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End of the Year Message from John

Friday, December 18th, 2009

Dear Friends,

As we celebrate the birth of Jesus, I cannot help but be thankful for His life and transforming power in our world. It is his personal touch and intervention that brings me hope; not only for myself, but for the many whose lives He will touch deeply.

This year God has taken me deeper into understanding the true meaning of Grace. He has challenged my critical spirit that can rise up when I am feeling fearful or insecure. He has continued to transform my life by shaving off the portions that do not reflect Him.

I have enjoyed spending rich time in fellowship with others who are seeking God’s love in their lives. I have been privileged to know men who are lonely, some who are recovering from a life challenge, a few who just need a listening ear and some that are there for mutual support and encouragement.

My wife and I have had a precious time of renewal in our relationship from an intentional time away with each other. At 21 years of marriage, we were long overdue for a tune up.

It has been encouraging for us to walk alongside the Lord in such a way as to seek Him each day for His provision, His leading, and His plans. I can think of many times I have been at the end of my rope and found myself searching in His Word for hope, an answer, or to know Him better.

Writing the Journey of Thomas has been none other than a miracle in and of itself. To think that I would write a book was clearly foreboding, but God devised a plan through which He would surprise me! Low and behold, when I compiled all of the sections that were written, the basic material was there! I hope it is published this coming year.

I worked as a car salesman for a short period of time. It was surreal for sure. I was willing, and thought I understood the plan God had for me in working there but within two weeks, God surprised me again and showed me His heart – for mine and His willingness to allow me to pursue my dreams for a life of ministry. I am thankful that I was only there for two weeks!

At the end of this year, it is my desire to remain thankful. Just a couple of years ago, God opened my heart and my eyes to see that He wanted to free me to follow a new dream that seemed so unclear. He challenged me to be willing to go wherever He might lead me. My wife and I are at that place. We have agreed to keep our hearts in a “Whatever Lord!” place. It is both exciting and fearful for us for sure. But, at this moment the dream seems to become a little clearer. This next year will surely be interesting.

We hope that your new year will be filled with the knowledge of the Love of Christ in a very personal way. Our prayers go out for you and those you love.

A very Merry Christmas, and a blessed New Year!

 

John J. Smid

Executive Director

 

Tags: Development, Grace Rivers Development
Posted in Get Into John's Head, Grace Rivers Development, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

The Journey of Thomas – My Own Journey – Truth

Thursday, August 13th, 2009

 

 

by John J. Smid

 

Job 20:20-22
Surely our foes are destroyed, and fire devours their wealth. Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart.

 

 

My wife and I have gone through a huge transition during the last year and a half. When we made the decision together that I should resign from Love in Action-a ministry position that we had both invested our hearts and souls in over the previous 22 years-it was a major change for both of us, and even more so for me.

 

My Internal Evaluation

In the process of leaving I had to do a lot of internal evaluating; this required a lot of personal honesty and authenticity. I had to dig deep into my heart regarding my motives, my weakness and my strengths. It was imperative that I left with my heart as honest as it could be and to feel clear about my real motives regardless of what the circumstances at the time looked like. It was easy for me to vacillate at a very emotional level. For all intents and purposes it could have looked like I was leaving a conflicting situation in hopes I would find relief and a new beginning but that was not the real truth.

 

 

Five years earlier God had truly begun to change my heart. He dug around in there to see if my involvement with the ministry I was in included an idolatrous place in my life. I was certainly deeply invested. I had received much affirmation for what I had been doing all through the years but as I searched my heart I did not believe it was an idol for me in that sense of the word.

 

 

Something much bigger was happening and it was quite a move of the Lord. After I began to seek him for changes that I knew could unearth me from 22 years of investment, I found a new excitement, a hope in something that was quite different for me. This was the true beginning of Grace Rivers and I had begun a new journey for myself. I didn’t know what lay ahead but I began to wonder what it might look like. As I pondered these changes in my heart I tried to figure out a way to incorporate these new things where I was serving, but that didn’t seem to gain any momentum.

 

 

The Tearing Began

This is where the trials began. Things surrounding my connection with this ministry seemed to be shaking loose. Much of the shaking looked like the man on the roof with the pronged shovel tearing old shingles loose might look from the street. It was rough to go through and at times terrible to experience. But none the less, the ties began to break and I found myself losing my heart connection to the ministry.

 

 

After a couple of years of confusion, shock, misunderstandings, and personal and internal battles it became apparent that God was tearing me away literally one finger at a time while I struggled to hold on out of fear that I may not survive outside of where I was. After all, who would be interested in me? I didn’t have a college education and certainly the ministry I was serving was quite narrow in focus and often controversial. So, what would I have to offer another ministry or corporation? How would I make a living?

 

 

I also looked back over twenty years earlier. I worked for the Union Pacific Railroad for 13 years. It was a secure job with great pay and benefits. Many I worked with often wondered if they could survive outside of their job since it paid so well and their qualifications might not get them a job like that. So, I wondered the same thing. Where could I go to get this kind of a job. Maybe I have to stay here forever because certainly I couldn’t get this anywhere else. So, I felt trapped by my circumstances.

 

 

I realized that I had gotten to the same place in the ministry. Where would I go? Could I survive leaving this ministry position? I once again began to feel trapped by my circumstances thinking surely I couldn’t get this kind of position anywhere else. The deception in my own heart was a stronghold. Thinking I had nothing to offer another ministry or corporation since I was so “under qualified”. After all, I didn’t have a college degree or a resume’ that anyone would find useful outside of this narrow focused ministry I had been in for so long.

 

 

After another year of tearing away I got to the place where it appeared that I really had no option if I wanted to remain healthy personally and to leave before everything exploded internally. So, my heart had changed to the point where I began to ask the Lord to free me or I was going to go crazy. I got back to my roots in my faith where I prayed deeply and simply, “God, lead me out of here”.

 

 

Ok, I’ll Go Along With You God

Once the decision was made in my heart I did feel relief but at the same time the change had not occurred. In the meantime there was even more turmoil that was more challenging than anything I had gone through before. The last of the fingers had to come off.

 

 

When I walked through the decision I began to pray differently. “What do you have for me now God? Make it a surprise!” I didn’t want to contrive my future and truly wanted it to be built by Him. I wanted His best. If I was going to leave this 22 year investment then my future had to be His best. I hadn’t a clue what that might look like. I laugh now thinking that I might be able to contrive it anyway. With my history it wasn’t like I had this wonderful experience that would cause churches, ministries, or corporations to beg me to come to work for them!

 

 

Surprises? I want to know more.

God did in fact begin to surprise me. Week after week I saw this process like I was opening Christmas packages one at a time. I knew that whatever was in them would be good but until they were opened I didn’t know the content. One surprise after the other felt like dropping breadcrumbs that were leading me down this mysterious path of discovery. Day by day I released more and more of the past I had lived in, because I saw such wonder in the new challenges that were present and that lay ahead.

 

 

Today

John Smid will be selling cars. Talk about surprises! Who would have known 18 months ago that I would be working at a Toyota dealership? I didn’t ask for this. I never would have set my sights on this as an income stream.

 

 

As I adjust to the idea I am getting somewhat excited about it. There are many things about this job that fit my interests. The hours will allow some scheduling that coincides with continuing to build Grace Rivers and work on The Journey of Thomas. I look forward to working with some people again since I have been primarily alone in my office all year. I like the managers I have met so far.

 

 

Surprising to me, they saw my resume’ as a positive thing. “John, you completely fit the profile that we are looking for. We believe you will do very well with this job.” You mean my history and resume doesn’t disqualify me? You mean it is a positive? Well, there goes another lie I believed. It was cancelled right before my very eyes.

 

 

Honesty

The Journey of Thomas began in my life before I ever even thought of the idea. I had been building the concepts of Honesty and Authenticity on a very personal level. What am I feeling? What is really going on in my heart of hearts? If I had not been more personally honest I might have slammed a few people along the way from the deception if it had set in. During the process of the earthquake in my vocational life, I had to continually evaluate the circumstances and filter them through what I knew was really happening, rather than to blame my circumstances and expect the people around me to be what they were not.

 

 

Authenticity

If I had not focused on whom God created me to be I could not have trusted Him as much as I did through the process. As I rocked and rolled through the changes I had to keep coming back to who I was rather than what I had done. What makes up John Smid? What do I really want to do with my life? During this time I found that I had discovered a personal mission statement that really wasn’t new but had led me all through the years. While I was working in a narrowly focused ministry, a much more widely applicable mission was moving in my heart. This personal evaluation of my own authenticity saved me and others from a lot of grief for sure.

 

 

Transparency

Then, the idea of Transparency became a reality. Am I willing to say “Whatever Lord” upon my new life choices? Am I really willing to allow Him to surprise me? Is the element of surprise a positive thing? Actually it has been. Being willing to move wherever He wanted me to, added a wonderful journey to this last couple of years of my life. I learned that when I was flexible in my heart I could then ponder the mysteries of my future.

 

 

When my wife and I were on a cruise and had landed in Turks and Caicos in the Caribbean I had just begun to open up my heart to the Lord’s changes. I thought, “What would it be like to come here and start a brand new mission to reach the spiritual needs of this virtually bankrupt island?” My wife wasn’t so keen on the discussion but I was becoming free to begin a brand new life, walking in the freedom of the Lord using me, as I am, however He chooses to. Transparency had a brand new meaning for me and I was finally open to a new adventure.

 

 

The Truth!

Yes, I want to learn more each day to live in the truth because that is where I have found some of the answers to the question, “Where are you going Lord, and how do I get there.” It is a great place to be.

 

 

My Journey continues…………. Come along with me.

 

 

Application Principles

Having a more honest perspective on our life, our motives, and our potential can and will help to prevent relationship struggles and consequences. It will also help in our connection with the Lord. Seeing His perspective allows us to trust Him more fully.

 

 

I have often heard some refer to the added “beatitude” Blessed are the Flexible. Actually, “Blessed are the Meek” fits this quite well. Meek in this passage really means in its original language accepting God’s dealings with us as being good.

 

 

Being honest can help us to accept God’s dealings with us more fully and with less stress and outward manifestations of sinful responses. Honesty is good “preventive” medicine!

 

 

Prayer

Oh, father, I am so thankful for Your working in my spirit today. As I look back over the last five years I can truly be thankful that You saw a bigger picture than I could have imagined. In Your love and care for me You saw into the future something that I would truly enjoy and embrace even when it wasn’t on my radar screen. Help me to continue following You more deeply into the close and distant future.

 

PDF My Own Journey – Truth

 

Tags: Authenticity, honesty, My Own Journey, The Journey of Thomas, Transparency, truth
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Grace Rivers Development, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas | 1 Comment »

The Journey of Thomas – Our Own Journey

Saturday, August 8th, 2009

 

by John J. Smid

 

Followers of Jesus Christ – Impacting our communities with the gospel!

 

As I think of the main purpose of The Journey of Thomas, I find myself continually coming back to what started all of this in the beginning. My heart changed a while back and a new burden developed for the lost, the wayward, those who are not connected to healthy fellowship or the Lord at all. I was comfortable in a ministry to Christians seeking God for a better life. I didn’t think so much about those who were lost assuming that was someone else’s burden and that God was taking care of that. When I thought about sharing Jesus with the world I discovered some adverse feelings.

 

Does sharing the gospel with others scare you?

 
When you think of talking about your faith do you want to run away?

 
Are some of your family relationships so tangled up that you can’t imagine talking with them about Jesus?

 
Is your schedule so full that you can’t take any more time out for those that seem to be lost?

 
Can you picture yourself building friendships with people who at one time were enemies to your walk with Christ?

 
Do you think sharing the gospel requires a lot of Scripture memorization and training in a specific program of evangelism?

 

Have you more often thought the gospel was for those called into evangelism?

 

 

I hope that as you read these questions, you already sense an awareness growing in you that the practical applications of the Core Values counteract these concerns. Perhaps you are already seeing how Active Participation, or being Non-judgmental, or practicing Transparency and Respect cause the underlying timidity in these questions to fade away. I hope that what is left is the truth that you have the tools necessary to be competent in personal evangelism. And in that truth, a growing desire to reach out to a lost and dying world.

 

As I have made further examination of these teachings, I see that growing in my life. Recently I was talking with a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a couple of months. As I shared my heart with her I found a passion coming out of my mouth. “We must get out of our church buildings and into the world!” The Journey of Thomas can help make that possible in your life.

 

In The World?

Several months ago a friend of mine accepted a position as a photographer for an independent movie project here locally. I offered to help him with his equipment. I thought it would be interesting to be involved and I went with a great deal of curiosity. As it turned out, this was a production about urban life in the “hood”. I was very uncomfortable at the beginning because we met in places that were unfamiliar to me and with people that I prejudged to be different from me. I remained quiet and just began to take it all in.

 

Very quickly I could see that God had something more in store for me. I began to experience kindness, acceptance, and overall friendliness from virtually everyone involved. I was humbled by their overwhelming acceptance.

 

Within a week God began to work deeply in my heart. I began to lose my preconceived view of these people. I still noticed a difference in color, but not as much of a difference in them. I felt free and open to speak and relate to those I might come in contact with in a new way.

 

Ironically-but not coincidentally-this was all occurring during the session I wrote for this book on Authenticity. I found that I wasn’t being very authentic with the people I was spending virtually every day with on the movie set. I felt convicted to go to share this with the Director of the film. I needed to be more authentic with him in order to share with him who I really am inside. My own personal journey was about seeing these people like Jesus does and to reveal myself to them. I found that my role there had less to do with the movie and more about the people and relationships. It became a challenging and yet encouraging experience.

 

I began to see my walk with Christ in a new way. I had been inside a lot of churches, heard many teachings, and shared rich fellowship over the years. Now I was experiencing my true faith walk quite a distance from those church walls. There was something very exciting about being in the “real world” God was revealing to me.

 

Looking Outside Our Walls

Can we serve Jesus fully if we remain comfortable within our own buildings? Will the Great Commission be fulfilled simply by inviting people to church? If we put more of our effort on how we greet visitors than reaching the lost, we are likely to attract many more “church jumpers” than new believers in Jesus Christ.

 

Our Journey-the one that you and I are being invited to-is about building relationships with those in the “real world”. Since these relationships will potentially be with people we are not used to being around, we need live a life more honest, authentic, and transparent. We need to become more actively involved in their lives, less judgmental, and protecting their confidentiality. We need to become more sensitive, respectful, and honoring of them as people!

 

What? You Want Me To Be a Friend of His?

Another part of my own journey began a few years ago. I was confronted with protestors standing on the sidewalk in front of the controversial ministry I was directing. They were picketing our youth program and were stirring a lot of media to action. They were also being antagonistic towards us and to me in particular. One of the protestors was filming the event to produce a documentary with a clear agenda to change what he believed was wrong.

 

After a few weeks had passed he requested a meeting with me. I reluctantly said yes, and went into the meeting with some hesitancy.

 

Once the meeting began I found him to be quite different than I expected. He was quite warm and engaged in an honest and transparent dialogue. He was very easy to talk with. I found he was nothing like what I expected him to be. His honesty was disarming and the conversation was actually comfortable. To put it simply, I liked him.

 

We have had many more meetings over the years.. We have enjoyed getting to know each other and he admitted to me that he found me to be different than he expected as well. We have shared with each other that we actually found a friendship that we appreciated.

 

Our relationship has taught us both a lesson. Don’t judge a book until you have read it! Yes, we have differences. But in the end, our differences are not the focus of our friendship. I have learned a lot from him. My life is richer from knowing him. He has opened my eyes to see the world very differently. I see Jesus’ calling on my life to see the world as a place where He wants me to be. He has called me to reach out, to be in the world around me while not being of it. And another special outcome from this is that the documentary he intended to be an expose’ on the ministry he was opposed to has changed its purpose. It has now become a documentary about two men from opposite points of view on something who developed a friendship.

 

I have several new friends now that are different than me and may not have the same spiritual or social convictions that I do, but I like them and learn from them. I hope they like me too.

 

None of these relationships would have been possible without an intentional application of the lessons taught through the Journey of Thomas. As his journey becomes our journey, we will learn to see others as Jesus sees them.

 

Springs Of Living Water, As Unto Salvation

 

The ravaging of the church occurs continually over doctrinal disputes, congregational splits, and denominational fracture. The unfortunate result is the undermining of the Body and distraction from the Great Commission. And yet there are springs of living water as unto salvation coming up from the sidewalks of our cities. The springs are full of life but many Christians are without the tools or experience to know what to do. How can we respond to the needs that are so apparent? I would suggest maybe we should look for people we feel inspired to get to know on a more personal level.

 

A lady told me recently that her greatest burden was to reach the tattoo crowd. Well, I am not sure what she meant by her description of the people that she wanted to reach, but in her heart was a growing burden.

 

How will she reach the people she has a burden for? Are they going to come through the doors of a church? Chances are she will have to go to them. She may have to find a new hobby, a new club, or a new place to hang out. She may have to be willing to face ridicule or misunderstanding; it might not be comfortable at first. But I believe that as the grace of God empowers her to go where He sends her, she will find some great new friends, discover God’s purpose on her life, and build an incorruptible treasure in Heaven.

 

The Great Commission has to be in the streets of our neighborhoods and communities. It might be in a bridge club, or a hobbyist club. It might be at the PTA, or Neighborhood Association. You might find God calling you to play in a secular band, or audition for a community theater. Or, it might just be your next door neighbor that He calls you to serve with sacrifice of time or resources.

 

This is something I would love to see the Body of Christ move towards! So many organized churches plan a place whether they see it or not, that is a “bless me club” including a well organized sermon, entertaining highly technologically developed music, donuts, coffee, meals and programs for children and teenagers. But, will you find the lost there? Unless we are intentional about our pursuit into the world, we will find ourselves far too comfortable in our surroundings and a lost and dying world will be left untouched.

 

What would happen if we let ourselves get into the streets of our lives and gathered together for refilling, and to process our experiences? I believe we will find that Christ will lead us into the world if we let Him. As we become faced with our own life experience and that of our peers, we will likely need Christ desperately! Rather than protect ourselves in a church program, we can empower ourselves towards inspirational living. Imagine our churches replacing programs with preparation towards ministry, teaching us what it means to be in the world, but not of the world?

 

Where is Your Mission Field?

 

Another friend of mine is a DJ artist. He loves Electronic House Music. He had a gig at a local club and invited several of his friends to come. Wanting to bless my friend by showing my support of his talent and interests, I went. It was at a midtown club that was in my view, an unpleasant environment. The event was smoky, loud, and involved all kinds of people that seemed incompatible with this grandfatherly guy.

 

When he asked me later what I thought, I had to be honest and tell him that at first I couldn’t understand why he would be in such an ungodly environment. But after I evaluated my own life I thought about the movie production that was also very ungodly and smoky, and unattractive. But God gave me the grace to be there because it was about building relationships and reaching others with what I have experienced myself. I have experienced the love and grace of a forgiving God who cares deeply for my life. It is my desire to share this with others. I wasn’t of the world, but I sure was in it!

 

My friend has a tremendous burden for the people that come to experience Electronic House Music. They respect him and that is a mission field for him. I am now very supportive of his burden and pray for his outreach to be very successful!

 

Where is your mission field? Are you feeling a burden for a place where you might be called by God?

 

God is calling you to share His grace with others

 

A lady I know had a dad who owned a prominent gay bar in San Francisco. He was Jewish and the men whom he got to know from the gay bar would come into their home. She would ask her dad why he did that, knowing he didn’t agree with the practice of homosexuality. His response was, “Dear, we have our own standards that we live by but we cannot expect the world to know them or live by them. My responsibility is just to love and respect them”. This lady grew up to become a very committed and spirit filled Christian. It was a lesson in her life that drives her to this day.

 

Is it overwhelming for you to open your eyes to see the real needs right around you? You can close your eyes, but it doesn’t remove the need. It is easier for me to go to “church” and hear the nice music and to receive the friendly Sunday morning hellos and hugs from my friends than it is to go into the streets and expose my heart in a real world.

 

I believe the Journey of Thomas has the tools and principles that will relieve our fears, motivate our desires, and help us to keep healthy boundaries that will be necessary to reach the lost for Christ. I also believe it will alleviate some of the pitfalls that discourage us from reaching out.

 

I hope you will join the Journey.

 

Printable PDF – Our Own Journey 

 

 

© 2009 John J Smid

Please do not reproduce without permission

jjsmid@gracerivers.com

PO Box 382277 – Germantown, TN – 38183

 

Tags: our own journey, The Journey of Thomas
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Grace Rivers Development, The Journey of Thomas | 1 Comment »

The Journey of Thomas – A New Life, John J. Smid’s Story

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

 

 

Printable PDF – John Smid’s Journey Testimony

 

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice, He heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

 

“John, you need to know Jesus! We are Christians and we want you to know that you need Him. I know all that you have been involved in and that doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you accept Jesus into your life.”

 
My head spun around several times while listening to these two girls. I had known them for a long time. We graduated from high school together. It was two o’clock in the morning and I had stopped by the local pancake house with my friends after our night at the bar but I wasn’t ready for what I heard that night.

 
This was a different experience for me. I had never heard anyone speak about Jesus that way much less from these two girls. What had happened in their life to bring about such a dramatic shift? Well, I didn’t really take the time to find out-I just wanted out of there. I went to a table where my friends were and they had all gone. I felt abandoned and insignificant since they didn’t tell me they were leaving or even to say goodbye! Maybe they heard some of the conversation and were scared too!

 
This was the first time for me to experience what many call “evangelical Christianity” but it wouldn’t be the last. I guess this was the hammer and chisel that would start the crack in my hardened life to spread. A short time later I changed offices at my job and found myself sitting right behind another lady. She was quite friendly and very energetic about life. It was apparent that she was connected to most of the other people working near us as she laughed with them, talked with them and yes, she was also very excited about something else – Jesus!

 
Pat took a different approach than I had experienced in the pancake house. She was friendly and interested in other people’s lives. She quickly found out that I was recently divorced from my first wife and was living a pretty active party life. I talked about going to the bars, being out with friends and that I was pretty happy with my new found freedom from my marriage. Oh, I told her about my two children and tried to seem excited about that too but in reality, I didn’t know much about what was happening with my daughters because I had other priorities.

 
Pat had things all over her desk that were evidence of her priorities. She talked about her own divorce, her past life of alcohol and partying around. She talked of her upbringing in a Catholic family. I related to that quickly as I too had grown up Catholic. We now had common ground. Her experience with the bars and such as well as our religious background became common conversation.

 
Now, about those things on her desk; magnets, books, pamphlets, and a worn Bible were all very present. A worn Bible? What is that? I thought you needed to protect them because they were special. Pat told me otherwise. I remember her telling me how she wrote in it and used it every day. That seemed so foreign to me that I kept asking her about this Bible she seemed to feel so special about. She gave me answers as she could.

 
But I mostly remember that Pat didn’t seem to be all that interested in my weekend life. She also didn’t seem shocked by it-seemingly since she had been there herself.

 
After a few months and our relationship became more comfortable, she said she wanted me to meet a friend of hers. His name was Jerry. I don’t remember where or how we met but it seemed that Jerry was a lot like Pat. He too was friendly and was up front about having been through a lot of stuff in his life like I did. Like Pat, he seemed to be real, and easy to talk with.

 
“John, there is a group at my church that I’d like you to meet. They are a singles group and this weekend they are having a social time. There will be food and these people aren’t scary. Why don’t you come?”

 
I was curious by this time. I was also not doing so well myself. I had experienced many painful disappointments in my relationships that I wasn’t really sharing with Pat, or her friend Jerry. I didn’t want to admit that my life wasn’t going so hot. But, in reality, I was looking for something different.

 
I didn’t go to the group that she was talking about but it remained in my memory as an option if things got worse, which they eventually did. Instead, my first attempt to get help came through an invitation to an al-anon group. My friends said there were “better” people there than I had been hanging around. Well, my lust and pain came together and I was motivated to attend this group.

 
“Hello, my name is Cindy, John. I can relate to what you just said. I have been there myself and I understand. I found help in praying the Serenity Prayer.”
What? REAL help in praying? Well, I needed real help. Cindy’s expression of common ground once again motivated me. She understood! Maybe I should try her prayer! The next Sunday I was going through the lowest of lows and feeling suicidal. I got out the prayer she mentioned and began to repeat its words. Something grabbed me that day; something very different. I felt relieved of some of the pain I was feeling. Could it have been the prayer? Could God have been listening to me? Is He real?

 
One particular night on which I was struggling, Pat called to talk with me about something. She heard my struggle and said, “Jerry and I are coming over”. They came to my house and talked with me for a while and offered to pray with me. I remember how accepted and loved I felt that this lady and her friend cared enough to go out of their way to show me their concern and their support.

 
I started to ponder the events I had experienced concerning God, Jesus, religion and my life. Maybe there is something to this Jesus thing that I heard at the pancake house. These people that I had met seemed energized about their experiences with Jesus. They also have had trouble in their lives and they didn’t seem as afraid to talk about it as I was.

 
“Pat, maybe I’ll go to one of those “social events” you spoke about. Is there anyone there like us?” She gave me directions and I went to someone’s house and there were lots of people there eating, laughing, and talking. I felt really strange there largely because I didn’t know anyone. But, Pat was right, they were having fun and it was apparent that their life was different than mine and yet, the same.

 
I went back to my life and friends and tried to make it again. I was determined that I was going to succeed with my plans. After all, I didn’t give up a family, marriage, and my children for nothing. I was invested in my decision – and being right! For a while it went better but not for long. I found more pain, more discouragement, and my pride wouldn’t let me go further in talking about it openly.

 

 

Pat had often invited me to her church. She explained that it was different than maybe the ones I had experienced. There was hand clapping, lively music, and it wasn’t like our common Catholic background. She also said that I wouldn’t have to go alone and that she would meet me there and maybe Jerry would be there as well. Well I was up for something new and interesting so I finally decided to go. The day before I had bought some new shoes and clothes for a special “date” with a new friend I had gone on. I got these new clothes out to wear to church. Hum, that sounded weird, church. I am going to church!

 
I sat on the aisle and before the service, the pastor, John Walker, was walking down the aisle and stopped at my seat. “Hello, I am Pastor John Walker, you have a beautiful yellow sweater on. What is your name?” Oh, if he’d only known what happened in that sweater the night before. But, I enjoyed the compliment and that he took the time to introduce himself.

 
I wasn’t ready for any more church for a while. I had to process what I had experienced. I enjoyed it; well as much as I could, considering how strange it was for me. At the same time in my life there was another person who was excited about Jesus. She was the sister to someone that I had been involved with. Her name was Jeannie.

 
My friend told me Jeannie was a “Jesus Freak” and that she lived differently than we did. After all, I was engaged in immoral sex with my friend and Jeannie knew that was the case. She didn’t seem to make that a big deal. We would eat at her house and enjoy her funny sense of humor and friendliness.

 
One week, Jeannie called me to invite me to her church. She said they were having a revival. What? What in the world is a “revival”? Well, here we go again, something strange to experience. I guess I’ll go. I didn’t die from the last church experience I had. Maybe this will be equally interesting.
I surely wasn’t prepared for what would transpire this night.

 
I went in, sat down with her and entered into one of the most life changing events I had ever had. I do not know what was said from the front or who I was sitting next to but I clearly heard something in my head. “John, you don’t have to live this way any longer.” What? Who said that? Well, it wasn’t quite that shocking, but it was life changing, no doubt.

 
The voice continued on, “John, go and ask Laurie to go to dinner with you.” Laurie was a friend from a community theater I as a part of. I didn’t know her very well but she was a nice girl and really friendly. So, that night I went home and called Laurie. She said yes! So, Friday we’re on for dinner.

 
In our discussion Laurie was as friendly as I had hoped. She was also honest about her life. Well, you guessed it, Laurie was also a Christian. There were other things we had in common. Laurie was also divorced. But there was something even more important that came out that evening. Laurie’s first husband was gay. If you haven’t guessed it already, so was I. I had made quite a deep investment in a decision to leave my family and live out my life as a gay man with other gay men. I was searching for common ground, understanding, and for sure I wanted to feel heard by someone who knew what it was like to have life like mine.

 
This was quite the shocking experience. God must have known. Did Jesus really see my life from the inside out? Even more significant, did Jesus hear the cry of my heart? I can’t make sense of all of these people who I met with excitement about this Jesus, but is it true? Can something about my life significantly change? The voice said that I had a choice. That voice said I could live life differently and that the deep pain I had been experiencing could go away.

 
The girls, Pat, Jerry, Jeannie, Laurie, all had something in common. They seemed to have a relationship with Jesus and weren’t afraid to talk about it. But they had something else in common. They freely talked about their life stories. They told me about the mistakes, the pain, the choices, and the freedom they had all experienced. They were all real people with real life issues and seemingly had found a real Jesus that understood and accepted them.

 
After meeting with Laurie I had experienced enough of this Jesus that I began to look into this phenomenon. Pat gave me a $3 paperback Bible. I began to read it. It was really quite interesting, since I was reading it for the first time like a book, rather than chapter and verse references. I began to understand my life was broken from the beginning and I was in need of someone greater than myself who could rescue me. I found out that the gospel was not a religion, but it was a gift to John Smid from a living Savior to offer me eternity with Him.

 
My life did in fact begin to change. My priorities were different now. The change was slow and clumsy. One of the first decisions was to find another man that would love me that also was a Christian. That wasn’t hard. I met a man named Paul that fit the bill. On our first time together alone he told me he loved me and that he was a Christian. He taught at Christian school, no less. He was a great guy. But I wasn’t so great. Our relationship became as tumultuous as all of the others because I was so conflicted and torn I didn’t know how to relate to this guy.

 
The pain continued as if my life were on a pendulum swing. Up, down, up, down, up, down-and I was becoming even more troubled. What should I do now? I had been praying a simple prayer daily. “God, get me out of this.” On February 10, 1984 I made the bests decision of my life. I called my current partner at the time and told him that I was leaving the relationship – for good. We had broken up many times before but this time something was different. I really meant it.

 
The next week I attended the weekly gathering of those single folks that I had met the year before. I thought maybe they could help me and replace the friends that I was leaving behind. They did. They came through with flying colors. I continued on with their weekly group and I even went to that church every Sunday. It didn’t seem so strange to me anymore. I grew in understanding of their faith, their relationship with each other, and their Jesus. I had become like those girls four years earlier. I was now the excited one about what I had found in Jesus.

 
That was a long time ago. A lot has changed in my life for sure but it began with a few people who were willing to share their life with me. These folks had something in common that has stuck with me through the years. They were vulnerable, honest from their hearts, and weren’t afraid to tell me about their lives-including their mistakes and shortcomings. I wasn’t a project to be completed; rather I felt like a person they desired to know. Someone they cared about but weren’t trying to control or condemn.

 
It isn’t so strange that I would feel the burden to write about some core relationship values that might help us reach those that are hurting or lost. The values in The Journey of Thomas reflect what helped me in those trying years of my life. The people who reached out to me practiced them unknowingly. They weren’t using a systematic approach to reaching me. They were just being themselves. With God’s help, they didn’t hide underneath a false religion. They didn’t separate themselves from me as though they had arrived to some higher plane of living.

 
Each of them knew their shortcomings and they lived in the grace of a loving God. They just wanted me to know the Jesus they had met because He had loved them “while they were yet sinners”.

 
I am thankful that the Lord allowed me to marry again. I was married to Vileen in 1988. My two daughters have grown into mothers and I have three grandchildren. As I look at my grandkids, I recognize each day that the gifts that were shared with me those many years ago have now transcended into a second generation of life! I certainly wouldn’t have been married to Vileen if it weren’t for those loving people who cared enough about me to share their Jesus with me. I do not believe I would have hardly any relationship with either my daughters or my grandkids if it weren’t for Christ saving my life and changing my path.

 
I am not sure I really know how to thank each person who has had an effect on my life through their own honesty. The numbers are far too great to share with each one of them. Some of them have gone on to other places and I am not sure I could even locate them. I do have friendships with some of them and I try to often tell them how much their lives have meant to me. I may have some that I haven’t adequately thanked.

 
This is my new life that remains new every day. His mercies are new every morning for sure. I need Jesus today just like I did all the years before but didn’t know it. The only difference is that I know Him now and can call upon Him freely. I also recognize His grace not so much for the sins I commit every day because I know those were forgiven before I even thought to commit them. I recognize His grace for my humanness! The fact that I was born into a sinful, broken world requires His sacrifice at the cross for my eternity.

 

In the end, my greatest thanksgiving goes to Jesus Christ for His salvation that came upon our brothers and sisters from the beginning that is passed down generation to generation. This is my story. Well, part of my story. There isn’t enough paper to contain all of it. Each time I think back over my life, there are many more things to say about Jesus and me.

 

 

As you can imagine, Jesus drew me to Himself through letting me know that He heard me. He understood my plight and joined with me for life. He forgave me, freed me from bondage, and continues to work with me to change my life one day at a time.

 

© 2009 John J Smid
Please do not reproduce without permission
jjsmid@gracerivers.com
PO Box 382277 – Germantown, TN – 38183

 

Printable PDF – John Smid’s Journey Testimony

 

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The Journey of Thomas – Honor

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

Romans 12:10
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

 

We have gone through 8 other Core Values which bring us to Honor. We began with Honesty, and have ended with Honor. I think it is very interesting to see the “H O N” at the beginning of each of these book end topics of this series.

 

One meaning of the word Honor is to engage in “public esteem”. To honor someone is to reflect respect and value to them in a public fashion. In the King James Version it says “in honor, preferring one another”.

 

When we have learned how to be internally honest, to rid ourselves of false images and pretense, and opening our lives up to God’s plan and purposes; something changes inside our character. At this point we move into other’s lives more intentionally, becoming less judgmental with them and hold their lives with confidentiality.

 

From this point we move into learning how to love them sacrificially just because we are commanded to and therefore we value them as God does. We learn how to see things in their lives that are worth affirming even if we don’t agree with other aspects of their life.

 

I have experienced several times lately a natural movement towards public honor. When I have seen beneath the surface of a person’s life and find their human heart to beat just like mine I have good things to say about them when I tell others the story of our meeting.

 
I recently received this poem that sums up our series:

 

Shoes in church

 

I showered and shaved I adjusted my tie. I got there and sat in a pew just in time. Bowing my head in prayer as I closed my eyes I saw the shoe of the man next to me touching my own I sighed.

 

With plenty of room on either side, I thought, ‘Why must our soles touch?’ It bothered me, his shoe touching mine but it didn’t bother him much.

 

A prayer began: ‘Our Father’…. I thought, ‘This man with the shoes has no pride. They’re dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!’

 

‘Thank You for blessings,’ the prayer went on. The shoe man said a quiet ‘Amen.’

 

I tried to focus on the prayer but my thoughts were on his shoes again. Aren’t we supposed to look our best when walking through the door? ‘Well, this certainly isn’t it,’ I thought, Glancing toward the floor.

 

Then the prayer was ended and the songs of praise began. The shoe man was certainly loud and proud as he sang. His voice lifted the rafters and his hands were raised high. The Lord could surely hear the shoe man’s voice from the sky.

 

It was time for the offering and what I threw in was steep. I watched as the shoe man reached into his pockets so deep. I saw what was pulled out and what the shoe man put in. Then I heard a soft ‘clink’ as when silver hits tin.

 

The sermon really bored me to tears, and that’s no lie. It must have been the same for the shoe man for tears fell from his eyes.

 

At the end of the service; as is the custom here we must greet new visitors, and show them all good cheer. But I felt moved inside somehow and wanted to meet the shoe man.

 

So after the closing prayer I reached over and shook his hand. He was old and his skin was dark and his hair was truly a mess. But I thanked him for coming, for being our guest.

 

He said, ‘my name’s’ Charlie I’m glad to meet you, my friend.’ There were tears in his eyes but he had a large, wide grin.

 

‘Let me explain,’ he said, wiping tears from his eyes. ‘I’ve been coming here for months and you’re the first to say ‘Hi.” ‘I know that my appearance is not like all the rest’. ‘But I really do try to always look my best.’ ‘I always clean and polish my shoes ‘before my very long walk. ‘But by the time I get here they’re dirty and dusty, like chalk.’

 

My heart filled with pain and I swallowed to hide my tears. As he continued to apologize for daring to sit so near. He said, ‘when I get here I know I must look a sight.’ ‘But I thought if I could touch you then maybe our souls might unite.’

 

I was silent for a moment knowing whatever was said would pale in comparison I spoke from my heart, not my head.

 

‘Oh, you’ve touched me,’ I said ‘and taught me, in part; ‘That the best of any man is what is found in his heart.’ The rest, I thought, this shoe man will never know. L

 

ike just how thankful I really am that his dirty old shoe touched my soul. (author unknown)

 

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The Journey of Thomas – Respect

Friday, July 24th, 2009

Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

 

Rom. 14:3
Let not him who eats regard with contempt him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats, for God has accepted him.

 

The term “respect” can mean many different things for different people. Here are some definitions to help us enter into this subject on the same basis of understanding:

 

1. Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.
2. The condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.
3. To hold in esteem or honor: e.g.” I cannot respect someone who does that”.
4. To refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person’s investment or time.

 
I am going to use two definitions from the list above, number “2″ and number “4″. God has given an intrinsic value to each of us. To respect what He has created without judgment is to agree with God’s assessment of value to His children.

 

I would also like to call attention to learning to value one another through maintaining commitments and paying attention to one another’s time and resources.

 

Esteeming Actual Value

Respect is a practical way of esteeming actual value. When we were created, God spoke into our lives a value that is not negotiable no matter what the world says or does. Just because we were treated poorly or we’ve acted poorly this did not remove or change our actual value. By respecting others we are communicating to them that they are worth whatever God says they are without regard to what they’ve done or based upon the world’s perspective.

 

When I was on a television program with others that were outwardly contrary to my way of thinking I learned a valuable lesson about relating to them. One man in particular was very outspoken and at times rude and the audience was cruel towards him in return. I watched what was happening and found the words “respect doesn’t have to agree” enter my head.

 

I was reminded of Jesus going through extensive insults and abuse and yet there was a respect that came out of His life that was hard for me to understand. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”.

 

Rom. 14:1
Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions.

 

When I consider others that I might be tempted to disrespect in my own mind, I must admit that I do not always know or understand their history, their life circumstances, or their heart. How do I know what may be underneath their opinions? Without listening to them, I won’t.

 

I have all too often been mistaken in my outward assessment of where others are at. Maybe a person was appearing to be unconvinced of something I would deem immoral. It is entirely possible that they may be seeking for freedom and deliverance from a habit right at that time? Weak in their faith could mean they are on the same road I am, just at a different place along “their” road than I can see.

 

Respect for one another’s choices

I learned a valuable lesson in respect when our country went through a very challenging election in 2008. The country was divided over race, moral values, and certainly political concerns. How did each of us make a decision as to whom we were going to vote for? Each of us had our own reasons for our choice. I am certain that we could argue our own points that we would want others to agree with. Maybe we felt threatened by the differences that were at stake. But in the end, who is right? Well, from a Christian standpoint, God’s word tells us that He selects the person of His divine choice no matter what my opinion might be.

 

I heard that a close friend of mine, who happens to be African American, was going to attend the inauguration of Barak Obama in Washington D.C. After the event I asked him how it went. His comment was heartening to hear. He said, “John, it was all worth it when I saw the tears on my dad’s face”. So much went through my mind when I heard about his experience. I know nothing of how it feels to be African American in our country. I haven’t walked the path that so many have. I absorbed someone else’s experience in my heart through their words.

 

There are so many who had strong opinions about Obama vs. McCain. Their lives, their personal experiences, their values are something I need to respect. I would do well to listen to the roads they have travelled, the reasons for their convictions, and to hear their hearts regardless of which side they may have been on. My opinions are not any more important than anyone else’s. Yes, there are absolutes in God’s Word but there is also much room-as acknowledged in Romans 14:3-for personal freedom or conviction. Sometimes we just don’t know the bigger picture. In the end people have their own perspectives and we must respect their right to think and act as they choose.

 

Learning from difference

I found that I could learn a lot more about life if I would practice listening to others even if they disagreed with my position. Once I saw value in the differing opinions I saw them as food for thought and I began to learn. I heard someone once say that you learn from listening to your worst critic. I believe this can only be the case if you are willing to hear what they are saying with respect, and then you may find yourself growing in wisdom and in perspective.

 

Respecting one another has to do with pushing down our own pride and gaining a perspective for others that Christ may want us to see. Jesus loves everyone equally; He sees things in our lives and hears things in our hearts that we cannot always see and hear for ourselves. Respecting others will require us to see deeper into each other and look for what God sees.

 

Respect for authority

I remember sitting at a picnic table with some friends of mine. I was upset about some things going on in our church and was speaking negatively about the way our pastor was running things. My friends challenged me by saying, “John, God has not made you the pastor”.

 

I quickly did an evaluation of the truth of their words. I didn’t sit in his chair, his office, nor did I see things from his perspective. I was not right to assume I fully understood his reasoning for the decisions he had made. God had called me to respect his position, not because it was greater than mine, but because I was called to submit to his perspective, and that I didn’t know it all.

 

This didn’t mean that I was less than, or “underneath” him. Rather, there was an intrinsic difference between my view and his. When Ephesians 5:21 says to “submit to one another”, scripture is saying that we are not above or below one another, rather just different. We are called to understand this truth, that we each have different positions, different perspective and to submit to one another is to embrace this reality and not to push for our way being the right way.

 

Heb. 13:17
Obey your leaders, and submit to them; for they keep watch over your souls, as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.

 

Respecting the authority of difference around us will be a blessing to all of us.

 

Respect for Wives and Husbands

One of the most interesting things I have experienced is the multifaceted interpretation of the biblical instruction for a wife to “submit” to her husband and for a husband to “love” his wife. To submit in this context is a willing subjection, not to be “lorded” over, rather to understand perspective. God has given the husband a mantle of understanding from his role in a marriage. God has also given the wife a mantle of perspective. A mutual submission here is an understanding of respect that will set us free! It is not designed to place us into bondage.

 

For a wife to willingly subject herself to her husband is to understand that he may see what she doesn’t. To choose to allow him to walk in the position of husband and to support what God has put into place by His design is to respect the role.

 

The husband on the other hand, is equally called to respect the role of “wife”. To grasp that God has also given her a viewpoint that is to be heard and embraced, not fought against and resisted as though there is a supreme authority in the husband.

 

Eph. 5:33
Nevertheless, let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

 

Through Jesus’ eyes

An acquaintance of mine, Tim Miller, once said, “When you look into the mirror and begin to see more of Jesus, the mirror will turn into a window and you begin to see what He sees – hurting people needing our kindness and respect.”

 

We must also see that there isn’t a “pecking order” in the kingdom of God. There isn’t a hierarchy, or someone who is bigger than or better than someone else. There are some who are more talented than others, or who have a different type of responsibility but this doesn’t mean that others are less significant, less valuable or those who have all the answers.

 

When the man who is cleaning up the office speaks to the President of the company about how his job of cleaning would be made more efficient if some things were handled differently, it would behoove the president to listen because he isn’t the one mopping the floors each night. The Janitor therefore is to be respected for his perspective. At the same time, the president may have knowledge about the budget that the janitor needs to hear and submit to as well.

 

Respect for time

Another way to respect is to value one another’s time. I have known some people who are habitually late for things. I am not talking about the situation where an unforeseen matter comes up that causes someone to be late, rather the person who just doesn’t get up in time or dawdles around to make them late. Being on time is something that is really important if we are to respect one another. Being habitually late may communicate to a friend that “our” time is more important than “theirs” and therefore they can just sit at the restaurant and look at the menu until we arrive.

 

Have you made a commitment to do something for someone? Than do it out of respect. Have you made a promise that you would follow through with something? Than make it happen – out of respect.

 

Respect for yourself

Always remember to respect yourself as well. Taking care of ourselves in our health, our rest and personal maintenance all affirms to us internally that we are worth respect. Sometimes we don’t receive respect because we aren’t communicating to others that we respect ourselves.

 

Developing healthy boundaries, healthy relationships, and allowing God to remove unhealthy patterns of behavior will all say that we respect ourselves. Saying no when we feel the need or conviction to do so will say “I am worth taking care of myself”.

 

Matt: 22:37-39
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.

 

 

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The Journey of Thomas – Sensitivity

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

By John J. Smid

 
Prov. 15:23
A man finds joy in giving an apt reply- and how good is a timely word

 

Prov. 16:24
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones

 

I love you! How many times in your life have you heard someone verbally say they love you? How often as a child did you hear your dad or mom say these words to you without shortening them to “luv ya”? Or did you hear this at all? I find that it can’t be said too much.

 

It is so important when showing the love of Christ to others that we develop an awareness of how much people need to know they are loved and cared for. Affirmation is so important and it is much more significant when it is attached to something specific.

 

John 13:34
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

 

God loves us, period.

God’s word here says basically two things: First, God loves us, period. Second, it says that we are asked to share that love with others through personally loving them.

 

This kind of love isn’t necessarily romantic, nor is it intended to be erotic. In our contemporary world, the word love is so misunderstood because it has so many meanings. The love shown here is a command that may or may not have a mushy, affection attached to it. It is the kind of love that we chose to give away. It may be very sacrificial! In fact, most people that we chose to love will likely bring us to a point of sacrifice at some point or another in our relationship.

 

Some of us have received a comment such as “good job” for things we have done well. Or maybe we have received kind words of thanks when we have given something to someone as a gift. And in some cases, we might have heard “I Love You” from unexpected places. But what about affirmation of whom we are as God has created us to be?

 

This love is not connected to performance!

I was at a weekly men’s support meeting at my church about 12 years ago. I was in a really tough spot and feeling a lot of self pity. One of my friends spoke emphatically to me about how I really needed to “get over it”. His words were true and I received them in the spirit in which they were meant. I was thankful for his response which was intended to somehow “shock” me into a better reality. But, at the end of the meeting my friend said, “John, maybe I was too hard on you and it might have been better if I had just told you, “I love you.” Wow! That was powerful for me to receive. I was moved to tears hearing this man spare his own machismo to tell me clearly and succinctly that he loved me.

 

One of the most meaningful kinds of love is unconditional love. This kind of love isn’t attached to what we have done or given, it is just that we are loved by God and as His children we are commanded to do likewise, love each other just because we are called to, because He loves them.

 

If you happen to be a parent, check to see how often you tell your kids, “we love you” as though you and your spouse are one person. While it is very important to be united and show you are a team, in marriage, it is also important to show your kids you are individuals too. Try to tell them you love them as a dad, or mom separately from one another. “I Love You!” There is a lot of meaning in a son hearing from his dad, “I love you, Son.” There is a lot of significance for a daughter to hear this from her dad or vice versa as well. The eye to eye, verbal, with personal contact, “I L O V E You” is very important.

 

This certainly doesn’t mean we are to avoid giving affirmations on behalf of a group or couple. Being sensitive to that is very important as well. Showing appreciation for someone’s involvement in our lives is equally important – however it may be easier because of less vulnerability involved.

 

The power of a poignant pause……

Think about it just for a minute. It can be very personal to enter someone’s day with an “I love you” that just hangs there and isn’t associated with a tradeoff nor does it expect something in return. This is the love of Jesus, His love for us without us giving anything in return and expecting nothing in the future. Sounds a lot like the Gospel, doesn’t it?

 

The Blessing – without it we may search in all the wrong ways to find it!

There is a book by Garry Smalley and John Trent called The Blessing which I have found teaches an important lesson on sensitivity. This little book is powerful and effective in showing us how to truly bless one another, not by affirming something we have done, but rather affirming the character that God built into us when He created us.

 

When blessing an adult child, as a parent, it is important to think of them when they were growing up. There are times when we are looking at our adolescent or adult children and a blessing is far from our minds. We may be really challenged by their lives or choices. But this may be the most significant time to share a blessing; at times when they may not feel they deserve even a kind word-much less a blessing.

 

What kind of person were they when they were 7 or 8 years old? What was their natural bent? How did they see their world or other people? This may have been a time before they were wounded or hurt by the world. It might have been a purer time in their life for their personality to have shone.

 

A blessing for them when they are grown would contain many of these characteristics within it. The same would apply to a child blessing their parent. Look back over your life and see if you can find things about their character that you can bless regardless of their current behavior.

 

 

Blessing people in general

Sometimes we have challenging relationships with others that might require us to dig deep for a blessing to be written or shared but it is possible if we put aside surface things we see and look for the positive character traits that we have observed over time.

 

As we learn to live honestly, entering into one another’s lives, we must learn to become more sensitive in regards to loving each other. This is not a perfect world and we are certainly not perfect people, but God asks us to love each other actively.

 

1 John 3:18

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

 

If we have been honest, put aside our rights for a special time, heard their hearts, and released our judgment, it becomes so much easier-maybe even natural-to sacrificially love someone else.

 

Physical Affirmation

I grew up without much physical affirmation. When I was a teenager I felt hungry for hugs. I thought this through and figured the easiest person to get a hug from would be my Grandma Smid. I was at her home and when we left I reached out and sought a hug from her. It was so well received; I thought “who would be next?” So one by one I reached out to other family members and found that when I hugged them, they typically responded with a warm hug in return.

 

Later in my life, I went too far with hugs. I lost all sense of healthy physical contact and moved into inappropriate physical contact and sexuality. When I was convicted to return to a healthier lifestyle those simple hugs didn’t seem to mean anything anymore. I was starved for the way it felt to hug my grandma but my excessive physical boundary crossing had damaged my physical receptors.

 

I was in a really good church where hugs were often given and I received them with resentment due to my unhealthy hunger for more. But over time, something amazing happened! As my flesh detoxified from the abuse of touch, I found that God had healed my failed nerve endings. Simple hugs, holding hands to pray, and a pat on the shoulder became a lifeline to my soul, healing many places that were damaged.

 

I never thought it would happen, but the hunger was finally satiated. Today, I give physical affirmation to others rather than trying to manipulate it from someone else. I realize how important physical touch is when it is healthy. I know how many may be starved for the touch of a trusted friend who isn’t looking for something in return.

 

Seeking permission to touch

I have also learned that some people may be wounded in such a way that touch may be something they can’t accept from someone they don’t know or without their permission. For some, physical touch can feel unsafe and potentially dangerous to their personal circumstances.

 

I learned that it was vital when at church, or in a social setting that if I don’t know someone I need to ask permission to hug them if it is healthy in that setting to do so. I also learned that there are safe ways for people of the opposite gender to hug. A safe “side to side” hug can not only communicate healthy physical touch but it can also communicate that I desire to protect them by not assuming they are comfortable with other types of physical hugs.

 

Learning sensitivity for others hearts, souls, and physical boundaries is vital in developing respectful relationships.

 

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The Journey of Thomas – Protect Confidentiality

Saturday, July 11th, 2009

 

Proverbs 11:13
A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.

 

Prov. 25:9-10
If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man’s confidence, or he who hears it may shame you and you will never lose your bad reputation.

 

Prov. 12:14
From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him.

 

One Type of Gossip

I learned a valuable lesson a few years ago about gossip. There are two aspects to protecting one another’s confidentiality. The first pertains to what is commonly understood as gossip; it is our responsibility not to speak out of turn with regards to someone else’s story.

 

When someone shares something with us that is personal or when we become aware of something in someone else’s life that we intuitively know needs to be protected, we ought not to speak of it to anyone else.

 

There isn’t a better way to ruin the health of a relationship or the unity of a group of people than to talk about things we shouldn’t. I have added the word “protect” to the title of this topic because it brings to my mind the nature of my responsibility, which is essentially to protect someone’s “nakedness” in life.

 

When we become close to someone through really hearing their heart and through our own personal honesty connect to their story, it would be my hope that the natural outcome would be to be protective of them and not share their story out of turn.

 

I have listened, understood, and related and now I can actually put myself into their shoes and think about how I might want my personal story protected. Even as I write this I am thinking of someone I know who is going through a very hard time. I reflect back on times when I have struggled intensely with something very personal. I wonder how I would have felt if someone carelessly told my story without purpose or redemptive intent. I wonder if they would rather tell my story just to have something juicy to share with their friend.

 

A More Subtle Type of Gossip

For the last 30 years, my life has been a relatively open book. When I chose to go into a sin-filled lifestyle of homosexuality my family and friends all knew of my choices. I didn’t necessarily make the decision to tell everyone but in that situation, no one attempted to hide my choice or pretend in any way so as to hide their perspectives. Actually, this became a good thing in the long term. There was no information that was left unturned.

 

When I made a decision to leave my behavior and associations with it behind, that too was public information. Then for the next 25 years, my life became an open book to the public. There isn’t anything further to find out about me. All of the skeletons that could have been in my closet never moved behind the closed door. It has been pretty hard for someone to gossip about my life. There isn’t anything further to tell that I haven’t already publicly told. I find that quite freeing!

 

I have learned there is another aspect to gossip that is a bit more difficult to discern as such. Gossip can also be a pursuit of “untold” information. I find that when it is appropriate to share something about our own lives, then sharing enough pertinent information about the circumstances will actually slow down the temptation to gossip from others. When we hide things from those around us it is more likely there will be gossip.

 

I remember a time when a spiritual leader had fallen into sexual sin. The leadership of the church saw his repentance and felt the spiritual leading to have this man share his struggle and seek forgiveness with those in the sphere of his influence. Due to the fact he had sinned against them in his disobedience they had him share in front of his group. When this was done, the details were not kept to just “he has had a moral lapse” but rather, he shared that he had gotten into pornography and had committed adultery against his marriage. The leadership supported his desire to seek restoration and he was then prayed for and subsequently supported into his restoration.

 

The facilitator of the sharing time closed with this statement, “when you leave this place, don’t talk about anything you didn’t hear here” I was amazed at this because it was as though there was a release to talk, to process, to work through the effects, but there was a boundary set in place. “Don’t go digging for things you don’t need to know. You have all the information you need to deal with this appropriately!”

 

The outcome of this situation was a surprising lack of gossip within the circle of people involved! People were loving, supportive and went away with the questions in their mind settled. I learned that gossip often comes out of unanswered questions. It can be for some an attempt to seek answers but without honesty and authenticity this can become a breeding ground for gossip. The “did you hear about” pursuit often ends up in a fact-finding pursuit that leads to gossip.

 

Our Responsibility

We have two responsibilities here. The first is to not share things out of turn or to seek answers to our questions through the guise of “please pray for them”. The second is to live our lives with integrity, honesty and not seeking to falsely protect our reputation. Live in the light!

 

The biblical encouragement to confront sin in Matthew chapter 18 starts with the one on one confrontation of what has happened or is going on. If it becomes clear that the sin continues, scripture says to take two others with us. This would require telling someone about what is going on. This step has a spiritual responsibility to share the situation and if done with redemption in mind, is not gossip – that is unless you have the wrong motives.

 

The spirit of this lesson is to have a protective heart for others no matter what our relationship is. In building healthy relationships it is imperative to not speak out of turn. Some of the deepest wounding in our families and relationships come from not protecting one another’s hearts.

 

Proverbs 16:28
“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.”

 

Let’s become trustworthy people and build a strong supportive community so that when we have problems, we have a community to help.

 

When we have engaged in gossip

I struggle with my lips being too loose. One of the hardest things I have had to do is to go to someone and confess that I have said something out of turn. There is a lot of shame associated with gossip. This tells me in my spirit how much this hurts the Father and others. Gossip is listed in the same places as sexual sin, adultery, stealing and prostitution!

 

1 Cor. 6:9-11

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

 

So often we hear of the abomination of “bigger sins” and yet, slander is listed amongst them. Gossip is slander. It is engaging in conversation that would leave someone’s reputation in worse condition than before we spoke. I am speaking to myself here! I feel much conviction when I have spoken about someone negatively.

 

As I evaluate the times I have spoken out of turn I realize that I have often been feeling resentful, entitled or betrayed. I have been looking for validation or for someone to vent with instead of handling the situation with maturity and love. There have also been times when I have felt “powerless” to change someone else but instead of having a redemptive attitude or plan in place, it was just empty and unproductive “talk”.

 

A common passage on the tongue was written in the book of James.

 

James 3:3:-12
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

 

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

 

This passage tells me that without Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit, we will allow the tongue to control our lives and relationships.

 

© 2009 John J Smid
Please do not reproduce without permission
jjsmid@gracerivers.com
PO Box 382277 – Germantown, TN – 38183

 

 Printable PDF – Protect Confidentiality

 

Tags: confidentiality, gossip
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The Journey of Thomas – Non-Judgmental

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

Matthew 7:1-5

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when at the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

 

“Arthur, I have been really struggling with something I did recently that I just can’t seem to shake. I don’t know what happened but when I talked with Sarah yesterday it seemed that I made things even worse for her. She failed her test at school and I studied with her and knew she could have passed. I tried to help her but in the end, she went away in tears.

 

“Well, Jim, you just need to understand, these things happen and your daughter is responsible for her own failure. She should have studied more. You probably shouldn’t have studied for her like it seems you did. You know what the Bible says about those things, “Each man should bear his own load.” Your daughter is responsible for her own grades. She is old enough now for that.”

 

(Gosh, maybe I am really a bad dad and have made more mistakes than I thought I did.)

 

What just happened? Jim started out the conversation seeking Arthur’s camaraderie and friendship in something that was troubling him. His friend quickly became a teacher and with arrogance just shut him down. I am certain Arthur didn’t intend on hurting his friend Jim. But in the end, Jim may have just needed a friend to listen; instead he got a teaching session and a Bible scripture to boot!

 

No questions or active listening here. It is almost as though this friend had a script memorized ahead of time, ready for bear. Arthur’s answers were plastic, empty and prescribed instead of empathetic or caring towards his friend.

 

When I Listen….

When I look into someone’s life with sincerity-listening to their heart with mine-it is very difficult to be judgmental about their choices or circumstances. However, when I put myself in the role of detached instruction I likely devalue their life experience or perspectives on challenging issues.

 

All too often I can get into my “better than you” stance and look down on others as though somehow I have the definitive answers to life’s problems and questions. I must remember that I may see outward circumstances and may have my own opinions on things, but I cannot see their heart with full clarity.

 

Of course, this passage from Matthew does not negate our ability to make “sound” judgments and to make appropriate decisions about things that we encounter. Instead, this kind of judgment means to assume the office of “Judge” in someone’s life.

 

There is only one judge, and that is Jesus Christ! When we face His judgment we will be assessed fairly and with perfection so who are we to think that we can do that? It’s when we express this attitude that the world turns to us and says, “Don’t judge me”. When they see us with a “holier than thou” attitude their comments are often accurate about us. They are telling us the truth – we can be arrogant about what others do or think and it isn’t right for us to have that attitude.

 

I can quote the second part of this scripture like this, “Oh, here, little one, let me fix your problems since I don’t have any of my own, I can sure help you out here.” Meanwhile I am using this situation to distract myself from the gashing wound that may be present in my own life.

 

So, how do we learn to be more non-judgmental? By working diligently to evaluate our own lives truthfully. Then we are more likely to have compassion towards others and stop pointing our accusing fingers. We build towards this process as we become honest with ourselves. When we see we are capable of the same shortcomings, we can then see ourselves as fallible as everyone else. When we realize we are attempting to “cast the first stone”, we lose our power as accusers.

As we grow less judgmental our relationships will very likely improve. Our decision to assume the office of “Judge” does nothing more than to build walls and barriers with others. Personal honesty gives us the ability to better see our walls so we can begin to tear them down.

 

Teachy-Preachy Communication

Another concept of learning how to relate to others in a healthier way is to put down the proverbial pointing finger in our communication. This “teachy-preachy” way of communication is very prideful and off-putting and it may prevent relationships to flourish. It is with this “closed ears” posture that people feel invalidated and dominated. The “I know better than you” attitude that comes through parent/child style of communication between adults can invalidate a person’s heart and therefore produce walls between us.

 

Can you remember a time when someone pulled out the visible or invisible finger pointing, telling you what to do, or using the “I know what you need” kind of communication? How did you feel? Maybe feeling small or insignificant comes to mind? Or, did it just bring about feelings of invalidation, or intimidation for you? Certainly this is not going to be fruitful.

 

I am thankful that there are people who have walked the road ahead of me and have learned some life lessons that will help me. However, when I am trying to sort through my feelings or pour my heart out, I don’t handle someone telling me what to do or how to do it very well. There will be a time later when I am ready to hear wisdom from someone’s life experience and my ears are situated to hear it.

 

Covering Up My Own Insecurities?

I believe that teachy-preachy communication has closed more relationships off than many other communication errors we can make. I recognize that there have been times when I have gotten into teachy-preachy responses because I began to feel uncomfortable with overwhelming reactions and I just didn’t know what to do. So, instead of learning how to find a sense of peace with someone else’s sorting out process, I tried to fix them and their problems by all the things I know will help. In the end, I don’t think I helped them at all.

 

Bible Bullets

As Christians, we can be so quick to bring another bible passage to the conversation. So often when we find ourselves with a challenging situation with a friend or family member, we can default to some seemingly wise repeating of a bible scripture. I have heard these referred to as “bible bullets” and it sure can communicate an underlying message – “here, let me shoot you with this”! Maybe that will kill off the terrible choices you are making or about to make.

 

If the person isn’t a Christian, then I am reminded that the unsaved man doesn’t understand the things of the Spirit. (I Cor. 2:14) If the person is a Christian, the heat of a challenging conversation is really not the best time to bring out a Scripture. I have learned the best thing we can do in that situation is listen and wait for the right time for our own spiritual input to be relevant. A good time for this might be when they ask.

 

There is certainly a place for God’s holy, inspired Word to be shared. There are teaching moments and situations that provide the best venue to bring Scripture into a situation. But this must be discerned with wisdom and typically only after a person feels valued and heard by us as members of the Body of Christ. Then we might see a better receptivity for some of our best scriptural insights to be shared.

 

This doesn’t let us off the hook! The practice of personal honesty is work. There are times when we look at another person’s life; the splinter we see in their eyes can call us to be reminded of the logs in our own eyes. This humbling experience is just that – an opportunity to regain some honesty in my own life.

 

What will we do when we see someone troubled? What about someone who has just made a terrible mistake? And what was our response to the store clerk that didn’t help us like we would have liked. Or the church friend who has just slammed the reputation of someone we love.

 

Our response is one of humble evaluation of our own lives so that first of all we understand that if we haven’t done it, we may be tempted to do it or we may end up doing the very same thing we are critical of someone else doing.

 

I try each day to live with this in mind; the fact that I am breathing today, is God’s grace on my life. In my imperfection and humanness, I deserve death as compared to God’s standards of complete perfection. Due to my human nature, God provided Jesus Christ to die in my stead so that I may have life – life abundantly. Isn’t this the same for everyone?

 

© 2009 John J Smid
Please do not reproduce without permission
jjsmid@gracerivers.com
PO Box 382277 – Germantown, TN – 3818

 

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The Journey of Thomas – Active Participation

Friday, June 26th, 2009

James 1:19
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

 

Prov. 18:13
He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame.

 

Part Two: The Way

The Journey of Thomas has been built in three sections. The first one is based on gaining honesty in our own life. It was a time to develop a better understanding of our own hearts. Each session was designed to help us to become more aware of our own life experiences with the hope we would be more able to share them with others.

 

The second section is called “The Way”. We are going to introduce some practical tools and skill development to learn more about what we can do to connect more intimately with others. The Way is the “how to” of this curriculum. It will involve building new habits, learning new ways of relating to others that are more effective. We will also have to break some old habits. We begin with Active Participation.

 

The Art of Listening

Listening to another person’s heart can be one of the most affirming actions we can enter into. Hearing the heart cries, the joys, the desires of another person can build a rich deep relationship and create a connection that will promote a stronger desire to spend time with one another.

 

Sometimes we are remiss and allow distractions to get in the way of hearing some important things from someone we know. Television, cell phones, busy schedules, or even our own life issues can all interrupt significant interaction with others.

 

Or when we are faced with a challenging conversation it is easy to respond to defend ourselves or to attempt to “fix” the problem that has arisen rather than to take the time to truly listen to what is being said. Sometimes the details we hear lead us to a misunderstanding of the real issues and our reaction can be to feel hurt or misunderstood and we react out of our own wounds.

 

So many of us are habitual “fixers” and try so hard to find solutions for our hurting or challenged friends or family. Sometimes the frustration that may come from the conversation can come from our “fixing” ways. Maybe our friend doesn’t want to be fixed; they just want to feel heard. Fixing can be a way of trying to get someone else’s problem out of my already overwhelmed life. Or, it can take focus off of the person and onto how skilled I am at fixing someone else. The motive to overrun another person with our own goals will often thwart listening to their heart.

 

Relating in a “fixing” mode will often lead to arguing, bantering, and overall a lack of effective relationship.

 

Prov. 20:3
It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.

 

Active participation requires of us to practice the art of listening. Psalm 116: 1-2 is my life verse because I felt so unheard most of my life.

 

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

 

My journey towards Christ started from knowing that He heard my heart cry for help. His personal response to my hurting heart drew me into His hope.

 

We must learn to listen in such a way as to turn our ears to one another when it is important to do so. It is important to know when it is time to put down the book, to turn off the television, to shut off our cell phones. Can you imagine how much it would help you to know that when we really need to share our heart with the person we have chosen to allow in, that they would turn to us with an undivided ear? I believe that everyone really desires to know they are significant and the when they are in trouble, there will be someone who will care. No matter what kind of bravado we can put up around ourselves, we are all human and I believe need a listening ear at sometime in our lives.

 

Enter With Our Whole Heart

When we decided to enter into honest, authentic, and transparent relationships we must choose to enter in with our whole heart. This requires of us to set aside our lives for the sake of one another.

 

Phil. 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

 

Letting go of our personal agendas or rights for the time needed to affirm something in someone else’s life that deserves our attention is a skill worth learning. When we have become honest enough with ourselves to know how much we desire to feel heard, to feel significant, we can be much more aware of this need in others.

 

Maybe that television program can be let go; or the score of the game can be seen at a later time. We might be out to lunch with a friend and we just heard something that pricked our heart and we can put down the drink or sandwich at least for a moment to gain eye contact with our friend letting them know we are listening.

 

Defensive Posture

We might have found ourselves involved in a difficult discussion with our spouse and we feel defensive about what is being brought out. It would be helpful to develop the self control to not respond in defensiveness. But rather it would be great to learn to turn our ears to the other person to hear them. This will go a long way at staving off fruitless arguments.

 

Many years ago in my growth as Christian one of the most important things I learned is that I do not really have any “rights”. I realized that without the grace of the Almighty God, I am dead and my very breath is a gift from Him. The fact that I am alive is God’s provision for me at His will. This helps me to be a lot less defensive with others when I feel challenged or threatened by something someone has said. I also have learned to be honest with myself. At least inside my heart I know that more than likely, there is a lot of truth in a challenging comment or situation. I know that I may hold at least some of the blame for the rift or accusation. It is a pretty thin pancake that doesn’t have two sides!

 

A friend of mine told once that when a conversation is really heated up, it can be like a racing herd of rhinoceroses and not the best time to try to stop them because they will trample you. It was wise to let them run themselves out and then go and deal with the issue that may have caused them to run. I have found this to be such wise counsel. Don’t try to come running into a hurting situation with your best memory of God’s word. It would be best to listen to their heart.

 

Listening to the Wounded Heart

I have worked with a lot of wounded and abused people over the years. I have been wounded too. I have learned that what I needed more than anything else in order to experience healing was an ear of concern or validation. I typically figured out the rest with the Lord and over time. Because I knew this about myself it has made it much easier to learn the skill of listening to others rather than trying to remove the pain by my insights or instruction for them. I can easily slip into a teaching way and therefore I also learned that this is a skill that must be practiced.

 

An example of this is when I was in my forties, I told my sister that my step father had crossed some serious sexual boundaries with me when I was only ten years old. After I shared this with her, she just looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “John, I never knew this happened to you. I am so sorry”. I cannot tell you how much healing occurred in my heart that day just because someone that was there, who knew the people involved, said they heard and understood. I felt validated, and a salve of healing poured over my wound that day. All she did was to hear my heart and I felt it deep inside. She didn’t try to minimize, fix, or over compensate through her own efforts.

 

Can You Relate?

Active participation in one another’s lives requires the sacrifice of our own. Jesus modeled this in setting aside His own life for ours. He is asking us to do the same for one another.

 

Can you relate to what someone has shared? When I was in a terrible situation in my life with broken relationships and increasing shame, a friend told me to go to an Al-anon/Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He said that I might find a better group of friends there. I had nothing to lose so I went. I will never forget the impact I experienced at that first meeting. I don’t remember what it was but I openly shared something about my life and a lady across the room stood up and said, “John, I can relate to what you have shared”. That one act of listening moved me to a brand new life with God. I learned the Serenity Prayer and felt led to seek God the next time I was experiencing the pain I had gotten myself into. Her active relating that day helped me to feel less alone and more motivated to seek help. I believe this was the first time I sought God from my heart to His.

One of my favorite scriptures is:

 

Heb. 13:3
Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

 

As Christians one of the most powerful tools we have is the ability to share the testimony of our life experience with those who are stuck or bound by their own prisons. Active Participation leads us to put our own lives in the shoes of someone else’s experience, because we recognize we have been there. We have all known a prison, a shame filled experience where we were so bound we may have been unwilling to leave the prison cell due to our own fears. We needed desperately to know we weren’t alone. Someone coming alongside us who would just listen can be the trick!

 

To actively listen to someone’s heart will require us to get into our own hearts. It may be a vulnerable place for us to go but taking the risk is worth it. It is a personal sacrifice we become willing to make for the sake of God’s kingdom and His people.

 

© 2009 John J Smid
Please do not reproduce without permission
jjsmid@gracerivers.com
PO Box 382277 – Germantown, TN – 3818

 

Printable PDF – Active Participation

 

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