A Response to Andy Comiskey About Mixed Orientation Marriage

A Response to Andy Comiskey About Mixed Orientation Marriage

mixed-marriage-3I discovered An Open Letter  to “Every Man who Leaves Wife/Kids Because He is ‘Gay” written by Andy Comiskey. You can go to this link to read it:

Letter by Andy Comiskey

Here’s my response:

Reading your article with interest. I met you, Andy, over twenty five years ago. We were many who had chosen to marry women. At that time I found no one who would even speak as you have here. I held my struggle tightly to my chest out of my own fear that someone would discover my weakness. I had not found what I seemed to see others had found. I didn’t find what appeared to be an intimacy that was as fulfilling in those I saw within the community of Exodus.

I struggled intensely with shame, with an intimate disconnect within my soul. As you mentioned above, unlike many you may know, I didn’t hide. I sought help through many years, decades actually, of conferences, one on one counseling, leadership retreats etc. I absorbed all of the things I taught hundreds of times over. I held tightly to what I was told in that God was a big God and there would be healing. I believed there would come a day when I’d find the true intimacy I sought after with commitment and with deep longing and fervor.

I went for sessions of inner healing. I was told I was a misogynist. I sought inner healing for that. I was told I had unforgiveness in my heart towards my family, my mother, my childhood abuses. I believed the diagnosis, the assessment by those who seemed to know. I was told over and over that I was broken, that I was sexually broken. I believed them. I sought healing for those too.

I was married for 24 faithful years. I acted upon all of the things I taught were necessary to find healing. I had thick blinders on my eyes, my hands and my heart. I separated myself from anything that might “tempt” me back to my gay lifestyle. I was as honest with my wife as I knew how to be. There were no secrets other than telling her point blank that I had no sexual desire for her and that I never would. I held that to myself out of the concern that it might wound her heart.

Finally one day, after many, many years of complete celibacy including masturbation, I admitted to myself that I would never find the intimacy I desired so deeply within my heart. I felt alone, isolated, and starving for human affection. I also admitted that I knew deep within that God would never leave a heart longing as I was experiencing. I also admitted to myself that God is forgiving and that all of my sins, past and future were laid at the cross.

I made a conscious decision to trust God more than I ever had in my life at His word. I separated from my wife after becoming completely honest with her. She was heart broken. But I had been heart broken for most of our marriage and she was too. It seemed to me that her heart was cold, not with me, but from me not being able to look at her with the kind of desire that a wife wants from her husband.

I am now married to my husband. The healing that I longed for for over three decades is occurring. The brokeness I was told I had that caused my struggles, I realize was brought about by others looking at my life from the outside with preconceived ideas. I recognize now that I was heart sick and I am no longer so. I’m now heart filled, peace filled, full of joy that I never believed was possible.

I’m not saying this is for everyone. I truly believe a SSA man or woman can find true, loving intimacy with their opposite sex spouse. But I did not and it was killing me, and my wife to remain together. It was closing my heart off to God and others due to the emptiness, a void that was extremely significant.

I’ve now discovered my heart again. It’s far more than accepting the part of me that is gay, it’s far more than finding my gay self, it’s finding me. Finding the John that has been hidden deep inside since my childhood. I recognize myself again! I spent 30 years in the wilderness of trying to be everything that was expected of an ExGay leader, a Christian man and husband. I made a career out of searching for the missing pieces and trying to gain freedom.

Many lives were negatively affected by my pursuit of perfection, my attempts at a healing that never came. I lost a comfortable connection with my daughters due to my dishonesty and religious facade that I believed was truth.

Not every story is the same. Above all, God knows each of us intimately and walks with each of us uniquely along our personal life journey. I’m trusting in God’s heart for me, his redemption, and restoration of the soul that came along to me when I was born.

To pressure two people to continue to live in marriage that are not a match, and that feel the pain and agony of the mismatch, is not healthy for them, or their families. If the soil is workable, than work it. If its not, then move to a new field where it will be.

I’ve often said if I were Catholic, it’s likely my marriage could have been annulled because of the deception with which we married, not known deception, but one later discovered. From the first night together I knew it was a mistake, a horrible mistake. Sadly, within some faiths, once one has signed on the dotted line of a marriage commitment, there’s no out, no turning back, no matter how soon it’s discovered, no matter how terrible it may be to continue.

Peace to all who find themselves married to the opposite sex and yet are conflicted. Sadly, there wasn’t more honesty in years past. Many, like myself, married amiss with false information, wrong expectations, and found themselves to be terribly unequally yoked.

Peace to all of those who are successfully married as well. I know some who have found that.

This is a discussion that must be explored before one is married. A discussion with all of the cards on the table, an intimate and honest evaluation of the heart of two people must be had. A discussion that includes, “Do you realize that your intended spouse may never find you intimately attractive? Are you wiling to go a lifetime living in celibacy? Will you honestly accept your spouse as a great roommate, but not the sexually intimate marriage you’ve hoped for your whole life? Are you willing to make a lifetime commitment to someone who will possibly experience sexual frustration and angst most of their life and that you will never fully understand it? Will you forgive and allow restoration considering your spouse may be tempted so deeply they commit adultery in search for fulfillment for their physical and intimate needs? Will you sign that you’ve heard, and discussed all of these things before got married?”

We need to do a better job of preventative planning so we won’t have to do so much damage control later.

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3 Responses to “A Response to Andy Comiskey About Mixed Orientation Marriage”

  1. John Smid says:

    Andy wrote a response to my comment:

    Thank you for your extended response. I agree we must better prepare people for marriage, but your counsel that a person with SSA is limited to a platonic marriage is ridiculous. Like hundreds of my colleagues I found the “real me” in honest communion with Jesus Christ and my spouse Annette. How tragic that you in your divided state are evangelizing others to make a same gender friend a spouse. It is impossible to marry a person of your own gender. You are living a lie and are perpetuating a lie.

  2. John Smid says:

    Andy, it was not my intention to in any way give counsel. I also stated very clearly that some gay men and women find satisfaction, peace and joy within a marriage to their opposite sex spouse, therefore did not say people with SSA are limited to platonic marriage, like you have with Annette. I spent way to many years trying to tell other people what they should do, how they should live, and what is right for them regardless of how they interpret their own faith and life. I am choosing not to do this any more. I support the freedom we have as humans to choose for ourselves.

    As I clearly said, the questions I have written are intended to evaluate whether or not a couple is willing to accept the – potential – of struggles within the future of their marriage. These are questions that are a reality when a potential marriage involves something that is not the norm of a traditional heterosexual couple. Far too often there are foggy romantic ideas when approaching marriage that can cloud ones thinking. Shouldn’t the potential spouse know the risks of marrying a person with SSA?

    I also do not have any intention to evangelize others in any way other than to support their decisions made by their own conviction and desire.

    Your comment that it is impossible to marry a person of my own gender is extremely subjective based on your interpretation of marriage. My interpretation is different.

  3. Anthony Mc says:


    We meet over 25 years ago and I meet Andrew C many years before that. Like you, I posted an ‘extended’ comment on his blog suggesting a survey. (I may organize one if he doesnt, any interest?). Hopefully he will approve it to his blog

    As I recall when we meet, I dont think we liked each other, I thought you as way too uptight and conservative (and needed a smack lol) and for you I was too liberal (and therefore not straight acting enough) = anyways who cares lol

    THANK YOU for your brave decision, your marriage and cheers to your happiness!

    My experience with Andy is that when writes things like this he is preaching to himself and is struggling.

    Andy will just never ever see the error and harm he has created. He is so invested in who he thinks he is as a Prophet and spiritual leader. He cant risk his source of income, marriage, public embarrassment, he doesnt have a clue as how to live a basic life in a real world., It will be fascinating to see how long he lasts in the Catholic church. He cant be a priest, he wont be the center of attention and seen as important. This is extremely hard for him (see his blog about handing over the baton recently posted). Its very hard for him to see other be ‘better’ more gifted or liked then him, especially on the conference circuit. Those leaders are soon knocked down.

    Ive keep silent for so long, sorry for going on and on… so ill stop

    All my best to you!

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