Monday, March 15th, 2010
To Love and to Honor… My Husband, My Friend!
My husband is a man with a huge heart…a heart that feels deeply…a heart that brings healing to others by the way he offers love, compassion and courage to those who are especially down trodden, weak and weary. He is a Shepard, a gatherer of people. He provides shelter from the storm that is approaching and a shield when danger is near.
I honor him for who God has made him to be, how he offers love and protection to little ones. He would walk through the night to bring a lost child home. He honors, respects and guards their innocence. His arms are always open to children; they feel safe because they sense the openness of his heart as well. I remember while sitting next to my husband at sporting events, I sat alone…while he sat balancing the 4 or 5 children who were competing for a place on his lap. There was a time that I felt envious of that, but as I look back, I stand in awe of the gift God has given him to touch the hearts of children. Jesus in his teachings here on earth gave very special instructions concerning children. This man offers the example of Christ toward children. Children are drawn in. They feel loved, protected and cherished.
His love of nature has given me a perspective of God’s creation that has changed my life. I am able to see beauty that I have never noticed or seen before. In nature I meet with God in new ways that bring peace and harmony to my life. I see things through his eyes and it has lead me closer to God, for that I honor him.
The elderly feel important, loved and valued when Roger is close by. His heart is turned toward them, he hears their voice and they know it. So many of our older generation have lost their respect through sickness and health. But to him, they hold an honorable place in his heart because of their years… their wisdom and the journey of both accomplishments and maybe the pain they’ve walked through! He always has time for one of these lovely human beings who is in need. He genuinely cares for their well being. He is the hands and feet of Jesus to those who have gone before us.
To actually “Honor” another person is the highest form of love and respect within a relationship, but when there has been a breech of trust or severe hurt in a relationship, it may take longer to come to that place, it does not happen overnight. Through following the core values explained in The Journey of Thomas, I can honor my husband today, not because our relationship has been without duress, in fact, just the opposite. The first 20 years of our marriage were full of secrets, dishonesty and hurt. but today, there’s been honesty, forgiveness and healing. I now know and understand Roger’s heart. This allows me the privilege I have today of giving honor to my husband, my friend! The most amazing thing is, that I am able to do this with a pure heart!
Yes, our marriage was in despair and a lot of it had to do with Roger’s addiction and my lack of understanding concerning who I really was. Yet Roger’s decision to seek help leaving him separated from his wife and children for nearly 2 years, he was willing to give up his life to find it. His choices gave me the courage to trust again and walk through my own healing process. In that I see strength and courage, not weakness. For that – I honor him as the man I love…my friend…my husband!
“There is no greater love than to lay down your life…for a friend.”
Roger, you were willing to trod that painful yet amazing journey of discovering who God created you to be. In believing what He showed you, you found freedom not only for yourself, but you also lead the way for me and your family and others to do the same. I want to give Honor to you today, and encourage you to continue to walk in those shoes. Because from your sandals emerged a great and mighty warrior!
A year ago Roger and I moved to South Dakota to be near our children and grandchildren. He unselfishly took on a position as a farmhand, which is totally outside his comfort zone. In taking this position he has been forced to face a lifetime of fears, working very long hard hours and 6 days a week. He has come through his first year accomplishing more than either of us could have ever imagined. Gaining confidence in areas where he previously would never have even tried has made him a stronger man, more rugged and attractive to me! His unselfishness has made it possible for me to stay home to be a fulltime wife, mother and grandmother, to grow in my giftedness and to continue to explore the woman God created me to be.
In living without my income, we now live in one of the nicest most comfortable homes we’ve ever owned. It’s size allows us to have one of our children and her family stay with us while they find housing in this new community. Our new home lends itself to an atmosphere of family and friends. My kitchen is filled the aroma of “Mom is home.” My cupboards are overflowing from ceiling to floor. My freezers are full. My home is comfortable, not perfect. It lends itself to granddaughters coming by for a tea party and our grandson building a farm or hammering something he insists needs ‘fixin’.
The best part is, we are here to lend a hand and actively love both of our children and their families. We are enjoying the chance to nurture the little people in our lives. I have time now to run a meal or surprise snack to the field. Roger can pick me up and take me on a 4-wheeler ride to check the fields for weeds. Last night just as the sun was setting, he said, “Sue come on, grab the camera, let’s try to catch the sunset.” We built a memory!
Our lives are full…not necessarily easy, but rich and full of all the things that are important to us. All because this man, even though we didn’t agree, chose to wrestle with God and find peace in the midst of a very difficult decision. He chose to make a decision even though it was scary and uncertain in order to gather his family back together, to build and rebuild relationships for generations to come. All this because he chose to trust God with the unknown!
Do we always live out our newly found self, No! Do we always walk in the shoes that squeeze us and help us to grow…No! We often slip back into what’s comfortable but now we know that our new shoes are waiting for us at the foot of our beds. In them we find plenty of room to grow. I am not sure if they will ever become comfortable or that I even want them to. I don’t want to become complacent and comfortable. I want God to always push me through to the next level of my journey with Him.
Today is Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2010 and I lift you up Roger. I thank God for your courage and strength to lead me even when it’s been unpopular or even when I don’t want to be lead. You are a quiet leader, but you speak truth clearly when I need it. Thank you for allowing God to continue to grow you…Today, I honor who God has made you to be…may you continue to wrestle with Him.
Tags: Core Values, Honor, Journey of Thomas, Sue DeRaad, Sue DeRaad's Blog
Posted in Sue DeRaad's Blog, Testimonies, The Journey of Thomas, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Thursday, March 4th, 2010
For many years I have contemplated the times I have heard that some people have said they were harmed or wounded from their experience with Love In Action or Exodus International. More often than not my reactions have not been favorable. In my own mind I didn’t feel there was any merit to the accusations. After all, “I have given 22 years of my life sacrificially just to hear how we harmed you!”
Well I certainly know the sound of a defensive reaction when I hear one! I was it! I didn’t want to hear anything that was critical or negative. But, I believe in listening to the heart of others no matter how critical it may sound. I needed to check in on my own heart to see if there was any validation to their comments. Of course, there was.
Since I was in leadership with both organizations I have certainly have been at the center of many of the criticisms. The scripture challenges us to be careful with what we say and do as leaders because of the higher standard that is expected and deserved from those whom we care for.
In the last two years I have had a lot of time to ponder, pray, and sort through many facets of my vocational ministry history. Since I have had a lot of alone time my searching has been easier to handle.
I was recently contacted by David Roberts from the “Ex-gay Watch” and online blog for those following the ex-gay movement. David had seen a recent announcement of the new Grace Group that is being started by Grace Rivers and wanted me to write something. In our discussion we both felt it would be good for me to address some of the criticisms out there concerning my leadership in “ex-gay” ministry. I have taken the last week to write a letter and to that end, here it is.
It’s Time for Honesty!
From John J. Smid to the readers of Ex-gay Watch,
Just a little bit of history here. I became a Christian in 1982. My new faith created conflicts in my homosexual relationship and eventually we broke up. It was at that point and I decided to pursue my relationship with Jesus instead of looking for a new relationship right away.
When I had been celibate for several years I felt that I wanted be married to a woman. I had been married previously and in my heart wanted to give that a try again.
I met my wife Vileen in 1985 and we married in 1988. We have had a good, faithful marriage just as I had hoped. I told her about my homosexuality right after we had met. She has walked alongside me knowing that I have chosen her rather than to pursue a homosexual relationship. She is aware that my attractions haven’t changed in general towards men but that I love her deeply and make choices daily to remain faithful to our marriage and have not regretted that decision.
In 1986 I moved to San Rafael California to work as a volunteer for Love In Action. I am passionate about people and spent 22 years with Love In Action. Since Exodus International was in our same office most of those years I also became involved with them right away.
By 1995 I had been involved in Love In Action and Exodus for nine years and was asked to give a talk in a general session at the Exodus national conference. God had brought me to a point where I was willing to admit to myself that I still had homosexual attractions. As a result of my own internal process of disclosure I decided to give my talk on the topic of honesty. I spoke of my current homosexual attractions and challenged the audience to be honest with themselves. I have always been as intentional as I could to share freely about those things whenever I speak or meet with someone who can relate to homosexuality.
The Famous Protest
On June 6th of 2005, when the protestors showed up on the sidewalks in front of Love In Action to speak against the Refuge Program, my world was rocked. But within just a couple of days my heart was humbled by the gracious words coming from those who were outside such as “God Loves You”. The truth spoken from them caused me to think and began to soften my heart.
A lot has changed since then. God does love me and He loved me enough to continue to shave off some things in my life that have been wrong, offensive, calloused and judgmental. Through the humility of Morgan Fox, one of the leaders of the protest, I was humbled once again. His pursuit of a relationship with me, though I did not deserve it, has been another tool that God has used to break through parts of my heart that needed to be touched.
Morgan asked me to interview for a documentary he is producing about the protests. I resisted for a long time. After many meetings with Morgan I began to see his godly character and agreed to an interview because I trusted him. During our camera time the discussions involved things from the past that have been said about Love In Action or about me as the former leader. I had spent many hours and in some cases years, pondering these things and wondered how I could make amends for the things that had hurt or wounded others during my 22 years of leadership with Love In Action. Certainly there were many.
Please Forgive Me
In 1994 an article was written that said that I told a young man it would be better for him to commit suicide than for him to go into the gay lifestyle. I have been haunted by that article all through the years. I have felt defensive, reactionary and frustrated every time I have read it not knowing how I could in any way, clear it away. Maybe this will help.
I want to publically say to the young man, “I am very sorry for the conversation that I had with you that fateful day. I loved you very much as a brother and feel deeply grieved for the way that my words hurt you.” If I could, I would erase the conversation and start all over with ” I love you, and as you move on I will pray for God’s very best for you in your life. No matter what you do, Jesus deeply loves you.” “Please forgive me.”
Some people have spoken out about being wounded through their experience with Love In Action. ” I want to say I am very sorry for the things that have wounded you or hurt you by my hands of leadership at Love In Action or anything I have done personally that has harmed you.” “Please forgive me.”
Exodus International
I was a member of the board of directors of Exodus International for eleven years. I spoke on many occasions in general sessions and in workshops at the national conferences for most of the 22 years I was involved in Love In Action and Exodus. Thousands of men and women came to Exodus ministries and conferences looking for a hand, seeking hope, or for someone to hear their heart and understand.
I am a very verbal person and can speak at times without thoroughly thinking through what I might say before it comes out of my mouth. Without question I know I have said things that may have hurt someone or caused confusion or discouragement. Please forgive me for the things I have said that were not helpful or were further damaging of your tender heart.
As a board member of Exodus International I felt a strong sense of stewardship for the lives we hoped we would impact with the love of Jesus. I have learned a lot more over the last couple of years about how unconditional His love really is. I believe I could have done a better job of letting people know that Jesus loves them purely because He does, unconditionally. I am sorry for not being a better vessel of the Love of Christ to those who deeply need to know of His love. I realize I was often more concerned with telling people how to live than I was with imparting God’s grace so that they would want to live!
Refuge Program
Now, regarding the most highly publicized” Refuge Program” for teens that was held through Love In Action. If I could go back and do anything differently based on what I know today – it would be the Refuge Program. I have a hard time admitting it but the protests did bring about a season for me to reevaluate my life, my heart, and the Refuge Program. God did an amazing work in me through the challenges that resulted from the people who came to the streets in front of our ministry, morning and night, for two weeks.
I really wanted to help the young men in our program but in some cases the design of our program caused more harm for some of these kids that it did good. I am very sorry for the ways that Refuge further wounded teens that were already in a very delicate place in life. I am grateful for the way that God lovingly called us to revamp the methods for dealing with families with teens so that more teens weren’t hurt.
I have been a Christian for almost 30 years. There are myriads of things that I do or that go through my mind that aren’t biblically appropriate. There are many things that God wants me to change in my own life so that I can be a better person, love Him more and love others better. So, while I do not hold to a belief that homosexual relationships are blessed by God, neither are the many things in my own life that aren’t blessed by Him. I do not want a judgmental heart to separate me from people that I love dearly.
Leaving Love In Action
It has been almost two years since I left the ministry of Love In Action in May of 2008. I have had many days and hours alone to think and ponder the last 22 years. God has dug deep into my heart and caused me to see something very important that he wanted me to know. He loves me unconditionally. His grace is sufficient for me. I cannot do anything that He hasn’t forgiven, isn’t forgiving, and won’t forgive and it is up to Him to restore my soul, I can’t do that myself.
I am not the judge and jury of other people. I can’t see another person’s heart like He can. I cannot redeem anyone, only He can. I don’t know what someone might need today but he does.
If you have been wounded by me or harmed through the hands of my leadership; please come to me and allow an opportunity for me to personally apologize with the hope that we can both be released from the bondage of unforgiveness.
Grace Rivers
I am leading a new ministry called Grace Rivers. It’s primary focus isn’t to be an ex-gay ministry but within the context of offering grace and the Love of Jesus to our world we are starting grace groups for people impacted by homosexuality.
As a brand new start, Grace Rivers is an outpouring of the many of the changes in my own heart. I have based this work on nine core values starting with honesty, moving on to listening to others effectively, and in the end giving respect because God does. I have attempted to pursue these values in my own life to the best of my ability. God is still working on restoring me so I know He is doing the same with others. We are all on a road of life that is hopefully improving day by day. He says He will complete the work He has started so I trust Him fully with my life and with the lives of others who know Him.
Sincerely,
John J. Smid
Tags: Ex-gay Watch, Exodus International, john smid, Love In Action, Morgan Jon Fox, Refuge Program
Posted in Articles by John Smid, Get Into John's Head, Testimonies, Uncategorized | 33 Comments »
