Archive for the ‘Sue DeRaad's Blog’ Category
Friday, July 22nd, 2011
Through the Windshield of My Life – Stepping forward to a more recent history.
2007 Toyota Sienna
In 2007, I bought a new Toyota Sienna minivan. I had no idea that this car would be a new symbol of a dramatic change in my life and would play out in amazingly surprising ways in the near future.
I bought the car just because of its practicality, size, good gas mileage, and to carry people around. I love to travel in groups so this would fit the bill.
I felt like I was driving a limousine! It was huge, comfortable, and rode nicely. And to add to that, the gas mileage was much better than my previous Nissan Exterra. That was a great plus.
Shortly after that, we had some concerns that Vileen’s car would have some major repairs so we made the decision to get a newer car for her as well. I had in my mind that I wanted an older, low mileage, Toyota or Nissan. I wanted something that had a lot of bells and whistles but one that had a practical price on it. I began to look on Ebay and at first search, I found exactly the car I had been looking for and the right color as well.
It was a 2002 Toyota Camry XLE. It was red with tan leather interior and it had everything on it. The mileage was incredibly low at only 35,000 miles for a car that was six years old. So, I bid and surprisingly, I won the bid. We drove to Missouri to pick it up and found it was in amazing condition and literally was a “little old lady’s” car.
Now, we were both set for a new life that was just months ahead of us but we had no idea what that was going to look like.
Surprise Me!
As I walked out the door of Love In Action in 2008, for the last time, I breathed a prayer;
God, I don’t know what you want to do with me now. I want to make the next 20 years of my life count. I know you have brought me through a lot and I have learned and grown so much in the last 20 years, maybe you can use my experience to help someone else. I have no agenda, and do not feel entitled to anything. I don’t have a degree or a career track. I am not sure who would want to hire someone who has led an “ex-gay” ministry for most of my adult life but I’m certain there is something in there that can be used. So, I guess my greatest desire is for something radical but I haven’t a clue what that might be. So God, SURPRISE ME!
My wife and I were on a Caribbean cruise in 2007. Our trip took us to a group of small islands called “Turks and Caicos”. When we got off the boat we met a lady who had just opened a horse and carriage ride to tour the island. As she spoke, she told us a little of the recent history of the island. She said that the island had been supported financially from a military base that was there. It appears it had recently been closed and it left the island financially broken. As I saw her business and the newly constructed Carnival pier I could see some life coming back.
As we rode around the island on the carriage, the young man told us that the island was dependent on all outside resources for everything including even the basic need of water. Their water had to be shipped in! This started my mind dreaming of all of the “what ifs” as I looked to my future.
Job Applications
What if God were to surprise me with a long term trip to Turks and Caicos to begin a gospel outreach on the island? I cannot seem to get that thought out of my mind even up to today. What if God wanted to move us across the United States? I began to send out applications for pastoral positions around the country. I thought maybe someone could use my experience some way for the general populace of the church. I attempted to come up with a resume that would capitalize on my experiences.
I didn’t get any call backs but still prayed for God’s movement in finding a new career. I began a dialogue with the pastor of the church we attended. He immediately tried to encourage me and said that he may have a place in our church and we began to pray about that. He encouraged me to write a book and offered me a slot to teach something that was on my heart. He felt an urgency to keep me in the loop and to keep talking about what God was doing to prepare me for my future.
The teaching series I came up with I called “Tributaries of Grace” based on a sermon that my pastor gave. I liked the thought of reaching into people lives with a message of God’s abundant love for them. Even though that was on my mind in the summer of 2008, I had no idea of what this would mean later on. The series was a success. I had asked God for ten people and he brought ten to the group. We were together for 8 weeks.
I continued to pray about how I was going to make a living. I felt confident that God would provide and a little arrogant at the same time that I didn’t have anything to worry about.
Meetings with Men
A friend of mine and I talked of how we could minister to others through personal meetings designed to read the bible together, listen to each other and encourage each other towards a mission oriented life. So I reached out to a group of men to see if they might want to meet with me one on one. So I set a goal of inviting six men into this arrangement. Within a week, not only six responded, but I filled my schedule with 10 men that I began to meet with regularly.
I loved the meetings and began to discover a new found heart within me as I sought to be a source of encouragement for them. I spent time discovering what I saw that was good in each of their lives. As we met I prayed for God to show me how I could encourage them.
Those who know me, would say that this was not exactly what I was doing in the previous years of ministry. I was used to looking for the shortcomings, the loose ends of someone’s life. I had a sense of pride in my ability to challenge people with those things that needed to be corrected. So, this ministry approach was significantly new for me.
A New Jesus In My Heart
As the first year of my departure from Love In Action came along, I was feeling satisfied, I was challenged in areas of my heart that were brand new for me to look at. I was also finding a much needed rest in my soul and Jesus was coming into these new areas that had opened up.
I was gaining a new understanding of an old word, “Grace”. What is grace and how does this apply to our Christian walk? I wasn’t sure I truly understood it from a personal experience. I had always heard, “Grace is the unmerited favor of God upon our lives.”
One day when I was sitting in my office alone I wandered into something I had never experienced before. I thought to myself, “Hum, I don’t work for Love In Action any more. I’ve never chosen to look at anything pornographic on the internet. I wonder what is actually out there?”
So, within a few clicks of the mouse I found some pictures that drew my interest. I looked a little more than all of a sudden my heart SANK! “Oh, my God, what have I done? I just crossed over the bridge into forbidden land. I have broken a place in my life that I have never strayed into before – NEVER!”
My mind began to rush into all of the years of instruction, of challenges for others, and into fears of “What do I do now?” My mind was scrambling and anxiety filled my heart. Then all of a sudden, something came to me that would become a life changing, life transforming experience with Jesus.
“John, what is the first thing you know about Me?” Jesus spoke through my anxious heart. I replied, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” He said, “Apply that right now.” I began a whole new process of prayer with Jesus. I began to unravel the last few minutes like I have never done before. “Lord, You have not condemned me, so I will not receive any condemnation from You for what I have chosen to do.”
Then the Lord said, “John, why are you here, what has brought you to look at those pictures?” I began a dialogue with Him about all of that realizing that a lot of it was motivated by my own curiosity. After pondering the questions that brought me to search the internet I heard Jesus say: “John, do you have any more questions?” In my own amazement with this conversation I said, “No, no I don’t think so.” Then He said, “Well, then, I guess we are done with this for now aren’t we.”
Oh, my gosh, I just experienced something about grace that I have never experienced before in my life. At a point where I felt as though I had just committed the “unpardonable sin” Jesus came into my heart with such calmness. He didn’t yell, He didn’t shame me, He didn’t scold me or embarrass me. He just acknowledged where I was at, listened to my heart, and in many ways, brought me into a teaching moment with Him right there with me.
I realized; duh, that Jesus was beside me the whole time. This wasn’t a surprise to Him. But even more, He also put all of this into perspective. It wasn’t so much about the pictures I ventured into. It was more about my heart with Him. That was far more important to Him than the clicking of my mouse while I looked to satisfy my own curiosity.
God, became man, right inside my own heart and dwelt with me. He showed me a personal side of our relationship that was one of the most significant experiences with Him I have ever had! He revealed to me just how close He is and how much He loves me.
I Found Grace!
I found a new revelation of the life transforming power of Grace. I learned something about humankind that never crossed my mind before. All of the challenges, confrontations, “preaching the truth” I had done in the past didn’t hold a candle to meeting with Jesus and finding His love and incredible ability to show me the truth that there is no condemnation from His heart to mine, if I am in Him.
As I pondered His message of grace to my heart, something quite dramatic began to change in the way I handled every relationship I encountered.
The World According to a Blogger!
As I approached the fall of 2008 I saw that there was a ministry forming that was deep in my heart. I knew it had something to do with the series I had taught as well as the new revelation of grace that was growing inside of me. “Tributaries of Grace” was the theme but the name was hard to say quickly and so I did a search for something close. I came up with “Grace Rivers”.
In just a couple of months time I had an official ministry name, a website, and a non-profit organization. So, now we had to figure out what this was all about. I began blogging about my transition, the changes in my heart and decided to write articles on the series I had taught. I knew there was something significant to tell others and I had to figure out how to do it.
An old acquaintance, Todd Posey, called me to ask me some questions about a group model that I had used when I was at Love In Action. He said he was coming to town and so we decided to meet and discuss what was going on in our lives. When we met, he was shocked and amazed at what I was talking about and affirmed that there was a purpose and a plan in God’s heart for my new vocational interests.
This meeting turned into more, and a plan was laid out! We developed a plot for what is now called “A Journey of Grace”. I began to write a chapter each week to process through the nine core principles that could lead someone to the same grace I had found for myself. After many weeks I had compiled a lengthy collection of topics and Todd thought it might be a great conference format.
So, a couple of months later we had another series of meetings and came up with a plan for how this material could be brought to the general market of Christian gatherings. We started marketing the conference and building a framework to release it. A decision was made to premier “A Journey of Grace” at Todd’s church in Kentucky. We bought radio spots, Todd talked it up everywhere he could and I sent out mailings to those within driving distance that were on my mailing list.
The Conference Was Delivered – But……
The date came, my wife and I traveled to northern Kentucky with great expectations of how this material would be received. We got ready for the Friday night event, assembled conference manuals and waited patiently for the start time to come.
Two hours later, our seats were empty and literally, NO ONE, came to register. We looked at each other and said, well, we are going to present a conference so here we go. I delivered each message passionately to two people, my wife, and Todd. Well, to be honest, Todd’s pastor came to some of the sessions so there were three people at times. But the material was presented, and recorded, without a hitch.
I certainly had to process the reality of hosting a conference out of town and no one showing up. The way I got through it was to realize, it had to be God’s plan because if one person would have come, it would have been worse. We figured God wanted to give us a practice run and I really was ok with what happened and wasn’t devastated. Well, I was disappointed and a little embarrassed when my friends asked me how it went. But I somehow had the confidence that God was with me through the experience. Just like in my office that day, God wasn’t surprised and would work this into something good.
The Next Writing Series
I came home and just kept moving forward with what was in front of me. I continued meeting with the 10 men weekly. I pondered what I might do next and pondered what else I could write about. So, Todd had encouraged me to write a devotional series on the pictures that show up on the Grace Rivers website. I began with one picture and wrote what came to my heart when I originally saw them and picked them to represent my heart for Grace Rivers Ministry. I felt my own heart encouraged as I wrote. These articles were from my heart and were written with real people in mind who were facing real life situations. I laid them out with the hope that someday they will be published in a book.
Another Piece of “A Journey of Grace”
I watched the lives of some friends of mine very closely. They had gone through such adversity and came out with a deep restoration in their family. I knew that the principles I had written about in A Journey of Grace were the same concepts that they had lived in their own family restoration. So, I contacted Sue DeRaad and asked her to write some of the ways that these none core principles had worked in their family to bring their family to reconciliation. So, Sue began to write and we came up with the additional material that will be in the upcoming book, “A Journey of Grace” with “From the Heart of a Woman”.
During this first year away from over 20 years of “ex-gay” ministry I kept pushing ministry to the subject of homosexuality out of my way. I kept thinking, “God, I want something radical, I don’t want to contrive any ministry focus out of my past, but want to be open to Your future.”
I kept looking for surprises and they came regularly. Watch for the next chapter in the adjustments to a brand new life, vocation, and career!
If you have the courage, this series will lead us into some uncharted waters and awesome opportunities. There will be challenges too. Stay tuned.
A New Car, A New Life – Part Two (Click Here)
To read more from “Through the Windshield of My Life”:
Click Here
If you want to read articles from the Website Picture devotionals:
Click Here
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Grace Rivers Development, Sue DeRaad's Blog, Testimonies, Uncategorized, Weekly Devotionals | 2 Comments »
Monday, March 15th, 2010
To Love and to Honor… My Husband, My Friend!
My husband is a man with a huge heart…a heart that feels deeply…a heart that brings healing to others by the way he offers love, compassion and courage to those who are especially down trodden, weak and weary. He is a Shepard, a gatherer of people. He provides shelter from the storm that is approaching and a shield when danger is near.
I honor him for who God has made him to be, how he offers love and protection to little ones. He would walk through the night to bring a lost child home. He honors, respects and guards their innocence. His arms are always open to children; they feel safe because they sense the openness of his heart as well. I remember while sitting next to my husband at sporting events, I sat alone…while he sat balancing the 4 or 5 children who were competing for a place on his lap. There was a time that I felt envious of that, but as I look back, I stand in awe of the gift God has given him to touch the hearts of children. Jesus in his teachings here on earth gave very special instructions concerning children. This man offers the example of Christ toward children. Children are drawn in. They feel loved, protected and cherished.
His love of nature has given me a perspective of God’s creation that has changed my life. I am able to see beauty that I have never noticed or seen before. In nature I meet with God in new ways that bring peace and harmony to my life. I see things through his eyes and it has lead me closer to God, for that I honor him.
The elderly feel important, loved and valued when Roger is close by. His heart is turned toward them, he hears their voice and they know it. So many of our older generation have lost their respect through sickness and health. But to him, they hold an honorable place in his heart because of their years… their wisdom and the journey of both accomplishments and maybe the pain they’ve walked through! He always has time for one of these lovely human beings who is in need. He genuinely cares for their well being. He is the hands and feet of Jesus to those who have gone before us.
To actually “Honor” another person is the highest form of love and respect within a relationship, but when there has been a breech of trust or severe hurt in a relationship, it may take longer to come to that place, it does not happen overnight. Through following the core values explained in The Journey of Thomas, I can honor my husband today, not because our relationship has been without duress, in fact, just the opposite. The first 20 years of our marriage were full of secrets, dishonesty and hurt. but today, there’s been honesty, forgiveness and healing. I now know and understand Roger’s heart. This allows me the privilege I have today of giving honor to my husband, my friend! The most amazing thing is, that I am able to do this with a pure heart!
Yes, our marriage was in despair and a lot of it had to do with Roger’s addiction and my lack of understanding concerning who I really was. Yet Roger’s decision to seek help leaving him separated from his wife and children for nearly 2 years, he was willing to give up his life to find it. His choices gave me the courage to trust again and walk through my own healing process. In that I see strength and courage, not weakness. For that – I honor him as the man I love…my friend…my husband!
“There is no greater love than to lay down your life…for a friend.”
Roger, you were willing to trod that painful yet amazing journey of discovering who God created you to be. In believing what He showed you, you found freedom not only for yourself, but you also lead the way for me and your family and others to do the same. I want to give Honor to you today, and encourage you to continue to walk in those shoes. Because from your sandals emerged a great and mighty warrior!
A year ago Roger and I moved to South Dakota to be near our children and grandchildren. He unselfishly took on a position as a farmhand, which is totally outside his comfort zone. In taking this position he has been forced to face a lifetime of fears, working very long hard hours and 6 days a week. He has come through his first year accomplishing more than either of us could have ever imagined. Gaining confidence in areas where he previously would never have even tried has made him a stronger man, more rugged and attractive to me! His unselfishness has made it possible for me to stay home to be a fulltime wife, mother and grandmother, to grow in my giftedness and to continue to explore the woman God created me to be.
In living without my income, we now live in one of the nicest most comfortable homes we’ve ever owned. It’s size allows us to have one of our children and her family stay with us while they find housing in this new community. Our new home lends itself to an atmosphere of family and friends. My kitchen is filled the aroma of “Mom is home.” My cupboards are overflowing from ceiling to floor. My freezers are full. My home is comfortable, not perfect. It lends itself to granddaughters coming by for a tea party and our grandson building a farm or hammering something he insists needs ‘fixin’.
The best part is, we are here to lend a hand and actively love both of our children and their families. We are enjoying the chance to nurture the little people in our lives. I have time now to run a meal or surprise snack to the field. Roger can pick me up and take me on a 4-wheeler ride to check the fields for weeds. Last night just as the sun was setting, he said, “Sue come on, grab the camera, let’s try to catch the sunset.” We built a memory!
Our lives are full…not necessarily easy, but rich and full of all the things that are important to us. All because this man, even though we didn’t agree, chose to wrestle with God and find peace in the midst of a very difficult decision. He chose to make a decision even though it was scary and uncertain in order to gather his family back together, to build and rebuild relationships for generations to come. All this because he chose to trust God with the unknown!
Do we always live out our newly found self, No! Do we always walk in the shoes that squeeze us and help us to grow…No! We often slip back into what’s comfortable but now we know that our new shoes are waiting for us at the foot of our beds. In them we find plenty of room to grow. I am not sure if they will ever become comfortable or that I even want them to. I don’t want to become complacent and comfortable. I want God to always push me through to the next level of my journey with Him.
Today is Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2010 and I lift you up Roger. I thank God for your courage and strength to lead me even when it’s been unpopular or even when I don’t want to be lead. You are a quiet leader, but you speak truth clearly when I need it. Thank you for allowing God to continue to grow you…Today, I honor who God has made you to be…may you continue to wrestle with Him.
Tags: Core Values, Honor, Journey of Thomas, Sue DeRaad, Sue DeRaad's Blog
Posted in Sue DeRaad's Blog, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
It’s A Girl!
Look at all that hair! How could our baby be screaming and not even born yet?
“Okay Sue, just one more push,” I heard the doctor say. In just minutes after Roger called out our daughter’s identity, he reached over handing me a lifetime of joy!
Proverbs 31:29
“Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Cassidy, I want to bless you today. I want to bless you for who you are as a daughter, wife and a mother. Most of all, I want to bless you for who you are as a person.
I want to bless your mind. You have a strong mind. A mind that learns well and teaches naturally.
Your heart is tender toward the Lord. Children are drawn to you because you are loving, enchanting and open. They feel safe with you, because you set boundaries for them; this protects them and gives them freedom within those boundaries to explore and discover who they’ve been created to be.
You both encourage and challenge those around you to be strong and you motivate others to accomplish their goals. Your character is strong yet your heart is open and vulnerable! You stand strong for the things you believe in. You are honest and trustworthy.
As a wife, you are respectful and honoring. You hear the voice of your husband, but you don’t hide from expressing your own. You are willing to walk together in life’s great adventures and I bless that in you both! I love how you respect your husband and yet how honest you are in your relationship with him. I’ve seen you grow together as you trust the love and honesty of each other’s hearts. Your relationship is a model of God’s love. I bless your marriage, that it will be used to bring truth to others who stand by and observe it.
As a mommy, I see only joy in your eyes and excitement in your voice as you speak of your children. The word nurture defines you perfectly. There is nothing that brings more light to your glowing face than when you are watching Levi play.
You and Jason are gifted with the exact equation of nurturing, fun loving playfulness, guidance, love and discipline that were needed for Levi and his future siblings to grow up to be all that God created them to be.
As a daughter, my heart overflows with admiration and delight in the woman you’ve become. You are a friend to me and I am blessed! I treasure the memories we shared as you grew up; your spunk, your emotion, your imagination and love for make believe.
You always knew exactly what you wanted and you were more than ready to go after it! In that I see determination. Your fear of bugs, flies and crawly things made you the perfect little girl! But somewhere along the way, you turned into a well-balanced young lady who wasn’t afraid to ride four wheel ATV’s, fish, and hunt, or even shooting a partridge on the fly. Your brother was well pleased with your ability to throw a mean football, yet when you put on a dress, threw your hair up and polished your nails, you could walk the red carpet with the best of princesses! Your grace is amazing, the light in your eyes blinding and your smile and laughter are contagious! God has graced you with balance and beauty that made you the perfect match for the warrior in your life.
I want to bless you Cassidy, with a word picture. A symbol that I believe encompasses who you really are. A tulip I know is one of your favorite flowers, and as I’ve thought about a symbol for you, I think a tulip is perfect. First of all, a tulip has a unique beauty all it’s own; it’s a flower that one just takes a step back and enjoys. It is most often displayed and enjoyed in groupings rather than alone as a single flower.
Remember that Cassidy; that you are relational and it’s important for you to stand with others in order for your beauty to be shared. When being enjoyed by on lookers a tulip is less likely than other flowers to be picked and separated from its grouping.
Beds of tulips are often enjoyed from a distance as one stands in awe of everything they represent. Life, the onset of Spring, the end of winter. You too, are often enjoyed from a distance; your beauty is striking, yet calls those looking on to silence. When you are in your element, you represent life as well. I see it especially when you are taking advantage of each teachable moment in Levi’s life, or when you have the opportunity of being in front of a classroom of students sharing their learning experiences. Each tulip is different; tulips first are enjoyed because of the variety of colors they can display, they can also range from very plain to very fancy. It may have very fine straight lines or rounded with frilly edges, but that doesn’t change its beauty! This compares to your balanced personality; you are okay with who you are in both jeans and a gown.
The stem of a tulip appears to be very strong, yet it can be broken very easily if it is not handled with love and respect. In fact an entire tulip is very vulnerable to harm. You, Cassidy, are similar to that. You are often very fragile, but no one would know because you stand so tall, so confident and strong. This is where you must remember your dependence on God, and others. A tulip is a bulb that needs to be protected by someone who will take it in from the cold and put it out again in the spring to enjoy being kissed by the sun and refreshed by the rain! The bulb is the “heart” of this plant and must be protected from the cold and the heat. If the bulb is left unprotected, it will die! I pray that your strength will be in Him and your beauty will be only a reflection of what’s truly in your heart!
I bless and honor the day you were born, because without you, my heart would not be filled to overflowing like it is today! Today I found out that God has given you a daughter as well. The fruit of your womb! My eyes well up in anticipation of the thought of you experiencing the same relationship with your daughter as I have had with you! What a Blessing!
Cassidy, I love you! May I bless your future today as you continue to walk forward into the Journey God has planned for you! This is really just the beginning. May your life be a continued example of God’s love and commitment. May you enjoy relationships that are healthy and strong within your marriage, your family, and also with friends that will challenge and encourage you. I pray that you find your purpose in Him. And when walking confidently in that purpose, taking every opportunity He brings your way so that you will experience true satisfaction and fulfillment. Step out Cass! Trust God to make you all that you can be!
Be blessed my dear. I love you!
Mom
Tags: Core Values, Sensitivity, Sue DeRaad, Sue DeRaad's Blog, The Journey of Thomas
Posted in Sue DeRaad's Blog, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas | No Comments »
Monday, November 30th, 2009
Desolate, alone, no where to turn, despair…
So hopeless that taking his own life must have seemed like the only choice.
How does someone get to this place…we were heartbroken as we watched some 450 people came to say good-bye. They spoke of his life…A “Smile” that was contagious, a “Heart” that kept giving! The stories repeatedly testified of people, people whose lives were touched by this one man! One after another stood to bare witness of the man they knew…or thought they knew. He was a friend, a son, a father and a husband…
He seemingly, was a lover of life, people, family and the out of doors.
What went wrong?? How does one hide their despair from 450 people?
What could have been going through his mind?
There is nothing good about me…
If anyone were to find out…
No one would understand…
I am so ashamed…
I can’t ask…I just couldn’t take another rejection!
I must hide…
I feel hopeless…
These are thoughts many of us have had before…the lies that Satan plants in our minds. Our negative self – talk.
As I sat and observed this tragic occasion, I felt saddened at the people coming and going, watching their expression of bewilderment, grief, shock and silence! The truth was…People were crying out for a chance to listen, a chance to have a part in reversing the outcome. But that was impossible now. Questions were raised…why didn’t he call me? Why didn’t he trust me enough to confide? Feelings expressed… “I’m angry… I’m hurt…I’m so sad!” Honesty reigned, but yet many heads still hung in confusion and grief!
I’ve been looking at my relationships…Do I really listen? Do I see the body language?
Do I look beyond his/her words? Am I a confidant? Am I safe for him/her? Do the people I am closest to, feel safe with me. Do they trust me to be a confidant? Am I trustworthy?
There were many times when despair was also a part of my husband Roger’s life. He believed the lies as well. The lies that no one understood, that no one cared and that he couldn’t possibly be honest about his life, that he’d be rejected again.
I too, being in an unhappy marriage, didn’t want anyone to think badly of the man I loved. I didn’t think I had anyone I could tell that another man was paying attention to me. I believed I had no one I could trust with that information.
We both hid and continued in our pain alone. No one knew how messy our marriage was. So sitting through this service was very personal for us… both as a very difficult time to remember back to that life, but also as a time of awakening for us to not take our relationship or our healing for granted.
As I looked over and saw the tears streaming down Roger’s face, he reached over and squeezed my hand. I knew then that we were united in spirit, in our grief, our compassion for this family and in our gratefulness for what God has brought us through.
We may struggle at times with some of those same feelings, but we are confident in God’s love for us, our love for one another and the love of our families that has been tried and tested. When life’s circumstances seem difficult, we are not hopeless, because …
Psalms 37: 23 – 24: The steps of a man are established by the Lord; and when he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
There have been times, when I thought my life was out of control and this verse brought me peace. A counselor once shared with me that while driving along, he has reached over to hold the hand of his Heavenly Father. What a sweet reality! It’s a comfort to know that He is that close!
Lord Jesus, May your love penetrate us so deeply that others are moved by your presence, may they sense your love, and be drawn to You through us. Make us approachable, honest and open in our relationships, so that others feel safe. Help us remember that every relationship is divinely appointed by you. Make us aware of opportunity everyday to make a difference in someone else’s life. Forgive me for the times I have overlooked someone because of time, busyness, or my own selfish agenda.
Open the eyes of my heart Lord, to be sensitive to the needs of others and available when someone needs to be lead into your presence. Thank you for the privilege of placing the hand of a hurting person into yours…Amen
Tags: Sue DeRaad, The Journey of Thomas
Posted in Sue DeRaad's Blog, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Friday, October 30th, 2009
As Iron sharpens Iron, so does one man sharpen another. Proverbs 27:17
Derek was only 18 when he learned of his father’s addiction. Sitting on the step of a stairwell in a hotel close to his college, he hung his head. First anger, then such severe grief for an 18 year old to have to endure, just when he was trying to figure out his own identity and place in this world.
As a mom, I felt so much pain for my son. I felt so fearful of the effect this news would have on his future choices. I wanted to protect him, to keep him from hurting, but I couldn’t, I needed to let him feel and then handle it in his own way. I could‘t fuss over him or coddle him. He was alone in a whole new environment, knowing very few, no family around him and having to deal with such devastating news about his father. How would this news change their relationship? Would they ever be okay?
Today, I look back to that time and I marvel to think of what God has done in ten years. The progress, the healing of the hearts of two men that I love so much, two men who are learning together to live…wild at heart!
Derek, is a dad himself now living in South Dakota. One night, in the Fall of 2008, while still living in Minnesota, we got a call from him. He asked for his father and said,” Dad I need you!” He worked on his in-laws family farm, but had recently gone on his own and he was feeling overwhelmed! He had so much on his plate and wanted his dad close by. Derek is a risk taker, He was willing to trust God and step out, but now he was asking for help. His dad could have said, “Derek, I’m over 50 years old, I’m done moving around. I am staying right where I’m at.
But instead, he wrestled with God until there was peace, and then he dropped everything and ran to his son! By that I mean…God provided full time work for Roger as a farm hand with Derek’s brother-in-law. Within two weeks after the offer for the job, he was on his way to SD. I went with Roger that first week and then I had to come back to MN and stay working until our house sold. Starting with the very first day we arrived, Roger and Derek spent most nights sleeping in the barn calving out 200 heifers. Derek had spent a couple weeks preparing for our arrival. They had a single mattress and a recliner in the tack room with a small heater and a compact refrigerator also, not to mention a portable DVD player. Many hilarious stories have come from that experience along with some life lessons I am sure.
Mutual respect came from all the experiences they had as they lived in very tight quarters depending on one another to get through day and ultimately the calving season. Walking together in the middle of the night through blizzards and frigid sub 0 degree temperatures…one holding a light and one picking up a new born calf who was on the brink of hypothermia, carrying them to the barn, rubbing them down to increase circulation then placing them in a warmer to save their lives. They worked together assisting many of the cows who were struggling to have their first babies. There were nights where they were exhausted. They had to continue setting their alarms every two hours and getting up to check the cows who were getting close to delivery. Some nights Derek would wake up and sneak out to let his father have some extra sleep and some nights Rog would do the same for him.
Derek saw his dad walking in the newness of the man God created him to be. He saw a seasoned kind of calmness he had not seen in his dad before. He respected him for being willing at his age to change his entire lifestyle and his job to be near him and his family, taking the opportunity to rebuild that relationship.
Roger saw his son as the man he was becoming, strong and adventurous, organized and knowledgeable of the task at hand. He had a strong work ethic, willing to work hard to provide for his family.
This relationship didn’t happen over night. There have been some hard times where the growing pains of honesty, love and respect were being sharpened. But they have worked hard to regain that mutual respect that comes from working through the steps of the journey!
As Iron sharpens Iron, so does one man sharpen another…Proverbs 27:17
This is a verse we have up in our family room near the pictures of Roger, Derek and Jason our son-in law. It is a good reminder of the importance that relationship plays between men.
As a mom, I am moved again by God’s goodness and grace in the lives of Derek and his father. Just 2 weeks ago Roger got a phone call. Derek sounded like a kid in a candy store. He had been invited on an Elk hunting trip. They were leaving for the Rockies the next morning. They would be hauling their horses to the southwest corner of Colorado, unloading, riding up into the mountains and sleeping under the stars. He wanted his dad to come along and be a part of this adventure. It was a very difficult decision; however Roger knew that with the symptoms of West Nile virus still present in his body, it wouldn’t be a good idea health wise for him to go on this trip.
I continue to thank God whenever I see them together. I still, after all these years, am moved to tears as I think of the gift of relationship between these two men in my life. Without both men trusting the God of the universe…things could be very different! The world says, “Just write ‘um off!” But our God is in the business of healing and restoring, He says, “Come to Me…”
Tags: Derek DeRaad, Father and Son, Journey of Thomas, Roger DeRaad, Sue DeRaad
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Saturday, October 17th, 2009
Ten Years Ago I didn’t know if we’d even have a family.
Monday morning, I marveled as I considered the past weekend. Wow God, you really did care for us as a family. You had a work to do and you used our family to show us just how big, wide and vast your love really is! Thank you Father!
Ten years ago, I didn’t know if we’d even have a family. In the midst of our deepest struggles, there was so much pain, so much hurt…so much forgiveness needed to find our way back to each other. Could it ever be, would we even get there? Could life ever be found again aside from the severe pain and confusion we were in?
Jeremiah 29: 12-14
“Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. And I will be found by you,”: declares the Lord, “and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord. “
Watching Roger’s parents drive away, I smiled, what a beautiful weekend. Our family had been separated for nearly 10 years. Derek married and starting his family in SD, Cassidy and Jason in TN for 6 years and then to Owatonna, MN near us. Our parents and sisters had remained in International Falls the whole time. It was great having our daughter Cassidy, Jason and Levi, near us, but we still felt unsettled because our son Derek, Laura and their girls were still 7 hours away.
You might be saying, “Many families are separated, that is not so unusual.” But in spite of all the hurt from our past, we loved each other and didn’t want to settle for being apart. God wasn’t finished with us yet and we began to pray and seek after Him for direction! I felt certain that our family must be gathered back together to bring the kind of healing that God desired and that would glorify His name.
I began doing a lot of reading in the Old Testament. I read about how God scattered the Israelites because of their sin, but in the end he gathered them from where he had sent them, to take back the land that was stolen from them by the enemy, Our “Land” was “our hearts and our relationships”
Today, as I reminisce about our recent move to South Dakota and this past weekend with family, I am humbled and stand amazed at His great love for us. The weekend was filled with excitement and laughter. The grandmas were in the kitchen cooking a Chinese dinner for everyone. With 15 adults and 12 children, our work was cut out for us! The mom’s with young children were watching and learning, sharing adult conversation while keeping one eye on the 12 children squealing with excitement over being together with their cousins. Great Grandparents watched in delight and the men in the living room anxiously awaited the call to dinner.
As the “Grandma” of the house, I rang the old brass bell in memory of our great great grandma who relished each moment she had her family around her table. Ringing the bell meant it was time to gather and ask God to bless the food we were about to eat and to give thanks for the family gathering around.
There is a picture stamped on my heart forever. I will go back to this day often and be filled up with the memory of our children, their families and our parents sitting around our dining room table feasting not merely of His provision, but also of the breath taking aroma of our of love for one another, as forgiveness permeated the air around us.
This, my friend is what Grace Rivers is all about – God building and restoring broken relationships that seem impossible! It is all about providing the tools, and sharing the joy of seeing others experience the Grace that our heavenly father so freely gives. This will require a willingness to trust God to do His work in us and through us. Trusting God to heal our pain is a risk worth taking!
Jeremiah 31:1-2a, 3- 4a
“At that time,” declares the Lord, “I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they shall be my people.” Thus says the Lord, “the people who survived the sword, found grace in the wilderness…” “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with loving kindness” “Again I will build you and you shall be rebuilt,”
Tags: family, Restored, Sue DeRaad, The Journey of Thomas
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Monday, October 5th, 2009
Active Participation
Am I willing to put aside my own agenda to in order to listen to someone else’s heart?
Phil. 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Wow, I thought as I sat looking up at the stars. It was amazing! The stars had taken over the entire universe. The Big Sky, which is normally referred to as being in Montana, had escaped to the Dakotas. My mind was lost for a moment, until I heard the Roger sigh. We were lost together sitting outside on our little patio with only the dim flame of a candle between us, the perfect end to a very hard day.
Roger and I both started out with our agenda’s. He was going to spend the day cleaning out the rest of the “junk” from our move. Then he wanted to dig the potatoes, bring in the pumpkins, squash, and gourds and finally pull the foliage from the garden. He had a busy day planned. I was going to enter a month of spending receipts and balance the checkbook. I also had to freeze apples, and clean the house before my daughter and I would leave for Minnesota to get our last load of personal things and close on the sale of our house. I reminded Roger the night before that I knew he would want my help the next day, but I would not be able to keep running out to help him if I was going to get my work done.
The day started out good. Roger went right to the garage and I started organizing my day inside. Within a half hour, I heard “Sue, I need you!” I didn’t say anything, I went to the garage and Roger said, “I know this isn’t what you wanted to be doing, but I really need your input on some things out here.”
At that point, I had to make a decision. I felt invaded and all kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. “What makes your work more important than mine?” “Roger, I don’t have time, you are putting pressure on me!” “Here we go again, you come first!” “I have so much to do and it’s not going to get done, AGAIN!” I answered his question and then I went inside.
As I began to prepare for everything I had to do, I thought…Roger has a Saturday off. He never gets a Saturday off. So, I do understand. There are so many things we probably should just donate to charity, toys to clean up for the grandchildren, and kitchen stuff to sort through. My heart began to change. I changed clothes, put on my shoes and went out and asked, “where do you want me to start?” I saw the frustration on Roger’s face dissipate, being replaced with relief.
We had a wonderful day together. We got the garage cleaned out, All the toys gone through washed up and put away in toy boxes and totes for the grandkids. We got the garden cleaned out with 20 pumpkins and a wheelbarrow filled with squash and gourds.
It was a beautiful fall day. We even did a little outdoor decorating for the season. Towards evening Roger offered to scrub my floors while I worked on the checkbook. I got my kitchen, dining room, and entry floors scrubbed. Hurray!!
About 8:00 pm, I walked out to the patio to share a couple polish sausages and a bag of chips with Rog. He had lit a candle and we sat underneath the stars and shared a simple intimate moment. It was a perfect ending to a perfect day, a day that could have been very different if I hadn’t listened to my husband’s heart and see that his needs were important. I made a choice, to esteem him as more important that day than my own needs.
Tags: Active Participation, Sue DeRaad, The Journey of Thomas
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Thursday, September 24th, 2009
Friday
Today, I am feeling overwhelmed with what it means to be transparent in relationships. If “transparency” as described in the Journey of Thomas means to have enough substance to live in flexibility, then I am learning a lesson here.
Our recent move from Minnesota to South Dakota has brought about quite a stirring up in my life. So, I am trying to learn what it means to “fit in” to life here. Does it mean giving up who I am? Does it mean watching…waiting…looking for ways to fit in to a new culture, a new environment?
I didn’t expect that to be such a struggle for me. But today it is.
How do I fit in and still hang on to me!
Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my heart… I find myself fighting to hang on, because I have experienced the real me and I can’t lose her again. I don’t want to, because I know the joy of becoming…actively pursuing God’s purpose for me.
Saturday
Today God spoke to my heart, He’s given me a glimpse of a new perspective. Could it be that I don’t have to give up me? But for now, I realize that I am the new kid on the block. I do believe that God has a plan here, a purpose for me other than feeling like I am living just to catch my next breath. He brought me here with a purpose. He knows me intimately and knows that for me, relationships are a priority. They are the beginning of everything that’s valuable. What does it take to enter into new relationships…it means I must be transparent. I must, I want to enter into the lives of those around me. I am working hard to do this and I am learning so much about myself in the process. And that is okay, that is good! I am entering into the lives of others by becoming a part of their world. I am doing things that I have never done before;
Raking Hay for my son (14 hours a day on a tractor)
Learning to talk on a CB Radio system between all the vehicles on the farm.
I’ve Cooked & served meals in the fields for the harvesting crews
I’ve become flexible because in farming…plans change in minutes.
I run to town (37 miles away) for machinery parts or fertilizer at the drop of a hat.
I make 6 – 8 dozen cookies every week for lunches and little ones that need treats!
I get an occasional morning phone call from Derek, “Mom, do you have some coffee made? I’ll be by in 10 minutes”
I have Jason, Cassidy and Levi living with us…What a blessing to have this little family in our home while they job search in Aberdeen. Waking up to little Levi…tucking him in at night! What a privilege for Grandpa and Grandma.
Learning…still learning…the unimportance of a cluttered house.
I am harvesting a garden…Canning or Freezing with the help and encouragement of my daughter in law and her mom;
o Salsa
o Tomatoe Soup
o Kosher Dills
o Banana Peppers
o Raspberries
o Green Beans
o Corn
o Pears
And…I am doing all this to enter into life here while moving our household from Minnesota to South Dakota – not finished yet!
I recently drove a fifth wheel diesel pickup with a 24ft.cattle trailer on behind to Minnesota and back with the remainder of our belongings as well as Jason and Cassidy’s household. Derek, our son, lead the way. I felt so cared for when he offered to drive the other pickup because Roger had to work. He encouraged me along with a few strong suggestions (he wouldn’t have been Derek without those) on the CB radio system between the two pickups all the way there and back. I am building a whole new relationship with my son, and it’s all worth it!
We are fighting to find “Our” time. Roger and I are learning the value of quality time. Sometimes we feel like giving up and saying “We’ve lost everything we’ve gained over the years. But instead, we continue to fight…figuring it all out within our new circumstances. We are working to find a “New” normal that for us is still meaningful and intimate, asking God to use us for His purpose in this new land he has brought us to.
So have I lost heart?? No, As God so graciously has shown me this week-end, “Sue, for this season you must learn a new life here. I have new things for you to learn…it’s not about driving a tractor, or canning vegetables or talking on a CB radio. It’s about relationship. You are entering into relationships by entering into the lives of those around you.”
So, if I want to have a voice, if I want to make a difference, I must become a part of this world. I must trust Him for the timing!
Lord Jesus, thank you for showing me your perspective. Thank you for helping me take the focus off me and back to you. I have learned so much already. I have learned more about giving… and unselfishness from those around me. Father, give me a giving heart! Lord…let my heart be heard…even now. Allow my heart to minister to the hearts of other women. Let honesty and love flow from me, pointing others to a deeper more intimate relationship with you… Amen!
Tags: JOT, Journey of Thomas, Sue DeRaad's Blog, Transparency
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Monday, September 21st, 2009
Being an active participant in your relationships is a part of unconditional love, leading to a better understanding of one another and nurturing respect.
So many times I have to take a step back and ask myself, am I really hearing what’s being said to me? Or am I responding out of my own insecurities or agenda? Am I only hearing what I expect to hear, not what my husband or children are really saying?
When I feel most hurt and unimportant as a wife and a mother is when I feel unheard. When I believe that I don’t have a voice, I feel insignificant. When that happens I am usually feeling quite passionate and I believe I have something important to say. When I believe the person I love is not hearing the heart behind my words, I feel hopeless and something inside me flares that I fear is often misunderstood.
When I feel heard, then it’s easier for me to let go and submit to the other person, because they have respected my opinion, they have heard my voice and have understood my heart. I feel important enough for someone to have taken the time to hear me. I feel respected and considered. I feel honored.
There is probably nothing greater for a mother than to be respected by her children. I have a daughter who has always been a active participant in my life. We laugh a lot together. We don’t always think alike, but she is someone who is honest with me—sometimes too honest! But because I know her heart, I feel compelled to listen to her and consider what she is saying. I have to be able to sort through her words and consider the truth in what she says. She is my friend.
She is a mom now. She is experiencing both the joy and the immense responsibility of motherhood. She will be a wonderful mother! Such joy it brings me to be close to her again; to watch and pray.
I have a son who reacts quickly and often harshly, but who also has an amazingly huge heart. I still feel loved and respected by him because he takes the time to set aside the situation and think through the conversation. He later returns showing understanding and respect for what I said even though he may not agree.
If I did not know his heart, if I had not chosen to be an active participant in his life, I may feel chewed up and spit out by the strength of his voice. God has given him a strong, rich character, which at times needs some fine-tuning, as does mine. He is young and passionate about life. He is wild at heart. As his mother, I have the privilege to sit back, watch and pray!
I am thankful for the opportunity God has given me to be a active participant in the lives of my adult children.
Tags: Active Partcipant, Journey of Thomas, Sue DeRaad's Blog
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Sunday, September 6th, 2009
Oh satisfy us in the morning with Thy loving-kindness, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. –Psalm 90:14
My soul thirsts for Thee, my flesh, yearns for thee… -Psalm 63:1b
My heart aches for this kind of relationship with my Heavenly Father! I have experienced this, I have taken Him in and know that it is good, but why does He feel distant today? What happened? How did I get here? How do I get back? Or maybe, how can I experience this for the very first time?
Do these questions sound familiar to you? I know I have asked all these questions and more.
The Journey of Thomas shows us that healthy relationships begin with my relationship with my Jesus! When I find that relationship distant, it’s always because I have lost an honest evaluation of my own life, my motives, my source of life, which is Jesus!
Who fills your cup? Who satisfies your soul? Most of us women, if we were honest would say—my husband, my children, my friends, or my job.
When my husband winks at me from across the room, or when he walks out of his way to open my car door, I feel honored. When he helps me with the children without me nagging at him, I feel respected. Maybe he brings home that something special (flowers, a piece of jewelry) for no apparent reason other than he is thinking of me, and I feel loved! One of our children comes running into the room, throws their arms around us and exclaims their love for us. Maybe a best friend calls and asks us for some advice or prayer. You pray for her and then before she hangs up she tells you how much this friendship means to her. All these are constant little deposits into our cup.
After being devastated by dishonesty in my marriage, feeling ripped apart with aloneness and despair, Jesus met me. He showed me in a unique way that He wanted to be my cup filler, that He could meet all my needs. But first, I had to face the reality of my condition. I had to get honest!
One night almost 5 years ago, in 2005, while Roger and I were separated, I laid in bed, feeling empty and alone, begging my heavenly Father not to ask me to stay married to this man; pleading for Him to release me of this covenant. I had every reason to leave, and I was ready to move forward. Then He whispered to me, Do you love him? I managed to breathe a yes as I struggled to swallow. Then can you be his friend? I heard within my heart.
I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting a fight with the Father, demanding I take back my rightful place as a faithful, forgiving wife or else! My defenses slowly rested at my side. The reality was that He was even more alone than I was right now. He had little to no one walking by his side. He had burned his bridges and he was experiencing real aloneness! Even though I had no intentions of staying married to him, I did love him and wanted him to be healthy emotionally and spiritually. I wanted him to carry on in a healthy relationship with God and his family. I wanted to be part of his support system, even though I didn’t know what that might look like.
Who fills your cup? I expected my husband to.
When I was laying there that night feeling so empty, I was calling out to God, pouring out what was in my heart, as honest as I could be, letting him know that I needed an unconditional love that would last. I fell asleep and woke up a few minutes later with the words of Dennis Jernigan’s song playing on my stereo; I will love you with an everlasting love. It was a gift, straight from my Savior! He knew exactly what I needed and He was offering it to me.
I felt drawn to get out of my bed. As I put my foot on the floor beneath me, I was suddenly swept away being held up only by His strength. He continued as I wept, Let me be enough for you, and let me be your husband, for I will love you with an everlasting love! I danced that night in the arms of my Savior; He was enough! He filled my cup as I emptied myself out. He satisfied my soul! Could He have met my need without my pain and despair that brought such honesty? Yes, he could have, but he wanted me to come to Him in complete honesty and transparency!
Even though I am no longer in despair, I have recently begun practicing emptying myself out each morning. Ridding myself of “Self.” Any fears. Anything that I am hanging on to, craving, or anything I depend on to fill my cup. I need to confess my brokenness and pour myself out to make room for Him. He is able and willing and desirous to fill me completely with himself. So often there isn’t room for Him, because I am not in touch with my feelings or just not being honest with Him. When He fills me, I am complete, I am satisfied.
The blessings I receive from my husband, my children and my friends now are the overflow of the joy, peace and contentment He has already given me. Now, I don’t have to have an expectation within my relationships anymore because that only brings disappointment. The extra blessings I receive from those around me are the overflow!
May this kind of honesty and intimacy between you and your Savior, leave you complete in His fullness, blessed to overflowing and more than satisfied!
PDF Intimacy With God
Tags: honesty, Intimacy with God, Sue DeRaad, The Journey of Thomas
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It was a 2002 Toyota Camry XLE. It was red with tan leather interior and it had everything on it. The mileage was incredibly low at only 35,000 miles for a car that was six years old. So, I bid and surprisingly, I won the bid. We drove to Missouri to pick it up and found it was in amazing condition and literally was a “little old lady’s” car.