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February 3rd, 2012

I Acknowledge – Part Five

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I acknowledge that through over 20 years of ministry with hundreds of men and women there were many misguided elements that were wounding, confusing, and just plain wrong.

But, I also want to acknowledge that it wasn’t all bad. I’ve received some emails and messages from people who have commented on the good things they received from being a part of Love In Action, or Exodus.

Most of the comments I have received from thankful participants have been focused on gaining courage, learning how to build better relationships and improving on communication skills and having more confidence. There have been comments on how much better their family relationships are. Some have told me about the growth away from unhealthy and addictive behaviors. Many have spoken about how they have become closer to God and better understand His love for them.

I often joked that I was a part of the “long term” program, In over two decades of being involved with Love In Action, I grew to become a more mature and healthy person in general.

But I can also say I was wounded, confused, and held hostage to deceptions and misguided truths. I want to share the mix of the things that were good and how my own experience with all of this affected me.

I’d like to give some insights as to how all of this affected me personally.

When I became a Christian I had failed at three significant gay relationships and I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I needed something greater than my own mess to show me that life could be better. As I discovered a relationship with Jesus I realized He loved me, heard my heart, and was willing to walk alongside me.

One of the first relationship decisions as a new Christian was to seek out a partner that was a Christian. Within a short amount of time, I met a man who was a godly, giving, healthy young man. He was an amazingly good influence on me. I was now a Christian, I was out as a gay man, I had good friends and a community that loved me right where I was and included my partner. Well, some of them loved him first since some of my friends came along with him. But none the less, after many challenges I was beginning to integrate my life.

In short order, our relationship failed because I was not healthy in my heart or in my ability to be a good steward of an intimate relationship. The internal work on my heart hadn’t gotten too far at this point. We walked away from each other and my life felt so empty that I went back to my old connections. I hooked up with an old partner and returned to the bar scene. The pain rushed back along with the depressive feelings I wanted so much to be gone.

I found an escape valve and left my partner. I walked into a singles ministry and a church that seemed to be a good place to land. And, it was in many ways. I was loved by  new friends and my mentor / pastor. I was finding a good place to rest that replaced my hunger to return to the unhealthy relationship I had just left. I knew I didn’t want all of that to be a part of my life again.

Neutral Sexuality

So, it seemed that my sexual desires had been taken away.  The fresh new life seemed to kind of snuff out the sexual drives that had been present. I was comfortable with my new friends for the most part but underneath, I still knew I was gay.

There was little opportunity to talk about being gay other than with a good friend who would listen.  But I wasn’t totally honest with him because most of our conversations were spiritual in nature and I just didn’t lay it all out on the table. He was pretty vulnerable with me and our relationship grew, but I quickly became jealous of his spiritual walk and his heterosexuality.

I became overwhelmed as I struggled  in this relationship which caused some confusion and created barriers to my ongoing growth. I continued to stuff my internal desires in an attempt to be like the others around me. I was very lonely in my heart but honestly I was relieved to not have to deal with having an intimate relationship like the ones I had with the men previous to becoming a Christian.

So, I fully embraced the world of evangelical Christianity. I was taught bible concepts, I was very active in the church community, and I quickly learned the “right and wrong” ways to live. It was very clear from all I was taught that “homosexuality” was a sin. This left me with no options, everything I had buried in my heart had to stay there. I needed to learn how to move on. Move on to what? I didn’t know. But, I assumed it was a better place because that was what I was told it would be.

I was lonely for intimacy and realized that if a same sex relationship was out of bounds, then maybe I should try to find a girl again. So, I met a couple of ladies and dated them. Each one ended badly due to unfulfilled desires for everyone concerned. I felt guilty that my initiative in pursuing them caused all of us further harm.  I met another lady who seemed interested in something more with me but we were primarily involved in group functions within the singles ministry. At one point it seemed the interest grew and we went out together more individually. This worked for a season, but at one point I began to shut down emotionally and closed off.  I struggled greatly with what was going on and felt so guilty that I was causing another painful situation to occur.

Maybe They Can Help?

After about two years I learned about Exodus and Love In Action. I had so many questions about my own life and a hunger to help others so I pursued a staff position with Love In Action. I thought maybe this would be a place to explore what was going on in my heart and I would find others who would understand.

Moving to California to work with Love In Action was a VERY costly endeavor. I had two daughters I was leaving behind that were  just 8 and 10 years old. I owned a home that I had to sell.  I had over $30,000 from a severance settlement from my job. In my desire to find answers to lifelong questions I chose to live on the savings and give everything else up and move 1500 miles away. I felt convicted that this was the right thing to do. It seemed the Lord was in it all since there were unexplainable things that took place in order for all of this to happen. So, I left my children, my family and Nebraska and began a new life.

As I entered into my new home and community, I did find a place we could talk more about things that were going on.  This was very freeing for me because people had such similar experiences and we talked a lot about them. There was a heavy emphasis of “healing” and “change” regarding homosexuality.  Since we were all hurting so much, that was good news! We learned that God loved us so much that He wanted to help us, to change us. So, the emphasis was placed on a hope that God would heal us more, and tomorrow would be better.

When I left Nebraska, the relationship with the girl I was dating remained stuck and I felt by relocating the pressure would be relieved. And it did! But after arriving in California, our communication continued through letters and telephone contact. Since the pressure was less, I opened up more and we remained connected with regular contact. It felt good to have someone who cared about me. It helped me not to feel so alone in my new environment. It also provided something for the folks in the ministry to see that gave them hope for their own “heterosexual” possibilities. So, we remained an “item” and I talked about our relationship with those around me. There was a lot of encouragement to continue pursuing her.

I quickly became very involved in all of the things available through the “ex-gay” network. Conference after conference, teaching, healing prayer, healing seminars, seeking God deeply, fasting, hope upon hope that this (homosexuality) would go away. If it didn’t, we were taught to praise God anyway and continue on the journey.

Changes Came – but not as expected

I began to change for sure. But not as I had hoped. I learned how unhealthy my codependency was and how it had harmed my former relationships. I learned that my behavior choices had caused many problems. I discovered that I had to find autonomy from my wounded family history. I discovered gifts and talents that had been hidden and began to see good things in who I am as a person.

The discovery of healthier communication, forgiveness, and releasing things that held me back – brought a lot of healing to my life. Daily reading of the Scriptures and other books, teaching, and prayer brought me to understand God’s desire to be close to me were all extremely helpful. I grew in leaps and bounds into more of who I was created to be, which was very affirming.

But, my internal struggles with being gay remained untapped and lingered underneath the surface like a looming secret waiting to come out at any moment. We learned to keep this presumed “awful beast” at bay through staying away from temptations that were connected to it. It seemed I had to grasp that my homosexuality was an enemy of my soul and to fear its power to destroy my life.  It was clear that the message was “Don’t have any relationships with people who are “unrepentant” homosexuals.” “Don’t go near gay places or places where gay people hang out.” We believed these things would draw you back and you would slide back into our old ways. As I looked across the bay at San Francisco it had a “dark and luminous sinful haze” surrounding it in my mind. I believed it was the virtual center of everything that was the enemy of my soul.

Oh No,  Here It Comes Again!

Shortly after arriving in California I met a man that struck me deeply. I had felt very lonely and had prayed fervently for a friend. It seemed that this was an answer to my prayers.  I began to pursue a relationship with him. He was a part of our ministry so I felt it was OK to get to know him. The emotional fulfillment that I discovered became a major focus of my every waking hour. I looked forward to talks on the phone, we specially planned Saturday events together and every hug that I could snag was a plus. Praying with him while holding hands was something that seemed to fit within the allowable standards, so I enjoyed that as well.

I called it a good friendship. I searched my heart for areas that might have been inappropriate while both of us continued to hang out together. It opened up a door to my heart that was very hard to close. I was confronted about the relationship being “out of balance.” But I believed that through working the bugs out, it could remain a healthy friendship.

As the relationship continued I fantasized about what it could be if it were to go further, but of course this was far too close to the feared monster of homosexuality so I disciplined my mind to stay away from those thoughts. As a result of the tension within me, conflicts came between us. I felt guilty, jealous and ashamed because it was beginning to feel dangerous. Our leaders called it an “emotionally dependent” relationship and I began the process of repenting of the “idolatry” of the extreme nature of the relationship. All of this wounded both of us deeply. I called him to talk about the ways we were both being hurt and felt it best to not seem him any more. I had to push this away because of the pain it was bringing into my life.

I didn’t want to go back into my old ways! Life back then was painful and I assumed it was because it was “gay.” I didn’t separate the unhealthiness part from the “being gay” part and just lumped them all together. So, I tried very hard to tow the line by isolating myself from anything that might have had a slight growl, or hint of my painful past.

But the secret continued as a hole in my soul. I didn’t feel there was any room to talk about this, so I continued to bury it and go to sleep at night with all of the confusion on my heart while asking God to remove it from my life.

Some More Good Things

I had developed some awesome relationships with people around me. Some of them are still friends today. I developed a good spiritual habit of bible reading, and prayer. I broadened my understanding of theology, church life, and a healthier sense of my part in the overall body of Christ. I learned about my family system and how it affected my development as a person.

I discovered I had a gift for writing, developing teaching outlines, and that I enjoyed public speaking. Computers had just become normal additions to the office environment so I found my aptitude to be self taught in software technology came in really handy! I learned about bookkeeping, office management, and payroll records. I have often said that my experience with Love In Action and Exodus became a practical replacement for a college degree.

I do not regret being a part of Love In Action and Exodus because there were many good things that came out of my roles there. But, none-the-less, I am still sorting out the wounds that remain as a result of some of the perspectives that were taught. And, I am still trying to work out my own homosexuality since I really didn’t get many answers about that within the may years with ex-gay ministry. The answer I taught and believed, was “push it away.”

To be continued: (Part two: More “Good, Bad, and Ugly” to come)

Acknowledge Series Click Here

 

January 27th, 2012

I Acknowledge! – Part Four

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I Acknowledge:

Through the LIA program, our teaching, and program activities, We established structure and rules that clients had to adhere to that promoted traditional gender roles and society’s assumptions.

We held them accountable regarding how men and women express themselves through their appearance. We also brought exposure to hobbies and activities that were traditionally male or female. Our structure and teaching stifled individuality and authenticity.

I felt Defensive!

When I began to look at this aspect of our program and the ministry focus I felt defensive and attempted to push back from this critique. I taught sessions on the variety of people, personalities, and expression. I got defensive because I thought certainly I believed that people had to have the freedom to express themselves. I knew there were conservative people, artistic people, uniquely gifted people and that there was a continuum of style that people utilized to express themselves. I didn’t believe I was stifling individuality!

I had one topic I called “Masculinity and Femininity” where I explored the intrinsic differences between men and women as well as the broader aspect of how culture puts us into boxes that we cannot live in. So, I felt confident that I covered this issue in a balanced way.

What I taught and the program structure were at odds with each other.

But, as I looked at the bigger picture of our ministry I had not considered the rules and structure of the program that held people to gender stereotypes. Women were led to purses and dresses in their specialized counseling agendas, men were taught masculine experiences like sports and held to short hair cuts and no facial hair as part of their programs.

Our motives were to encourage them to try out things that might be challenging, or even scary to try. In some cases these counseling practices were very effective, but in others they were harmful. I believe we were unable to see the harm when it occurred because underneath there was a cultural stereotype that we hoped would be achieved. It was an underlying goal to neutralize and to move towards a subjection to conservative living in the eyes of the Christian culture.

I have learned that for many gay men and women, forcing a traditional gender expectation can produce tremendous anxiety and bring about even greater shame. Honestly, I understand the anxiety that can come about through forcing these types of things. But, I had spent a lot of energy pushing this anxiety away and hid it underneath my own life. I always thought I was an advocate for the men and women who had come to the program but honestly, I wasn’t confident in my own experiences and really wasn’t what I thought I was.

“You” Should Carry a Purse!  -  But “You” Shouldn’t!

I remember Cheryl who didn’t carry a purse and wore a very short hair cut was taken for a makeover and shopped for her first purse. There was a lot of attention given and wonderful ladies were very loving through the process with her. They took her shopping, to the nail salon, and affirmed her for the new look. Cheryl loved the attention and was thankful for the relationships but in the end she was confused, and not welcoming of these new things.

I remember commenting on her purse and her look trying to help her see how much more fitting it was to the Christian culture. In the end, she said over and over she was uncomfortable carrying a purse and her hair quickly returned to the shorter style.

I feel sad today that I was so pursuant of her changes and not allowing her to discover her own tastes and believe in her own ability to find what she liked and didn’t like. I was more interested in her fitting in, than I was finding her own individual expression.

So, as I continue to revue these things I fully recognize that I had my own divided thinking. I taught one thing but in the structure of the program another message came through loud and clear, conform to society! ” Neutralize your look, appearance, so that others will be more accepting of you.”

We all know that we get some of our most creative geniuses from those in the gay community! Why would we want to stifle them, or corral them into a neutralized box! Art, music, food, decor, we are all blessed by the unique gifts that come from the more creative types.  Something else that we often forget, those who are gay are also often those who are more sensitive to relationships, caring, and mercy.  Stifling their wonderfully and amazingly gifted personalities removes the heart and soul from our communities.

The damage that can occur from attempting to stereotype people into “comfortable” boxes is very costly to them and brings a huge loss in our own life experience.

I know it wasn’t all bad.

Oh, sure, there were men who discovered they loved sports, and women who discovered they loved getting their nails done. People were brought to face some of their fears and moved forward.  Some people found different careers that were satisfying for them to discover. Moving towards college, or changes in life choices brought some to far improved lives.  I know it wasn’t all bad.

But, what I am feeling responsible for is the lack of freedom for people to discover these things for themselves and to listen more intently to those who didn’t find a desire to do so.

Football?  No Thank You

A personal life fear of mine has always been team sports.  When I was 19 years old I remember vividly talking with a close friend and “confiding” in him that I didn’t like football.  I had grown ti understand that being male, and liking football were synonymous. I felt tremendous anxiety thinking of verbalizing that I didn’t like football. Admitting this meant I was uncovering for someone else to see, that I was less masculine, or less male, due to my dislike of this sport.

I had a huge problem every year when the “Superbowl” would come around.  It was a time of the year when a tremendous amount of shame would come over my life and I tried to do the best I could to just numb myself out and stay hidden from others so they wouldn’t know I didn’t understand the sport, I didn’t know who was playing, and certainly didn’t watch the game. For me it was like saying I didn’t celebrate Christmas!

If someone had pushed me into watching the game I would have felt even more shameful.  It seemed that liking football and watching the Superbowl were expected norms of life and I wasn’t normal.

One Superbowl Sunday I was home and my wife was taking a nap. I saw a bunch of men on the balcony across the way with loud cheering and obviously celebrating the “holiday” of our culture.  I felt safely removed from the event and flipped the channels to come across the game.  It was the end of the game and the score was very close.  I found myself drawn to the competition. In the end I kind of enjoyed the rush of “who is going to win.” I was not pressured by anyone to watch the game. No one was there to make me feel stupid or ill equipped as a man.

After that event I felt safer to come to the next year and decided to host a Superbowl party.  I found that if I hosted it, I could focus on what I wanted to. We had games, great food, and people could watch, or not watch, the game. It was just a reason to get together.  I still don’t like football. I never know who’s playing, and don’t understand the structure of the sport.  I also don’t feel so embarrassed to speak this out loud. Liking football I discovered is NOT synonymous with being male.

I Wasn’t Honest With Myself

In all honesty, I think some of the reason for these structures and challenges come from my own personal fears. I have never fit into a traditional male form, and probably never will. I’ve always vacillated from conservative to expressive trying to find my own personal place in life. I have feared not fitting in if I were to be “different” so I conformed. This never really helped me to fit in any better because the issues were more internal than external. I still felt different.

I had a hard time accepting the uniqueness of my own life because I felt “less than” others, and certainly not like other men. I believed if I could find a more conforming life that I would feel better about myself and not so separated from the stereotype of what our culture deems “normal.”

My personal struggle was brought into the program that I had established. My own pursuit of overcoming my unique nature and personal compromise in order to gain the affirmation and acceptance of the world around me, affected the ministry I led. I feel personally responsible, and grieved that I could see this.

As I continue to find my natural place in life, I realize I didn’t consider the need for others to find their place. Hair styles, colors, career choices and special interests all play a role in people finding themselves and discovering their God given unique nature.

We used to call some of the outward choices “false images” and attempted to remove them. I now see that Cheryl’s purse was a false image for her and thankfully, she had enough courage to reject the purse because she knew it just didn’t fit her. A short hair cut for some men was also a false image for them. False images are those things that are not fitting with the true person inside. Rather than trying to help people find their unique nature, we actually tried to cover it up with what the culture deemed “normal.”

Discover Who You Are

Today I would encourage people to discover what is real for them. What fits them, is comfortable and natural to their personalities. When I look at modern programs like “American Idol” I find that I really enjoy the creative appearances of some of the contestants. It is those who are unique, and authentic that I find myself drawn to more than those who are trying to just fit in to win. God made us each unique. This can be uncomfortable for some, but what are the alternatives?  The loss of the soul of life.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Ps. 139:13-16

I desire the freedom to continue to discover who I am and how God created me to be. I also desire to give others this freedom!

***************

For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. Gal. 3:27-29

Read other articles in the “I Acknowledge” series - Click Here

 

January 19th, 2012

I Acknowledge – Part Three

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This is the third part in a series I am writing to acknowledge mistakes I have made through the ministry of Love In Action, Exodus International, and the Ex-gay movement and the harm and discouragement that resulted.

I Acknowledge

I taught material on child development theories to groups of parents with a bias towards a developmental causation of homosexuality.

I would often teach that we really didn’t know the cause of homosexuality and that science had not found definitive answers to its origins. However, I confused this message through the content of material I brought to groups of parents.

Teaching child development with an overlay of my own life development I would often relate it to how I believed I had become gay. Since science had not found absolutes, I was arrogant in teaching information as if I knew the origins!

It didn’t translate well to parents

I have always been a person who asked lots of questions about life and experience. Through the years of my own journey I looked for solutions to my own pain and confusion. When I learned about child development theories I found it to be a great way to seek answers to the deeper questions I had been asking about my childhood experiences. I found it helped me to grow in greater understanding of myself.

Since I was in an environment for over twenty years that taught that no one was born gay, then I figured there must be answers that could be found in our childhood experiences. So, I went on a personal quest to lay out a timeline of my life and I attempted to lay child development theories over the top to help me figure things out.

As I did this, it seemed to make sense to me that I had been born neutral and that things I went through had impacted me to develop same sex attractions during puberty. So, I thought, “This was it!” It was the experiences of my life that merged with my chemistry and bingo! I became gay. I have since changed my perspective on this.

The Wrong Assumptions

The deeper problem with this material is that it is very easy to place responsibility on the parents and loved ones of a gay person for their homosexuality. It could be assumed then, if the dad was distant, or the mom over close and too protective, then the blame could be found with the parents! If the neglect or abuse from a parent or loved one, then the gay person could say it was their fault.

As parents and loved ones came to conferences, or counseling weekends at Love In Action, and sadly, many other national events, they would come with grave concerns for those they loved. Child development theories were often taught at these events. In their attempts to seek answers that might “fix” their kids it was very easy for the grief stricken parents to take on unhealthy responsibility for something in their child’s life that many people would call “sin.” Therefore, the parents could go away not with freedom, but with greater burdens like “I caused the sin in my child’s life.”

“John, my parents came to one of the Love In Action conferences and left with such grief that I don’t believe my mom ever got over it. She was concerned about me and said that she felt guilty that she was such a bad parent all of my life. She went to her grave never feeling free from this deep burden.”

Wow, this is serious!

I think child development theories are a great tool to process a person’s life and find some answers. But when it is attached to homosexuality, it can easily be greatly misinterpreted by many who are listening.

Oh, I always prefaced my teaching with clear communication that I didn’t believe a parent caused their child’s homosexuality. One of my statements was , “Don’t be arrogant, you don’t have enough power to create a homosexual child.” But all of my warnings could not forestall a parents sense of responsibility, grief, and desire to repair their child’s homosexual inclinations.

I was asked to speak at a parents conference a couple of years ago after I gained insights about the seriousness of this issue. I told the host that I would not be teaching child development at the conference because I believed it could cause harm to those attending.

Back to the Drawing Board

Since I have been aware of the harmful potential of this material I have been doing some of my own study regarding the origins of homosexuality. I have had my eyes opened up to some amazing new insights.

I have learned that it is highly possible that many of the things that I used to say “caused” a homosexual orientation, may have in fact been a result of being gay to begin with. Things such as a distant father. Was the father distant because he really didn’t understand how to relate to a son who was gay? I think this far more likely.

Or what about an over protective mother? Was she sensitive to her son because she intuitively knew that he was being teased, ridiculed, and set aside because of this unique gender orientation? Most likely.

Did the dad come very close to the daughter because he sensed she needed the nurturing from him that he felt may help her adjust to being lesbian but just didn’t understand what it was all about? Was the mom conflicted with her daughter because she truly couldn’t relate to her daughter’s perspective on life and relationships? I’m sure this was likely the case.

And, is it possible that a dad or mom’s history with same gender relationships created conflicts when they saw a budding gay son, or lesbian daughter. Well, it just may be so.

If I think I have learned anything about all of this, it is that we just don’t have all of the answers. Truly, we don’t know how the mysteries of our development and it’s application to our lives. Some answers come over time, but there are so many other questions that remain.

A New Framework of Life

As I look back on my own life, I can see how my dad tried desperately to relate to me. I have always been unique. I’ve been highly emotionally wired and deeply sensitive to those around me. I am sure my dad shook his head many times trying to figure out how to relate to me. I’ve also always been a very verbal person and process my life on my sleeve. My dad on the other hand, has always been more of a quiet person.

I remember when I was about 10, my parents had just divorced and my dad came to our house around Christmas time. He brought me a car model that he wanted to help me put together. It was a 1/8 scale Jaguar XKE! It was huge! We spent many hours working on it together. My dad knew I didn’t like the normal things like sports, hunting and fishing. He could see I always liked cars. He had struck the right match and we connected. But I am sure that wasn’t the end of my dad’s questions about my life or struggles to understand me.

Honestly, I have always been gay. My homosexuality isn’t anyone else’s fault. It is just the way I am. Now that I have accepted that, the child development material takes on a dramatically different perspective.

I can look at my dad differently. Instead of saying his emotional distance created my gender struggles, I can say it shows me how tough it must have been on him to have a gay son that was so different than any other male relationships he had experienced. My dad’s world was a life with lots of other men at the Post Office. When I entered his world, a unique person challenged him deeply in ways he just couldn’t relate to.

1000’s Mislead

I have attended over 35 Love Won Out conferences all of the country. These are one day events that were produced by Focus on the Family. They were typically attended by anywhere from 500 to 1000 people, mainly comprised of parents. They hosted teachings by psychologists who believed in developmental theories so child development came along with the package. Men and women shared their stories of disconnection with parents in several of the workshops as examples of these theories. Tears of sadness, grief, and an ability to relate flowed from many of those in attendance.

As I stood at my booth, the parents would flood out of the auditorium heading straight towards us with red eyes and Kleenex in their hands. They were full of questions and I handed out hundreds of copies of material that they could take with them that would resonate with what they had just heard.

I don’t think I have ever seen such a large gathering of grieving parents in my life. It was as though they had all lost their children to death and gathered for a common memorial service!

During those years I attended as an exhibitor, thought I could comfort them by helping them to figure out why their kids were gay. I thought, erroneously, that somehow with my great knowledge of child development, I could help them figure it out.

Instead, what was needed was to help them accept their children as they are and to not feel as though they could fix anything, and to realize that they really couldn’t. I have found that at the point where parents accept their children as being gay is really where the authentic relationship begins! The parents find real adult connections that they had longed for, and the children finally feel the love from their parents that they hadn’t perceived was there. This is a win, win situation for all concerned.

Thousands of pamphlets went forth, hundreds of parents left knowing they weren’t alone, but in the end, nothing got fixed. The grief didn’t go away, but may have even gained more power.

God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept…….. A Pathway to Peace

In the end, years later now, when I have been able to connect with some of these parents, they have said, “Oh, I have come to accept my son, my daughter the way they are. We don’t always agree, but we have a better relationship then we ever have. I realized I couldn’t fix them. I stopped handing them books, digging for details, and scraping the scabs of our relationship wounds and we’ve finally found peace. We are all actually much happier and have gone on with life in a better way now.”

What is the way of Jesus?

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 1 Cor. 5:18-21

To read other parts of the “I Acknowledge” Series – Click here

 

January 12th, 2012

I Acknowledge! – Part Two

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This is the second part in a series I am writing to acknowledge mistakes I have made through the ministry of Love In Action, Exodus International, and the Ex-gay movement and the harm and discouragement that resulted.

I Acknowledge

Through the ministry of Love In Action I worked to develop an addiction, twelve step approach with the mindset that we were helping men and women to “recover” from homosexuality. With an addiction model we began to teach that homosexuality, same sex attractions, and behaviors, were addictions. I taught that homosexual attractions were a result of unhealthy and unresolved feelings from childhood wounds. Subsequently I believed that if healing could occur for those wounds, it would take the power out of the homosexual compulsions and allow someone to live free from homosexuality.

We wrongly applied therapeutic tools and structures that were designed to help people who were faced with chemical dependencies and sexual addiction and were never designed for use with homosexuality.

I have learned how an “addiction” model makes the assumption that people who are gay need recovery. This mindset can produce confusion, shame, guilt, and can perpetuate the faulty message that gay people  are damaged goods and deceived. I am now aware of how this conflicts with what God is trying to say to his children about who they are in Him, loved and adored as His children.

I acknowledge that this program model was woefully misguided. This model paid little attention to what a person was truly experiencing. We as the staff held to a “we know better” reaction to their lives. I also acknowledge there was harm done and pain inflicted due to using the wrong model and wrong tools. We often had closed ears to hear the hearts of those we said we “loved.”

How Did This Come About?

In 1995 Love In Action began a new season of ministry after moving to Memphis. In the previous years we had been focused on a relational approach with Christian teaching and community based ministry model. The ministry was more of a “discipleship” program with some special teaching about the origins of homosexuality and Christian principles to learn to live obediently in Christ. As the director I was constantly evaluating the outcome of our effort. I honestly could see that there was great room for improvement since the evidence was stacked against us that not many had experienced real change from a homosexual orientation. I believe the men and women who came to us often received encouragement and in some cases changes lives and improved relationships. However we didn’t evaluate what we were doing as it related to harm done.

When we began to settle into Memphis we were introduced to another ministry that was deemed “the cream of the crop” in treatment for adolescents with chemical dependencies. Their track record was noted as one of the most successful in the country. We were invited to sit in on their ministry groups and staff meetings. So for many weeks and months, out staff rotated in and out of their groups and believed what we were seeing was solid and provided changes. But as I look back, honestly, I saw a legalistic approach and disrespectful communication from the staff to the clients.

It was very uncomfortable at times to hear the exchanges but actually most of our staff were swept into the “successful reputation”  and didn’t really look at the harm being done in many cases. As I looked at the lack of success we had experienced previous to our move, I hoped to find something that might work better. They seemed so confident in their work and were very well supported.

Also around this time, Exodus ministries had begun to discuss the importance of becoming more main stream within the professional counseling realm. The ministry with the addiction model utilized trained, licensed counselors so it seemed to be just the ticket to help us move forward. I believed they would certainly know better than we did how to do this!

I was taught about dual relationships within the counseling field being harmful for recovery and counselor / client relationships. So it seemed we had been doing it all wrong and would never be recognized as a professional organization in counseling networks. Our staff and counselors had previously been very relationally connected to our clients. Within a few months I made a knee jerk decision to change virtually everything we had in place. The counseling director was shocked at our previous practices that were open, honest, and more relational. She made it very clear we were unethical and needed to change what we were doing. I was motivated by what we had been told was harmful to our clients and felt compelled to do whatever it took to do it “right.”

The Beginning of A New Model – Surely it will be better.

We decided to implement the model, the tools, the ethics and practices we learned through our time with the other program. It appeared that most of our staff was on board with what we had seen and so we worked hard to change it all around. I thought we were now coming into a whole new level of accomplishment and that we would see much better outcomes and changes in our client’s lives. I also thought we had entered into “adulthood” in ministry.

The program became more rigid, less relational and far more clinical. Just as we had hoped, it seemed we were gaining more credibility within the Christian world. We used terms they understood that were common in recovery worlds, such as “therapy”, “client” and “counseling practices.”  This is where we began searching incoming clients for what we called “False Images.” These were otherwise known as “contra ban” but we found other terms that seemed to fit what we were doing. We had professional counselors as guides and teachers. Our staff worked on finishing degree programs in counseling and therapy. We had a seasoned and licensed therapeutic counselor as our “clinical director” so it all felt so legitimate and healthy. It all seemed so positive to us.

Little did I know we were using the wrong methods, wrong tools, and we had the wrong heart as we related to those in the gay community. We were arrogant, thinking we knew best how to “treat” those who came to us for understanding and hope. We felt proud that amongst Exodus International circles we had the better approach.

We had our critics as well. Many outsiders, especially family members, really disagreed with our approach. Those who were “less knowledgeable than we were” had the sensitivity that we were crushing those that came to us with rules and stringent expectations. But, we did all we could to explain the value of our program and structures. We were so confident that I think we dominated over them with our words and strength. So, many were silenced just to go along with the program because they wanted so badly for their loved ones to change, to get fixed.

A we researched other addiction programs around the country it appeared we were as good as they were. We had many of the same structures, we now had licensed counselors on staff.  We didn’t charge nearly as much as they did!  Our $6000 price for three months of “residential treatment” was certainly a bargain compared to other programs that were charging $20,000! So we had no problem encouraging our program and receiving the fees along with it.

All of this was based on the foundation of homosexuality being an addiction and that some of our clients were truly presenting addictive behavior. For those who weren’t, we tried to get them to see their value in being part of the accountability needed to keep the structures in place for the “real” addicts.

Affirmation of our Approach

People in the Christian community spoke highly of our approach because we seemed so confident we knew all the answers to relieving the burden of homosexuality from their churches, families, and in their own lives. After all, we were Exodus’ oldest and most established ministry!

Through this experience I began a teaching that homosexuality was a facade, an ambiguous cover up for internal issues that remained unresolved. I wrote a lengthy teaching series entitled “The Homosexual Myth.” It was based on the idea that there was no such thing as a “homosexual person” rather only actions and behaviors. I taught that each man and women was created as heterosexual but during some time in their lives they began to experience same sex attractions. All of these teachings completely minimized the reality of life experience as a gay person. It placed a grid over the life of a man or woman that completely ignored the unique experiences that most gay people have lived.

I set off a firestorm within the gay community against me, against us. They felt invalidated, unheard, and minimized. I felt arrogant about having found the truth about homosexuality. I remember many talks amongst our staff where we arrogantly believed we had the cutting edge on these issues. Well, they were invalidated, unheard, and minimized!

Again, many Christians spoke of how they understood our perspective and how much clarity it gave them to better understand their homosexual loved ones lives. We tied all of this in to another teaching on Child Development. We held heavily to a developmental origin of homosexuality and spoke often that we didn’t ascribe to a “born homosexual” theory. Of course we also gave room for the lack of scientific evidence to the contrary. The “Child Development” teachings caused a lot of confusion, guilt, unanswered questions and at times created an environment for upsetting families due to searching for the problems that caused the homosexual condition in the first place.

Evaluation and the Truth

It wasn’t until I left Love In Action that I began to evaluate this perspective. I began an effort to reconnect with former Love In Action clients and really tried to open my ears to hear their real feelings. I tried hard to understand their pain, confusion, and overall disappointment in the outcome of their program experiences.

As I listened, I often heard they felt invalidated. One man that I met with looked me right in the face, and with passions said, “John, I am NOT and addict!!!” He followed up with explaining he was never sexually active and how confused he had been in the program since we spoke so often about addiction. It just didn’t apply to his life at all. But we held to the theories that even his attractions fit our addiction model, which of course didn’t resonate with his kind and sensitive heart.

Other folks I talked with spoke of how hard it was to connect with God on an intimate level when there was so much emphasis on how “their hearts were deceitful and wicked.” We referred to that Old Testament passage in relationship to our human experience. They said it was so hard to trust themselves, their own life experience, feelings and other factors when we taught they were always going to be deceived, and wicked.

There were some who thrived in the addiction model because they were clearly struggling with addictive behaviors. These folks found deep levels of freedom from the compulsions they suffered. Of course, because it was a helpful model to deal with addiction! But the problem was confusing the issues. Were they dealing with addiction, or homosexuality as the presenting issue?  When they were combined, then they saw their humanity as the problem and since their homosexual desires didn’t change, then it became a serious spiritual problem in relating to God.

Many others referred to the coldness of the environment at Love In Action. Of course, again, this was after we implemented the addiction model, because there was a time when Love In Action was a loving, connected, relational community. During those years prior to 1995 there were far less complaints on the program and less wounding.

I Felt Convicted

As I write through these realities I feel disappointed in myself. I feel convicted of my wrong ideas and their application that were so wounding for many men and women that in my heart I truly wanted to help. I feel embarrassed to admit the depth of my own deception!

An Inevitable Trap

For most of my life I have heard “gay men are such sensitive people.” Many have known people within the gay community that are caring, loving, and relationship wired. The significance of these truths plays out in why an addiction model is so wounding and harmful.

Often addiction models coincide with traditional “intervention” models. This is a strong confrontation of the presenting problem, and drawing strong boundaries that threaten separation and a loss of connection.When people have personalities that are socially, and relationally wired, traditional “intervention” models can be deeply wounding. The fears of rejection and separation are extremely painful for many, if not most gay people when they experience threats from people that they will no longer be with them if they “continue in their behavior.” The approach based on a threat almost always causes an emotional “shut down” and prevents a working atmosphere and hopes are lost all around.

When presenting someone who is gay with an intervention model it says, “you had better change your homosexuality or else you will lose me.” Oh, my, this is an impossible trap!  This will never be accomplished, therefore, the relationship with people whom they love the most will be forever lost because they know that they will not likely ever see a change in their homosexuality.

I Believe

And, of course, I know retract my theories that there is “no such thing as a homosexual person.” I now believe in intrinsic homosexuality that many people experience that is virtually unchangeable with the exception of a miracle.

This is only the second in this series and I am beginning to feel overwhelmed myself. Take some time to think through this and allow yourself to ponder the goodness of God in a very faulty world.  I must do that myself as I evaluate all of these challenging things that I have been responsible for.

To read other parts of the “I Acknowledge” Series – Click here

 

January 4th, 2012

I Acknowledge! – Part One

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In March of 2010 I compiled and published a public apology in response to some soul searching I had been going through. I have since done a more in depth evaluation of things that I feel regretful about concerning my 23 years as a leader within the “ex-gay” movement.

I have decided to attempt to put into words a more detailed communication of those things that are most significant for me to acknowledge. I have been wrong and have made mistakes that I feel I must take responsibility for. It is my goal to write out a separate document for each item that will explain my heart, and personal evaluation on these things.

I Acknowledge

Through my overt and covert alignment with the presumed message of change through the “ex-gay” movement, I want to acknowledge that I have communicated through teaching, private conversation and public venues that someone who is gay is less than someone created in God’s image. I acknowledge that I was a covert messenger of the false hope for a change in sexual orientation from gay to straight. I perpetuated a message that gave the perception that if someone tried hard enough they would experience a new heterosexual desire that would replace their same sex desires.

Please allow me to explain further why I have come to this conclusion.

If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we’ve never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God. 1 john 1:8-10 (The Message)

The Foundation of the Ex-gay Movement

I want to set the stage in a way that I think will frame this for you. I believe the ex-gay movement began as a connecting point for individuals who desired to reach people within the gay community with the love of Christ. Fairly quickly, individuals within the founding members began to hope that God had the desire, and the power to “deliver” them from homosexuality which for many included the hope they might be able to become straight.

As they vocalized their desires some grabbed on to this message in such a way that it became the central message of the ex-gay movement. The ex-gay movement in association with the “faith” doctrine that became prominent in the 1970’s (meaning if we claim it in Jesus Name, He will bring it to pass if we have the faith to believe it will occur) began to proclaim “change” through Jesus Christ. This concept of change also became extremely ambiguous and was defined differently by each individual but maintained a very generic statement.

Through Prayer, Faith, Obedience – Is Change is Possible?

Now for almost 40 years, men and women throughout the world have sought God for change that they hoped would include a change in orientation from homosexual to straight. They believed this could occur through faith in Jesus, prayer, counseling, changes in sexual behavior, and obedience to God.

This intimate desperation was often fueled by an inner belief that as gay men and women , they were intrinsically flawed, broken, damaged goods, and certainly less than God’s best. The desire to change came with the hope that somehow a transformation from gay to straight might allow for an upgrade on God’s list of approved people. If straight people were better, more loved and closer to God then people who are gay would do anything they could to achieve this change.

Built on a False Hope

So, ex-gay ministries began to sail on the faith filled hope of those that came to them with the desire for intrinsic changes in their sexual desires. In some ministries, unorthodox counseling and prayer practices were used to manipulate more hope for change. Most often these strange actions were quick to go away. But the faith in change from gay to straight continued. Though it was not always spoken boldly, many remained hopeful they would see it happen for themselves.

Christian communities and churches also loved the message of change for people who were gay. Certainly many of them were motivated to help their friends. But for some who didn’t really cherish the thought of embracing gay people into their church, they hoped if they could become straight it would take away the difficulty of “dealing” with homosexuality.

Families and Loved Ones

Parents became a strong thread through the ex-gay movement. Their prayers were fervent; deeply seated in pain, confusion and for many, embarrassment. There were even some parents who believed as long as their children were gay, they could never make it into God’s eternal resting place. I heard a mom tell me in a group meeting, “You mean I can pray for my son’s salvation? I thought all gays were an abomination and had no hope for eternal life with Jesus.”

Based on love from Christian parents and their heartfelt desire to see their gay loved ones relieved of the burden of homosexuality, they became a backbone of many ministries around the country. Parents became invested in the message of change through God’s amazing power to do anything if they prayed and believed. They hoped that God would change their loved ones homosexual orientation.

With All of My Heart, I Wanted It!

When I was a new Christian a friend of mine invited me to an event where the minister promised deliverance to those involved in homosexuality. I girded up my heart and attended the event, but I didn’t get my miracle. I saw no change in my sexual desires and my hope quickly turned to disappointment and depression.

A year or so later, I discovered ex-gay ministries. I got the opportunity to become a staff member for a nationally known ministry, Love In Action. Upon my arrival, I found leaders, churches, and individuals who held tightly to the message of change. The leader, Frank Worthen, was in fact himself married to a woman. That was certainly appeared to be a model of change to strive for.

We spoke of change often. We prayed for deliverance, and worked through teaching material that was described as “Steps Out Of Homosexuality.” All of the terminology, the structures, and the conversations centered around the hope that at some point, somehow, God would set us free from  what was described as the “bondage of homosexuality.”

I became deeply invested in the hope that God would set people free and began to answer phone calls, counsel men and women, and later became the director for the ministry that proclaimed freedom for the homosexual. I did find freedom from unhealthy relationships and patterns of manipulation and sexual promiscuity. I praise God for what He has done, but I found no change in orientation.

Along the way, I attended conferences, went through some of my own private counseling, prayed, studied and read books that all promised that I would eventually find the freedom I was looking for. In faith, I believed it would come true and therefore offered others the same message for their own lives.

We stood together as “brothers” along the road. We believed it was absolutely necessary to have a good support team who agreed with us, and walked the path alongside us. It was clear that we could not allow any messages from the outside to infiltrate our minds so as to thwart our hope for what we believed God was going to do. I clung to the belief and hope that over time, I would eventually see more internal changes.

The Life of Denial Began

Along the way I struggled with my own internal thoughts, attractions and desires. I believed it would be wrong to talk about them and fearful that if I did, I would somehow ruin the testimony that God was creating within me. I didn’t hear of anyone else that was talking about their own remaining attractions. Well, at least not amongst the leadership. I thought surely they had found what I was hoping for so it was important to continue pressing on.

There were group members and people who would call us that talked about their attractions, but our job was to build up their faith that God could, and would change all of that if they believed He could, and would. It was important that they also did the right things to obey God along the way.

The Cathartic Dream

One night I dreamed that I was in a large Gothic cathedral. A very strange female preacher was pointing her finger at the congregation saying loudly, “You’re Gay! Admit it, Your’re Gay!” I was sitting with some friends and immediately I stood in defiance and said, “I will not sit here and listen to this.” My friends said, “John, sit down, you need to hear everything she is saying.”

When I awoke the next morning, life was different. I seemed to gain the conviction through this dream that I had to be honest about what I was feeling inside regardless of what others would say about my honesty. The preacher was right, I remained attracted to men as I always had been. Prior to that dream, I was adamant not to be honest. From that time forward I continued to talk freely and honestly about what change was for me, and what it wasn’t. But the overarching message of the ministry and ex-gay movement continued to covertly say, “you can change.” In my mind I was no longer dishonest but didn’t realized the many ways I was still a representative of a faulty message that was giving a false hope for a change in sexual orientation.

That year, 1995, I gave a plenary session talk at the national Exodus conference titled “Honesty, is it the best policy?”  It was in this talk that I revealed to the entire audience that I was still experiencing homosexual attractions and challenged the listeners to a deeper level of honesty.  My talk angered some but thankfully, it gave hope to many others.  One young lady from Australia stepped up to me afterwards. She said, “John, thank you so much for your authenticity.  Last night I had almost given up hope on God and myself. But today, I have a renewed belief that God loves me and I can continue.” Well, I guess being honest was a good thing!  I was also motivated to continue to be honest.

Regrets Begin

As I look back over all of those years, I regret the years of my own dishonesty. I acknowledge that through my own weakness I was fearful of stepping out and becoming more honest that change of sexual orientation, barring a miracle of God, was not a reality for most people. I failed to recognize the duplicitous message within our communication. “You can change, but I haven’t” was something, I am sorry, but I didn’t see coming out of our ministry.

At Love In Action, we leased a billboard  with a giant picture of me on it. We had it for one year in central Memphis near the gay community. With great pride I had my picture on top of a huge building with the words which read:

“I Used To Be A Homosexual” (1 Cor. 6:9-11)

There was literally no response from the display. No one came to our ministry running to find freedom because they saw my giant picture and those verses referenced.  I’ve thought about that many times since and realized it was deceptive!  I didn’t used to be a homosexual.  I was still homosexual and to proclaim something that was untrue was something that I don’t believe God could bless. It was dishonest! If you’d like to read my understanding of those verses, (click here) for the article.

I also must be clear that sexual desires fall on a continuum. For some who experience same gender attractions, they may also experience satisfying sexual attractions to those of the opposite sex. I do not consider this “change.” Rather it is a result of the uniqueness in human sexuality. It is commonly called “bi-sexuality.” It is very hard to place people into a box of one versus another.

The teachings, and the message of the ex-gay movement often opened the door for some to believe that someone who is gay is less valuable to God and less loved by Him as they are, therefore change was seen as desirable, and for some, necessary. It is easy to understand that if there is so much emphasis on change, then it is easy for someone to believe that God would be happier with them if they were straight.

If you are gay, you are loved by God as you are. The homosexual orientation is no one’s choice and it does not in any way take away from God’s desire to know you, love you and save you from an eternity without Him. Everyone is born intrinsically flawed and in need of God’s redemption through Christ, No one is any further away from God than another and all are equally able to seek Jesus for the salvation of their lives.

So don’t sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!

Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. Hebrews 12:12-15 ( The Message)

 

December 29th, 2011

2012!

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2012 Is Upon Us!

The end of a year! My mind is racing with how to end this year, begin the new one and somehow figure out what is really going on in my mind right now!

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matt. 6:34 (Message)

As I am sitting in my office listening to quiet instrumental music at 5:30 this morning I find my mind seems to be blank. But honestly, I don’t think the mind of John Smid is really ever blank. I am seeking, asking, searching for answers to lifelong questions. Whenever it seems my mind is empty, that’s a default for me.

It is two days before New Year’s Eve. It is a time where we are supposed to reflect, hope, dream, and certainly be with special people to “ring in the new year!” Some would say it is also a time to evaluate where we’ve been and if we had accomplished the goals that we set last year at this time.

As good business people, ministry leaders, and mature adults, we are led to believe we must set new goals. We are told that making priorities as we look at the year coming is vital to passing through this tunnel of the change of the calendar. Oh, yes! 2012 is upon us in only hours! What are my goals and priorities?

When I was the director for Love In Action people all around me would often ask, “John, what are the five year goals for Love In Action? What are you expecting to happen in the next ten years?” It seemed that setting long term goals was the responsible thing to do and certainly with fund raising in mind, it seemed significant to the non-profit world. Financial projections, project budgets, and fund raising goals were paramount and yet, always caused me unending frustration in my attempts to put my heart’s desires onto paper and into spread sheets for others to understand.

As I go through what appears right now to be a challenging time in my life personally, goals and financial projections just don’t seem to resonate with me this year. I am having a hard enough time figuring out today, much less next year, or five years from now.

I am in the midst of life questions and wondering what the real answers are to them. Where does truth lie? What is God’s truth in relationship to human frailty? Where will I be in one year? Five years? Honestly, I have no earthly idea. When I attempted to put my life into goals all through the years, it seemed that my goals never seemed to really play out because of the nature of human life. Set the goal, walk through the year, and find in the end it turned out dramatically different than you would have ever thought. I remember setting wonderful goals and putting my desires out for the world to see to find out in the end, God had something different in mind.

So, right now, sitting in my office at 5:30 in the morning, I am taking this life one day at a time. Today I have a Skype phone call with a close friend at 8:00. My wife and I are cleaning a house at 10:00. I have lunch with a long time special friend whom I haven’t seen in a year. This afternoon, another catch up phone call with a new friend in Pennsylvania. Then over dinner I will meet with several other men to share life, and try to care for each other. When evening comes and I will close out the day with my wife, play with the dogs, and get ready to go to bed. Yes, another day will have passed. What’s on for tomorrow? Well, I’m not on that page of my calendar yet.

It is now 7:30 and I have put two more things on Craigslist for sale. I have thrown out a whole wastebasket of unwanted paperwork and some junk from the top of my desk. And, I am looking for other stuff that needs to go OUT of my life! Time to clean out the year. I’ve collected far too much stuff and it is cluttering up my life. I have a yearning to lighten the load so I am closing my eyes and tossing it!

There, that is my New Years preparation. Take it one day at a time, tomorrow has enough cares of its own. Maintain good relationships with family, nurture friendships and spend time where it is eternally significant. And, lighten the load. Throw it out if you don’t need it any longer.

Well, my mind isn’t empty after all. Actually I think I just cleared away some junk there too!

May you have a wonderful, curious, energizing, challenging, and life changing New Year!

And while you are heading to the weekend celebrations, think about your family and friends and lighten the load.

 

December 22nd, 2011

Happy Holidays?

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Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas? You decide.

Jesus came to our world!

Christians are celebrating that Jesus became one of us, a human walking this earth. He wanted to join our world for a season because He wanted to be able to say, “I understand.” Others may be celebrating a fun family holiday, or Santa Clause, or maybe Kwanza or Hanukkah. But clearly, in our diverse world, not everyone is celebrating the birth of Jesus.

I am mindful this time of year that Jesus’ birth changed my life and changed everything about the way I think and live.  I am comforted that God made a plan that would include me in a very intimate way.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Heb.” 4:15-16

What does this say to me about how I should relate to others?

Recently I was asked to share a blessing before a volunteer holiday meal at the local theater I work with. I thought about who these folks are. There is a lady who is Jewish, a man who is an atheist, someone who is from India and is Buddhist. There are others who are Christians. How would I give a meal blessing that would in fact be a blessing for them all?

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Matthew 5:9

I thought it was interesting that when the host asked me to stand and give the blessing, many of them bowed their heads even though I didn’t say “let us bow our heads.” I didn’t bow my head and rather, I just began to talk. Very quickly I saw that others looked up and I saw their eyes. I’m sure they were curious as to what I was actually going to do.

“Today, I realize that sharing a meal together is an awesome opportunity to be thankful. I am thankful for our “Community Theater” because of the word “community.”

I appreciate the awesome relationships we have here. I am thankful for the things I have learned through you all, through the year I’ve been here. I am thankful for the management and the donors who all make this possible. I realize that we build and present plays here, but I think the real benefit of this opportunity is all about the relationships. I am thankful for the meal that we have all brought together to share with each other. Amen.”

As I led us through this thankful process, I saw heads bobbing in agreement. The theater director nodded easily when I spoke of the real intent of the theater being to build relationships. I could see that they were all with me in heart as I was speaking, I also realized that I was basically quoting Scripture.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.” 1 Cor. 10:31-33

For the good of everyone I decided that it would be arrogant and presumptuous to bring a Christian prayer, “In Jesus name,” to a group that is not a Christian ministry, and is not comprised of all Christians! I see what Jesus did in leaving His heavenly realm, He came to earth, deferred to human form and experience so that He could build an intimate relationship with us. So, I decided that it would emulate Jesus’ heart to include everyone in my thoughts, and my prayer.

“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others.” Matthew 6:5

Within minutes, the fruit of my decision bore out. Betty, the little Jewish lady came up to me and said, “John, thank you so much for your wonderful prayer. (note, I didn’t do it in prayer form, I didn’t ask everyone to bow their heads, and I didn’t say in Jesus name). I said it wasn’t really a prayer. She continued to comment, “Oh, but it was and John, you included us all. Thank you so much.”

What was the outcome of my sensitivity to those there? First of all, everyone there knows me well enough to know I am a Christian. So, It created an avenue to continue building a relationship with Betty and others. Just like Jesus being sensitive to us, it opened more doors to building an authentic relationship which often includes talking about my own faith.

God could have decided to descend to earth in His Godly form, scaring the begeebies out of us while He threw his heavenly robes around, or whatever God looks like in His God form. But, He didn’t do that. I could have prayed a Christian prayer, and loudly proclaimed, “In Jesus Name.” But I didn’t.

The next day, we were all together again for a project and afterwards shared some Pizza and drinks. The whole discussion surrounded our faith, we talked about the differences, we discussed the Bible, we asked each other about what we do to celebrate this time of the year. I asked Betty about Hanukkah and how she has celebrated that in her life.

Betty once again said, “I want to thank you again for being sensitive. I’ve been really hurt when Christians push their religion on groups through the assumption that we all see Jesus like they do.” Again, my decision to include others into my life proved to increase vulnerability, discussion, and further dialogue about our faith, and God!

At this time of the year there is a lot of discussion amongst Christians about how to greet others. Many are really pushing the “Merry Christmas” message in public venues. Personally, this is fine amongst those who believe as I do. But with those I don’t know, I would rather be a blessing by being more inclusive?

Last year I reunited with my cousin after many, many years. In speaking with her she said she doesn’t celebrate Christmas. She talked about her interest in the “Winter Solstice”. I wanted to send her our annual Christmas letter about our life during the year. I thought about how delicate it was that we had reconnected and really didn’t know each others lives very well. When I was getting the mailing ready I found a stamp that was a “Winter Solstice” stamp. How perfect! This would allow me let her know that I listened in our conversation and didn’t want to push the Christmas issue with her. I wanted to value her, the person and was really glad to have found that stamp. Her response to our reunion was, “John, I’ve never known a Christian like you.”

“Happy Holidays, Have a Wonderful Holiday Season!”

These more inclusive greetings may draw some people closer to you! It is through us that they may see Jesus emulated . I don’t think He would push an agenda of offense, rather He did everything He could to draw people closer to Him. However, He did have a lot to say about those who are religiously pushy. While He challenged the Pharisees with great passion  I think He  may have gone into the sinners homes to wish them “Happy Holidays!”

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.” Matthew 6:1

So, you decide how you will greet people this year but before you do, consider who they are first and meet them where they are just like Jesus did. And If you don’t know them, bless them with a “Happy Holidays.”

 

December 16th, 2011

A Shocking Picture

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“Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?” ( 2 Chronicles 1:10)

“Between The Purpose That Once Was–And The Unknown” (Kevyn Bashore)

Cameron Street, Steelton, PA

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

iPhone 4 Camera, Hipstamatic

The ominous and decaying building behind this fire hydrant is crumbling under it’s own weight. But there’s a beauty in its design and structure that can still be viewed by passersby. One can only imagine that the fire hydrant that once stood as a miniature guardian to protect this once thriving building from fire is now protecting something that the owners would probably celebrate if it burned down. The purpose of this hydrant has disintegrated amidst the peeling paint and wood.

What do we do when our purpose, the thing we’ve lived our life for, the thing we’ve passionately pursued, the thing we’ve lived and breathed for years, maybe decades, is removed or taken from our grasp? Many respond with anger, fear, grief. Some grow lethargic. Others hopeless. And some choose to end their lives over a loss of direction and purpose.

I wonder if anyone is protected from experiencing such loss at least once in their life? Some people appear impervious to such hardships. Others seem to be caught in a never-ending cycle of loss and despair. But to survive such disorientation and pain, one must experience renewal, sometimes in body, soul, and spirit, before catching a glimpse of a new vision and purpose to pursue in life.

Here’s to all those who feel like the fire hydrant in today’s photo. May you be renewed and grasp a passionate hope that will propel you into your destiny. (As written by Kevyn Bashore about his piece of art.)

Wow, What a Shocking Picture!

Well, not for many. It is actually a beautiful capture of life. I have developed a great appreciation for photographic artists. I have often affirmed their artistic gift to us this way.

Photographic artists put a frame around everyday life so that I can enjoy the intimate beauty that I would have otherwise missed.

Kevyn Bashore has been working on a “365 – day” i-phone photo project. After coming across his project through FaceBook, I began looking over some of his pictures, this one struck me deeply. Then I read what he had written about his creation.

As I Looked at the Picture I was mindful of how many years I was invested in “ex-gay” ministry. I lived and breathed its life, message, story, and purpose. In many ways, I was the “fire hydrant” protector of its image, reputation, and mission. I stood in the gap many times when it appeared to be threatened. There were those times when I felt my purpose was to take care of any flames that might roar.

Many of you have been following my story, my writing, and have been hearing some very deep things from my heart. Thank you for listening.

God said to Solomon, “Since this is your heart’s desire and you have not asked for wealth, possessions or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, possessions and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have.” (2 Chronicles 1:11-12)

I vocally, and personally held invisible swords against the enemies of Love in Action, Exodus, and the foundation for their life. I remember meetings where I spoke strongly about the history, the nostalgia and many of the artifacts that represented them.

When I was leaving my post at Love In Action three years ago, I strenuously created a list of all the things that were significant to the heritage. Things that rested on the walls, the floors, and the storage rooms of the ministry had often been something I felt a need to protect. I felt such a strong stewardship for these things that I feared if I didn’t create a document with information of the origins and significance that it would all be lost and no one would remember like I did. I gave that document to numerous people  that seemed to be left in charge with the hope that someone would take it seriously and take over my burden.

I feverishly scanned teaching material, informational books, literature and any other documents that might come to be needed in the event that they would be taken by fire, or even more fearful, destroyed by someone who didn’t care about them anymore. I was a self made guardian for the artifacts from the heritage of Love In Action.

Today, I am not so sure I feel the same sense of stewardship for those things. The real issue at hand for me personally isn’t so much about the things mentioned. But due to many changes in my perspective, I am digging even more deeply into my heart. Questions loom like: What is my heart’s desire? What am I passionate about? Or even a question that feels threatening, “Do I have a purpose today?”

As I looked at the fire hydrant picture, I saw myself as a strong, mighty, landmark of purpose. Yes, with my hands tightly clenched, ready to aim toward the enemy. I was needed, I had a purpose. I was the mighty hero for many people who wanted me to be the strong stable one who would never stop or move away. I pictured myself still sitting in my position as an old man. Funny thing, before I chose to resign, some of my friends were casting lots to see if John Smid would ever leave Love In Action!

As I looked at the house in the picture, I realized that I don’t have a passion to protect it any longer. Like the house, my role with this former ministry has lagged  in my heart. My purposes of old have gone away. There isn’t anything to protect any longer and then the question is, “What am I to do now?” or even more challenging, “Who am I now?” Or, “What do I want to be now?“

When I became a Christian

All those 30 years ago,  something dramatic occurred within my life. Prior to becoming a Christian I had no purpose, seemingly no skills, no real gift to mankind. I felt invisible, and unnecessary. But when Christ came into my life, it seemed in everything I put my hand to, along came a significant role for me to play within it’s structure or program.

First I was the founder and director for “Clowns Created by Christ” a pantomime Clown ministry. It grew, people became involved and passionate with me in that ministry. Then soon I became a “front end guy” for F.O.C.A.S, our Christian Singles ministry. Then I was invited to become part of the Executive Committee for that same ministry. I attended singles ministry leadership conferences and saw the potential of involvement there.

My direction changed when I went on staff with Love In Action as a House Leader for the residential community. I quickly became the Office Manager managing all of the office functions. Then within four years I was asked to become the Director for the entire ministry. At that same time I was elected to the Board of Directors for Exodus International.

In many of the churches I have been involved with I have been considered one of the honorary staff members being invited to staff meetings and planning events. No matter what I did, it seemed I found purpose, calling, and fulfillment in leadership roles. It seemed I now had a place in life that was validated and it appeared others bore witness to the important work I was doing. It all seemed so right, fulfilling, and certainly I gained accolades for how well I was doing. I had fought the odds of the homosexual plight. I looked as though I had fought the battle and won.

My role as the “Fire Hydrant” in life was solidly in place and it seemed nothing could move it, nor did anyone want it moved. Oh, to remove something as profoundly protective as the fire hydrant is a very threatening thing to consider. What if……. then what?

More Thoughts on The Picture!

As I pondered the picture of the Fire Hydrant and the words of my friend, I went where my mind and heart would never want to go before. I began to wonder “What would happen if John Smid simplified his current life, found a cozy place by a stream with a wonderfully comfortable chair, and just rested?” “Would the earth rock off of its axis?” “Would someone’s life end?” “Would my life end?”

A couple of years ago an acquaintance posed a question for me to consider. “John, what is your heart’s desire?”

Actually, I had no answer for him and as I read the question in his email, I actually found my mind going into a frizzle! I didn’t want to think about that question at all! So, I put it on the back burner, but never out of my mind.

I always found a way to forge forward into whatever purpose or plan seemed to be in front of me. I would find a  a calling, a significance and affirmation somewhere. I would be ok without answering the question, because isn’t my heart’s desire ministry, prophetic ministry? Haven’t I always wanted that? Isn’t that what God created me for? After my first breath as a baby Christian seemingly that is where I’ve been! Yes, prophetic ministry where I proclaimed hope for those burdened in their lives. I was a public spokesperson to stand for whatever I felt strongly laid on my heart. It was well known that John Smid would have something to say, an agenda to challenge or at least a proclamation of right and wrong!

So, the plaque is falling from my heart little more this week. For the first time in a very long time, I am pondering the question. What is my heart’s desire?

“The king rejoices in your strength, LORD. How great is his joy in the victories you give! You have granted him his heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of his lips. You came to greet him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.” Psalm 21:1-3

Oh, man, where will this lead me? Am I willing to let it all go and just move towards my heart’s desire – whatever that may be? I was talking with a good friend this week and began to look around the world I have created for myself. I live in a wonderful large home, having a nice place to entertain. I have a closet full of clothes, many of which I don’t even wear. I love my garden. I have a home office that many would drool  over, full of my own memorabilia and ministry “tools”. But do any of them really make me happy? Do I need them for fulfillment?

I realized I have surrounded myself with things that support my purposes. The infrastructure of pipes, valves, water sources all support the fire hydrant. They are all necessary as long as the hydrant is in place that will be used in case of emergency. But what if the house goes away and the neighborhood is no longer anything other than a pile of dirt? What then will happen to the fire hydrant? If it is removed, then what’s the purpose for the pipes and valves? They are no longer needed and therefore will rust away unless they are removed.

That is the way I began to look at the “things” that surround the life of John Smid. If I allow my heart’s desire to be revealed and it isn’t the life I now live, then what value do all of these things have? Would I need a large home? Many of the clothes in my closet could be given away and not even missed. The office full of papers, tools, supplies, could be dispersed and no one would no they were gone.

What is the support system of our life – supporting? Is it our heart’s desire, or is it just busyness personified? Have I been a master at distraction these last 30 years? Have I succeeded in developing an internal denial system with things and ministry purposes? Have I been distracting myself from my very own heart’s desire not wanting to acknowledge that it may be changing.

And where do I want to go from here? Do I want to continue to try be a “Fire Hydrant” for a cause, or a ministry? Does God need me to be his Fire Hydrant? Or do I want to find true Sabbath Rest within my Savior that isn’t at all dependent on what I do for Him, but rather who I am in Him?

For years I have taught that it God’s love would not change on wit if we sat on our duff’s for the rest of our lives here on earth. But, do I believe that for myself? What if I find a cabin in the woods, simplify my life and just rest. Will that be ok with God? Will I be ok with that? Is it ok, just to rest? Or, do I need to busy for the Kingdom to feel accepted, loved, affirmed?

Should I stop and smell the roses? Do I take time to enjoy! Should i get out of the clatter and clanging of life and see what is really in my heart? Or, is that all still too scary to even think about?

What about your life?  Do you live on a treadmill of maintenance based on a false front, or a busy hero lifestyle?  Do you want to avoid the question – “What is your heart’s desire?” Are you living in an artificial environment where your life feels like a runaway train and you can’t seem to stop it? Do you believe the wheels would fall off if you stopped? Do you continue to maintain your kingdom without seeing the purpose has really changed?

Thank you Kevyn Bashore for capturing the beauty of the Fire Hydrant. Your creative genius has deeply affected my life.

If you would like to see Kevyn’s photo project, please click here.

To see this particular entry click the link below.

http://kevynbashore.com/2011/09/21/day-221-between-the-purpose-that-once-was-and-the-unknown-kevyn-bashores-iphone-photo-of-the-day-hipstamatic/

 

December 9th, 2011

A New Observation

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I have discovered something about my life in the last year has been a new for me to experience.

Men and women have been isolated, criticized, unheard, misunderstood, rejected, avoided, chastised, preached at, judged, and often marginalized – because they are gay.

In I have known people who have been judged by “churchgoing folk” as; sinful, unchristian, damned to hell, rebellious, broken, insane, incompetent, un-human, and unimportant – just because they are gay.

On the Other Hand

For over twenty years, I was loved. I was sought out, deemed significant, godly, miraculous, unique, and certainly worthy of God’s fullest blessing because I was known for being “ex-gay”.

I was considered one of God’s finest men, and ministry leaders because I led the charge to “lead homosexuals away from God’s condemnation.”

I’ve discovered that while I was a leader in the “ex-gay” world I became a hero of sorts for the Christian community. I found myself on a treadmill of performance, receiving affirmation for the great ministry work I was involved with and the wonderful things I spoke of regarding my infamous story of “change from homosexuality”. It was as though I had brought home a wonderful trophy for the family to place on the mantle.

The Changes of Late

When I began speaking about homosexuality from a deeper place of honesty the trophy seems to have been taken off the shelf. Something happened and many of my relationships somehow changed dramatically. Some of those who used to think I was their hero began to shake their heads and delicately move away from me. Others have not been so delicate. I have had communication that has clearly been an “I’m writing you off” message without so much as a phone call, or conversation. It appeared that a judgment had been made about my character due to what I was saying about my own life and other observations in my written blogs. Many have read  between the lines, or translated my writings from what I didn’t say.

Critical comments have come across my website from Christians that have called my character, my faith, and my beliefs into question. Since I have not published comments confronting me personally because I do not believe they are an appropriate biblical way to deal with conflict, these potentially public confrontations often came without any questions for clarity or asking for further explanation. It’s funny how easy it is for us to immediately point the finger in defense without so much as a question for clarity.

From the Other Side

Critics of my past ex-gay ministry involvement deemed me a liar, a false prophet, an abuser of people and a religious bigot. At one point in my past I received literally 1000’s of emails proclaiming hatred and desiring curses upon my life including the fitting vulgar language.

Akin to cross-like finger gestures in my face, I remember feeling the condemnation coming my way from those who were virtual enemies of my soul. There were times when I actually feared that at some point I would be physically accosted because of what I had been involved in.

When Jesus was Born

When Jesus came into this world, he came as an infant, innocent, sweet, loved, and I wonder when He experienced His first attack? Jesus life was full of conflict with the world around Him. Almost everywhere He walked someone was mad at Him, confronted Him, and at the very least disagreed with His words, His approach to others, and certainly His claim to be God.

What is it like to want to be like Jesus? Well, when I look at His life here on earth, and his first disciples, I think I can relate to some extent with the impossibility of pleasing everyone. There will be enemies all around us if we are passionate about any perspective in life. I am sure Jesus and His first followers had numerous enemies from all sides.

Pharisees, sinners, Jewish folks and gentiles all found reason to disagree, argue, and wrestle with the things Jesus brought into the world over 2000 years ago. I am sure Jesus wasn’t often asked for explanations or questioned about his challenging approach to life.  When His ministry began, literally EVERYTHING was about to change. His approach to life challenged virtually every facet of the religious “status quo” of life. I am certain there were many who just judged Him to be a radical, loose, too free with the sinners, and not hard enough on them. I am also sure He was accused of being irreverent, anti-cultural, and many other shocking realities He brought to the table.

As with tree huggers, animal rights activists, social reformists, and undocumented worker advocates amongst far too many other issues, I find myself in their places often. My life has always drawn people to form conclusions about me whether it was to support me, or to hate me. I was seemingly born with a trait that continues to challenge the status quo of belief and practice.  Honestly, I don’t go searching for things to bring conflict, however it seems to loom around me often. I think outside the box and I often ask the question so important to me, “how can things be different?”

For the First Time

I guess today, I can say for the first time, I can relate in a small part to what Jesus went through but also to what many people who are gay have felt most of their lives. Since I have made a public proclamation that I am a man who is homosexual, the lines are being drawn anew. Boy it is sure miserable being in the middle of the sorting process. People are changing their opinions about John Smid. Some are moving away, others are drawing closer. Many others just stand back and wonder what’s coming next.

The gay affirming community wants me to join them in celebrating same sex relationships, the conservative evangelical Christians want me to proclaim the sinful ways of homosexuality. I have said often, that I am on a journey of discovery. The journey may or may not have an end conclusion in my world. This is as uncomfortable for me as it is for many of you who are reading this article. I like things in a nice neat little box. But interestingly, that doesn’t seem to be the Jesus way. Nothing about Jesus ministry seemed to fit into a neat little box. He most often went against the flow and caused many in His day to stand back and wonder “what’s coming next with Him?”

Mind you, most of the folks who have separated from me have not talked to me or cared to hear my heart. But interestingly, those who have listened, have said they understood most of what I have shared even though there may remain some disagreement. Thankfully, some have shown me their affirmation of friendship and gracious love and are willing to walk the journey with me.

It’s a challenging road that seems to be present before me? I certainly cannot say I like it, but at the same time, I am going to continue on the path. Actually, I don’t think I would change the last three years for anything. I believe I have discovered more of who God is, who I am. I’ve found more of His love for me and for others than ever before in my life!

Critical rejection?

Yes, people who are gay experience rejection all the time. Some who are Christians and haven’t really heard the heart of people who are gay would disagree with that statement – as I did several years ago. But today, I see it for the first time and my heart grieves with empathy for all of those whose lives are forgotten, buried, shamed away, and lost just because they are gay.

A good friend told me today that in her research, 30% of America’s seminaries completely reject any applications that answer the question “are you homosexual” with a “yes”. There is no place to discuss actions, behaviors, or relationships, just the answer “yes I am gay” will bring complete denial of the application to their schools. On one application she was coached to lie in the answer because they wanted her in their school. Her reply, “I’ve learned not to lie, so in good conscience, I cannot.” She is fighting no only being a woman in the Christian world, but she is a lesbian.  Mind you, she is not in a relationship and feels she should be celibate but that doesn’t seem to matter to many. The fact that she says she is lesbian is enough to send her packing from many Christian organizations.

Bullying?

The media has certainly brought out a number of stories recently that show us just a glimpse of how our culture responds to homosexuality, or even a hint of effeminacy in a young boy. Do young boys really end their lives due to the pain of rejection? Yes they do. Boys get accosted every day for their uniqueness in personality and life perspective if it even appears to be gay. What are we going to do about this epidemic? Can we change and begin to listen to their cries?

Church Membership?

I’ve met with numerous pastors through the years who clearly state that people who are gay cannot be members of the congregation, much less serve in their organizations.. Much like the seminaries, they could lie on their membership applications and remain silent about their orientation and be members. Some have chosen to do this just so that they won’t be alone. Is this really “what Jesus would do?”

My Lot in Life

I guess in my vocational life, I have been chosen for the battle lines of homosexuality. No matter where the lines are drawn, it seems I am on the opposing team. Offensive, or defensive, I’m not sure exactly which plan is best. It doesn’t seem Jesus was either. He was neither defensive when attacked, nor offensive in attacking. It seems He was more responsive to a person’s heart cry.

That is my heart’s desire. I want to get better in listening. I’d much rather be a responder to a person’s heart than to be a proclaimer of “right and wrong”. This has been a source of great criticism from all sides.

After Jesus knew the heart of these folks, He responded differently each time to their lives.

Samaritan Woman at the Well

“Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. John 4:21

Jesus spoke a future of Knowing Him and an eternity with Him. The woman responded by going back to her people and proclaiming the message of the Messiah!

Woman Caught in Adultery

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11

After a very significant connection with the heart of the Savior, He asked her to go and live a changed life. Was he specifically speaking of just the adultery she was involved in, or… was it a call to the gospel of the Savior in total?

Zacchaeus

When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.

All the people saw this and began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner. Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham.” “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” Luke 19:5-7,9

And Jesus response to the “Tax Collector” was to enter his home and eat with him. After this, He clearly proclaimed that this man’s house had encountered the salvation of the Lord.

In none of these cases did Jesus ever condemn a person, criticize them, or speak ill of them. He met them where they were, heard their hearts, validated them as people, and offered them Himself and began a journey of LIFE with them. he knew it would be complicated and messy!  Of all things, He knew it would not be perfect that the road would be a work in progress. He didn’t have membership requirements and for sure, His first disciples were sought out while they were in dramatic imperfection and certainly were a piece of work. He didn’t lay out a list of requirements before He bought them alongside Him. He just promised them He would be with them along the journey.

So, what have I learned?

I have learned that living a life in Christ will always bring criticism. I have learned that I can be tempted to become a hero for a group of people and that I need only be a hero to One Person, Jesus Christ! And even Jesus will not make a Trophy out of me.

I have experienced the criticism, rejection, and judgment that many gay people have. This gives me even more empathy for the cries of those within the gay community.

I am learning how I have not been very good at listening to the hearts of those around me and therefore have been tempted to judgment and criticism.

I am learning how Jesus related to those in the world around Him and I want to grow in emulating His example of acceptance and redeeming love.

I am learning more about the sanctifying journey of a life in Christ.

 

December 2nd, 2011

God’s Faith In Us

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A good friend began to share the story of his wife’s childhood. He shared that when Carrie was young she had an injury that appeared to diminish her mental capabilities. As she moved through grade school she was called a “retard” by classmates and certainly began to lose hope.

One special teacher began to notice this little girl and saw that she had potential to overcome the affects of her injuries. She began to work with Carrie individually and show that she had faith that she could improve.

By the time Carrie reached high school she had returned to normal academic abilities. Today, she has her degree in nursing and has helped numerous people in her medical profession.

So, the world called Carrie a “retard” but one person believed in her and she overcame her hopelessness.

Faith In Christ?

Christians often talk about having “Faith in Christ” and this is certainly a good thing. But what do we believe about His faith in us? Does Jesus believe in us? Is he that special one who goes against the odds and other people’s opinions or observations and  takes us beyond our own perceptions of ourselves?

As I talked with a friend, he began to ask me what my faith and  homosexuality. Before I could really answer his questions, he said, “John, aren’t homosexuals going to hell?”

Jim has lived with a homosexual struggle for most of his life, probably more than forty years. “Where did you come up with that idea?”, I quickly replied. Then my brain began to race with even more questions for him. “Jim, how in the world have you lived all of these years with that on your mind?” Jim had been involved in his church and a practicing Christian all of his life. His reply was, “John, that’s what my preacher says. He says all gays are going to hell.” I asked again, “Jim, Oh, my gosh, what do you do with that kind of thinking?” “Does this encourage you to live more invested in your relationship with God?” How could it?

He began to explain that he understood that if he could reject his homosexuality then maybe he could go to heaven. I then said, “Jim, that is a works oriented gospel, or at least a works oriented maintenance of the gospel.” He looked at me with sadness and then I said, “Jim, I think we need to talk a lot more.”

Christ’s Faith in Us?

What would happen if we began to focus on His faith in us? When I went to see “The Passion of the Christ” several years ago one scene in particular stood out to me. It was when the guards walking Jesus down the road to His crucifixion Jesus fell under the weight of the cross. Simon picked up the cross and begin to carry it. It was right at that moment when Jesus stood up and came under the cross beside him. As he did, there was an intimate eye to eye contact where Simon looked at Jesus intently. There was an exchange at that moment that spoke deeply to my heart.

The burdens in this life will never have to be carried alone, but Jesus is right there with us, helping us, never expecting us to do anything by ourselves. My friend, Jim appeared to have believed that he had to carry the burden of his homosexuality alone in a desperate attempt to somehow maintain his connection with Jesus through His own efforts. He seemed to be so hopeless with this issue.

And to add to his own burden, his preacher seemed to have the same kind of thinking, without his efforts to maintain his walk with Christ through good behavior, Jim might go to hell. I think this is the deepest message all through the New Testament in the Bible. We are no longer under that Law, but under the grace of Jesus Christ at work in us.

The example of how the teacher came underneath Carrie’s burden and continued to walk with her into her potential is for me, an incredible example of how Christ came underneath Simon, and how He desires to come underneath us no matter what our burdens may be.

Works and Self Maintenance

A theology that is rooted in a self maintenance plan for salvation is a works gospel that completely denies the real gift of God’s grace. It is not of man’s effort, lest any of us boast! It is a gift of God!

It is my belief that salvation comes into our lives through the death and resurrection of Christ. It is given when we realize that we are in need of that gift in order to have eternal life with God. We are absolutely incapable of saving ourselves through any of our own good works. And, we are absolutely incapable of living a perfect life in attempt to maintain God’s favor.

I also believe that it is the power of God, through imparting the Holy Spirit into our lives that keeps us on the path. As we continue to humbly recognize that there is nothing we can do that keeps our salvation in place. It is the faith of God in us that moves us to the goal of a perfect eternity with Him.

As the teacher grabbed Carrie and believed in her when no one else did, her potential was realized. Whereas, Jim, believes in a hopeless self works and that without it he is doomed. Well, how could he ever do enough? Will he be able to reach the perfection needed for eternity through his own self effort? Not in this lifetime. So, it is hopeless unless he comes to recognize that God has faith in him!

“You Can’t Make It!”

Instead of encouraging Jim with God’s love for him, and Christ’s faith in him, his preacher reminded him regularly of how lost he is without his own effort to somehow clean himself up. He was reminded of how hopeless it is to even ponder an eternity with Christ. His pastor was the antithesis of Carrie’s teacher.

Actually, the message that we have to maintain our salvation by our own self works produces a separation from Christ!

When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love. – Galatians 5:4-6 The Message

It is God who is to judge these things. I find that it is so common for people to judge gay people into hell! Why is that? Why is it that slanders aren’t judged into hell by Christians? Why do the greedy and selfish people of this world seem to earn grace? For some reason, grace for the homosexual is withheld.

I do not believe same sex behavior is any worse than my own divorce and remarriage, or some greedy folks sitting in the pews on Sunday morning, or the ongoing lust that is in a man’s heart most of the time, or the selfish and dishonest gain of some pastors from their preaching, or the arrogance in the judgment of many towards some gay people. But who are we when we think we know someone else’s heart? If we are judging like this, we are wrong!

Paul says:

But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God. 1 Corinthians 4:3-5 (ESV)

In this passage, Paul doesn’t even mention condemnation, he mentions commendation which means praise! What? Is he saying, in our judgment by God, He will bring praise instead of condemnation? Boy that is certainly a twist from what many of us have thought.

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Phil. 2:12-13

After the all too familiar passage that talks about working out our salvation, it clearly speaks of how God “empowers us with desire to do better” and “empowerment” to keep walking out the gift of salvation!

This doesn’t surprise me because I have always believed that even my best decisions, my best actions come from Him. I cannot boast. It is His faith in me that motivates me forward. It is the gift of God to me that encourages me to seek Him all the more.

Regardless of what we may think about someone else’s life, actions or choices, God has faith in them even when we don’t.

Try to spend time encouraging others to know that God believes in them.