Archive for the ‘Helpful Advice’ Category
Friday, July 24th, 2009
Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Rom. 14:3
Let not him who eats regard with contempt him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats, for God has accepted him.
The term “respect” can mean many different things for different people. Here are some definitions to help us enter into this subject on the same basis of understanding:
1. Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.
2. The condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.
3. To hold in esteem or honor: e.g.” I cannot respect someone who does that”.
4. To refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person’s investment or time.
I am going to use two definitions from the list above, number “2″ and number “4″. God has given an intrinsic value to each of us. To respect what He has created without judgment is to agree with God’s assessment of value to His children.
I would also like to call attention to learning to value one another through maintaining commitments and paying attention to one another’s time and resources.
Esteeming Actual Value
Respect is a practical way of esteeming actual value. When we were created, God spoke into our lives a value that is not negotiable no matter what the world says or does. Just because we were treated poorly or we’ve acted poorly this did not remove or change our actual value. By respecting others we are communicating to them that they are worth whatever God says they are without regard to what they’ve done or based upon the world’s perspective.
When I was on a television program with others that were outwardly contrary to my way of thinking I learned a valuable lesson about relating to them. One man in particular was very outspoken and at times rude and the audience was cruel towards him in return. I watched what was happening and found the words “respect doesn’t have to agree” enter my head.
I was reminded of Jesus going through extensive insults and abuse and yet there was a respect that came out of His life that was hard for me to understand. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”.
Rom. 14:1
Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions.
When I consider others that I might be tempted to disrespect in my own mind, I must admit that I do not always know or understand their history, their life circumstances, or their heart. How do I know what may be underneath their opinions? Without listening to them, I won’t.
I have all too often been mistaken in my outward assessment of where others are at. Maybe a person was appearing to be unconvinced of something I would deem immoral. It is entirely possible that they may be seeking for freedom and deliverance from a habit right at that time? Weak in their faith could mean they are on the same road I am, just at a different place along “their” road than I can see.
Respect for one another’s choices
I learned a valuable lesson in respect when our country went through a very challenging election in 2008. The country was divided over race, moral values, and certainly political concerns. How did each of us make a decision as to whom we were going to vote for? Each of us had our own reasons for our choice. I am certain that we could argue our own points that we would want others to agree with. Maybe we felt threatened by the differences that were at stake. But in the end, who is right? Well, from a Christian standpoint, God’s word tells us that He selects the person of His divine choice no matter what my opinion might be.
I heard that a close friend of mine, who happens to be African American, was going to attend the inauguration of Barak Obama in Washington D.C. After the event I asked him how it went. His comment was heartening to hear. He said, “John, it was all worth it when I saw the tears on my dad’s face”. So much went through my mind when I heard about his experience. I know nothing of how it feels to be African American in our country. I haven’t walked the path that so many have. I absorbed someone else’s experience in my heart through their words.
There are so many who had strong opinions about Obama vs. McCain. Their lives, their personal experiences, their values are something I need to respect. I would do well to listen to the roads they have travelled, the reasons for their convictions, and to hear their hearts regardless of which side they may have been on. My opinions are not any more important than anyone else’s. Yes, there are absolutes in God’s Word but there is also much room-as acknowledged in Romans 14:3-for personal freedom or conviction. Sometimes we just don’t know the bigger picture. In the end people have their own perspectives and we must respect their right to think and act as they choose.
Learning from difference
I found that I could learn a lot more about life if I would practice listening to others even if they disagreed with my position. Once I saw value in the differing opinions I saw them as food for thought and I began to learn. I heard someone once say that you learn from listening to your worst critic. I believe this can only be the case if you are willing to hear what they are saying with respect, and then you may find yourself growing in wisdom and in perspective.
Respecting one another has to do with pushing down our own pride and gaining a perspective for others that Christ may want us to see. Jesus loves everyone equally; He sees things in our lives and hears things in our hearts that we cannot always see and hear for ourselves. Respecting others will require us to see deeper into each other and look for what God sees.
Respect for authority
I remember sitting at a picnic table with some friends of mine. I was upset about some things going on in our church and was speaking negatively about the way our pastor was running things. My friends challenged me by saying, “John, God has not made you the pastor”.
I quickly did an evaluation of the truth of their words. I didn’t sit in his chair, his office, nor did I see things from his perspective. I was not right to assume I fully understood his reasoning for the decisions he had made. God had called me to respect his position, not because it was greater than mine, but because I was called to submit to his perspective, and that I didn’t know it all.
This didn’t mean that I was less than, or “underneath” him. Rather, there was an intrinsic difference between my view and his. When Ephesians 5:21 says to “submit to one another”, scripture is saying that we are not above or below one another, rather just different. We are called to understand this truth, that we each have different positions, different perspective and to submit to one another is to embrace this reality and not to push for our way being the right way.
Heb. 13:17
Obey your leaders, and submit to them; for they keep watch over your souls, as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.
Respecting the authority of difference around us will be a blessing to all of us.
Respect for Wives and Husbands
One of the most interesting things I have experienced is the multifaceted interpretation of the biblical instruction for a wife to “submit” to her husband and for a husband to “love” his wife. To submit in this context is a willing subjection, not to be “lorded” over, rather to understand perspective. God has given the husband a mantle of understanding from his role in a marriage. God has also given the wife a mantle of perspective. A mutual submission here is an understanding of respect that will set us free! It is not designed to place us into bondage.
For a wife to willingly subject herself to her husband is to understand that he may see what she doesn’t. To choose to allow him to walk in the position of husband and to support what God has put into place by His design is to respect the role.
The husband on the other hand, is equally called to respect the role of “wife”. To grasp that God has also given her a viewpoint that is to be heard and embraced, not fought against and resisted as though there is a supreme authority in the husband.
Eph. 5:33
Nevertheless, let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.
Through Jesus’ eyes
An acquaintance of mine, Tim Miller, once said, “When you look into the mirror and begin to see more of Jesus, the mirror will turn into a window and you begin to see what He sees – hurting people needing our kindness and respect.”
We must also see that there isn’t a “pecking order” in the kingdom of God. There isn’t a hierarchy, or someone who is bigger than or better than someone else. There are some who are more talented than others, or who have a different type of responsibility but this doesn’t mean that others are less significant, less valuable or those who have all the answers.
When the man who is cleaning up the office speaks to the President of the company about how his job of cleaning would be made more efficient if some things were handled differently, it would behoove the president to listen because he isn’t the one mopping the floors each night. The Janitor therefore is to be respected for his perspective. At the same time, the president may have knowledge about the budget that the janitor needs to hear and submit to as well.
Respect for time
Another way to respect is to value one another’s time. I have known some people who are habitually late for things. I am not talking about the situation where an unforeseen matter comes up that causes someone to be late, rather the person who just doesn’t get up in time or dawdles around to make them late. Being on time is something that is really important if we are to respect one another. Being habitually late may communicate to a friend that “our” time is more important than “theirs” and therefore they can just sit at the restaurant and look at the menu until we arrive.
Have you made a commitment to do something for someone? Than do it out of respect. Have you made a promise that you would follow through with something? Than make it happen – out of respect.
Respect for yourself
Always remember to respect yourself as well. Taking care of ourselves in our health, our rest and personal maintenance all affirms to us internally that we are worth respect. Sometimes we don’t receive respect because we aren’t communicating to others that we respect ourselves.
Developing healthy boundaries, healthy relationships, and allowing God to remove unhealthy patterns of behavior will all say that we respect ourselves. Saying no when we feel the need or conviction to do so will say “I am worth taking care of myself”.
Matt: 22:37-39
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.
Printable PDF – Respect
Tags: husbands, leaders, pastor, Respect, The Journey of Thomas, Wives
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Thursday, July 16th, 2009
By John J. Smid
Prov. 15:23
A man finds joy in giving an apt reply- and how good is a timely word
Prov. 16:24
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones
I love you! How many times in your life have you heard someone verbally say they love you? How often as a child did you hear your dad or mom say these words to you without shortening them to “luv ya”? Or did you hear this at all? I find that it can’t be said too much.
It is so important when showing the love of Christ to others that we develop an awareness of how much people need to know they are loved and cared for. Affirmation is so important and it is much more significant when it is attached to something specific.
John 13:34
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
God loves us, period.
God’s word here says basically two things: First, God loves us, period. Second, it says that we are asked to share that love with others through personally loving them.
This kind of love isn’t necessarily romantic, nor is it intended to be erotic. In our contemporary world, the word love is so misunderstood because it has so many meanings. The love shown here is a command that may or may not have a mushy, affection attached to it. It is the kind of love that we chose to give away. It may be very sacrificial! In fact, most people that we chose to love will likely bring us to a point of sacrifice at some point or another in our relationship.
Some of us have received a comment such as “good job” for things we have done well. Or maybe we have received kind words of thanks when we have given something to someone as a gift. And in some cases, we might have heard “I Love You” from unexpected places. But what about affirmation of whom we are as God has created us to be?
This love is not connected to performance!
I was at a weekly men’s support meeting at my church about 12 years ago. I was in a really tough spot and feeling a lot of self pity. One of my friends spoke emphatically to me about how I really needed to “get over it”. His words were true and I received them in the spirit in which they were meant. I was thankful for his response which was intended to somehow “shock” me into a better reality. But, at the end of the meeting my friend said, “John, maybe I was too hard on you and it might have been better if I had just told you, “I love you.” Wow! That was powerful for me to receive. I was moved to tears hearing this man spare his own machismo to tell me clearly and succinctly that he loved me.
One of the most meaningful kinds of love is unconditional love. This kind of love isn’t attached to what we have done or given, it is just that we are loved by God and as His children we are commanded to do likewise, love each other just because we are called to, because He loves them.
If you happen to be a parent, check to see how often you tell your kids, “we love you” as though you and your spouse are one person. While it is very important to be united and show you are a team, in marriage, it is also important to show your kids you are individuals too. Try to tell them you love them as a dad, or mom separately from one another. “I Love You!” There is a lot of meaning in a son hearing from his dad, “I love you, Son.” There is a lot of significance for a daughter to hear this from her dad or vice versa as well. The eye to eye, verbal, with personal contact, “I L O V E You” is very important.
This certainly doesn’t mean we are to avoid giving affirmations on behalf of a group or couple. Being sensitive to that is very important as well. Showing appreciation for someone’s involvement in our lives is equally important – however it may be easier because of less vulnerability involved.
The power of a poignant pause……
Think about it just for a minute. It can be very personal to enter someone’s day with an “I love you” that just hangs there and isn’t associated with a tradeoff nor does it expect something in return. This is the love of Jesus, His love for us without us giving anything in return and expecting nothing in the future. Sounds a lot like the Gospel, doesn’t it?
The Blessing – without it we may search in all the wrong ways to find it!
There is a book by Garry Smalley and John Trent called The Blessing which I have found teaches an important lesson on sensitivity. This little book is powerful and effective in showing us how to truly bless one another, not by affirming something we have done, but rather affirming the character that God built into us when He created us.
When blessing an adult child, as a parent, it is important to think of them when they were growing up. There are times when we are looking at our adolescent or adult children and a blessing is far from our minds. We may be really challenged by their lives or choices. But this may be the most significant time to share a blessing; at times when they may not feel they deserve even a kind word-much less a blessing.
What kind of person were they when they were 7 or 8 years old? What was their natural bent? How did they see their world or other people? This may have been a time before they were wounded or hurt by the world. It might have been a purer time in their life for their personality to have shone.
A blessing for them when they are grown would contain many of these characteristics within it. The same would apply to a child blessing their parent. Look back over your life and see if you can find things about their character that you can bless regardless of their current behavior.
Blessing people in general
Sometimes we have challenging relationships with others that might require us to dig deep for a blessing to be written or shared but it is possible if we put aside surface things we see and look for the positive character traits that we have observed over time.
As we learn to live honestly, entering into one another’s lives, we must learn to become more sensitive in regards to loving each other. This is not a perfect world and we are certainly not perfect people, but God asks us to love each other actively.
1 John 3:18
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
If we have been honest, put aside our rights for a special time, heard their hearts, and released our judgment, it becomes so much easier-maybe even natural-to sacrificially love someone else.
Physical Affirmation
I grew up without much physical affirmation. When I was a teenager I felt hungry for hugs. I thought this through and figured the easiest person to get a hug from would be my Grandma Smid. I was at her home and when we left I reached out and sought a hug from her. It was so well received; I thought “who would be next?” So one by one I reached out to other family members and found that when I hugged them, they typically responded with a warm hug in return.
Later in my life, I went too far with hugs. I lost all sense of healthy physical contact and moved into inappropriate physical contact and sexuality. When I was convicted to return to a healthier lifestyle those simple hugs didn’t seem to mean anything anymore. I was starved for the way it felt to hug my grandma but my excessive physical boundary crossing had damaged my physical receptors.
I was in a really good church where hugs were often given and I received them with resentment due to my unhealthy hunger for more. But over time, something amazing happened! As my flesh detoxified from the abuse of touch, I found that God had healed my failed nerve endings. Simple hugs, holding hands to pray, and a pat on the shoulder became a lifeline to my soul, healing many places that were damaged.
I never thought it would happen, but the hunger was finally satiated. Today, I give physical affirmation to others rather than trying to manipulate it from someone else. I realize how important physical touch is when it is healthy. I know how many may be starved for the touch of a trusted friend who isn’t looking for something in return.
Seeking permission to touch
I have also learned that some people may be wounded in such a way that touch may be something they can’t accept from someone they don’t know or without their permission. For some, physical touch can feel unsafe and potentially dangerous to their personal circumstances.
I learned that it was vital when at church, or in a social setting that if I don’t know someone I need to ask permission to hug them if it is healthy in that setting to do so. I also learned that there are safe ways for people of the opposite gender to hug. A safe “side to side” hug can not only communicate healthy physical touch but it can also communicate that I desire to protect them by not assuming they are comfortable with other types of physical hugs.
Learning sensitivity for others hearts, souls, and physical boundaries is vital in developing respectful relationships.
Printable PDF – Sensitivity
Tags: affirmatin, blessing, Love, Sensitivity, The Journey of Thomas
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Saturday, July 11th, 2009
Proverbs 11:13
A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
Prov. 25:9-10
If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man’s confidence, or he who hears it may shame you and you will never lose your bad reputation.
Prov. 12:14
From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him.
One Type of Gossip
I learned a valuable lesson a few years ago about gossip. There are two aspects to protecting one another’s confidentiality. The first pertains to what is commonly understood as gossip; it is our responsibility not to speak out of turn with regards to someone else’s story.
When someone shares something with us that is personal or when we become aware of something in someone else’s life that we intuitively know needs to be protected, we ought not to speak of it to anyone else.
There isn’t a better way to ruin the health of a relationship or the unity of a group of people than to talk about things we shouldn’t. I have added the word “protect” to the title of this topic because it brings to my mind the nature of my responsibility, which is essentially to protect someone’s “nakedness” in life.
When we become close to someone through really hearing their heart and through our own personal honesty connect to their story, it would be my hope that the natural outcome would be to be protective of them and not share their story out of turn.
I have listened, understood, and related and now I can actually put myself into their shoes and think about how I might want my personal story protected. Even as I write this I am thinking of someone I know who is going through a very hard time. I reflect back on times when I have struggled intensely with something very personal. I wonder how I would have felt if someone carelessly told my story without purpose or redemptive intent. I wonder if they would rather tell my story just to have something juicy to share with their friend.
A More Subtle Type of Gossip
For the last 30 years, my life has been a relatively open book. When I chose to go into a sin-filled lifestyle of homosexuality my family and friends all knew of my choices. I didn’t necessarily make the decision to tell everyone but in that situation, no one attempted to hide my choice or pretend in any way so as to hide their perspectives. Actually, this became a good thing in the long term. There was no information that was left unturned.
When I made a decision to leave my behavior and associations with it behind, that too was public information. Then for the next 25 years, my life became an open book to the public. There isn’t anything further to find out about me. All of the skeletons that could have been in my closet never moved behind the closed door. It has been pretty hard for someone to gossip about my life. There isn’t anything further to tell that I haven’t already publicly told. I find that quite freeing!
I have learned there is another aspect to gossip that is a bit more difficult to discern as such. Gossip can also be a pursuit of “untold” information. I find that when it is appropriate to share something about our own lives, then sharing enough pertinent information about the circumstances will actually slow down the temptation to gossip from others. When we hide things from those around us it is more likely there will be gossip.
I remember a time when a spiritual leader had fallen into sexual sin. The leadership of the church saw his repentance and felt the spiritual leading to have this man share his struggle and seek forgiveness with those in the sphere of his influence. Due to the fact he had sinned against them in his disobedience they had him share in front of his group. When this was done, the details were not kept to just “he has had a moral lapse” but rather, he shared that he had gotten into pornography and had committed adultery against his marriage. The leadership supported his desire to seek restoration and he was then prayed for and subsequently supported into his restoration.
The facilitator of the sharing time closed with this statement, “when you leave this place, don’t talk about anything you didn’t hear here” I was amazed at this because it was as though there was a release to talk, to process, to work through the effects, but there was a boundary set in place. “Don’t go digging for things you don’t need to know. You have all the information you need to deal with this appropriately!”
The outcome of this situation was a surprising lack of gossip within the circle of people involved! People were loving, supportive and went away with the questions in their mind settled. I learned that gossip often comes out of unanswered questions. It can be for some an attempt to seek answers but without honesty and authenticity this can become a breeding ground for gossip. The “did you hear about” pursuit often ends up in a fact-finding pursuit that leads to gossip.
Our Responsibility
We have two responsibilities here. The first is to not share things out of turn or to seek answers to our questions through the guise of “please pray for them”. The second is to live our lives with integrity, honesty and not seeking to falsely protect our reputation. Live in the light!
The biblical encouragement to confront sin in Matthew chapter 18 starts with the one on one confrontation of what has happened or is going on. If it becomes clear that the sin continues, scripture says to take two others with us. This would require telling someone about what is going on. This step has a spiritual responsibility to share the situation and if done with redemption in mind, is not gossip – that is unless you have the wrong motives.
The spirit of this lesson is to have a protective heart for others no matter what our relationship is. In building healthy relationships it is imperative to not speak out of turn. Some of the deepest wounding in our families and relationships come from not protecting one another’s hearts.
Proverbs 16:28
“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.”
Let’s become trustworthy people and build a strong supportive community so that when we have problems, we have a community to help.
When we have engaged in gossip
I struggle with my lips being too loose. One of the hardest things I have had to do is to go to someone and confess that I have said something out of turn. There is a lot of shame associated with gossip. This tells me in my spirit how much this hurts the Father and others. Gossip is listed in the same places as sexual sin, adultery, stealing and prostitution!
1 Cor. 6:9-11
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
So often we hear of the abomination of “bigger sins” and yet, slander is listed amongst them. Gossip is slander. It is engaging in conversation that would leave someone’s reputation in worse condition than before we spoke. I am speaking to myself here! I feel much conviction when I have spoken about someone negatively.
As I evaluate the times I have spoken out of turn I realize that I have often been feeling resentful, entitled or betrayed. I have been looking for validation or for someone to vent with instead of handling the situation with maturity and love. There have also been times when I have felt “powerless” to change someone else but instead of having a redemptive attitude or plan in place, it was just empty and unproductive “talk”.
A common passage on the tongue was written in the book of James.
James 3:3:-12
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
This passage tells me that without Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit, we will allow the tongue to control our lives and relationships.
© 2009 John J Smid
Please do not reproduce without permission
jjsmid@gracerivers.com
PO Box 382277 – Germantown, TN – 38183
Printable PDF – Protect Confidentiality
Tags: confidentiality, gossip
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Saturday, April 11th, 2009
Living From the Heart
by Sue DeRaad
Watch over your heart with all diligence for from it flow the springs of life.” Prov. 4:23
Let’s get real Ladies! My husband was the problem, right? I held life together at home, that was true, but I was the one who swept the dust under doorstep. He let me see the buildup of perfectionism, isolation, and rage in his life behind closed doors. But when stepping out, he insisted that our doorstep be the cleanest in town. I did what I was told, so we always appeared very well put together.
It was all very confusing for me because we were always best friends. There was a love between us that was very noticeable and real. The two lives just didn’t fit. I was feeling unloved by my husband, fear of rejection and abandonment, inadequate as a wife, and shame if anyone were to ever see what was under the rug on the doorstep.
I was so busy building and maintaining a false image of my children and marriage that I didn’t know who I was. A Christian from age 10, I had always been faithful and sought after God with as much of my heart as I understood to do so. I had a strong conviction of right and wrong, so I was obedient and was looked up to as a “woman of faith” both as a single woman and later as a wife and mother. I was all those things, yet I lost sight of who I was created to be. I lost the dream or maybe never had one.
I saw God only as the Heavenly Father to be feared. Christ was my plum line. Yes, I spoke of my Christianity as a relationship, but I didn’t really understand that kind of intimacy and that God, through Jesus Christ really desired relationship with me. He wanted to know me. He wanted to share life with me. He wanted to walk with me and talk with me, just like in the garden. Wow!
Not only did I have to get to know who I was as a person, but even more so as a woman. God created woman to offer something to man. Something that he needed. Adam and God walked in the garden together, sharing many things that only God and Adam would ever share, but still something was incomplete for Adam. A woman-a feminine heart!
What does that mean for me? It gives me great value! A feminine heart is valuable not just in a marriage, but in life, offering the deepest side of my heart which is God given, God created, to the world. The world needs what my heart in Christ has to offer! The relational side of God’s image!
Are you ready to trust God with truly living from your heart honestly? Here is an exercise that may help you to explore your heart with honesty (and relate these to yourself, not your husband and/or children):
List 10 things that bring you joy personally
List two of your greatest passions /dreams.
List two of your greatest fears.
List five of your deepest emotions that you feel right now and attach them to something:
I feel _______about _____________because________________
It is very important to live out who you are and being willing to take the risk. Is it time for you to be willing? God wants to share life with all of us-and that includes you.
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Tags: Sue DeRaad, Sue DeRaad's Blog, Women
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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
Come Walk with Me
by Sue DeRaad
“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” Genesis 3:8-10Genesis 3:8-10
“Come walk with me.” Those life-filling words became the still small voice ushering in the hope that filled my heart as I read Genesis, understanding for the first time that relationship was offered to Adam and Eve even after the fall in the garden gave me hope. God, being fully aware of their sin, offered relationship to them. His heart and purpose for us from the beginning was His desire for relationship with us, knowing us and knowing us intimately! Adam and Eve, having sinned and also being very aware of their disobedience, hid! But there, in Genesis 3:8-10, God in His great love for his children called out, “Where are you?” He said this already knowing where they were.
I hid too after my affair, so ashamed, yet feeling entitled to what little happiness I could find. After all, my husband hadn’t pursued me for years. He was hiding as well, in the snare of his own addiction. I felt ashamed and abandoned, so I chose to hide in a life that looked perfect, where no one would find me. But God knew where I was all along; He never gave up on me. He kept calling me to join Him, but I was afraid to come out. I didn’t want him to see the fig leaves I had attached to myself.
I hid in the shell of a woman who lived the part well. The “Godly” wife, a wonderful mom, a supportive daughter, a sister of three, active in our church and I (we) never lacked for friends. Our children were popular and active in sports. I appeared to have it all. Don’t get me wrong, I never saw my identity as false…I lived it so well that even I didn’t know that it wasn’t real! Is that called “denial?”
As a woman, I have a unique need for relationship and I have tasted and know that true intimacy with God is good! It is my desire to speak love, forgiveness and hope for a healthy and fulfilling future to both women and couples. Please meet me at Grace Rivers and let’s learn together. Come walk with me into a journey of exploring who we really are. Let me extend a hand as God pulls us out together from that hiding place that feels so safe. Do you hear His voice? Don’t worry if you don’t-you will-because He is calling you to “Come walk with me, my precious daughter.”
This journey will require stepping into the light as He lifts you up. Let me hold your hand along the way. We’ll take new steps together as you make your way back to yourself and the relationship God so longs to share with you.
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Tags: Sue DeRaad, Women
Posted in Grace Rivers Development, Helpful Advice, Sue DeRaad's Blog | No Comments »
Monday, January 5th, 2009
By Rev. John J. Smid
Hebrews 13:3
Remember those who are in prison as if you were their fellow prisoner and those who are ill-treated, since you also are liable to bodily sufferings.
When we minister to men and women who seem trapped in a cycle of negative choices, we must “become a fellow-prisoner” in order to really reach them and help them find freedom.
Lately, I have been hearing in various new reports about men and women who are “coming out” with regards to their homosexuality. In one recent story, the person happened to be the son of a nationally-known female Christian leader.
I heard one homosexual man comment enthusiastically that now this leader has been affected by homosexuality. She and her son had to make great efforts to counter the allegations that they may have a bad relationship. This man was apparently delighted to think that a Christian’s “mask” of victorious living was being torn down by the media.
Dishonest Christians
If you listen closely to the words and messages of the pro¬-gay people, they are actually complaining about our dishon¬esty as Christians. They are pointing out all the faults that they can find in an attempt to blow our cover. There is a basic mistrust of Christians based on a perceived plastic mask that is always smiling and rarely revealing our vulnerability or struggles with sin.
If you are honest you probably struggle with an area of unresolved sin in your life. Maybe you struggle with deeply seated shame or some area of an addictive cycle. Maybe you struggle with lust, greed, or sexual temptation. I don’t have to name the sin, you are probably well aware of the daily struggles you face.
Let’s look at this from another angle. Maybe you have a sin area that is already dealt with. Praise God for the victory! But are you free to talk about it? Or do you struggle with the fear that if someone finds out, your life with Christ will be discredited? Or that your reputation may be hurt with the closets of your past?
I don’t think a homosexual person is out of touch with his or her own areas of struggle. While involved in same sex relationships, I certainly knew I was experiencing relational break-downs and struggles with my own immorality. I knew I had problems in my life.
I found that I was more open to discuss this with those who were aware of their own struggles. I longed to find a place where I could release my burdens. But this didn’t happen with people who always seemed to have their life together.
I wasn’t about to reveal my ugliness to someone who seemed perfect. Actually I knew they were not really so perfect; I figured they couldn’t be trusted due to their masks.
Do you come from a past of divorce, drugs, and dysfunctional family issues? Do you have a permissive sexual history? Have you shared your story when you find someone is hurting from the same struggles you have? Do you share your shortcomings and failures? Do you struggle with feeling that you have to stand up to an image of “Christian perfection”?
Difficult Issues
When Sarah was active in the drug abusing lifestyle, she was walking through some very difficult issues, like the loss of her family and children through divorce. She experienced an emotional imbalance in her relationships. Sarah had always had a love for Jesus but was very confused about who God really was and how He related to her struggles. She secretly wished that she had a Christian to talk with about these things.
To learn that there was hope in the midst of her crisis would have been a breath of fresh air. Sarah thought that the only people with whom she could talk were stuck in the same mire she was. But she was really looking for someone who had a solution to her struggles.
Just about any Christian woman could have ministered to Sarah’s needs. A drug past wasn’t needed, but simply the ability to relate with another woman struggling with her identity and relationship with God. Any one of us could relate to those issues if we were totally honest with ourselves.
Isaiah 61:1 tells us that the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on us, because the Lord has anointed us to preach good news to the poor. He has sent us to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.
Have you experienced any freedom? Have you seen the prison door open on your own cell?
Deceived In Prison
You may be wondering why I am talking so much about your life in an article on how to help others who are trapped in sin. People ask us all the time how to minister to the person in their family or office who is gay. We get questions all the time about how to fight the battles with the pro-gay activists in the political realm.
I believe one of the strongest tools to minister that we have is our own honesty. Our testimony is vital in ministering to those caught in prison. As I mentioned earlier, the Christian mask breeds distrust and builds more prison walls around the very people we are trying to reach.
Do you feel a burden for those strug¬gling with sexual sin? God is holding us responsible to show them the way out of prison as we have been led out.
I was talking with a young man recently who was really struggling with a “secret sin.” Sam mentioned that he struggled with exaggerated lust and, even though he seemed quite uncomfortable talking with me, he was open. He said that he felt the freedom to talk with me because I had just spoken so freely about my past sins and current struggles.
Sam went on to talk about struggles with masturbation. It was the first time he had talked with anyone about this. I find this story very interesting, considering. Sam was not struggling with homosexuality like I had but he became open with me due to the fact I had been honest. Coming from a homosexual background, I have to see the value of my life in ministry to all types of struggles.
Hebrews 10:34 says “You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your prop¬erty, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.”
Are you willing to lose property, possessions, or your own reputation in helping someone else? Do you realize the eternal possession you have, your testimony of the freedom you have found with an abiding relationship in Jesus Christ?
Hebrews 13:3 says to remember those who are in prison as if you were their fellow prisoner and those who are ill-treated, since you also are liable to bodily sufferings.
The whole principle of this article is to recognize the prisoners and to know how valuable your prison story is to them, to realize how many people stuck in homosexuality could be helped if you could walk into their prison with them.
Think about a time when someone saw your pain and began to talk about how they could understand because they too had been hurt. Weren’t you freer to release your burdens with them?
Dreams That Reveal
I had a dream that so clearly illustrates what I am saying to you. In my dream, I was in a prison cell with several beds. It was such a fearful place to be that I didn’t want to do anything but lie in my bed under the covers. I remember thinking, if I could just have a stable roommate, someone familiar who could help me in this awful place, my life in prison would certainly be better.
But my roommates kept changing, leaving me very insecure. (This was similar to my experience in the homo¬sexual lifestyle, looking for one person to stay by my side.) Finally I asked why I was in jail, and the response shocked me. I was in prison for not returning a video to the rental store on time!
Although this may seem quite ridiculous, as dreams often are, the reason for my imprisonment was really important to what I was about to learn. God said that I needed to know what it was like to be in prison for something that seemed quite ridiculous.
Many people feel that their bondages are undeserved, unreasonable and sometimes feel entitled to freedom regard¬less of the crime.
The dream went on with other lessons to be heard. I kept asking to go home. “I don’t deserve to be here,” I said. In this dream, the next thing I knew, my earthly father came into my cell and said he had come to take me home.
What a great correlation with our Heavenly Father, the one Person who holds the key to our freedom. God doesn’t stand in some remote location with a special button with our cell number marked on it. He walks right into our prison cell to release us. He knows what it is like to be in prison. Think of all the prisons that Jesus endured while He walked the earth.
Dealing with Our Own Bondage
When we come to grips with our own experiences with bondage and sin, and when we are willing to share our experiences with others, we will see a breaking of walls between our lives and the lives of others still caught in bondage.
What is our closet? What walls still exist in our life? People want to know who we really are. Through our vulnerability and honesty, they will see true Christianity. When they see that they are not worse than us, they will feel much more able to share with us the hidden struggles in their lives. When they hear our honesty, they will begin to trust.
For example, people with homosexual struggles are no different then you and me. They have needs, emotions, fears, and desires. They go to work, love their friends, and pursue their hobbies. There is just a part of their lives that may have experiences from yours.
As you begin to look honestly at your own life and the willingness to open up to others, you will see the correlations between you and others, regardless of how different they seem.
Jesus spent a lot of time with “sinners” and others who really needed the Gospel message. Unfortunately, many of today’s church members are exactly the opposite, spending most of their time with other Christian friends. Will you follow Jesus’ pattern? In reaching out to others who are “different” from yourself-including those dealing with ho¬mosexuality? You will be influencing people’s lives for all eternity.
PDF – Listen To What They Say
© 2007 John J. Smid
Permission to reprint may be obtained by contacting:
John J. Smid
jjsmid@gracerivers.com
Grace Rivers Ministry
www.GraceRivers.com
PO Box 382277
Germantown, TN 38183
Tags: Article, Hebrews, john smid, Ministering to Others
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Friday, December 26th, 2008
I received this email from a friend of Grace Rivers in response to my recent Christmas Greeting and found that it closely related to questions I have had myself many times. I wanted to share this with you by permission.
Greetings John,
I was thrilled to read your Christmas note and the experience you shared at Opryland, and the testimony and example of Louise.
My wife and I have again been burdened by the Holy Spirit to consider the witness we are to others in word and example. As well as to consider how much emphasis we put on creature comforts and the niceties of things. As you know, with every facet to life we each live out a specific unique place on a spectrum. In comparison to someone whose life ambition is to make money, I might consider myself to be at a better place spiritually because my ambition for wealth is not as great.
However, in comparison to someone who is content living with unmatched clothes and dishes, I am challenged to wonder if I am in a more deceived place spiritually because of the ambition I have to give and create good appearances. I may buy things at Goodwill – great! But someone else might only buy the things they need, whereas I may buy a number of things I want. So much to analyze… but where deception hits us is when we believe we are aware of all the areas in which we are duped by Satan and the pleasures of the world.
We pray for sensitive hearts that the Lord will be our model, and that how we live, what we talk about, and the things we value will match up with the decisions and perspectives of Christ. And, that He would humble us to recognize the reality that even as insightful as we think we are, we are weak and frail and easily duped creatures who do not see as much as we sometimes think.
Thank you Friend for being so authentic with me. I read your comments and I am challenged similarly by monetary and things oriented living. I often look at my life when I pray for God to meet our needs and see that I have way more than I “need” already. With a closet full of clothes, a pantry full of food, a house larger than many that is full of furniture, I am already way beyond needing anything. Many of my needs stem from the need to keep up with the “things” God has graciously given me!
And yet, this is where God has led us. He has miraculously provided many of the things we already have. By His leading and provision, this is where we are. What is it like to be content, to want more, or to want less – for His kingdom? I find this line a very hard one to draw personally. Could I give more? Sure. Could I be more thankful for what I have? Yes. Could God want to give me more? Maybe.
All ends of spectrum enter my mind. Should I do with less? Should I ask for more, to enlarge my tent pegs? Should I be content with what I have, be it a lot, or a little? I am not sure that an answer to that question will actually come to pass and at this time, this is where I am. Scripture challenges me to be content with plenty, or little. I guess my goal should be to live where I am whether or not I will be here tomorrow.
Tags: Christmas, Christmas letter, content, God's will, needy, provision, wealthy
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Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
Have you ever thought about what home life might have been for the Prodigal Son before he ran off with his inheritance?
In my mind, there was likely a lot of discouragement, harsh words, disrespect, and family dysfunction going on. I can imagine that at the point where the prodigal walked out of the front door these words might have been a reality, “I am tired of living here. You are all crazy and to be honest I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to leave more than I do right now. Dad, give me my inheritance now so that I never need to come back here again.”
“Son, I am tired of your blaming me for all of your problems. I am sick of the way you come home and tear things up around here. I think our family would be a lot better off without you anyway. Here’s your money. Take it! Unless you change your life, don’t come back here.”
This was probably the end of a string of bickering, fighting, blaming, and all kinds of uncomfortable circumstances for the entire family. I’m sure they all felt some relief when he left. But as with most families, there is a love bond that won’t let up when the prodigal leaves. Sure in the beginning there was relief but in reality, the desire for a better family very likely brought this father to his knees quickly.
When the prodigal came home he was probably at the end of his rope too. He was tired of his own ways and the consequences of his actions weighed heavy on his heart. But he came home to a different dad. In his prayers at the end of the road God had entered his dad’s heart just as he had entered into the son’s heart.
It is at the quiet place in the storms of our lives that God changes things. I think that this dad did some changing. It is evident in the response he had to his son to bless him. I am sure that when his son left, the dad wasn’t in the blessing mood just as the son wasn’t in the honoring mood at that time.
Relationships often reveal our worst characteristics. It is in the grappling of relationships that God does some of his finest work! In the end, all benefited from the sin choices of each party. This is truly, everything working to the good of those who are called, and according to His purposes.
Tags: dysfunction, Families, Father, Prodigal Son
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Monday, December 8th, 2008
This is from an e-mail I received and I thought others may gain from the dialogue that occurred.
John,
Recently I’ve struggled in my thoughts like fantasizing about having sex with someone. In a lot of areas I’ve come up with my own coping skills and have done well, but maybe you might have some advice. I would see someone during the day and fantasize about being with them. Today when I see someone that’s attractive I either don’t look at them on purpose or I’ll actually go up to them and start a conversation and sometimes ask if they know Jesus to redirect my thoughts.
How do I stop fantasizing?
For men, fantasy is an ongoing struggle. As men, we are very driven by sexuality. This is common amongst all men. Fears of disapproval, failure, rejection and performance enter the picture on a daily basis and can be the root of our struggle with fantasy that is unhealthy and troublesome.
With so much hanging on us in our jobs and relationships there can be a lot of temptation to comfort our struggles in ways that ward off the challenging feelings for a moment or a season. We turn to whatever has worked in the past; be it gambling, working really hard, body building, buying the next gadget and for most of us it can be sexual pleasure.
I find that the best way to prevent actions that I will be ashamed of later is to find healthy places to talk with others, to vent my frustrations in healthy ways, to share my life with others who are honest as well. This helps me to not feel alone and to get out of my unhealthy head and actions.
It is so important to include the Lord in on the underlying struggles, not just the surface ones. Jesus wants us to trust him, to rely on him for our deepest needs. Just going to him with “I’m sorry I fantasized today” is just scratching the surface. Rather, “Jesus, I feel like a total failure today” is much more intimate and honest.
Chris, this morning, a long time friend of mine that I have worked alongside in many ministry situations opted out of my newsletter mailing list. I am very sensitive to rejection and immediately had feelings of retaliation, of rejection and I wanted to cut him off. I don’t know why he opted out of my mailing list but I guess I assumed due to our past he would be interested in my life and what was going on with Grace Rivers.
If I let this go it could build up alongside other daily relational situations that are disappointing or confusing for me to process. The end result could be seeking some kind of false comfort to try to ease the hurt.
So, in the end, it doesn’t work as well to just push aside the surface temptations as it does to find resolve with the deeper issues we face each day.
When Adam sinned, God’s response was to cry out to him for renewal in their relationship, “Where are you Adam?” So, I believe today God is crying out to you seeking your friendship. He wants to hear the deep things in your heart. It is important to live each day recognizing what those deep thingsare. Like I did today with my mailing list. It may sound like a lot of work but after a season it just becomes a part of “telling myself the truth” all throughout the day.
I believe that you will find a much easier time keeping lust and fantasy at bay if you are facing these other things regularly.
I hope this will help. I helps me to remind myself of them as I write them. I can forget to keep myself honest.
Tags: Fantasy, lust, sexuality, temptation, truth, victory
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