March 4th, 2010
Tags: Ex-gay Watch, Exodus International, john smid, Love In Action, Morgan Jon Fox, Refuge Program
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Testimonies, Uncategorized | 23 Comments »
For many years I have contemplated the times I have heard that some people have said they were harmed or wounded from their experience with Love In Action or Exodus International. More often than not my reactions have not been favorable. In my own mind I didn’t feel there was any merit to the accusations. After all, “I have given 22 years of my life sacrificially just to hear how we harmed you!”
Well I certainly know the sound of a defensive reaction when I hear one! I was it! I didn’t want to hear anything that was critical or negative. But, I believe in listening to the heart of others no matter how critical it may sound. I needed to check in on my own heart to see if there was any validation to their comments. Of course, there was.
Since I was in leadership with both organizations I have certainly have been at the center of many of the criticisms. The scripture challenges us to be careful with what we say and do as leaders because of the higher standard that is expected and deserved from those whom we care for.
In the last two years I have had a lot of time to ponder, pray, and sort through many facets of my vocational ministry history. Since I have had a lot of alone time my searching has been easier to handle.
I was recently contacted by David Roberts from the “Ex-gay Watch” and online blog for those following the ex-gay movement. David had seen a recent announcement of the new Grace Group that is being started by Grace Rivers and wanted me to write something. In our discussion we both felt it would be good for me to address some of the criticisms out there concerning my leadership in “ex-gay” ministry. I have taken the last week to write a letter and to that end, here it is.
It’s Time for Honesty!
From John J. Smid to the readers of Ex-gay Watch,
Just a little bit of history here. I became a Christian in 1982. My new faith created conflicts in my homosexual relationship and eventually we broke up. It was at that point and I decided to pursue my relationship with Jesus instead of looking for a new relationship right away.
When I had been celibate for several years I felt that I wanted be married to a woman. I had been married previously and in my heart wanted to give that a try again.
I met my wife Vileen in 1985 and we married in 1988. We have had a good, faithful marriage just as I had hoped. I told her about my homosexuality right after we had met. She has walked alongside me knowing that I have chosen her rather than to pursue a homosexual relationship. She is aware that my attractions haven’t changed in general towards men but that I love her deeply and make choices daily to remain faithful to our marriage and have not regretted that decision.
In 1986 I moved to San Rafael California to work as a volunteer for Love In Action. I am passionate about people and spent 22 years with Love In Action. Since Exodus International was in our same office most of those years I also became involved with them right away.
By 1995 I had been involved in Love In Action and Exodus for nine years and was asked to give a talk in a general session at the Exodus national conference. God had brought me to a point where I was willing to admit to myself that I still had homosexual attractions. As a result of my own internal process of disclosure I decided to give my talk on the topic of honesty. I spoke of my current homosexual attractions and challenged the audience to be honest with themselves. I have always been as intentional as I could to share freely about those things whenever I speak or meet with someone who can relate to homosexuality.
The Famous Protest
On June 6th of 2005, when the protestors showed up on the sidewalks in front of Love In Action to speak against the Refuge Program, my world was rocked. But within just a couple of days my heart was humbled by the gracious words coming from those who were outside such as “God Loves You”. The truth spoken from them caused me to think and began to soften my heart.
A lot has changed since then. God does love me and He loved me enough to continue to shave off some things in my life that have been wrong, offensive, calloused and judgmental. Through the humility of Morgan Fox, one of the leaders of the protest, I was humbled once again. His pursuit of a relationship with me, though I did not deserve it, has been another tool that God has used to break through parts of my heart that needed to be touched.
Morgan asked me to interview for a documentary he is producing about the protests. I resisted for a long time. After many meetings with Morgan I began to see his godly character and agreed to an interview because I trusted him. During our camera time the discussions involved things from the past that have been said about Love In Action or about me as the former leader. I had spent many hours and in some cases years, pondering these things and wondered how I could make amends for the things that had hurt or wounded others during my 22 years of leadership with Love In Action. Certainly there were many.
Please Forgive Me
In 1994 an article was written that said that I told a young man it would be better for him to commit suicide than for him to go into the gay lifestyle. I have been haunted by that article all through the years. I have felt defensive, reactionary and frustrated every time I have read it not knowing how I could in any way, clear it away. Maybe this will help.
I want to publically say to the young man, “I am very sorry for the conversation that I had with you that fateful day. I loved you very much as a brother and feel deeply grieved for the way that my words hurt you.” If I could, I would erase the conversation and start all over with ” I love you, and as you move on I will pray for God’s very best for you in your life. No matter what you do, Jesus deeply loves you.” “Please forgive me.”
Some people have spoken out about being wounded through their experience with Love In Action. ” I want to say I am very sorry for the things that have wounded you or hurt you by my hands of leadership at Love In Action or anything I have done personally that has harmed you.” “Please forgive me.”
Exodus International
I was a member of the board of directors of Exodus International for eleven years. I spoke on many occasions in general sessions and in workshops at the national conferences for most of the 22 years I was involved in Love In Action and Exodus. Thousands of men and women came to Exodus ministries and conferences looking for a hand, seeking hope, or for someone to hear their heart and understand.
I am a very verbal person and can speak at times without thoroughly thinking through what I might say before it comes out of my mouth. Without question I know I have said things that may have hurt someone or caused confusion or discouragement. Please forgive me for the things I have said that were not helpful or were further damaging of your tender heart.
As a board member of Exodus International I felt a strong sense of stewardship for the lives we hoped we would impact with the love of Jesus. I have learned a lot more over the last couple of years about how unconditional His love really is. I believe I could have done a better job of letting people know that Jesus loves them purely because He does, unconditionally. I am sorry for not being a better vessel of the Love of Christ to those who deeply need to know of His love. I realize I was often more concerned with telling people how to live than I was with imparting God’s grace so that they would want to live!
Refuge Program
Now, regarding the most highly publicized” Refuge Program” for teens that was held through Love In Action. If I could go back and do anything differently based on what I know today – it would be the Refuge Program. I have a hard time admitting it but the protests did bring about a season for me to reevaluate my life, my heart, and the Refuge Program. God did an amazing work in me through the challenges that resulted from the people who came to the streets in front of our ministry, morning and night, for two weeks.
I really wanted to help the young men in our program but in some cases the design of our program caused more harm for some of these kids that it did good. I am very sorry for the ways that Refuge further wounded teens that were already in a very delicate place in life. I am grateful for the way that God lovingly called us to revamp the methods for dealing with families with teens so that more teens weren’t hurt.
I have been a Christian for almost 30 years. There are myriads of things that I do or that go through my mind that aren’t biblically appropriate. There are many things that God wants me to change in my own life so that I can be a better person, love Him more and love others better. So, while I do not hold to a belief that homosexual relationships are blessed by God, neither are the many things in my own life that aren’t blessed by Him. I do not want a judgmental heart to separate me from people that I love dearly.
Leaving Love In Action
It has been almost two years since I left the ministry of Love In Action in May of 2008. I have had many days and hours alone to think and ponder the last 22 years. God has dug deep into my heart and caused me to see something very important that he wanted me to know. He loves me unconditionally. His grace is sufficient for me. I cannot do anything that He hasn’t forgiven, isn’t forgiving, and won’t forgive and it is up to Him to restore my soul, I can’t do that myself.
I am not the judge and jury of other people. I can’t see another person’s heart like He can. I cannot redeem anyone, only He can. I don’t know what someone might need today but he does.
If you have been wounded by me or harmed through the hands of my leadership; please come to me and allow an opportunity for me to personally apologize with the hope that we can both be released from the bondage of unforgiveness.
Grace Rivers
I am leading a new ministry called Grace Rivers. It’s primary focus isn’t to be an ex-gay ministry but within the context of offering grace and the Love of Jesus to our world we are starting grace groups for people impacted by homosexuality.
As a brand new start, Grace Rivers is an outpouring of the many of the changes in my own heart. I have based this work on nine core values starting with honesty, moving on to listening to others effectively, and in the end giving respect because God does. I have attempted to pursue these values in my own life to the best of my ability. God is still working on restoring me so I know He is doing the same with others. We are all on a road of life that is hopefully improving day by day. He says He will complete the work He has started so I trust Him fully with my life and with the lives of others who know Him.
Sincerely,
John J. Smid
February 10th, 2010
Tags: Core Values, Feelings, honesty, Journey of Thomas
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Hidden Feelings Come Out
I was going to Sears to check out something I was interested in but I was a little early so I was sitting in my car waiting for the doors to open. I looked across the lot and saw a young lady get out of her car. She checked out the back seat where her young toddler child was belted in and shut the door leaving her child in the car. She locked the door and proceeded to walk towards the door to Sears.
I was astonished at what had just happend! I felt a responsibility to protect that child who was motherless in the car in a shopping mall parking lot! I quickly called the police to inform them that a child had been abandoned! I was experiencing nerve shattering, exasperation! I wanted her to be taken to jail no matter what else happened that day, I desired judgment to occur – right then!
I am very protective of little children and the times in my life when I have come out of my skin with carefree confrontation of others has always been when I perceived children were being wounded, or neglected. Oh, I have the stories but never saw anyone get the penalty and today I wanted to see that occur.
So I waited, looking all over the lot for a police car to drive up.
About five minutes later this young mother came walking out of the store moving towards her car. Well, I was ready for bear! I got out of my car and moved towards her with intent to harm on my mind. I approached her and out of my mouth came all of those anxious feelings:
What in the HELL!!!! do you think you are doing?
You walked off and left your child unattended in your car!!!!!!
The lady looked at me with eyes wide open, shocked at the intensity that just flew out of my mouth.
She said: “I am so sorry you were afraid”.
I responded, Of course I was afraid! You left your child! That is how kids get stolen, burned alive, abandoned! You should never leave your child like that!
She said, “I am sorry, I won’t do it again”. ”Thank you for caring enough to say something and to be so protective over my child”.
She got in her car and drove off. I was still shaking like a leaf.
That was quite a shocker for me as well! I never expected her to be so rational about what had just happened. When I got away from the situation I saw something really interesting about myself and about what had just happened.
I do a lot of teaching that almost always includes learning how to communicate our feelings in ways that are honest and effective. That day, this young mother called out my deepest feeling, fear. I was expressing deep anger through my overt words but I didn’t know myself what I was really feeling, I was just reacting!
How funny, this mother who is at the other end of a tongue lashing was calm enough to know more of the truth in this situation than I was.
Lady, I feel fearful and anxious about you leaving your child in the car unattended! I feel incensed that you would put your child in harm’s way! I felt protective over your child’s welfare because she was alone and potentially in line for severe danger! I feel confused as to why you would have done that and over how important it was that you left your child in the car to do something in Sears!
I felt embarrased that I had just left my sanity, swore at this young mother shaking her to the core. I also felt some indignation for what had happened because honestly, the lady was careless and did in fact put her child in harms way.
Well, God has His ways of bringing us into teachable moments of life. Fortunately, nothing happened to the child and hopefully the mother won’t ever forget:
Whatever the HELL she was doing that morning!
February 2nd, 2010
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
Being an authentic person requires of us to know ourselves.
Who was I…apart from building and maintaining a false image of my children and marriage? That kept me pretty busy! I didn’t know!
How did I grow up?
My memory of preschool days is that I was very much a mommy’s girl. I treasured the alone time with her when she’d lay down with me for my naps. Even though times were tough back in the 50’s, and my dad had to work a second job to make ends meet, my mom stayed home with us children. That was more important to them than things. I was the baby of the family for almost 6 years, so I am sure I had a lot of time with my mom. I remember loving dolls and being a mommy to them. I loved to sing and make up stories and I actually sang some of my stories. I felt safe with my mother. She told me that when I was a little girl, I said, “When I grow up and get married, I am going to live in a house right next to yours so I can come and see you everyday.” However, after two more little girls came along and we moved to the country…something changed.
I became very close to my father whom I loved very much and would do anything to please. I saw myself during those impressionable years very much as a tomboy, and I was okay with that. I was social. I loved sports especially if I was the sought after one to be drafted to the winning team of the day in the neighborhood. And, I usually was. That was a good thing in my 10-12 year old mind. I broke my own horse for riding at age 7, I remember one day falling off five times in a row and getting back on to ride. It made my dad very proud that I was so tough. I believed the more tough and the stronger I was the better. That was the message I got and I bought into it. I was from a family of four girls and no boys. I used to hear that from the men who helped us put up hay in the summer that I was the closest thing my dad had for a son and I was proud about that. I always felt like I had the edge on dad’s affections because of my strength.
I developed very early as a young girl. I got a lot of attention from both men and older boys because I appeared to be a fully developed young woman, when other girls my age were still little girls. That was confusing for me, but somewhere in my neediness I saw this as bringing me significance of another kind.
My high school years were full and completely enjoyable for me. I played sports since women’s sports in the schools were just taking off. I had lots of good friends and was very involved in my church youth group. I never really dated much until I was a Senior, but I had serious crushes on a couple guys who were very spiritually strong. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I was attracted to, but ironically, I wasn’t even sure the guy I dated for five years starting my Senior year was even a Christian.
When I married Roger I felt like I had finally found the perfect combination to fulfill me. He loved the outdoors, and enjoyed sports of a different kind, such as; hunting, camping, hiking, and swimming. We seemed to have so much in common. But Roger also encouraged me to dress up, to enjoy being a woman. It seemed the best of both worlds. I really thought I would finally be able to be myself. However the encouragement for me to be more feminine seemed to be rooted in making him look good. He’d pick out my clothes, my jewelry, my shoes and I would comply. Now mind you, this wasn’t all Roger’s fault even though his motive may have been mucky, I came into this relationship not having any idea of who I was as a woman. I was raised in a very conservative home, which is not a bad thing, but wasn’t really given the chance to explore likes and dislikes that were outside the box. I also had been quite abused verbally and emotionally by my previous relationship and I was left pretty wounded in that area. I didn’t really have an opinion about anything, but my wounded spirit became a sign around my neck that said, “Control Me!”
As we began to have a family, I continued to lose more and more of myself. Now I was a wife and a mom. But because I didn’t have enough confidence in who I was, I become whatever my husband, family or friends needed me to be at the time. Looking back, there were times that parts of me would surface, but I didn’t recognized it because I had decided that whoever I was, wasn’t okay. So I buried everything that was part of me deep inside.
I didn’t see these as problems until the severe problems of our marriage surfaced and we were forced to deal with many things in our lives. Roger and I were encouraged through the ministry that God used in our life’s to bring healing to understand that we both needed to rediscover our God given identity as a man and woman first individually and then within this relationship. God had a work to do in both of our lives.
First, I had to discover what was significant about me…a woman. I had to get to know who I was as a woman, not just as a person. God created me to offer something to man…something that he needed. Adam and God walked in the garden together, sharing many things that only God and Adam would ever share, but still something was missing….A woman, a feminine heart! What does that mean for me? Doesn’t that give me great value! My feminine heart is valuable not just in a marriage, but in life…offering the deepest side of my heart which is God given, God created, to the world. The world needs what my heart has to offer! A unique side of God’s image!
I have to do some research.
Next I had to explore my likes and dislikes…find my passions, my hopes, my dreams! All of this is part of who I am and what I have to offer to Roger and apart from Roger to others around me.
I found that I love lace and pearls. I use them as a symbol to represent a real passion for old things. But it’s more than that. It’s about who lived in my house before me. Who cooked in my kitchen? What kind of conversation took place there? Whose little feet ran through my house and were they cared for? Was the woman loved, was she able to express herself. I am passionate about women’s hearts and offering what I’ve been given as a balm for healing to others. I want to know people deeply. I want to love deeply. I am passionate about building relationships in my own life, my husband and children, our extended families.
I meet God in so many ways other than at church. I am blessed by writing, reading, listening! I meet Him while building relationships…going for a walk in the woods. Not in throwing hay bales to find my significance but in driving a tractor while raking hay for my son and the relationship that is being built in the process. I feel His presence when having special “Tea Parties with my granddaughters and teaching them about the heritage that’s been left them from past grandmother. I feel my Creator when I am spending time sharing my heart and reaching into the heart of another woman over a steamy cup of coffee…or preparing a special meal and serving it to an overwhelmed husband and wife who just need to be loved on and served. I hear His voice… “Thank you for loving your husband today,” when I drive out to a field to bring him a cool drink on a hot day just because I thought of him during my day or in mowing the lawn because it takes both of us to make life work. I still love the out of doors, because somehow God is more real to me there. The cool breeze on my face and the fresh air that I breathe, it’s all from Him.
How has this helped?
Today, I can express an opinion and I know what I like and don’t like. I don’t have a lot of strong opinions, but I have learned to stand strong when I do have one. I walk more naturally today in who I am even when others may think very differently. However, I do still struggle at times not to lose myself, when I am around lifestyles that are not accustomed to a heart like mine. But I know that I must take the risk each day to be true to who I am. Hopefully I can offer something new to someone else. I am trying to stay open enough myself to learn from others, new aspects of life that may challenge and enhance my character.
Offering yourself to someone else is a risk…but the reward is great! Are you willing to explore who you were created to be and walk in it? I did and found the blessings far outweigh the fears. I live today in a marriage that is more often balanced and fulfilling then not. We still fight at times for our voices to be heard, but we both have one. Our differences will only enhance each other’s character and our similarities provide understanding and unity. I admire the parts of Roger’s that are different from me and I know he feels the same. We complete one another and together, when walking in His design, our lives will be a testimony of His love and grace!
January 29th, 2010
Tags: battle, Enemy, Friend, Love
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Loving an enemy. Hum. Who is our enemy?
Matthew 5:43-47
“You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”
I have heard this Scripture all of my Christian life and maybe even before. Love your enemies. I have often though about the call on the Christian’s life to heed this concept but never really understood many of the implications that God brings with His challenge for us to love one another, yes even our enemies.
I recently experienced a situation where this passage was illuminated brighter than I could have imagined. It was one of those “aha” moments that blew my mind away.
In 2005 I encountered a group of people that upset my entire world. They interrupted the foundation of my life. Their actions brought about huge consequences that were very difficult to overcome. To some degree there was a lasting impact that is not even completely resolved today. This group was led by a man whom at the time I referred to as my “Enemy”. From what I went through it appeared he was seemingly trying to destroy my very soul.
A few months after the main thrust of this attack my enemy requested a meeting with me. I very reluctantly agreed to the meeting figuring this may get him off of my back. With a second person for support we met in my office for about an hour. I found the meeting to be quite surprising because I saw something in this man that I had not seen previously. I saw a human being who had a heart and a soul. He shared some very vulnerable things about his life which were surprising to me. I responded with an open heart towards him since he seemed to be so open and honest himself.
From this meeting something inside of me began so shift. Several months later he came back into my world through attending a ministry meeting I was leading. He was kind, and socially friendly. I found it easier to be around him this time.
Through his coming to another ministry meeting and a series of casual meetings with him it became clear that there was a connection being built between us that didn’t seem so negative. Feeling caught off guard, I was growing from my interaction with him. He was teaching me things that were interesting and valuable to me.
Now, over four years later, we are working on projects and enjoying the time we spend together. He and I were sitting in my office the other day and we were talking about the events in 2005. I described him using the term “enemy” and something blew through my brain like it came from heaven! The scripture above, “love your enemies” ran around my head. I looked at my friend in the middle of my amazing revelation and directly and said:
“I can’t imagine using the term “enemy” in describing you anymore. You are my friend”
He smiled and nodded in agreement. I think it might have been a little uncomfortable for him to hear that. This was his response to our meeting:
“Hey John. Had a good time yesterday. I am continually excited and feel more and more enriched as more of the evolution of our friendship becomes clear in the ways we’ve affected one another. So cool!”
After our meeting I pondered the concept of loving your enemies and found that God had led me through an amazing life lesson. I wondered if what God had in store for us is that if we can learn to love our enemies, we may find new friends who will teach us things growing lessons of life. I also thought about another scriptural principle that we are not fighting against flesh and blood, but against principalities in the heavens. When I looked back at that day so long ago, I started out thinking I was fighting against a man who was leading a group. I didn’t want to talk to him and wished he would just vacate my life. He was my enemy.
My convictions haven’t changed about the issues that brought us into a battle. I am not sure his have either. We haven’t lived with an agenda to try to change one another. We haven’t made a project of one another out of our time together. I have tried most of all to seek to know him and what he finds important about life.
Today, I really like this guy. He is gracious, kind, thoughtful and faithful. He is a servant, a giver, and loves people. He thinks deeply, he is intensely creative, loves his family and follows convictions that are significant to his life values. Ultimately, no matter what his qualities are, he is human and loved by God. It is my responsibility to battle with spirutual principalities in a heavenly way and to learn to love people, even if they appear to be enemies. I have a new name for the seeming enemy of my life years ago, it is Friend.
January 12th, 2010
Tags: abortion, find my family, God's Grace
Posted in Get Into John's Head | No Comments »
This side of heaven, we’ll never find these children.
I have been watching two television programs lately, “Find My Family”, and “The Locator”, that bring deep passion and tears every time I watch them. Through gripping stories of choices, pain, separation, and loss my heart wrenches with sadness and ends with unspeakable joy.
They are reality shows where lost family members are reunited with their biological parents or siblings. The deep groaning of the mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters stemming from the separation over years of anxiety from concern are often kept deeply buried within their hearts. Some keep the secret of a previous birth their entire life.
With Abortion, this side of Jesus there will not be a reunion of the lost child with their biological family. There will be no joy of stroking the face of her “little boy” by his grieving mother after he is found at 30 years old. No laughter and tireless hugs of siblings who finally find their lost sister.
Abortion brings about permanent loss, here on earth, of an innocent child. It brings unbearable grief from a mother who struggled with her heart. She may have struggled so deeply that she entered into a contract with a medical facility, designed to saves lives, to suck the life out of this little one. She will likely bury the groaning of her heart so deeply that it becomes a cancer of her soul.
She may never tell another soul here on earth what she has done; keeping her pain to herself she may not ever find healing from the wounds underneath this choice. She may never find the arms of a forgiving Father around her which can heal the deeply seated shame she has felt for so many years.
God’s grace is big enough to forgive a mother who chooses abortion. God’s grace proves to cover the shame so deep it keeps us bound to it as though it were like the wrappings of a preserved mummy.
It is His grace that will heal the wounds of abortion for us all. It is the cross of Christ that carried our pain before we ever entered into it. It is the gift of His life that gave us life after our sin filled choices.
The child? He is in His hands. She is being held in His arms of love. The mother? Jesus offers her his forgiving love. She will find healing through His truth.
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
January 1st, 2010
Tags: john and vileen, JohnSmid
Posted in Get Into John's Head, Personal for the Smids, Uncategorized | No Comments »
New Year’s resolutions are not something I have ever really gotten into. However, when my wife and I celebrated our 21st anniversary this last December we made some decisions about how we wanted to spend this next year.
We love people and cherish our friends. We have been privileged to know many awesome people and really love to spend time with them. But, as many would say about our convictions about money, just look at my check register and you will see where my priorities are. It is the same about our relational calendar. We go year after year “wishing” we would have spent the time more with our friends. There are friends we have known for a very long time that we have not chosen to spend time with unless it is a common event or passing by in a store. We feel regretful and know we have missed out because we have ignored initiating more time with them.
So, this year, we are going to take the initiative to act upon our heart’s desire. We are going to choose to invite people into our lives. We will also invite ourselves into their lives! If it is just a stopping by, or a simple pizza night at our house, it is our hope that next New Year’s Eve we can say we were richer because of the time we spent with people that we love.
Then, there are those who we don’t know so well that God has laid upon our hearts. Those folks that we have said, over and over, we need to get with them. Some of these people are struggling with life and we have wanted to encourage them. Others may not be someone who is naturally who we would choose to spend time with but God is nudging us in that direction. We need to make them a priority as well.
So, friends and soon to be friends, look for John and Vileen to interrupt your lives with our smiling faces! For those of you who may not expect it, look for us to “invade” your lives.
Or, if you’d like, give us a call! It is our intention to not spend as much time letting the weeks go by sitting around home in our lazy routine. I do plan on watching American Idol and Biggest Loser but it may be recorded for later.
How about you? Is there someone God is laying on your heart to spend time with? Let’s compare notes in a year.
December 30th, 2009
Tags: john smid, The Journey of Thomas
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas | 4 Comments »
I’m through with church.
Have you felt the way I have recently? Has church become a drag instead of a joy? Does it seem that going to church is just something you do because you have always done it?
Have you experienced painful church splits, arguments, division like I have? Are there questions you have been afraid to ask like: what am I supposed to do with all of this? What is the purpose of going to church? Do I have to agree with my pastor?
Just kidding!
Actually I am in church everytime the doors are open. Whenever the restaurant table gathers believers or each Saturday night when our fellowship comes together I am in church. When I skype my friend in Perth Australia for over an hour or gather each day in discipleship meetings with other brothers, I am in church. When I sit with friends in a worship service enjoying a teaching or a time of celebration, I am in church. When my close friend and I spend three hours grappling over passages of Scripture, we are in church. Wherever two or three have gathered, we are in church.
But, I found myself asking, “What is this all about?” “Why am I here?” “Where does all of this lead”? “Why are we getting together?” I began a new journey in life.
I have spent the last several years writing The Journey of Thomas and I hope it will be published soon. I was reading through the introductory section of the book and wanted to share this heartfelt, God inspired journey of my own with you all.
It is my hope that each person who reads this book will be more motivated and more equipped to share with others the hope they have experienced through their relationship with Jesus Christ. If you are reading this and don’t seem to feel that hope today, it is my prayer that through reading this book, God will show you His awesome love that never leaves us or forsakes us. At the end of this book, you will find my own story of hope that began in my life many years ago.
It is my personal belief that one of the most effective models of sharing the Love of Christ with others is through authentic relationships. This kind of love comes out naturally as we hear one another’s hearts and value one another’s created purpose for life.
How I Started on the Journey
The Dream
In 2005, God began to work in my heart in a new way. He gave me a vision of a church building. This church was a square block style building with a foyer outside of its double entrance doors that was simple and more of a breezeway than a formal foyer.
As the doors opened up I saw people inside that were very busy. They were sitting in a variety of places. There were pews in the room but they were not connected to the floor and scattered about. They weren’t randomly scattered however. They were specifically placed for unique purposes.
There were people praying alone; bowing, walking, sitting. There were small groups of people praying together. There were people laughing in joyous fellowship. It was clear that the image I saw was that the pews were flexible and this room was designed for multipurpose use.
On the walls were stunning abstract sculptures. They were made of hand blown glass in ultra luminescent colors and so beautiful to look at. There was a cross hanging on the front wall that was made of the same hand blown glass. The blues, greens, oranges, reds, and whites were incredible and glistening with swirling brightness.
A man stood up front on a short stool. He was chanting out loud as if he were practicing for something. He had a black cleric’s robe on and there was a tailor that was hemming his sleeves while he stood there.
When I prayed about this vision, the Lord seemed to give me its meaning. He said that he wanted the pews loosened so that we would be free from a habitual existence within our gatherings. He wanted us to be free in our worship, our prayer, and our fellowship with each other. He made it clear that these people in their various activities were a pleasure to Him.
He said that the sculptures hanging on the walls of this room were works of art that exemplified the gifts He had given His people. These were callings, gifts, natural talents, spiritual gifts that were so special to Him that He wanted them displayed. It was to Him like a parent hanging a picture their children painted on the front of the refrigerator for everyone to see. He made mention that too many of His children had their gifts hidden away and that we were not celebrating each other the way He would like us to.
The Cross was the gift of His son to all of us and that it was similar to the others in that all of the gifts were given from the Father to be displayed, that was His gift to us.
Now to the chanting robe bearing man, God said he was representative of the history of the Body of Christ. There are traditions that we had lost as a Body and needed to try them on again and to be refit for them. He wanted us to reconnect to some of the traditions that represent our history and our family. He didn’t want us to forget them. This represented the stories, the lives and the accomplishments of others that brought us to where we are today.
My Response
After pondering that vision for many years now, I am more excited about being a Christian than I have been for some time. I finally felt that God was freeing me to be myself, to experience Him uniquely. I breathed a sigh joy thinking that my Father in heaven was really excited about my gifts and others as well. I have wondered if the dream was more for me than anything! God wants me to be free from the shackles of my own fears.
I spent many years of my Christian life sitting in pews and church buildings. I was relieved to think that there were many ways for us to celebrate our God with each other and it didn’t all have to be in straight rows facing the front or in buildings organized to facilitate church programs.
But something even more profound happened in my heart. For the first time in many years God inspired me to a renewed desire to reach the lost, the brokenhearted for Him.
I began to pray seeking Him for a plan. What did He want me to do with what He had shown me? So, for four years I prayed. I sorted through my varied responses some not so pretty to talk about. I began to wrestle with my vocational life. I had been in the same ministry for over 20 years and felt called to it. It was tremendously satisfying for most of those years but something started to change.
I’ve read through some books on “missional” churches, “organic” churches “house churches” and found some great inspiration through them but there seemed to be something still missing. Some of these books were tremendous and liberating in my heart but at times they left me feeling frustrated and critical. I had to continue working through that too. It seemed they were just another kind of church program that didn’t look that much different from where I had been.
God began to rock my world through adversity and relational challenges. I began to experience shifting in every area of my life. I had no idea how tough things were going to get for me and thankful that the Lord took me through it all gradually.
The Splitting Church
I was a part of a great organized church that went through a horrible and wounding internal breakdown where two thirds of the congregation left along with the majority of the staff including the Senior Pastor. Then I began to visit other churches sporadically almost feeling relieved that I didn’t attend an organized church every Sunday morning. I remember one Sunday sitting on my cool breezy front porch wondering if this pleased the Lord for me to just be quiet before him instead of going out to a church that day. I thought this surely was liberation from being bound to some church habits that had brought so much pain anyway.
I settled into a small Bible study group of about 16 people that were fast becoming really close friends. I started to ask the question about whether this would replace the larger organized church for me and others. Most of the time this weekly Saturday night gathering meant more to me than a majority of formal organized church services I had been to in the recent years. We met together every week, ate a meal and studied the Bible together, supported and encouraged each other with prayer and counsel. We surrounded each other at weddings, funerals, and hospitals. We ate meals together sometimes; I had spontaneous lunches with the men. I affectionately called it my church of 16 members and 12 regular attenders. What is the church anyway? I began to ask questions that I never felt the liberty to ask. I found it challenging to answer the question so often asked, “Where do you go to church”. I would squeamishly say, “Oh, my main fellowship is with our small group that meets on Saturday nights.”
As I looked around my city I found that our organized church wasn’t the only one going through splitting and internal breakdowns. God reminded me of a huge storm that occurred in Memphis where within twenty minutes trees had fallen all around town, telephone poles laying in the streets and electricity out for weeks for some. The word I received from our locals was that the majority of the trees that fell were rotten inside but we just didn’t see it. I began to ponder what had happened.
God spoke to me in response to this event. “I had to clean the garden from the rottenness that was inside the trees. I am sorry it was inconvenient for you all but it had to be done”.
I saw how this event was similar to what I saw was happening within our local organized churches. It became apparent that through the adversity of internal battles for control, God was cleaning my heart, challenging me to new growth and direction. He was also challenging others in the same say. Yes, it is inconvenient, but it has to be done. I also had to get honest about the fact that I had not really experienced true relationship with the majority of those I knew. I had however, experienced the habit of going to church and smiling with a hole in my heart longing for connection that was meaningful.
But there was still something aching in me. I found another organized church that seemed to have something special and I knew some friends who had been going there and said they enjoyed it. So, I happened to meet a couple at a home cookout who went there and they invited us to attend so we went the next day.
I resigned myself that maybe this might become what we needed and would enjoy. The new fellowship of Christians very quickly embraced us. I was invited to speak and share my gifts with the body there. The pastor was very supportive of me personally and spoke into my life with great encouragement. So we joined this church with the hope in our hearts that we would find a special ministry there and fellowship that was fulfilling.
I was invited to share a teaching series with a small group there. I called it “The Tributaries of Grace”. I started out the series inviting the participants to focus this series on a person or people that they wanted to reach with the grace of God. This could have been a friend, a family member or someone they were having a difficult time with.
Something new came alive in my heart. I realized that through the years of ministry experience I mostly responded to healing and recovery for those who came to us. This had changed to looking outwardly into the lives of those who haven’t begun their own journey yet or were stuck along the road. So, there was a glimpse of a major change in my heart at that point.
During this season another very deeply invested part of my life became a huge challenge. The internal workings of the ministry I had led for over 20 years became broken, confusing and wounding. I tried every way I knew how to correct the wrongs. I prayed, sought intercession and counsel but things continued to worsen. The conflicts and distractions increased and I felt trapped in a place I had celebrated for so many years. I hated leaving my home every day to go to a place that was such a personal and corporate challenge for everyone. What was God doing? How could it be like this? It seemed no matter which way I turned I couldn’t find a solution.
I began to search God’s heart for some answers. This time I began to ask different questions than before. I pondered questions that would take me deeper than just asking what organized church to attend. God, what is Your church? Where is Your church? What does it mean to serve You? How do I fit into Your church? Who is Your church? God, where do you want me to be?
After a couple of years of tremendous heartache I left my position with that ministry in faith that God had something He was leading me to. One of the first answers He gave me was to free me from the ministry I led. It became very clear that God was allowing me to close the door on that season of my life and begin anew. I felt strongly that he wanted me to take all I had learned and experienced there and use it in a new way.
I began to adjust to being away from that ministry I finally let my guarded heart open to some extent within the church I had discovered. I began to feel released to step further into ministry there. But as I got further into the workings of this church there were rumblings of discontent and elder / pastor problems that seemed to have been developing over a period of months. One Sunday, we went through a painful confusing combustion from these problems within the organizational leadership. That day, there was a split and the elders and staff resigned leaving the pastor and about one half of the original congregation. I left on that overwhelming Sunday feeling lost and hurt realizing that many of my new friends were going different directions. It had happened again, now what. How many more times will we see this happen?
A New Beginning
Needless to say, I was swimming in discouragement and hopelessness. What will I do now? What is God doing? I surely didn’t want to attend any organized church the next week and decided to attach to our home group even more. I began to accept things as they were and received a peace from the Lord.
I became encouraged and freer than I had been in a long time. After a few months, I felt Him answer me in another very unique way. He said, “Watch for the Springs of Living Water to come up out of the streets and sidewalks of the city. Get prepared! This water is the Living Water as unto salvation. I am inspiring my people to come to me and I want my Body to be prepared to receive them but they will not be coming to the front doors of the organized church buildings, they will need you to go to them, to listen for their voices, to know them and care about them. Go out into the streets”.
Whoa! These many years of confusion and pain has brutally moved me to go outside the walls of the organized churches! Building by building God has seemingly jack hammered me loose from my own traditions, religious practice and patterns of habit! He changed my entire world.
I began to see His “church” was everywhere I met or gathered with followers of Jesus Christ. I saw that I was having church every day! My new church didn’t have membership other than to believe in Jesus Christ. I enjoyed lunches, spontaneous meetings in the market places of my life which became encouraging connections with the Body of Christ. I found that when I took my eyes off of the Sunday ritual I had allowed to become a habit and hallowed ground, I saw the Body of Christ everywhere I went.
I have seen a new thing develop in my life. I am, more than any time in my life, excited to see someone come to a relationship with Jesus Christ that is authentic, life changing and invigorating! I have felt my eyes perk up in a watchful manner to see if I can see what He sees. There are lost children out there, Lord? Where are they? Do you want me to go to them? Where will I find them?
I felt him saying, “You won’t find them inside the walls of the churches.” “Walk as Jesus did, in the highways and byways, in the world around you.” “You will find them there.”
Living Outside the Walls
Well, this past six months I have found myself in some really strange places. I have entered the world with weak knees, curiosity, and timidity. I am not prepared for this! I am uncomfortable in the world. It is too strange for me. I want to be comfortable, safe, and this isn’t a safe place.
I was reminded that we don’t live in a “G” rated world. This world is not my home! But, I am asked to enter it with my whole heart so as to be in it, but carefully so as not to become “of” it.
Wow, this is really exciting – and dangerous. I have been around people and involved in circumstances that were similar to my sin filled past but I had forgotten my old life long ago. I have heard language, seen behavior and gone places that many told me in the organized church I should not be around. I have lived in a white washed world sanitized in such a way that was to keep us safe from the world. What about the real grit of this world? What about getting our hands really dirty – for the Kingdom?
As I have gone through this journey of change, God has inspired me to write the Journey of Thomas. I have lived out the principles that laid the foundation for this series for many years in a very different setting. Now they seem to have become applicable in other settings that I am not sure I understood at the time. I certainly didn’t see this as I began to write the Journey.
Now that I have written the last session on Honor, I can say with excitement that it is my greatest hope that this will inspire the Body of Christ to turn their eyes outside the walls of the church to see what God is doing. It would be awesome if this material would prepare many for the harvest that God is preparing for His Church to receive.
I believe that one of the greatest tools of evangelism for our world today is our own story, our own life. We live in a world that hungers for connection. So many are living lives of aloneness, fear and shame that for some the only way they will come out of their prisons will be holding the hand of someone they trust though knowing they can relate.
The Journey of Thomas begins with honest self evaluation and along the way I hope the inspiring, grace filled, forgiving and restoring voice of the Living God will permeate our souls with desire for His children to come to know Him and to find maturity through authentic fellowship with other followers of Jesus.
Along the Journey, after God deepens our heart for Him, I hope we will have a Well of His Living Water to share with the thirsty souls around us that He reveals to us.
Are there going to be Springs of Living Water as unto salvation coming up from your streets and sidewalks? Are you prepared to receive them? Are your eyes fixed forwardly in rows facing the front of your church experiences? Or, are you beginning to feel the pews coming loose underneath your familiar places? Would you like your Father to celebrate your life on the walls of your fellowship? Do you want to connect to all the saints who have gone before you with wonderful stories of life and traditions?
Get ready for a rocky challenging ride. Be prepared for some things along the way that may confuse you; but God has a plan to move you closer to Him and closer to His heart’s desire for people to come to Him.
I found one of the answers to my question, “What does it mean to serve the Lord” was simple and straight forward. To serve Him is to serve His people with His message of new life, hope, and healing. He wants us to never tire of speaking of the hope that is within us. Will we walk the streets of our lives with our hands outstretched just like His were on the cross? Unafraid, unashamed, and ready to embrace, to hear, to value and honor, those we find in the fields.
Matt. 11: 28-29
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
The Journey of Thomas is designed to answer to Thomas’ question; I don’t know where you are going, Lord. Show me the way. I would venture to say; you may find this question answered for yourself.
December 18th, 2009
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Grace Rivers Ministry – 2009 Yearend Review
Now that we are closing 2009, I wanted to reflect on some things God has done over this last year. Grace Rivers has been in its formation now for over a year. This is our first full fiscal year in operation. As in any newly formed ministry there are often many unresolved questions about exactly what God has in mind. We began with a tremendous desire to offer a message of healthy relationships. We have had the hope that those around us that are orphaned by the body of Christ might be found and brought back into productive and effective growth in Christ. This burden continues and gets stronger each day.
This year we developed The Journey of Thomas. This material has brought clarity and foundational communication regarding our vision. We have taught The Journey of Thomas at several retreats and conferences and have received tremendous feedback from its truth. Through the summer months John Smid wrote email articles which ended up being the draft for a book named The Journey of Thomas. This book is in the process of being published and we are thrilled as we anticipate its printing. Sue DeRaad has written reflections from her heart for each core value in the Journey making this a tremendous project. Todd Posey has worked alongside John and Sue in helping with the project as a whole.
Over five years ago John Smid had a vision to begin some form of fellowship that might encourage intimate communication and relationships for men and women. This vision was primarily focused on those who were longing for a deeper connection in life with others. In answer to prayer, John was introduced to Stacy Tyson who is the director of Truth Seekers Fellowship here in Memphis. Through weekly meetings together they found that they were in sync with the same desire. They developed a model of small groups of three to read God’s word, share life together and encourage each other towards mission in their lives. They have called these groups Life Transformation Groups.
Since this last summer, there have been numerous “LTG’s” that have formed. There is a desire to build these groups into a network of small groups to become even more effective in deepening individual relationships with each other and with the Lord and in reaching the lost sheep in our world. John is currently mentoring five men individually to impart the message of the LTG into their lives.
Individual Counsel
Several times each week we are contacted by someone wanting to know how they can relate better to a family member or friend in a challenging or stressful situation. Through his years of experience John has been able to provide helpful wisdom or practical application to set these folks free from their fears.
Special Projects
John has been working with two individuals who are producing documentaries that will tell the story of God’s grace and His desire to reach those needing hope. John’s personal story will be told through these works in progress and it is our desire to see them reach the public next year. Through these mediums it is his desire that they will produce opportunities for even more sharing of the Journey of Thomas and hopefully increasing the circulation of John’s book after it is printed.
Dramatic Move of God’s Spirit
The formation of Grace Rivers Ministry is proving to be a dramatic work of God’s spirit. The depth of the message of the Journey of Thomas and a fresh message of God’s grace for His people is certainly rich and still being formulated but the energy is quite present!
It is our conviction that as God has said in His word that Jesus has died to give us LIFE and LIFE ABUNDANTLY. It is our desire to be vessels of His life to a lost and broken world. As in our vision statement, we are postured to be “Followers of Jesus Christ impacting our WORLD one person at a time!” It is thrilling to see this come to fruition as we press on.
Just last week John had the opportunity to have had significant connections with 14 men in one day in different venues. Now this is the church as described in Hebrews 10:25! This is the practical application of stimulating one another towards love and good deeds, two by two, group by group, person by person in the Name of Jesus. This is the mission of Grace Rivers.
When he drew a team of leaders together to build the foundation for Grace Rivers, it was a move of faith. At a time when our current financial environment is so shaky, we have stepped out in obedience to Christ believing this message of hope is more valuable than ever. God has honored our decision and opened up doors beyond our first vision.
It has been with great sacrifice and hard work that Grace Rivers is getting off the ground. It is our desire as a ministry to be as frugal as possible. Our main financial needs surround providing John with a living wage which we have not been able to do as of this time. John and his wife Vileen have given up many comforts and have been willing to live with daily provision as God has led through this year. However, as of this date, there are upcoming needs that cannot be met without God’s leading and provision. John does not have health insurance and has spoken with us about upcoming tax payments and other annual needs that are of concern.
We are pleased that throughout this formational time for Grace Rivers John has been able to put his full time effort in the development of a timely and important ministry outreach. We want that to continue because we can only see more needs coming in this next year that will take his full attention. Such opportunities as more conferences, speaking engagements, and personal ministry for many individuals will require him being able to devote his energies in that direction.
Please join with us in prayer and financially. We hope you will consider making a yearend gift to get us through the present needs. We are praying to close the year with at least $5000 above our typical monthly gifts. This would go a long way in giving us the boost we need to relieve the ministry of the burdens at this time.
Thankfully,
December 18th, 2009
Tags: Development, Grace Rivers Development
Posted in Get Into John's Head, Grace Rivers Development, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Dear Friends,
As we celebrate the birth of Jesus, I cannot help but be thankful for His life and transforming power in our world. It is his personal touch and intervention that brings me hope; not only for myself, but for the many whose lives He will touch deeply.
This year God has taken me deeper into understanding the true meaning of Grace. He has challenged my critical spirit that can rise up when I am feeling fearful or insecure. He has continued to transform my life by shaving off the portions that do not reflect Him.
I have enjoyed spending rich time in fellowship with others who are seeking God’s love in their lives. I have been privileged to know men who are lonely, some who are recovering from a life challenge, a few who just need a listening ear and some that are there for mutual support and encouragement.
My wife and I have had a precious time of renewal in our relationship from an intentional time away with each other. At 21 years of marriage, we were long overdue for a tune up.
It has been encouraging for us to walk alongside the Lord in such a way as to seek Him each day for His provision, His leading, and His plans. I can think of many times I have been at the end of my rope and found myself searching in His Word for hope, an answer, or to know Him better.
Writing the Journey of Thomas has been none other than a miracle in and of itself. To think that I would write a book was clearly foreboding, but God devised a plan through which He would surprise me! Low and behold, when I compiled all of the sections that were written, the basic material was there! I hope it is published this coming year.
I worked as a car salesman for a short period of time. It was surreal for sure. I was willing, and thought I understood the plan God had for me in working there but within two weeks, God surprised me again and showed me His heart – for mine and His willingness to allow me to pursue my dreams for a life of ministry. I am thankful that I was only there for two weeks!
At the end of this year, it is my desire to remain thankful. Just a couple of years ago, God opened my heart and my eyes to see that He wanted to free me to follow a new dream that seemed so unclear. He challenged me to be willing to go wherever He might lead me. My wife and I are at that place. We have agreed to keep our hearts in a “Whatever Lord!” place. It is both exciting and fearful for us for sure. But, at this moment the dream seems to become a little clearer. This next year will surely be interesting.
We hope that your new year will be filled with the knowledge of the Love of Christ in a very personal way. Our prayers go out for you and those you love.
A very Merry Christmas, and a blessed New Year!
John J. Smid
Executive Director
December 18th, 2009
Tags: Feelings, Journey of Thomas, The Body
Posted in Get Into John's Head, The Journey of Thomas, Uncategorized | No Comments »
I’ve written a great teaching on the significance of expressing our feelings. I have long touted the importance of sharing the feelings we have in order to express them, release them, and resolve them. The scriptures talk about when one part of the body hurts, the whole body hurts.
This morning as I left the fitness center after a good work out, I was putting my gym bag into the car. I was feeling pretty good and as I slid the rear door of our minivan shut a bolt of electricity went through my whole body! Yeeeeeaw! My thumb screamed to my body, I’m stuck between these two doors!!!!!
I quickly pulled the handle open to release the door from my thumb and looked at a very ugly sight. I will not describe it to you so as to not spread my experience too far into your life.
I grabbed something to wrap my thumb in and with everything in my I began to pray asking God to free me from this pain. I started to intentionally breathe heavy, in, out, in… out, in…. out, with the hope that this may help with the pain. Hey it works for delivering children; maybe it will work for me!
As I was gingerly driving home all I could think of is, I need to see Vileen and share my pain with her. Then I thought about the feelings material that I had written. I really needed to share my pain because something inside me told me it would make it better.
So, as I drove up to the house and went inside, I found Vileen and showed her my sorry thumb. It did help to share my pain. She entered into the solution with me to find something to wrap my thumb. She was giving instruction for making it better. We thought it would be a good idea to get a thumb guard to protect it so I drove to Walgreen’s to see if they had one.
At the counter I spoke with the pharmacist about my smashed thumb. She said, “Oh, I’ve done that. That brings back some painful memories.”
She understood my pain because she had done that herself.
Why can we at times be so reticent to share our emotional pain with others? It helps to let others know. It relieves some of the burden to know someone else has gone through the same thing I have.
Within about an hour or so I had shared my smashed thumb with three people and it started to not hurt so badly. I have wrapped it and am now into the flow of the day. I have a big clumsy thumb but I’m ok now. Life is moving on.
Find a place to share your pain today. Get it out there and release it. Maybe it will help.
I never knew I could draw a lesson from smashing my thumb but God uses some strange things to show us how to live our live better.
