Your church? God, where do you want me to be?
After a couple of years of tremendous heartache I left my position with that ministry in faith that God had something He was leading me to. One of the first answers He gave me was to free me from the ministry I led. It became very clear that God was allowing me to close the door on that season of my life and begin anew. I felt strongly that he wanted me to take all I had learned and experienced there and use it in a new way.
I began to adjust to being away from that ministry I finally let my guarded heart open to some extent within the church I had discovered. I began to feel released to step further into ministry there. But as I got further into the workings of this church there were rumblings of discontent and elder / pastor problems that seemed to have been developing over a period of months. One Sunday, we went through a painful confusing combustion from these problems within the organizational leadership. That day, there was a split and the elders and staff resigned leaving the pastor and about one half of the original congregation. I left on that overwhelming Sunday feeling lost and hurt realizing that many of my new friends were going different directions. It had happened again, now what. How many more times will we see this happen?
A New Beginning
Needless to say, I was swimming in discouragement and hopelessness. What will I do now? What is God doing? I surely didn’t want to attend any organized church the next week and decided to attach to our home group even more. I began to accept things as they were and received a peace from the Lord.
I became encouraged and freer than I had been in a long time. After a few months, I felt Him answer me in another very unique way. He said, “Watch for the Springs of Living Water to come up out of the streets and sidewalks of the city. Get prepared! This water is the Living Water as unto salvation. I am inspiring my people to come to me and I want my Body to be prepared to receive them but they will not be coming to the front doors of the organized church buildings, they will need you to go to them, to listen for their voices, to know them and care about them. Go out into the streets”.
Whoa! These many years of confusion and pain has brutally moved me to go outside the walls of the organized churches! Building by building God has seemingly jack hammered me loose from my own traditions, religious practice and patterns of habit! He changed my entire world.
I began to see His “church” was everywhere I met or gathered with followers of Jesus Christ. I saw that I was having church every day! My new church didn’t have membership other than to believe in Jesus Christ. I enjoyed lunches, spontaneous meetings in the market places of my life which became encouraging connections with the Body of Christ. I found that when I took my eyes off of the Sunday ritual I had allowed to become a habit and hallowed ground, I saw the Body of Christ everywhere I went.
I have seen a new thing develop in my life. I am, more than any time in my life, excited to see someone come to a relationship with Jesus Christ that is authentic, life changing and invigorating! I have felt my eyes perk up in a watchful manner to see if I can see what He sees. There are lost children out there, Lord? Where are they? Do you want me to go to them? Where will I find them?
I felt him saying, “You won’t find them inside the walls of the churches.” “Walk as Jesus did, in the highways and byways, in the world around you.” “You will find them there.”
Living Outside the Walls
Well, this past six months I have found myself in some really strange places. I have entered the world with weak knees, curiosity, and timidity. I am not prepared for this! I am uncomfortable in the world. It is too strange for me. I want to be comfortable, safe, and this isn’t a safe place.
I was reminded that we don’t live in a “G” rated world. This world is not my home! But, I am asked to enter it with my whole heart so as to be in it, but carefully so as not to become “of” it.
Wow, this is really exciting – and dangerous. I have been around people and involved in circumstances that were similar to my sin filled past but I had forgotten my old life long ago. I have heard language, seen behavior and gone places that many told me in the organized church I should not be around. I have lived in a white washed world sanitized in such a way that was to keep us safe from the world. What about the real grit of this world? What about getting our hands really dirty – for the Kingdom?
As I have gone through this journey of change, God has inspired me to write the Journey of Thomas. I have lived out the principles that laid the foundation for this series for many years in a very different setting. Now they seem to have become applicable in other settings that I am not sure I understood at the time. I certainly didn’t see this as I began to write the Journey.
Now that I have written the last session on Honor, I can say with excitement that it is my greatest hope that this will inspire the Body of Christ to turn their eyes outside the walls of the church to see what God is doing. It would be awesome if this material would prepare many for the harvest that God is preparing for His Church to receive.
I believe that one of the greatest tools of evangelism for our world today is our own story, our own life. We live in a world that hungers for connection. So many are living lives of aloneness, fear and shame that for some the only way they will come out of their prisons will be holding the hand of someone they trust though knowing they can relate.
The Journey of Thomas begins with honest self evaluation and along the way I hope the inspiring, grace filled, forgiving and restoring voice of the Living God will permeate our souls with desire for His children to come to know Him and to find maturity through authentic fellowship with other followers of Jesus.
Along the Journey, after God deepens our heart for Him, I hope we will have a Well of His Living Water to share with the thirsty souls around us that He reveals to us.
Are there going to be Springs of Living Water as unto salvation coming up from your streets and sidewalks? Are you prepared to receive them? Are your eyes fixed forwardly in rows facing the front of your church experiences? Or, are you beginning to feel the pews coming loose underneath your familiar places? Would you like your Father to celebrate your life on the walls of your fellowship? Do you want to connect to all the saints who have gone before you with wonderful stories of life and traditions?
Get ready for a rocky challenging ride. Be prepared for some things along the way that may confuse you; but God has a plan to move you closer to Him and closer to His heart’s desire for people to come to Him.
I found one of the answers to my question, “What does it mean to serve the Lord” was simple and straight forward. To serve Him is to serve His people with His message of new life, hope, and healing. He wants us to never tire of speaking of the hope that is within us. Will we walk the streets of our lives with our hands outstretched just like His were on the cross? Unafraid, unashamed, and ready to embrace, to hear, to value and honor, those we find in the fields.
Matt. 11: 28-29
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
The Journey of Thomas is designed to answer to Thomas’ question; I don’t know where you are going, Lord. Show me the way. I would venture to say; you may find this question answered for yourself.
So hopeless that taking his own life must have seemed like the only choice.
How does someone get to this place…we were heartbroken as we watched some 450 people came to say good-bye. They spoke of his life…A “Smile” that was contagious, a “Heart” that kept giving! The stories repeatedly testified of people, people whose lives were touched by this one man! One after another stood to bare witness of the man they knew…or thought they knew. He was a friend, a son, a father and a husband…
He seemingly, was a lover of life, people, family and the out of doors.
What went wrong?? How does one hide their despair from 450 people?
What could have been going through his mind?
There is nothing good about me…
If anyone were to find out…
No one would understand…
I am so ashamed…
I can’t ask…I just couldn’t take another rejection!
I must hide…
I feel hopeless…
These are thoughts many of us have had before…the lies that Satan plants in our minds. Our negative self – talk.
As I sat and observed this tragic occasion, I felt saddened at the people coming and going, watching their expression of bewilderment, grief, shock and silence! The truth was…People were crying out for a chance to listen, a chance to have a part in reversing the outcome. But that was impossible now. Questions were raised…why didn’t he call me? Why didn’t he trust me enough to confide? Feelings expressed… “I’m angry… I’m hurt…I’m so sad!” Honesty reigned, but yet many heads still hung in confusion and grief!
I’ve been looking at my relationships…Do I really listen? Do I see the body language?
Do I look beyond his/her words? Am I a confidant? Am I safe for him/her? Do the people I am closest to, feel safe with me. Do they trust me to be a confidant? Am I trustworthy?
There were many times when despair was also a part of my husband Roger’s life. He believed the lies as well. The lies that no one understood, that no one cared and that he couldn’t possibly be honest about his life, that he’d be rejected again.
I too, being in an unhappy marriage, didn’t want anyone to think badly of the man I loved. I didn’t think I had anyone I could tell that another man was paying attention to me. I believed I had no one I could trust with that information.
We both hid and continued in our pain alone. No one knew how messy our marriage was. So sitting through this service was very personal for us… both as a very difficult time to remember back to that life, but also as a time of awakening for us to not take our relationship or our healing for granted.
As I looked over and saw the tears streaming down Roger’s face, he reached over and squeezed my hand. I knew then that we were united in spirit, in our grief, our compassion for this family and in our gratefulness for what God has brought us through.
We may struggle at times with some of those same feelings, but we are confident in God’s love for us, our love for one another and the love of our families that has been tried and tested. When life’s circumstances seem difficult, we are not hopeless, because …
Psalms 37: 23 – 24: The steps of a man are established by the Lord; and when he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
There have been times, when I thought my life was out of control and this verse brought me peace. A counselor once shared with me that while driving along, he has reached over to hold the hand of his Heavenly Father. What a sweet reality! It’s a comfort to know that He is that close!
Lord Jesus, May your love penetrate us so deeply that others are moved by your presence, may they sense your love, and be drawn to You through us. Make us approachable, honest and open in our relationships, so that others feel safe. Help us remember that every relationship is divinely appointed by you. Make us aware of opportunity everyday to make a difference in someone else’s life. Forgive me for the times I have overlooked someone because of time, busyness, or my own selfish agenda.
Open the eyes of my heart Lord, to be sensitive to the needs of others and available when someone needs to be lead into your presence. Thank you for the privilege of placing the hand of a hurting person into yours…Amen
ght, “A ROCKET engine?” Wow. I remembered seeing one of the first rockets going up into space and to think of a car as having a rocket engine was even more exciting. She pointed out the button that would lower the top and down it went. Oh my gosh, this is so amazing. “Let’s go for a ride!”
ng loose. The separation of lives that was growing with my parents but it didn’t seem to bring any arguments. My dad never talked about the things we were seeing so we were left to our own imagination to figure it all out. This split way of living went on for about two years.
