Blog

May 11th, 2012

Mailbag – Should we confront sexual sin?

Tags: exgay, gay, homosexual, homosexuality, sexual sin
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

 

John,

How should the church treat those who are living in known sexual sin? When and how should they tell them to stop living in sexual sin?

Thanks, Paul

Paul,

Oh, boy, this is not a simple question!

Defining sexual sin is one of the most difficult challenges. What is sexual sin? Where are the lines drawn? Single, Married, Divorced, Gay, Straight, Male or Female?

Sex? Lust, Masturbation, Touch, Intercourse, Pornography? And how many more categories are there?

How does Jesus talk about it? What is He really saying? Old Testament, New Testament? Cultural inflection? Then, or now? What is the real plumb line?

Forgiveness? Love? Grace? Law? What about the relationship someone has with those in question? Do they know them personally? Or do they sit in a pew in the same building? Or, don’t they really sit together anywhere and just know them from afar?

Is the confrontation coming from a Preacher’s words or in a conversation? Is the confrontation coming from teachers with public messages or pastoral communication with those they are in close proximity with?

This is not an easy thing to address without coming across in a far too simplistic way.

I think we love people unconditionally, grace filled, and with honest reflection of our own lives. This is going to look very different each time this comes up. Sometimes it may be to say nothing, other times it may include strong passion depending on the relationship and the circumstances. As in a spouse having some very strong feelings about sex outside of the marriage, but a friend may just listen and show care and concern for the individual’s life.

And – who is “the church?” Is it a club, and organization, a congregation, or people who think alike? Is it only those who practice a religion but any knowledge of God, Jesus may not be seen. Or is it somewhere in between? Is it a denomination or does it transcend to the larger group of believers?

As you might see here, I do not believe there is a one size fits all answer to this question.

Also, are we really supposed to tell people to stop doing anything? Or do we allow them to come to those conclusions themselves? In most cases, does life itself teach us how to live? Are there challenges and consequences that occur that become lessons in life growth?

Do we establish relationship “boundaries” to keep ourselves healthy and allow that to be our message to those whose life choices negatively affect us?

Hum. What can I say?

John

John

Let me see if I can narrow it down for you.

The church is the body of Christ. Sexual sin is everything you listed and that we know we should not do (i.e. adultery, homosexuality, fornication, etc.)

Many agree Christians should express love to everyone who is in sin, but should hold them accountable to their sinful actions. Others say Christians should love unconditionally but accept people for who they are.

Your comments? Paul

Paul,

Ok, I’m not sure exactly why you are seeking answers from me on these questions but I’ll just take it at face value and attempt to take another stab at this.

First, to say “The Body of Christ” is a very “Christian” term and is used often, I used it often. I’m finding that some Christian terms can become less meaningful to those who don’t translate their faith in the same language as some others may. But I think I understand your definition.

In actuality, the Body of Christ entails lots, and lots of people who are falling short of God’s best. Many who are really out on the edge of sexuality, relationships, and so many other ways, miss the mark. Cheating, lying, stealing, excessive behaviors abound in those who are part of the Body of Christ. Realistically, the only way one would ever confront any of these issues would be someone who knows the individual VERY well, understands their heart, their life, and has a relationship that is one of trust and maturity.

I’d like to take some examples from my own situation. It’s pretty common knowledge that I am creating quite a stir amongst people who have known me for some time. Frankly, there are people who I know very well that are REALLY struggling with my “on the edge” ways of thinking these days. I get emails from them quoting scriptures and some passive aggressive toned comments. The interesting thing is that the ones who are quoting scriptures don’t seem to be taking into consideration that I know those scriptures, have taught them, spoken them in front of large audiences, studied them, and they represent nothing new to me when I read them. I know them!

This way of confronting me is belittling, minimizing, and condescending to me as a person. It is done with a cloak of “love” but in reality, it doesn’t represent love to me since it does not appear to be taking into consideration who I am, my history, and my years of being a part of the Body of Christ in a significant way.

There are others who have contacted me and said things like “I was going to talk with you, but I realize it would be of no value to do so.” This is a type of response that is also shutting off the value of our relationship. It sounds as though they are making the assumption that they know it all, and nothing I might say will add anything to their life experience, or knowledge about humanity, and faith. It is a one sided reaction showing absolutely NO interest at all in hearing anything outside of what they are already thinking.

I have learned a tremendous amount by listening to those who think differently. I have found myself in the center of an amazing awareness of God, myself, others, and certainly a growing faith experience.

Then a few have said, “John, when I think of my own journey and life walk, I do not think at this time that communication with you is a safe thing for me to engage in. I love you and will miss our communion, but at this time I just can’t continue reading things you are writing, or talk with you.”

I completely understand this response and do not in the least bit feel rejected or minimized. This response keeps the focus on themselves, and shares honestly that they want to remain focused on where they are at and protective of some very important things in their own spiritual journey. I totally get it and do not take it personally. At some point I hope there will be a freedom to reconnect, but until that time, I can respect their mature choices about their own lives. It’s honest, direct and clear.

There are others who have contacted me and have said, “John, I’d like to ask you some questions and I want to listen to your heart and what you might have to say.” I really appreciate the openness that they are maintaining. I have enjoyed some really rich conversations with some people whom I love, respect, and enjoy ongoing relationship with. Each of us have grown from our interaction and dialogue. I feel respected, loved, and cared for as a person and I am given the freedom to walk my own life and faith.

In the end, I believe that confronting something in someone else that is a part of, as you say, “The Body of Christ,” the most vital ingredient is relationship. Secondly, listening, and thirdly, being honest with yourself.

Regarding sexual “sin”, I’d say this.

Whom of us has not engaged in sexual sin? Which one of us isn’t tempted to sexual sin? With 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, the vast majority of those folks either engaged in sexual sin before, or after the divorce took place.

As we also know, especially with our male friends, male sexuality is extremely powerful, and fragile. From a lusty glance, to pursuing images through computer availability, and then extra-marital touch and orgasm, men have shown the world that one woman is just not enough for most of the men we know, and even for ourselves. Oh, there are those who remain committed to one woman, for one lifelong marriage commitment, but I still wonder how many of those had other women before that marriage began, or during the years of their marriage?

Confront sexual sin? Oh, boy, just think about it. If we actually put into practice the things that many men’s ministries and church groups ascribe to, our main focus full time would be on “sexual sin.” When would there be time for the other significant things that we have to pay attention to in our lives!

Frankly, I have not found it to be prudent to confront sexual sin in the manner we have been taught to by the current Christian “addiction” movement. How many men have really changed as a result of confrontation of sexual sin? I would say, not many at all, not many at all.

However, I’ve begun to hear stories of dramatic changes and movement away from addictive, compulsive sexuality. The changes have primarily have come from a significant act of love, a dose of unmistakable “grace” from an amazingly loving God! Isn’t is funny that the Bible speaks of this so clearly. “It is God’s grace, kindness, love; that produces repentance” Romans 2

It is forgiveness, not condemnation that produces significant, and lasting change. It is love, grace, kindness – not confrontation, challenging, or stern “sit downs” with friends that brings a man to freedom that he only imagined before. Do we think we are telling him something he doesn’t already know? We would do good to be conduits of God’s love, rather than attempting to be his wrath.

And another interesting note, it is more than likely a spiritual experience rather than a human one. Most humans fall woefully short of really knowing how to love someone like that. We have our own feelings, agendas, and shortcomings. Our words often are teachy, preachy, and condescending. They can be born out of a prideful sense of our own victory, or our insecurity about the things that still plague us. It’s like the former smoker. Hard on smokers! “I’ve done it, you can too!” Or read it this way, “I’ve done it, why can’t you?”

And on a final note, the word “homosexuality” when used in context with sin, is a huge hot button NOT to push. This is a power packed assumption that is just plain out of context. No matter what someone wants to say about gay relationships, same sex marriage, or gay sex, The Body of Christ, must get this clear. There is absolutely nothing in the Bible about the homosexual orientation, attraction, or desire. Every passage that even mentions men or women having sex with each other it is clearly defined as an action, not an orientation.

When we describe homosexual “sin” it is necessary to be absolutely clear as a communicator what we are talking about. If we are opposed to two men engaging in sex with each other than that is what we should say. If we are against two women getting married, than this should be clearly stated.

Then we must also recognize that there is a huge difference of opinion amongst The Body of Christ as to what the scriptures say and don’t say about gay relationships and gay marriage. Our Christian family is at odds over this issue and each side can prove their point from their interpretation of what God says, and doesn’t say about this issue.

So, when considering confronting a gay man or lesbian woman who may be a Christian on their behavior it must be understood who we are talking with. If it is someone who is a Christian and they believe whole heartedly that God has given them clarity that their relationship is something He is ok with, then we must leave it alone and let them work it out with Him.

Scriptural teachings on homosexuality are not as clear as some may think they are. The Body of Christ has members who are highly educated in language, culture, and context of Scripture who teach acceptance of gay relationships for the Body of Christ. And there are others that are equally knowledgeable, studied, and highly experienced that will adamantly disagree with that perspective.

When it appears that there is an intelligent, and experienced difference of opinion on these matters, then we must go with our own conviction and remain unified with our brothers in Christ, agreeing to disagree. This is true for so many other things in our Christian culture and therefore we are a family with many homes to live in.

John

I think we’d do much more to impact people if we’d focus on learning how to love them. The commandment is: Love God, and Love Each Other as we Love Ourselves.

 

April 20th, 2012

This American Life – Radio Broadcast

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

 

This American Life

(Click the link above to hear the podcast.)

Own Worst Enemy

Broadcast the weekend of April 13 – 15, 2012

Featuring John Smid, and Morgan Jon Fox

My Thoughts on the Broadcast

I listened to This American Life the Monday after it aired.

One thing it definitely showed was my ongoing process and the conflicts associated with making the transition from ex-gay, to gay especially from the vocational history I’ve come from.

I was a little disappointed that they didn’t air more of the recorded interview and that the majority of the report was Jonathan Menjevar speaking. After six hours of taped interviews I thought it interesting that there were only a few clips that they actually aired. I would have also liked to have heard more of the recorded conversation between Morgan Fox and myself. We had a very candid discussion that included a lot of laughter too.

At the beginning, the host introduced the segment with the statement “John Smid does not approve of homosexuality” which is something that was not part of the interview and frankly I don’t know why he said that unless he was referring to the “old” John Smid that Jonathan spoke of at the beginning of the segment. I cringed when he said that because I’ve tried really hard to move past my old reputation of being a “disapprover” of people’s actions. I really try to live out that it’s not my place to approve, or disapprove of anyone’s life choices.

He also made reference to the words “perversion, and promiscuity” which is something that we talked about during the interview. Jonathan brought out those words and I was literally shocked when he brought them up. My first reaction to Jonathan was to deny that I had used the word “perversion” because it is not something I usually say when I discuss gay issues. I went back to reread the articles where those words were used on my website.

This is the excerpt from the article Jonathan was referring to:

There are perversions that occur just because of one’s lust and a breakdown of morality. These are the perversions that I think you may be speaking of. Men and women are certainly capable of extremes sexually such as in prostitution, pornographic exhibitionism and others. However, today I do not paint homosexuality into that broad brush. There are surely men and women who act in homosexual behavior but may not be intrinsically homosexual, but I would say that the vast majority of those who consider themselves gay would not fit in the “perversion” category.

I think this excerpt speaks for itself.

I would say the segment was pretty good, but I’m always over sensitive when a reporter tells my story. I have learned that if I want my story to be heard, I also have to accept that reporters will not get all of the details right.

Jonathan spoke of the conflicts that exist in my life from early on. He is correct. When I was nineteen, I was closeted with little knowledge of homosexuality in any personal way and I married my first wife. Then I came out at 24, got divorced and became a bar fly and had several unhealthy relationships. Then the conservative Christian world came into my life as well as the ex-gay world. So, I became ex-gay and bought into the whole separation mentality and division between the ex-gay and the gay worlds. I thought my problems were all a result of being “gay” so I stayed away from anything gay. But, I couldn’t stay away from myself no matter how hard I tried.

So, now, I’ve accepted the fact that I am gay, and out, but so many years have gone by and I invested so much of myself into hiding and believing things that were untrue. Now I am deconstructing the faulty foundations. Conflicts! Sure, I think many people can relate to this story.

 

March 22nd, 2012

The Conflict – June 6th, 2005

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

 

D-Day

June 6, 1944, is remembered for D-Day and the invasion of France. That day marked the convergence of two hemispheres, the battle of two lifestyles, and a clash between two kinds of men. It was a triumph from years of experience, building up an army, planning and preparation. The bold attack was also an attempt to end a huge conflict. Ultimately it succeeded because of the individual soldiers’ conviction in combat. This was a deciding moment in our history. The memorable conflict was the beginning of the end of the whole war.

Sixty-one years later to the day, June 6, 2005, another clash…. of hemispheres, lifestyles and men… the theater of war was a sidewalk and passionate words were the ammunition of the day. The megaphone seemed as loud as the cannons on Omaha beach. The army was a collection of people with hearts filled with a desire to end something they believed to be wrong. Personal convictions clashed while fighting for what they felt was right. From the broad brush strokes of protesting signs, loud voices and a disruption of life, there were two men in combat.

These were two cultures fighting for control, batting over issues, separated by an ocean of confusion. This was an invasion as well, an invasion of territory. It was a beachhead seeking control of someone’s life that appeared to be hanging in the lurch.

It was as though one nation was against another, similar to our “D-Day” battle. These two men were not communicating with each other. It almost appeared as one was speaking French and the other English. They really didn’t know what the other was like other than the issues that each of them thought to be so significant that a battle surfaced as a fulcrum in the balance of these two worlds.

Culture wars!

It seems that most battles have always been about shifts in culture or between people who perceive cultural changes will negatively impact their very foundation of life. This battle wasn’t any different.

A new beginning! A fresh start. It was the very first day one group had been in their new building. The vision of a new place to work was so fresh in their mind when they had arrived early that morning. They were excited to be there and enjoy the culmination of a plan they had seen come to fruition. About an hour after the Director had arrived he heard his name loudly announced over a megaphone as though someone would soon crash into his private space. In his mind, the plan was to quietly move into the new facility. John Smid! Where are you John? He didn’t even want to place the name of the organization on a sign out front when they moved in so as to not draw attention to their presence. In his words John just “wanted to be a neighbor” not an issue. With the quiet joy violently interrupted he felt embarrassed by the public display and fearful that the neighbors would become upset by the interruption of their lives too. This was a conservative older neighborhood after all.

Down on the street in front of a large church like campus was a stream of people. Holding colorful flags and signs with passionate expressions they moved with strong conviction that something had gone terribly wrong. One man holding a video camera seemed to be organizing them as he recorded their every move. The camera man was wearing a head scarf and looked like he was on the fringe considering the mid-southern culture. He seemed to believe that the event needed to be recorded and was making sure that occurred.

In 1944 the invasion was one of bombs, guns, army troupes marching into the world of many private citizens as well. But there was a battle to be fought and won! Each side wanted desperately to win the war. As boats landed and army men combed onto the beach, it was similar that fateful morning outside the church as people parked their cars to join into the battle.

John, the visionary desirous of a fresh start, shuddered with confusion and questions. “Why were all of these people here? What do they want with me?” He had no idea as to what had inspired them to gather for such a passionate show of conviction. The shock of what he was faced with upset his entire world that day almost as though a bomb had gone off right in the middle of the building.

They were yelling out a young man’s name from the street. They were saying things like; “We’re here for you” “You’re not alone”. It was extremely odd all the way around. It was as though someone needed to be rescued from some terrible impending harm!

“There are protestors outside!”

Unprepared for this attack, inside the building another army was scurrying around in an attempt to find out more about what was happening on the street. The phones began to ring from news stations, the national media, and emails started to come in like a flood. Much like in 1944 when radios reported the break out of D-day, the internet ran hot with reactions to the events on the street corner in 2005.

What could have possibly been that important? What kind of things were going on that would cause an entire nation, the world even, to respond to the American conflict of June 6, 2005?

Freedom. It was a battle over freedom. Freedom to do what? Or Freedom from what? The battle in 1944 was about freedom as well. The man with the signature head scarf wanted freedom for the young man inside. The leader of the other army also wanted to defend young man’s freedom. So, what were they fighting about? Didn’t they want the same thing for him, and others?

These men were very invested in their views of freedom. The crowd wanted to fight for the young man’s rights to live as he sees fit. They perceived that the folks under the steeple were brain washing, controlling and holding individuals captive.

But the youth focused on here were only 16 and 17 years old! Their parents had brought them here desiring to help them. They thought they might have been harmful to themselves if they continued down a path of social or relational connections they believed to be wrong. John was there to help too. He believed in freedom to choose as well. But, he also believed that in order to make healthy choices in life these young people needed to experience some things that might help them make those choices.

Morgan Fox was the man with the camera in hand and wore the head scarf. He appeared to be directing the crowd. He and John had never met. They had never had a conversation, nor had they ever been in the same room at the same time. The relationship gap was huge. There had been no communication between them to listen, to hear or understand what was really happening that day. The streets ran wild with honking cars and trucks, cameras, newsmen, and protestors. The driveways to the church were crowded with people who had gathered along with Morgan. They truly believed a young man’s life was in danger. The intensity was huge and no one had any clarity about what was at the root of all of the mayhem.

The young teens were in a daytime program that was scheduled to meet for two weeks. A decision was made that day that the street people would return with the cameras in hand each morning and evening while the young teen would come and leave from the building each day. That information came into the building and more reactions surfaced. What do we do now? How can we manage this outcry for social justice? We love these kids and know there is hope for their freedom.

Morgan and the crowd believed they were right too. Certainly they believed they could help this young man find freedom from oppression of religion. We believed we could help him to know the freedom we had found from hormones and lusts that had gotten to a place of harmfulness. The tug of war was huge for the rights of this young man in the building.

It was a battle over homosexuality. The rights and wrongs of this issue have drawn culture wars for years. These two men were on two sides of the fence in passionate response to the same issue. Their definitions of freedom were dramatically different; or were they? They didn’t know the answer to that question because they had never talked. They had never heard each other’s hearts. They had never communicated.

Introduced to each other through an emotional crowd with a megaphone there was no place that day to listen. It didn’t appear that any agreement would be reached any time soon! John and Morgan needed a map, a path to each other’s hearts but how would they find that in the middle of the battle of June 6, 2005.

 

March 8th, 2012

Someone Understands! A Canadian Ministry Gets It!

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

 

A Must Read!

I found this blog recently that was amazingly comforting for me. There is another ministry that is in Toronto that has similar burdens, challenges, and experiences. I’ve known the Director for many years and have seen her make a huge transition into her ministry today.

Wendy Gritter is a prolific writer like I am and reading her posts at times seems like I am writing the same things only from my own perspective.

I have chosen to place a link to her blog for you to read. I think it may help you to see more of my heart as you read her experiences and to know that I am not the only one who thinks like I do!

Please click below and go to this blog and read what Wendy has to say about being in ministry with the gay community.

Bridging the Gap: Nurturing Generous Spaciousness Within the Church

“An interesting aspect of my work these days is the opportunity to have conversations with people who hold different perspectives on the question of whether a covenanted same-sex relationship is an appropriate life choice for a disciple of Jesus. In the early years, most of my conversations were with Christians who held to a traditional understanding that sexual intimacy ought to be reserved for the marriage between one man and one woman.”

“At that time, Christians who held an affirming view of same-sex relationships were seen as a very separate group – perhaps perceived by those with whom I was talking as dangerous, not particularly serious about scripture or the Christian faith, or misguided by their emotions. That separateness was not an easy barrier to dismantle with people – mainly because their focus was not on the shared faith in Christ with affirming folks – but on the moral differences in viewing a faithful discipleship journey for gay people.” (Continued on Wendy’s blog. Click here)

 

March 8th, 2012

Denver Report

Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

 

Twenty years came together in one night in Denver!

This last week was a wonderful time to remember. I spent six days in Denver for a wonderful time of old friends, new friends, and time with family.

Saturday Bowling

The first few days were full of opportunities for encouragement and renewed friendship. Saturday evening some friends, Rick and Rodney,  invited me to a gathering with some work friends. We went bowling and then to dinner at Larimer Square in Denver. It was a great way to begin the week.

Sunday Church!

On Sunday I attended two worship services, one at the Church of The Rockies, and the other at The Highlands Church. Both are inclusive churches that serve a diverse crowd including those who are gay and want a Christ centered family to worship with. I found them both to be very encouraging places each having their own personality. At the end of the service at The Highlands, I talked with several people who attend there that I have recently come to know. It was like home for me.

After church, six of us went to lunch at a wonderful Asian restaurant. After sitting down, two of us recognized one another from a former time in our lives. This man was in the Love In Action program in 2006. I think he was shocked to see me and I was certainly surprised to see him. Our meeting began the series of reunion connections that came during the week.

Monday with Family

As it would be, another real blessing came from being able to see my sister and her family due to a recent move to Denver from Winnipeg, MB. I hadn’t seen her for several years and we had a wonderful time catching up and both wish we had had more time.

Tuesday Surprise Meeting

On Tuesday morning a friend, Joe,  invited me to meet with Christine Bakke-O’neil. Christine is a passionate lady who speaks regularly about her thoughts of how harmful ex-gay ministry can be for some participants. She has been somewhat critical of my role as a leader in the movement and skeptical about my role today as I minister with the gay community.

As we met and exchanged friendly words we began to hear one another’s hearts and I believe we both found a good outcome from our time. I listened as she critiqued my articles and gave me some very helpful feedback and suggestions. It is always a good thing to meet people and discover their person hood! A new friend was made at Starbucks! Thank you Joe for getting us together.

Tuesday Spaghetti Dinner

One evening I had a wonderful spaghetti dinner with a young man named John, and his sweet family that I met in January in Orlando. We had a great time talking about deep things of the Lord and sharing our lives together. It’s always good to be able to continue a friendship in person!

Wednesday Lunch

While I was in Denver I also had a lunch meeting with the two pastors from The Highlands Church. The rich experience of knowing others who have experienced a transition of perspective on how to process being gay and a Christian is tremendously rewarding. I found Mark and Jenny to be caring, insightful, and wise. It was a good shot in the arm for me personally to meet with them.

Wednesday Evening: Film Preview

The central reason I went to Denver was that I was recently invited to participate in a discussion panel for a preview of “This is What Love In Action Looks Like.” The documentary that chronicled a very large protest of Love In Action’s ministry in June of 2005. The film preview took place at the Metropolitan State College of Denver. I checked around to find who might be interested in seeing the film. As the event came closer, I invited 16 people from many facets of my history who lived in or near Denver.

At the film, there were former Love In Action clients from my early years of Love In Action in Northern California (1993), the early years in Memphis (1996), the middle years in Memphis (2005), and even the man I reconnected with from 2006. As I prepared to watch the film it dawned on me that two of the former clients were present for the actual protest and they knew many of the people interviewed in the film.

The invitation list included some new friends who were interested in seeing the film as well as some ministry leaders in the Denver area. I found it very interesting to review their take on the film afterward.

As I looked around the room, the time and space that was represented from my world was really amazing. We had a wonderful reunion, but I also realized there would likely be some emotions felt from what was about to be shown.

After the film, Morgan Jon Fox and I took questions and gave our insights from what the film represented for us as individuals. I share each time how I have been challenged by the intense review of the ministry that I participated in for so many years. It is always hard for me to watch the film because there are some parts that I feel grieved to see and also feel embarrassed about.

About ten of us went to a local restaurant for decompressing from the evening. What a great ending to a wonderful week!

Busy, Busy, Times

I was booked up morning, noon, and night but I had a few hours alone to catch my breath. I really felt energized from the time I was there. Thanks to a very generous friend, I was given their entire house (while they were away) for my stay and I had some good time for rest and reflection. Across from the house I stayed in was this amazing view!

Denver is fast becoming my second home, again!

 

February 23rd, 2012

I Acknowledge – Love In Action Clients

Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

 

For Those I’ve Known Through Love In Action

I acknowledge You!

I acknowledge that the many changes I have gone through in these years since I left Love In Action, have caused some challenging reactions for some of you. I have retracted some things I have taught with passion when I led groups or teachings within Love In Action. I realize this may have caused you to doubt or to experience confusion from these changes. I also realize it may bring up some challenging thoughts about where I am at today.

When I was a brand new Christian, and beginning to follow Christ, He brought me to the dying bed of a man who had AIDS. After he passed away, I sat, wept, and pleaded with God to give me a way to walk alongside the gay community. I wanted desperately to help bring hope, to bring restoration with Jesus.

This intimate time with Jesus has called me forward for 25 years and continues to do that today. Nothing has changed there!

My greatest prayer for each of you was always that each of you would find a life “worthy of the calling of Christ.” This is still my prayer. Regardless of what I believe, or teach, it is my hope that you follow, in faith, Jesus Christ!

***************

I have to admit, this segment of the “I Acknowledge” series has been the hardest of all to write.  I pray God will cover this with His heart, and Spirit.

Lots of People!

I’ve spent a significant amount of time reading through a thorough list of people who have gone through the residential program at Love In Action. At my best count, there are 461! It has been privilege to have known each one.

We prayed together, cried together, shared significant times of intimate discussion and have an eternal relationship based on a shared life experience.

I am in current contact with around 130 of these folks. Through FaceBook, emails, and personal interaction, I am extremely grateful to have these connections.

Sadly, 16 have passed away. There are 41 that are married to the opposite gender. Of the 461 people, 80 publicly identify as being “gay.” Out of those 80, 12 have acknowledged having committed, same sex, partner relationships.

There are many I haven’t connect with, however what I do know is interesting for sure. These men and women are significant people in my life and I care about them to the point where I have an interest in continuing to know them, pray for them, and hopefully be with them in eternity.

Some Awesome Memories

Going all the way back to 1986 I can actually say I had some of my best times in life with people who were around Love In Action during those years.

There are seasons in my experience with Love In Action. Love In Action was in California from 1986 through 1994. Then the Memphis years began and continued through 2008.The experiences with each season were dramatically different from each other. The California years were very relationship oriented. We all hung out together, spent lots of time around food, fun, laughter, and knowing one another intimately. We also had some very serious times with Jesus, and some challenging times where we worked through the stuff that would come up within our relationships.

On the other hand, the Memphis years became more clinical, therapeutic, and a sense of community surrounded the “clients” but the staff and I remained distant. There were great times within the houses, but the staff kept further away so as to somehow be more “healthy” with regards to professionalism and counseling. Many of my personal memories of the program members are stronger from the California years but I have some great life experiences from Memphis as well.

I see your faces regularly as I go through photo albums that I have kept. I think about you as I recount your stories and many of the discussions I remember having with you. I picture places like The Lord’s Land, San Francisco, Sacramento, the redwood forests, beaches, hikes, and so many others from the California years. Most of the pictures in my mind in Memphis are of a more formal nature; deep revelations, family growth, and spiritual changes encountered together.

Today, from my life at Love In Action, I have friends in countries far and wide! Finland, Africa, Brazil, Canada, Japan, New Zealand, Australia, India, The Netherlands, England, Germany, El Salvador, Spain, and even Azerbaijan.

Do I Remember You?

None the less, your names, lives, and hearts are indelibly inked to my soul. Do I remember you? Of course I do. I have hundreds of pictures from the California years but when the Memphis program changed and developed I made an effort to find some other ways to remember you. I endeavored to remember through our graduation “coins” kept in the “Ark of the Covenant” in the office. (If you were in Memphis, you would know what this is.)This was my way of keeping you close and not to be forgotten. How many times did we support others who “Crossed over Jordan?”

Honestly, I grieved often that the professional “boundaries” kept me away from knowing the Memphis people more deeply. I never liked having to remain therapeutically separated. I always struggled with having “counselors” who handled their “client load” and I became more of an administrator for the ministry. What I always loved about being part of the ministry of Love In Action was the depth of relationship that was so significant. In the later years that seemed to get lost and I became more and more dissatisfied with my role in the ministry as it transitioned away from the former years.

Through the pressure of becoming more “professional” we lost the intimacy that many of us had known so deeply in California. Actually, I think many others also struggled with that transition to a “professionally oriented” program.

From all those years ago, it was always my greatest heart’s desire to provide a place for healing, a place for spiritual growth, and to encourage a stronger faith in God. I believed I could relate to those who came to us, I related to their struggle with homosexuality, I had experienced actions that were unhealthy and relationship challenges and the struggle with despair that were so common for us to share about.

It was from this motivation that I went to LiA every day. I believed I was creating an environment for men and women to find a healthier life which always included a drastic separation from anything homosexually related.

I believe many amazing and wonderful things happened in the groups, counseling offices, and the intimate times spent in the residential environment. I also believe there were times of feeling heard and validated for many of the program participants. I know for certain that many of them found a deeper and more valid relationship with God as a result of being involved with Love In Action.

Every time I came up with a new concept, or teaching it was with the hope that we would become more effective at reaching the intended goal of a closer walk with the Lord, or a greater peace with life and relationships. As I have written all of these articles on acknowledging things I regret, or that I’ve done wrong I think back over why I did what I did in the first place.

I am only now getting in touch with a deep reality of the true pain, and discouragement that can come along with being gay. As I reach down into my own heart and soul I find the deeper life experience that from my position of being the Director of LiA I couldn’t seem to find. I remained in my head so much of the time trying to remain strong, stable, and effective.

Over these last three years I have discovered so many things about myself that I wish I had known many years ago. I feel discouraged that these things were so hidden from my own heart because it wasn’t possible to have given them out.

Families Formed – Families Healed

There were some marriages that formed which today are blessed, intimate, and fulfilling families. Beautiful children have been born and loved by people who grew healthier from their time at Love In Action. Marriages that were devastated by broken lives were wonderfully restored. Some of my fond memories included relationships between parents and their kids that were restored and discovered new authentic connections with each other. It was during these times when I experienced the tearful reality of God’s amazing grace to renew, heal, and restore lives and relationships.

Growth and Purpose Found

Some of those who were single found new careers, brand new foundations through which they discovered meaning and purpose. Some others became ministry leaders, others found restoration to former ministry passions.

There were a few people who discovered public ministry service that gained great notoriety within the Christian culture. Then some worked behind the scenes as amazing encouragers and reconcilers within God’s kingdom.

Community Groups

There were some incredible changes that occurred in people’s lives that were involved in our support group ministries. Hundreds of people came to our support groups in the Bay area of Northern California. I can see them walking through the doors each week as though it were yesterday.

There was a group of about 20 men who were involved in an intensive support group that met in San Rafael, California. The majority of these men have remained in contact with each other through the years. Fortunately, I am also in contact with many of them. It is wonderful to consider many of them friends today. To be honest, most of those men have now found their faith to be reconciled with being gay and continue to support one another along that path. Several of them are living on long term, faith centered, partnered relationships.

In Memphis, we had a large group of people who were part of our “Radical Living” program where God did some awesome and amazing things in their lives. These included those who didn’t struggle with homosexuality, parents, and ministry leaders who took the challenges that were placed in front of them and grew tremendously. I hear from them as well, about how much their lives changed for the better as a result of being part of Radical Living.

At one point we had a local support group of 25 to 30 people involved that provided a place for discovery and growth. We also held support ministries for parents and loved ones that provided a safe place to find camaraderie and support with others who understood. I know that this produced healing and connections that increased the tent pegs of God’s Kingdom.

The Value In Love In Action

I fully acknowledge that within my time at Love In Action God did amazing things. In all of my energy in acknowledging things that I believe I’ve done wrong, it has never been my intent to wash all of these years away as though there was no purpose or good gained. Much good has come from all of those years.

I want to appeal to all of those who celebrate their time with Love In Action. I want you to consider something that is very important. For those who didn’t come away with the results that you did, many are really hurting, lonely, and have desperate pain that has yet to be healed. There are others who have found solace in accepting that they are gay and have gone on with God feeling that part of their lives have been resolved. We are a diverse people with many paths that life seemingly brings our way.

We are brothers and sisters along life’s road. No matter what seems to be in front of us, it is very important to remember, God’s grace is abundant and His love never fails.

I also want to again reiterate to those who were clients of Love In Action, if you’d like to contact me with questions, or comments or just to chat, please do so. I’ve enjoyed reconnection with numerous people in these last couple of years and it has helped me and hopefully them as well. I am on FaceBook, and my website has numerous ways connect with me, phone, email, and a contact form.

I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Eph. 4:1-3

To read the “I Acknowledge” series (click here)

 

February 9th, 2012

I Acknowledge – The Ugly

Posted in Uncategorized | 34 Comments »

 

As I thought about the second piece of “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly,” I realized something I was very passionate about that really hangs on the “Ugly.”

I remember hearing when I was a child that red-headed Irish girls are “feisty.” It seemed that included the premise that red-headed girls had bad tempers. As I grew to an adult I began to wonder which came first, the bad temper, or the red hair?

My own “Red Hair” experience

I’ve struggled my entire life with feeling different, being oversensitive about life and relationships, and not relating well to the world around me. I wanted desperately to be something different, to find a way to sort all of this out, but didn’t find any answers.

I finally realized I was gay. Shortly after I came out, I was taught that “homosexuality was sin.” So in conclusion I thought it might be possible to rid myself of this horrible thing called “being gay.” But there was an UGLY side affect to this way of thinking.

Here’s The Ugly

As I pursued the changes I hoped for I reached a dead end road. I found I couldn’t shake something that went very deep inside me. I thought since I was gay, that “I” was bad! If homosexuality is “sin”, then I can only come to the deep, internal conclusion, I am “sin.”

The deep level of shame and lack of acceptance of myself as a person who is loved by God, kept me away from Him, and from myself. The over sensitivity didn’t go away, the struggles of feeling inadequate and insignificant never seemed to lessen and I continued to feel ashamed of my weakened state as a person.

This created a personal environment where I tried every way I could to cover the shame. I tried hard to wash it away, deny it and to stuff it.

“You Can Change”

In my initial introduction to the “You Can Change” message it all sounded so good!

” A new creature in Christ!”

“And such were some of you!”

Who wouldn’t want that? It was all so very hopeful! Desirable! After all, if the “red hair” could go away with the freckles, then maybe the teasing would stop and I could now be like the others. Without a doubt, there are many red haired children who might have taken the option to change their freckles if it were possible.

But, as the pursuit of change went on being gay didn’t go away. There was no change in the understanding of same or opposite gender relationships. The unique understanding of feelings and relationships remained and actually became more complex along with my increased state of shame from the perception that I was bad and unacceptable because I was gay.

“You Must Change”

So, now the message of “change” felt like a mandate. “You must change!” If being gay is a sin, and God hates sin, then the only way for God to love me was to eradicate sin from my life. So, I “must” change this part of myself, push it away somehow.

How can someone change something that is so deeply intertwined within themselves? Is it about sex? Is it about gender? Or, is it more than all of that? I discovered I could change what I do sexually, so I did. I stopped having sex with men. I learned how to get along better with other men and this helped me somewhat socially, however I never related at a deep level. But the message of “change” seemed to beg more from me, a deeper change than I had come to experience after over 20 years of trying.

The Rage Within

Underneath it all was a boiling anger, maybe even a type of rage inside my soul. “What in the hell do you want me to do?” “I’ve been good, I’ve gone to all of the meetings, the conferences, counseling, intensive prayer. What else is there that you want from me?”

God wasn’t changing me. So, I remained sin, less valuable, less courageous. I remained damaged goods that were left with no options other than to learn how to “suck it up” and try my best to fit in, to assimilate into a world that seemed to understand itself, but I couldn’t seem to understand myself.

Another Night of Dreams

Recently God has begun to shed light onto my heart. It seems that the point in all of this is that I am not “sin.” Well, that’s good news! I am not intrinsically bad because I am gay. Well, that’s good news too. It also seems that many of the things I used to say “caused” homosexuality were actually the result of being gay in a world that just didn’t seem to connect.

One night I had a series of dreams that included vignettes of people showing their gifts, talents, and personality traits that were laying strangely separate from themselves. Some of these people were shedding some things, and pushing other things away. God began to enlighten me to things that He allowed, or created within my soul. Things that were unique, special, not ordinary. It seemed He was challenging me to stop trying to change myself and begin to learn to accept life as it is and see the value in it.

At a recent play called “The Boys Next Door” my eyes welled up in tears when one of the boys stood up, shedding the effects of being a “special needs kid” and talked about what it was like to live in his world. He began to talk about the things he brought to life in those around him and how he was being used in his very own special way to enhance life.

I immediately resonated with his heart. I realized that there was a silver lining in the rain cloud of being gay. I am uniquely created by God. He has somehow allowed me to be gay and He promises He will bring good out of all situations for His glory, and He says it will be good for me too! He has a special place for me and my being gay fits into the bigger picture of who I am. To remove it would be to remove a part of myself as God created me to be.

Return to The Ugly

The ugly is that so many within the Christian culture and community have touted the message that gays “must” change, that being gay is “sin” and gays are truly going to lose out on God’s kingdom unless they change. The double bind is a burden far too weighty for anyone to carry.

The message of “change” sets the tone for people to try very hard to comply with its implication and find on the other side of their attempts, failure of great magnitude. A message that they will never measure up to God’s standards for acceptance.

A Far Too Common Message

I received an email from a pastor that has been at odds with my writings. He said:

“John, maybe the problem is that these gay folks just haven’t prayed long enough to fight against this and win the victory.”

YOU SAID WHAT?

Steam came out of my ears when I read that! I felt incensed! Obviously this man has never really heard the heart and soul of gay people. I don’t think I know of anyone who prays as hard, stand as strongly, and endures as long as many within the gay community.

If you ask any gay person who has gone to a Christian for help, the thing that they hear the loudest is:

“Pray, and read your bible more.”

There isn’t much more demeaning that anyone can tell a gay person to do than that. Many can probably quote chapter and verse, and show you the callouses on their knees from praying.

I’m Not Denying There is a Hope For Change

Please hear me. In our life journey, we do experience changes in our personalities, our desires, and some of the seemingly intrinsic features we have carried along with us. And yes, some people do experience changes in their sexuality. I will not deny the uniqueness of each person’s life in Christ and the things that God may do.

The challenge to look at is this. What is the motivation for the message of change? Is it  to see someone experience the goodness in God? Or, is it to somehow eradicate being gay from our life, or someone else’s?

Is the motivation to rid someone the burden of being gay so that the shame will go away? Do we want desperately to remove a gay orientation from someone’s life we know because it seems to be difficult for them? Do we want to change people who are gay because we are uncomfortable being around them?

Or, think about this:

Is it better to help people to accept life as it is, gay or not? Is it better to look at someone in their heart and say;

“God loves you right where you are. He has a life for you that is amazing. If you will pursue Him, He will show you the way. Quit worrying about change, and join His pathway of life for you. Seek Him with all of your heart, and He will guide you.”

I Am Finally Getting It!

The real lie that has created the greatest problem is within the front line message that “gays can change.” I am coming to believe that the true attack from the enemy of our souls stems from the message of change that many understand as “you must change.” If the enemy can get people to believe that unless they change, they will never be acceptable to God, then he has found the way to consign them to a lifetime of shame and degradation.

You see, it is this kind of internal shame that brings overcompensating behaviors that are destructive, dehumanizing, and just overall unhealthy. The enemy of our soul loves to see gay people, who are so talented, sensitive, and insightful; feel trapped in a never ending bind of self destruction. So, in setting up the message of change that most likely will never be fulfilled, then he has the lock and the key is thrown away.

Let me repeat this.

When gay people think because they are gay they are intrinsically flawed, the shame builds. To cover the shame we subsequently see in people’s lives addictive practices, inflated and extreme lifestyles. So many times the answer from the Christian community is “change” and it will all get better.

Out of sincere desire and motivation the journey to seek first the kingdom of change ensues. This path comes to no end and therefore the shame only goes deeper.

My Cover

In an energetic search for change I found a cover of being the good boy, the great Christian leader, the moral one. I gave myself no permission to show “ugly” emotions or to make undesirable mistakes. I stayed away from anything that might in any way reflect negatively upon my reputation.

Internally, I already felt so ashamed and broken I couldn’t afford anything that might add the already heavy load.

As I am allowing myself to be more authentic, the pretty exterior is falling off. My reputation is being called into question and I am no longer fearful of making a mistake. As I accept that I am gay and am willing to let that out I find that many pressures are falling off.

What is the answer?

The answer is to find God’s love in who we are, in how we’ve been created (or allowed to be created) and to rid ourselves of the misappropriated shame from being gay. I have recently come to know many people who now accept themselves, with God’s tremendous love, as being gay. In this transition from shamed, to loved, many of the destructive behaviors miraculously cease. Drugs are thrown away, sexually addictive behaviors stop, relationships get better and people begin to thrive in their relationship with God.

There is a Battle

There is a battle, but who has been deceived? Of course, the enemy doesn’t want anyone to find freedom from destruction. So the battle rages on between the culture who says “change is necessary” and the culture who says “you are loved as you are.” There is certainly a war going on for the souls of those who are gay.

I want to see more freedom from the destruction. Do you?

A very helpful book for me has been “The Velvet Rage” by Alan Downs, PH.D.

Overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man’s world.

To see more of the “I Acknowledge Series” (click here.)

 

February 3rd, 2012

I Acknowledge – Part Five

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

 

I acknowledge that through over 20 years of ministry with hundreds of men and women there were many misguided elements that were wounding, confusing, and just plain wrong.

But, I also want to acknowledge that it wasn’t all bad. I’ve received some emails and messages from people who have commented on the good things they received from being a part of Love In Action, or Exodus.

Most of the comments I have received from thankful participants have been focused on gaining courage, learning how to build better relationships and improving on communication skills and having more confidence. There have been comments on how much better their family relationships are. Some have told me about the growth away from unhealthy and addictive behaviors. Many have spoken about how they have become closer to God and better understand His love for them.

I often joked that I was a part of the “long term” program, In over two decades of being involved with Love In Action, I grew to become a more mature and healthy person in general.

But I can also say I was wounded, confused, and held hostage to deceptions and misguided truths. I want to share the mix of the things that were good and how my own experience with all of this affected me.

I’d like to give some insights as to how all of this affected me personally.

When I became a Christian I had failed at three significant gay relationships and I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I needed something greater than my own mess to show me that life could be better. As I discovered a relationship with Jesus I realized He loved me, heard my heart, and was willing to walk alongside me.

One of the first relationship decisions as a new Christian was to seek out a partner that was a Christian. Within a short amount of time, I met a man who was a godly, giving, healthy young man. He was an amazingly good influence on me. I was now a Christian, I was out as a gay man, I had good friends and a community that loved me right where I was and included my partner. Well, some of them loved him first since some of my friends came along with him. But none the less, after many challenges I was beginning to integrate my life.

In short order, our relationship failed because I was not healthy in my heart or in my ability to be a good steward of an intimate relationship. The internal work on my heart hadn’t gotten too far at this point. We walked away from each other and my life felt so empty that I went back to my old connections. I hooked up with an old partner and returned to the bar scene. The pain rushed back along with the depressive feelings I wanted so much to be gone.

I found an escape valve and left my partner. I walked into a singles ministry and a church that seemed to be a good place to land. And, it was in many ways. I was loved by  new friends and my mentor / pastor. I was finding a good place to rest that replaced my hunger to return to the unhealthy relationship I had just left. I knew I didn’t want all of that to be a part of my life again.

Neutral Sexuality

So, it seemed that my sexual desires had been taken away.  The fresh new life seemed to kind of snuff out the sexual drives that had been present. I was comfortable with my new friends for the most part but underneath, I still knew I was gay.

There was little opportunity to talk about being gay other than with a good friend who would listen.  But I wasn’t totally honest with him because most of our conversations were spiritual in nature and I just didn’t lay it all out on the table. He was pretty vulnerable with me and our relationship grew, but I quickly became jealous of his spiritual walk and his heterosexuality.

I became overwhelmed as I struggled  in this relationship which caused some confusion and created barriers to my ongoing growth. I continued to stuff my internal desires in an attempt to be like the others around me. I was very lonely in my heart but honestly I was relieved to not have to deal with having an intimate relationship like the ones I had with the men previous to becoming a Christian.

So, I fully embraced the world of evangelical Christianity. I was taught bible concepts, I was very active in the church community, and I quickly learned the “right and wrong” ways to live. It was very clear from all I was taught that “homosexuality” was a sin. This left me with no options, everything I had buried in my heart had to stay there. I needed to learn how to move on. Move on to what? I didn’t know. But, I assumed it was a better place because that was what I was told it would be.

I was lonely for intimacy and realized that if a same sex relationship was out of bounds, then maybe I should try to find a girl again. So, I met a couple of ladies and dated them. Each one ended badly due to unfulfilled desires for everyone concerned. I felt guilty that my initiative in pursuing them caused all of us further harm.  I met another lady who seemed interested in something more with me but we were primarily involved in group functions within the singles ministry. At one point it seemed the interest grew and we went out together more individually. This worked for a season, but at one point I began to shut down emotionally and closed off.  I struggled greatly with what was going on and felt so guilty that I was causing another painful situation to occur.

Maybe They Can Help?

After about two years I learned about Exodus and Love In Action. I had so many questions about my own life and a hunger to help others so I pursued a staff position with Love In Action. I thought maybe this would be a place to explore what was going on in my heart and I would find others who would understand.

Moving to California to work with Love In Action was a VERY costly endeavor. I had two daughters I was leaving behind that were  just 8 and 10 years old. I owned a home that I had to sell.  I had over $30,000 from a severance settlement from my job. In my desire to find answers to lifelong questions I chose to live on the savings and give everything else up and move 1500 miles away. I felt convicted that this was the right thing to do. It seemed the Lord was in it all since there were unexplainable things that took place in order for all of this to happen. So, I left my children, my family and Nebraska and began a new life.

As I entered into my new home and community, I did find a place we could talk more about things that were going on.  This was very freeing for me because people had such similar experiences and we talked a lot about them. There was a heavy emphasis of “healing” and “change” regarding homosexuality.  Since we were all hurting so much, that was good news! We learned that God loved us so much that He wanted to help us, to change us. So, the emphasis was placed on a hope that God would heal us more, and tomorrow would be better.

When I left Nebraska, the relationship with the girl I was dating remained stuck and I felt by relocating the pressure would be relieved. And it did! But after arriving in California, our communication continued through letters and telephone contact. Since the pressure was less, I opened up more and we remained connected with regular contact. It felt good to have someone who cared about me. It helped me not to feel so alone in my new environment. It also provided something for the folks in the ministry to see that gave them hope for their own “heterosexual” possibilities. So, we remained an “item” and I talked about our relationship with those around me. There was a lot of encouragement to continue pursuing her.

I quickly became very involved in all of the things available through the “ex-gay” network. Conference after conference, teaching, healing prayer, healing seminars, seeking God deeply, fasting, hope upon hope that this (homosexuality) would go away. If it didn’t, we were taught to praise God anyway and continue on the journey.

Changes Came – but not as expected

I began to change for sure. But not as I had hoped. I learned how unhealthy my codependency was and how it had harmed my former relationships. I learned that my behavior choices had caused many problems. I discovered that I had to find autonomy from my wounded family history. I discovered gifts and talents that had been hidden and began to see good things in who I am as a person.

The discovery of healthier communication, forgiveness, and releasing things that held me back – brought a lot of healing to my life. Daily reading of the Scriptures and other books, teaching, and prayer brought me to understand God’s desire to be close to me were all extremely helpful. I grew in leaps and bounds into more of who I was created to be, which was very affirming.

But, my internal struggles with being gay remained untapped and lingered underneath the surface like a looming secret waiting to come out at any moment. We learned to keep this presumed “awful beast” at bay through staying away from temptations that were connected to it. It seemed I had to grasp that my homosexuality was an enemy of my soul and to fear its power to destroy my life.  It was clear that the message was “Don’t have any relationships with people who are “unrepentant” homosexuals.” “Don’t go near gay places or places where gay people hang out.” We believed these things would draw you back and you would slide back into our old ways. As I looked across the bay at San Francisco it had a “dark and luminous sinful haze” surrounding it in my mind. I believed it was the virtual center of everything that was the enemy of my soul.

Oh No,  Here It Comes Again!

Shortly after arriving in California I met a man that struck me deeply. I had felt very lonely and had prayed fervently for a friend. It seemed that this was an answer to my prayers.  I began to pursue a relationship with him. He was a part of our ministry so I felt it was OK to get to know him. The emotional fulfillment that I discovered became a major focus of my every waking hour. I looked forward to talks on the phone, we specially planned Saturday events together and every hug that I could snag was a plus. Praying with him while holding hands was something that seemed to fit within the allowable standards, so I enjoyed that as well.

I called it a good friendship. I searched my heart for areas that might have been inappropriate while both of us continued to hang out together. It opened up a door to my heart that was very hard to close. I was confronted about the relationship being “out of balance.” But I believed that through working the bugs out, it could remain a healthy friendship.

As the relationship continued I fantasized about what it could be if it were to go further, but of course this was far too close to the feared monster of homosexuality so I disciplined my mind to stay away from those thoughts. As a result of the tension within me, conflicts came between us. I felt guilty, jealous and ashamed because it was beginning to feel dangerous. Our leaders called it an “emotionally dependent” relationship and I began the process of repenting of the “idolatry” of the extreme nature of the relationship. All of this wounded both of us deeply. I called him to talk about the ways we were both being hurt and felt it best to not seem him any more. I had to push this away because of the pain it was bringing into my life.

I didn’t want to go back into my old ways! Life back then was painful and I assumed it was because it was “gay.” I didn’t separate the unhealthiness part from the “being gay” part and just lumped them all together. So, I tried very hard to tow the line by isolating myself from anything that might have had a slight growl, or hint of my painful past.

But the secret continued as a hole in my soul. I didn’t feel there was any room to talk about this, so I continued to bury it and go to sleep at night with all of the confusion on my heart while asking God to remove it from my life.

Some More Good Things

I had developed some awesome relationships with people around me. Some of them are still friends today. I developed a good spiritual habit of bible reading, and prayer. I broadened my understanding of theology, church life, and a healthier sense of my part in the overall body of Christ. I learned about my family system and how it affected my development as a person.

I discovered I had a gift for writing, developing teaching outlines, and that I enjoyed public speaking. Computers had just become normal additions to the office environment so I found my aptitude to be self taught in software technology came in really handy! I learned about bookkeeping, office management, and payroll records. I have often said that my experience with Love In Action and Exodus became a practical replacement for a college degree.

I do not regret being a part of Love In Action and Exodus because there were many good things that came out of my roles there. But, none-the-less, I am still sorting out the wounds that remain as a result of some of the perspectives that were taught. And, I am still trying to work out my own homosexuality since I really didn’t get many answers about that within the may years with ex-gay ministry. The answer I taught and believed, was “push it away.”

To be continued: (Part two: More “Good, Bad, and Ugly” to come)

Acknowledge Series Click Here

 

January 27th, 2012

I Acknowledge! – Part Four

Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments »

 

I Acknowledge:

Through the LIA program, our teaching, and program activities, We established structure and rules that clients had to adhere to that promoted traditional gender roles and society’s assumptions.

We held them accountable regarding how men and women express themselves through their appearance. We also brought exposure to hobbies and activities that were traditionally male or female. Our structure and teaching stifled individuality and authenticity.

I felt Defensive!

When I began to look at this aspect of our program and the ministry focus I felt defensive and attempted to push back from this critique. I taught sessions on the variety of people, personalities, and expression. I got defensive because I thought certainly I believed that people had to have the freedom to express themselves. I knew there were conservative people, artistic people, uniquely gifted people and that there was a continuum of style that people utilized to express themselves. I didn’t believe I was stifling individuality!

I had one topic I called “Masculinity and Femininity” where I explored the intrinsic differences between men and women as well as the broader aspect of how culture puts us into boxes that we cannot live in. So, I felt confident that I covered this issue in a balanced way.

What I taught and the program structure were at odds with each other.

But, as I looked at the bigger picture of our ministry I had not considered the rules and structure of the program that held people to gender stereotypes. Women were led to purses and dresses in their specialized counseling agendas, men were taught masculine experiences like sports and held to short hair cuts and no facial hair as part of their programs.

Our motives were to encourage them to try out things that might be challenging, or even scary to try. In some cases these counseling practices were very effective, but in others they were harmful. I believe we were unable to see the harm when it occurred because underneath there was a cultural stereotype that we hoped would be achieved. It was an underlying goal to neutralize and to move towards a subjection to conservative living in the eyes of the Christian culture.

I have learned that for many gay men and women, forcing a traditional gender expectation can produce tremendous anxiety and bring about even greater shame. Honestly, I understand the anxiety that can come about through forcing these types of things. But, I had spent a lot of energy pushing this anxiety away and hid it underneath my own life. I always thought I was an advocate for the men and women who had come to the program but honestly, I wasn’t confident in my own experiences and really wasn’t what I thought I was.

“You” Should Carry a Purse!  -  But “You” Shouldn’t!

I remember Cheryl who didn’t carry a purse and wore a very short hair cut was taken for a makeover and shopped for her first purse. There was a lot of attention given and wonderful ladies were very loving through the process with her. They took her shopping, to the nail salon, and affirmed her for the new look. Cheryl loved the attention and was thankful for the relationships but in the end she was confused, and not welcoming of these new things.

I remember commenting on her purse and her look trying to help her see how much more fitting it was to the Christian culture. In the end, she said over and over she was uncomfortable carrying a purse and her hair quickly returned to the shorter style.

I feel sad today that I was so pursuant of her changes and not allowing her to discover her own tastes and believe in her own ability to find what she liked and didn’t like. I was more interested in her fitting in, than I was finding her own individual expression.

So, as I continue to revue these things I fully recognize that I had my own divided thinking. I taught one thing but in the structure of the program another message came through loud and clear, conform to society! ” Neutralize your look, appearance, so that others will be more accepting of you.”

We all know that we get some of our most creative geniuses from those in the gay community! Why would we want to stifle them, or corral them into a neutralized box! Art, music, food, decor, we are all blessed by the unique gifts that come from the more creative types.  Something else that we often forget, those who are gay are also often those who are more sensitive to relationships, caring, and mercy.  Stifling their wonderfully and amazingly gifted personalities removes the heart and soul from our communities.

The damage that can occur from attempting to stereotype people into “comfortable” boxes is very costly to them and brings a huge loss in our own life experience.

I know it wasn’t all bad.

Oh, sure, there were men who discovered they loved sports, and women who discovered they loved getting their nails done. People were brought to face some of their fears and moved forward.  Some people found different careers that were satisfying for them to discover. Moving towards college, or changes in life choices brought some to far improved lives.  I know it wasn’t all bad.

But, what I am feeling responsible for is the lack of freedom for people to discover these things for themselves and to listen more intently to those who didn’t find a desire to do so.

Football?  No Thank You

A personal life fear of mine has always been team sports.  When I was 19 years old I remember vividly talking with a close friend and “confiding” in him that I didn’t like football.  I had grown ti understand that being male, and liking football were synonymous. I felt tremendous anxiety thinking of verbalizing that I didn’t like football. Admitting this meant I was uncovering for someone else to see, that I was less masculine, or less male, due to my dislike of this sport.

I had a huge problem every year when the “Superbowl” would come around.  It was a time of the year when a tremendous amount of shame would come over my life and I tried to do the best I could to just numb myself out and stay hidden from others so they wouldn’t know I didn’t understand the sport, I didn’t know who was playing, and certainly didn’t watch the game. For me it was like saying I didn’t celebrate Christmas!

If someone had pushed me into watching the game I would have felt even more shameful.  It seemed that liking football and watching the Superbowl were expected norms of life and I wasn’t normal.

One Superbowl Sunday I was home and my wife was taking a nap. I saw a bunch of men on the balcony across the way with loud cheering and obviously celebrating the “holiday” of our culture.  I felt safely removed from the event and flipped the channels to come across the game.  It was the end of the game and the score was very close.  I found myself drawn to the competition. In the end I kind of enjoyed the rush of “who is going to win.” I was not pressured by anyone to watch the game. No one was there to make me feel stupid or ill equipped as a man.

After that event I felt safer to come to the next year and decided to host a Superbowl party.  I found that if I hosted it, I could focus on what I wanted to. We had games, great food, and people could watch, or not watch, the game. It was just a reason to get together.  I still don’t like football. I never know who’s playing, and don’t understand the structure of the sport.  I also don’t feel so embarrassed to speak this out loud. Liking football I discovered is NOT synonymous with being male.

I Wasn’t Honest With Myself

In all honesty, I think some of the reason for these structures and challenges come from my own personal fears. I have never fit into a traditional male form, and probably never will. I’ve always vacillated from conservative to expressive trying to find my own personal place in life. I have feared not fitting in if I were to be “different” so I conformed. This never really helped me to fit in any better because the issues were more internal than external. I still felt different.

I had a hard time accepting the uniqueness of my own life because I felt “less than” others, and certainly not like other men. I believed if I could find a more conforming life that I would feel better about myself and not so separated from the stereotype of what our culture deems “normal.”

My personal struggle was brought into the program that I had established. My own pursuit of overcoming my unique nature and personal compromise in order to gain the affirmation and acceptance of the world around me, affected the ministry I led. I feel personally responsible, and grieved that I could see this.

As I continue to find my natural place in life, I realize I didn’t consider the need for others to find their place. Hair styles, colors, career choices and special interests all play a role in people finding themselves and discovering their God given unique nature.

We used to call some of the outward choices “false images” and attempted to remove them. I now see that Cheryl’s purse was a false image for her and thankfully, she had enough courage to reject the purse because she knew it just didn’t fit her. A short hair cut for some men was also a false image for them. False images are those things that are not fitting with the true person inside. Rather than trying to help people find their unique nature, we actually tried to cover it up with what the culture deemed “normal.”

Discover Who You Are

Today I would encourage people to discover what is real for them. What fits them, is comfortable and natural to their personalities. When I look at modern programs like “American Idol” I find that I really enjoy the creative appearances of some of the contestants. It is those who are unique, and authentic that I find myself drawn to more than those who are trying to just fit in to win. God made us each unique. This can be uncomfortable for some, but what are the alternatives?  The loss of the soul of life.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Ps. 139:13-16

I desire the freedom to continue to discover who I am and how God created me to be. I also desire to give others this freedom!

***************

For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. Gal. 3:27-29

Read other articles in the “I Acknowledge” series - Click Here

 

January 19th, 2012

I Acknowledge – Part Three

Posted in Uncategorized | 20 Comments »

 

This is the third part in a series I am writing to acknowledge mistakes I have made through the ministry of Love In Action, Exodus International, and the Ex-gay movement and the harm and discouragement that resulted.

I Acknowledge

I taught material on child development theories to groups of parents with a bias towards a developmental causation of homosexuality.

I would often teach that we really didn’t know the cause of homosexuality and that science had not found definitive answers to its origins. However, I confused this message through the content of material I brought to groups of parents.

Teaching child development with an overlay of my own life development I would often relate it to how I believed I had become gay. Since science had not found absolutes, I was arrogant in teaching information as if I knew the origins!

It didn’t translate well to parents

I have always been a person who asked lots of questions about life and experience. Through the years of my own journey I looked for solutions to my own pain and confusion. When I learned about child development theories I found it to be a great way to seek answers to the deeper questions I had been asking about my childhood experiences. I found it helped me to grow in greater understanding of myself.

Since I was in an environment for over twenty years that taught that no one was born gay, then I figured there must be answers that could be found in our childhood experiences. So, I went on a personal quest to lay out a timeline of my life and I attempted to lay child development theories over the top to help me figure things out.

As I did this, it seemed to make sense to me that I had been born neutral and that things I went through had impacted me to develop same sex attractions during puberty. So, I thought, “This was it!” It was the experiences of my life that merged with my chemistry and bingo! I became gay. I have since changed my perspective on this.

The Wrong Assumptions

The deeper problem with this material is that it is very easy to place responsibility on the parents and loved ones of a gay person for their homosexuality. It could be assumed then, if the dad was distant, or the mom over close and too protective, then the blame could be found with the parents! If the neglect or abuse from a parent or loved one, then the gay person could say it was their fault.

As parents and loved ones came to conferences, or counseling weekends at Love In Action, and sadly, many other national events, they would come with grave concerns for those they loved. Child development theories were often taught at these events. In their attempts to seek answers that might “fix” their kids it was very easy for the grief stricken parents to take on unhealthy responsibility for something in their child’s life that many people would call “sin.” Therefore, the parents could go away not with freedom, but with greater burdens like “I caused the sin in my child’s life.”

“John, my parents came to one of the Love In Action conferences and left with such grief that I don’t believe my mom ever got over it. She was concerned about me and said that she felt guilty that she was such a bad parent all of my life. She went to her grave never feeling free from this deep burden.”

Wow, this is serious!

I think child development theories are a great tool to process a person’s life and find some answers. But when it is attached to homosexuality, it can easily be greatly misinterpreted by many who are listening.

Oh, I always prefaced my teaching with clear communication that I didn’t believe a parent caused their child’s homosexuality. One of my statements was , “Don’t be arrogant, you don’t have enough power to create a homosexual child.” But all of my warnings could not forestall a parents sense of responsibility, grief, and desire to repair their child’s homosexual inclinations.

I was asked to speak at a parents conference a couple of years ago after I gained insights about the seriousness of this issue. I told the host that I would not be teaching child development at the conference because I believed it could cause harm to those attending.

Back to the Drawing Board

Since I have been aware of the harmful potential of this material I have been doing some of my own study regarding the origins of homosexuality. I have had my eyes opened up to some amazing new insights.

I have learned that it is highly possible that many of the things that I used to say “caused” a homosexual orientation, may have in fact been a result of being gay to begin with. Things such as a distant father. Was the father distant because he really didn’t understand how to relate to a son who was gay? I think this far more likely.

Or what about an over protective mother? Was she sensitive to her son because she intuitively knew that he was being teased, ridiculed, and set aside because of this unique gender orientation? Most likely.

Did the dad come very close to the daughter because he sensed she needed the nurturing from him that he felt may help her adjust to being lesbian but just didn’t understand what it was all about? Was the mom conflicted with her daughter because she truly couldn’t relate to her daughter’s perspective on life and relationships? I’m sure this was likely the case.

And, is it possible that a dad or mom’s history with same gender relationships created conflicts when they saw a budding gay son, or lesbian daughter. Well, it just may be so.

If I think I have learned anything about all of this, it is that we just don’t have all of the answers. Truly, we don’t know how the mysteries of our development and it’s application to our lives. Some answers come over time, but there are so many other questions that remain.

A New Framework of Life

As I look back on my own life, I can see how my dad tried desperately to relate to me. I have always been unique. I’ve been highly emotionally wired and deeply sensitive to those around me. I am sure my dad shook his head many times trying to figure out how to relate to me. I’ve also always been a very verbal person and process my life on my sleeve. My dad on the other hand, has always been more of a quiet person.

I remember when I was about 10, my parents had just divorced and my dad came to our house around Christmas time. He brought me a car model that he wanted to help me put together. It was a 1/8 scale Jaguar XKE! It was huge! We spent many hours working on it together. My dad knew I didn’t like the normal things like sports, hunting and fishing. He could see I always liked cars. He had struck the right match and we connected. But I am sure that wasn’t the end of my dad’s questions about my life or struggles to understand me.

Honestly, I have always been gay. My homosexuality isn’t anyone else’s fault. It is just the way I am. Now that I have accepted that, the child development material takes on a dramatically different perspective.

I can look at my dad differently. Instead of saying his emotional distance created my gender struggles, I can say it shows me how tough it must have been on him to have a gay son that was so different than any other male relationships he had experienced. My dad’s world was a life with lots of other men at the Post Office. When I entered his world, a unique person challenged him deeply in ways he just couldn’t relate to.

1000’s Mislead

I have attended over 35 Love Won Out conferences all of the country. These are one day events that were produced by Focus on the Family. They were typically attended by anywhere from 500 to 1000 people, mainly comprised of parents. They hosted teachings by psychologists who believed in developmental theories so child development came along with the package. Men and women shared their stories of disconnection with parents in several of the workshops as examples of these theories. Tears of sadness, grief, and an ability to relate flowed from many of those in attendance.

As I stood at my booth, the parents would flood out of the auditorium heading straight towards us with red eyes and Kleenex in their hands. They were full of questions and I handed out hundreds of copies of material that they could take with them that would resonate with what they had just heard.

I don’t think I have ever seen such a large gathering of grieving parents in my life. It was as though they had all lost their children to death and gathered for a common memorial service!

During those years I attended as an exhibitor, thought I could comfort them by helping them to figure out why their kids were gay. I thought, erroneously, that somehow with my great knowledge of child development, I could help them figure it out.

Instead, what was needed was to help them accept their children as they are and to not feel as though they could fix anything, and to realize that they really couldn’t. I have found that at the point where parents accept their children as being gay is really where the authentic relationship begins! The parents find real adult connections that they had longed for, and the children finally feel the love from their parents that they hadn’t perceived was there. This is a win, win situation for all concerned.

Thousands of pamphlets went forth, hundreds of parents left knowing they weren’t alone, but in the end, nothing got fixed. The grief didn’t go away, but may have even gained more power.

God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept…….. A Pathway to Peace

In the end, years later now, when I have been able to connect with some of these parents, they have said, “Oh, I have come to accept my son, my daughter the way they are. We don’t always agree, but we have a better relationship then we ever have. I realized I couldn’t fix them. I stopped handing them books, digging for details, and scraping the scabs of our relationship wounds and we’ve finally found peace. We are all actually much happier and have gone on with life in a better way now.”

What is the way of Jesus?

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 1 Cor. 5:18-21

To read other parts of the “I Acknowledge” Series – Click here