I’ve been thrown from the whale – back onto the beach!
John, what do you want? You cannot have it both ways.
Jonah 1:17; 2:1-10 – But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights
From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. He said: “In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me.
I said, ‘I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.’
The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you brought my life up from the pit, O LORD my God.
“When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.
“Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD.”
And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land
I can relate to Jonah!
I have been in the belly of the whale. This week has been one of the most challenging weeks I have faced in a very long time. Monday, my first day greeting customers with the intent of selling a car, started out with pretty good energy. By Tuesday I was experiencing a change of heart. Discouragement and grief replace my energy for the job I had taken. I began to seek the Lord while I was mowing my lawn. I poured my heart out to Him but, through the week of confusion, God hammered my heart. “What do you want John?” I have also been hammering God’s heart, ” You know where my heart is at God. How much freedom do I have to pursue my heart’s desire?”
The grief I was feeling went beyond what I have felt in a long time. As my wife and I were praying this morning, I said, “I sense that I am losing everything that is important to me”. Because of the heavy schedule and overwhelming commitment of this new job I have lost significant family time. I have lost contact with relationships that have become a strong support system for me. And not insignificantly, I am losing the mission the Lord laid on my heart. It has become severely challenged due to a lack of time and focus to put into it. I have experienced a significant number of hours each day standing on the sidewalk in front of the building praying and waiting for the potential of a buying customer. I felt trapped by the expectations and the reality of this kind of job. I felt lost in a world far away from my life calling and my heart’s desire.
When I entered the job at the car dealership, I did so quickly and had clouded eyes thinking that God was calling me to this to meet our financial needs and that He might have something in this for me that is important for my walk with him and for Grace Rivers. As I faced each day I had a different conversation with the Lord and actually I found that He was speaking to me in a fatherly way that I appreciated.
I had to evaluate who I am authentically. How did God create me and what is His calling on my life. I had no question about how I would answer that. Standing in front of the sales lot was certainly not energizing or fulfilling. I questioned whether or not I was just in an adjustment period and needed to stick with this since I started it. But my experience led to a deeper evaluation.
As I honestly looked down the road I could see that being at this job longer would not get better. I was fully capable of doing this job. I was slated for a department of sales that I knew I was capable of and would do so in a productive fashion. I had already made some friends and I knew that would help in this becoming more fulfilling. But as I honestly looked at the bigger picture I could see that the longer I was there, the further away from my heart I would be. I had to ask myself if I was willing to lose more of my heart and if God was actually saying He was changing my calling.
Oh, this is why I am feeling grieved. I was losing something. All that I have built up over the last year could be lost if I don’t get my butt up and accept the challenge that God has placed before me. He was asking me if I were willing to put the same energy into Grace Rivers that I would have to put into selling cars. I do not believe in my heart of hearts that God has placed me on this earth to sell cars. I would know that if it were true. He does give us the desires of our heart – He shows us what they are! I also have a responsibility to now engage my body and energy into that desire.
As I wrote in an earlier blog, a Wise Man, asked me what I had learned in my two weeks there. I didn’t have a full answer for him at the time but I believe God was truly speaking through Harvey Rosen. I learned how to step into this job that was clearly an open door, trusting God would lead me where He wanted me to go. I learned that there is potentially a kingdom value in everything we do. I learned that I can make a left turn going a different direction and how to trust God in that decision. I also learned that when I get a little way down the road I could make a u-turn and go back. I also learned that during that detour, God was present, available, and would take full advantage of the experience. I learned more about seeking God for my heart’s desire.
I am now what I believe is back on track but differently than before. I am motivated in a new way to seek something with all my heart. I am more trustful right now of God’s direction and of His plans for me. I also realize that I have some work to do.
I am more willing to be honest with myself, with my wife, others, and not the least, more honest with God. I am learning more about authenticity and transparency for sure.
My journey continues.
August 30th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
John, Life is like that sometimes. If have often, not always, but usually, struggled when making a major job change, which I have about 5 times. Its difficult to sometimes see what is your own will, how to determine what God wants vs what I want, or may not want, and how does that fit with His will to mold me and change me. I am encouraged that you, with all your experience, have gone through this and then boldly share the truth with friends and acquaintences. You are a good man and a goldly man, and “I have not seen the righteous forsaken, or his children begging bread” God will provide my brother, all His best to you.
August 30th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Wow, thanks so much Steve for relating to my heart on this. It is always so good to know I am not alone in this world of challenges.
August 30th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
John, thanks for sharing.
Engaging with God and participating in determining His will seems to be part of our growing in relationship with Him. Dallas Willard, in Hearing God, has some interesting things to say about this. He writes that sometimes it is God’s will that we have a great part in determining our path through life. God both develops and, for our good, tests our character by leaving us to decide. In effect, God says, “My will for you in this case is that you decide on your own.” He continues saying that several different courses of action may each be God’s perfect will in a given circumstance. In these cases there are usually various things that would equally please God, though He directs none of them in particular to be done. All are perfectly in His will because none is better than the others so far as He is concerned, and all are good. Then, God uses our choices and results to further our becoming more like Christ.
Interesting to ponder these things before God as you continue to listen to Him being sensitive to the next steps He has for you.
Blessings…..Bill
August 31st, 2009 at 5:41 am
Thank you Bill. The wrestling often in my life has come from my desires vs. His will. I have most often believed in a sovereign will, a “best” plan from the Lord’s perspective and have attempted to find that crest of the wave. This week, I took the liberty to follow my “heart’s desire” and resign from the job.
August 31st, 2009 at 7:46 am
Thanks John. I especaily loved the part you wrote saying: “I learned that I can make a left turn going a different direction and how to trust God in that decision. I also learned that when I get a little way down the road I could make a u-turn and go back. I also learned that during that detour, God was present, available, and would take full advantage of the experience. I learned more about seeking God for my heart’s desire.” That is a valuable truth that I wish I would have learned many years ago!!!
August 31st, 2009 at 10:05 am
John,
I’m so proud of you. I have been going through a very similar struggle with my own calling in music. It’s a lifelong calling that I put off for years in pursuit of “job security”. Now I’m in a position where the money is gone and yet I’m living out His calling for me.
Here’s how God answered my pleadings on the same issue this past Friday:
http://www.48days.net/profiles/blogs/walking-in-memphis-or-getting
I highly recommend the 48days.net site to gather ideas for building your ministry. Free sounding board from peers in your same position, from all walks of life and different businesses/ministries. I.e., FREE Education.
There’s a more in-depth version at http://freeagentacademy.com that I’m a part of. They have classes on all kinds of topics that help you on both the ministry and business aspects.
JT
August 31st, 2009 at 9:01 pm
John,
I’m grateful to our wise and loud God for “speaking” clearly to your heart so you could follow His leading. And, I’m proud of you for seeking Him and His best for you. Sometimes it’s so easy to just settle.
Your account of your experience also blessed me because I’ve considered taking a part-time job to help make ends meet, but I haven’t wanted to because of time, energy, commitment, etc. Your willingness to share yourself was used by God to affirm my decision to keep trusting Him with Celebrate Kids. Thank you!
I’ll be praying that God will meet all your needs.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:26 pm
John: You do not know me but i know a little about you… regardless, having been in the career counseling field for too many years, I can tell you, listening to your heart – and God’s calling – is the best avenue, as you have discovered. Yet, one of the things i have learned for myself is that ALL work is honorable as long as it is honest and you do your best. None of us zero in on *exactly* the right job right off the bat – but experiencing all sorts of adventures in the work world helps us learn more about who we are, what God wants from us, and we also don’t always know the affect we have had on co-workers, customers, etc. So, consider this a seed-planting experience. What will be interesting will be to hear about what God did while you were at the car dealership! He has such amazing ways of bringing people to HIM.
God never forgets us; you are always on HIS mind.
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:20 am
MomBert,
I can really relate to what you have said. I have mentioned that I had some significant conversations with some of the salemen there. I also connected well with a couple of the customers that I had. Who knows what God does with us sometimes? I believe each of us leaves a trail of ourselves in other people’s lives. I will be writing some future blogs on how I have been impacted by others when they didn’t know it so I can only assume that I have as well.